second guesses
yesterday made me rethink lots of shit. made me think, wow, i am a good person afterall and i do love david a whole lot in order to not crack under the pressure. but then as the day went on i found myself regretting it more and more. and i don't know why. i thought seeing david would reinforce why i had done..nothing. but it didn't.
i picked out the restaurant last night cause he stinks at that. i know he has a traditional palette so i chose something safe but upscale without being stuffy, trendy and cute. i chose balthazar in the 17th which is supposed to be excellent. before we even walked in he felt uncomfortable, and that continued for most of the dinner. he had never been to a restaurant as expensive (the meals were between 25-30 euros, mine was like 18..honestly not that expensive!!) and the bill came to about 100. this is with both getting appetizer, meal, desserts, coffee, and a half a bottle of wine. for an upscale place i thought it really reasonable actually. anyway, things went downhill when he ordered the beef tartare. i was surprised he ordered it in the first place cause it seems to out of character and i even asked if he really likes it. i myself have never ordered it and always wanted to. when the plate was in front of him he looked puzzled. in fact he didn't think he would be eating raw beef. "raw beef isn't good to eat is it?". oh god..we're in for a long night.
the rest of the night i was either preoccupied with my wandering thoughts and bitter, short remarks that got us in pseudo-arguements over what life is (i argued that it doesn't necessarily mean having babies!!). don't try to change me into a french girl who will move in with her boyfriend after 2 months because of financial reasons and have a mediocre career which she then leaves to have numerous babies..probably while the husband seeks mistresses. this is not the life i will have. and i certainly won't start by living in the suburbs.
when we finally left the restaurant he drove me back home to drop me off. he was surprised that i didn't want to go back to argenteuil with him. i would have except my plans to go to the 'viens dans mon dressing' clothing sale with alicia is at noon and i didn't feel like trekking, again. so it's not soo far but i just felt like staying at my place. i think he took it bad and maybe suspected something. oddly enough, i think i would have been stricken with fear and guilt if i had done something with guillaume yesterday. with the way i was acting i wouldn't be surprised if he suspected something. but alas i'm innocent.
so why do i feel the need to see him before he leaves??? it won't solve anything, probably just create more problems. i read what i said about him in this journal and realize that he's not an asshole and maybe his feelings were genuine, in which case i did end up hurting him.
it's strange how i can go from one extreme to the other. a few days ago i was trying to imagine every possible way to stay in france so as to not lose david, and now i'm ready to fly off to any foreign land just to not get stuck in a crappy rut. i fear that more than anything else.
i picked out the restaurant last night cause he stinks at that. i know he has a traditional palette so i chose something safe but upscale without being stuffy, trendy and cute. i chose balthazar in the 17th which is supposed to be excellent. before we even walked in he felt uncomfortable, and that continued for most of the dinner. he had never been to a restaurant as expensive (the meals were between 25-30 euros, mine was like 18..honestly not that expensive!!) and the bill came to about 100. this is with both getting appetizer, meal, desserts, coffee, and a half a bottle of wine. for an upscale place i thought it really reasonable actually. anyway, things went downhill when he ordered the beef tartare. i was surprised he ordered it in the first place cause it seems to out of character and i even asked if he really likes it. i myself have never ordered it and always wanted to. when the plate was in front of him he looked puzzled. in fact he didn't think he would be eating raw beef. "raw beef isn't good to eat is it?". oh god..we're in for a long night.
the rest of the night i was either preoccupied with my wandering thoughts and bitter, short remarks that got us in pseudo-arguements over what life is (i argued that it doesn't necessarily mean having babies!!). don't try to change me into a french girl who will move in with her boyfriend after 2 months because of financial reasons and have a mediocre career which she then leaves to have numerous babies..probably while the husband seeks mistresses. this is not the life i will have. and i certainly won't start by living in the suburbs.
when we finally left the restaurant he drove me back home to drop me off. he was surprised that i didn't want to go back to argenteuil with him. i would have except my plans to go to the 'viens dans mon dressing' clothing sale with alicia is at noon and i didn't feel like trekking, again. so it's not soo far but i just felt like staying at my place. i think he took it bad and maybe suspected something. oddly enough, i think i would have been stricken with fear and guilt if i had done something with guillaume yesterday. with the way i was acting i wouldn't be surprised if he suspected something. but alas i'm innocent.
so why do i feel the need to see him before he leaves??? it won't solve anything, probably just create more problems. i read what i said about him in this journal and realize that he's not an asshole and maybe his feelings were genuine, in which case i did end up hurting him.
it's strange how i can go from one extreme to the other. a few days ago i was trying to imagine every possible way to stay in france so as to not lose david, and now i'm ready to fly off to any foreign land just to not get stuck in a crappy rut. i fear that more than anything else.