burning bridges that lead to no where
i have to admit, if i haven't already, that i have never really rid myself of him. i've always had him in the back of my head and i just don't know why, he doesn't compare to david in terms of boyfriend material there's just ..something. and i guess he feels the same way for him to still be so persistant. i think about him more than i should. and i don't know why.
this morning at 6:30 i got a call..from him. he's training to be a marine commando (let me just say that's the french equivalent to a navy seal) and he has the week end off and was dropping his friend off in paris, not far from me, would i let him come over? in my groggy state of mind, i reasoned, half reasoned and said outloud "ooohh this isn't good..but yeah i guess so". he was over in like 20 minutes..and very excited to see me. it's been over 7 months since we've seen eachother. now, i never really knew if his words were sincere or they were all just a strategic tactic to get in bed with me. but i can't see the point of this since i was in bed with him before the words started flowing. when he was in senegal and learned of me and david, i took his 'dani you know i love you..' as 'dani, i'm jealous and can't do anything about it cause i'm stuck in africa'. but apparently..or maybe this was not the case. we hugged a bit and i actually felt his heart beating and maybe it was just me but i felt the nervousness that he felt after all this time and all this 'pain' i caused him. we talked about what he's doing now in the military and how it's realllly tough (like 5 hours of super intense drills and shit, and thats the least of it, already after 4 weeks 15 people have dropped out and only 5 will finish...and this is why he has the body of a goodddd). then i updated him on my life and how im unemployed yadda yadda yadda and from the moment he came to the moment he left, he mentioned in passing at least 3 times these theoretical scenerios "IF" we were still together and how i really was someone he coud settle down with?(not in these exact words but it came up a few times oddly enough) and that yes, the life of a companion of a marine is not fun but it's a proof of love etc (although i dont' buy this shit cause i know they sleep around wherever they go on missions, or so it seems). anywayyyy the juicy part: or not so juicy part:
i consider myself to be a pretty weak person when it comes to being 'seduced'. especically when the seducer happens to be the hot, french, marine whom i had quite a torrid history with. it was early in the morning so i was still in my pjs, bed undone (the bed is the only place to sit in my apartment anyway) so i was obviously in perfect position so to speak for shit to happen..and boy did he try. maybe he was telling me the truth when he said he hadn't been with someone the whole time he was in senegal and since then he's been away training without contact with women..cause the boy wanted his way with me. and there i was, being insistent that i had a boyfriend and it wouldn't be fair. i couldn't believe the words were coming out of my mouth, and my reasoning: so if i sleep with you then what, everytime you are in town you're going to secretly get in touch with me to do this again? where would that go, except towards hurting my boyfriend and making me look like a lying fool. so i resisted. and it was resistance to the extreme..i still am shocked that nothing happened. of course, david would have flipped out if he ever walked in on the scene (me in bed with him on top of me or just laying next to me, clothes on of course). but this went on and off for about an hour and a half until he got the message that i am in love with my boyfriend and that if ever i thought things over and wnated another chance with him i could contact him, and try my chances. i do have to admit that some part of me missed him and briefly being in his arms was, nice? but maybe not nice enough for me to take it further. so when he left i was just feeling this weird sense of regret, but of pride as well. a few minutes later he called me from outside saying that he wishes me the best, that i'm an amazing person and he will never forget me. i won't forget him either i guess. some part of me oddly enough regrets not being bad and not doing something. but how would that weigh on my conscious? what would that have proven, other than that i could cheat on someone i love, and then where does that put me. i thought having a fling could be fun but maybe not. maybe i am a good person after all...so why am i hoping he calls me again or something? and then what? do i play stupid mind games with him leading him on. that's not fair either. i'm seeing david tonight. i hope that just seeing him will reinforce the reasons why i fended off my hot ex ( i admit that he has a much better body than david, but the physical part of all this is negligable in the long run).
so that's that. i think the reason why i'm feeling some regret is not because i really wanted something to happen between us, but because i like when people like me. who doesn't? especially from someone who you still have a weakness for and somewhere might never get over. i don't like burning my bridges, even if they are bridges that lead to no where.
this morning at 6:30 i got a call..from him. he's training to be a marine commando (let me just say that's the french equivalent to a navy seal) and he has the week end off and was dropping his friend off in paris, not far from me, would i let him come over? in my groggy state of mind, i reasoned, half reasoned and said outloud "ooohh this isn't good..but yeah i guess so". he was over in like 20 minutes..and very excited to see me. it's been over 7 months since we've seen eachother. now, i never really knew if his words were sincere or they were all just a strategic tactic to get in bed with me. but i can't see the point of this since i was in bed with him before the words started flowing. when he was in senegal and learned of me and david, i took his 'dani you know i love you..' as 'dani, i'm jealous and can't do anything about it cause i'm stuck in africa'. but apparently..or maybe this was not the case. we hugged a bit and i actually felt his heart beating and maybe it was just me but i felt the nervousness that he felt after all this time and all this 'pain' i caused him. we talked about what he's doing now in the military and how it's realllly tough (like 5 hours of super intense drills and shit, and thats the least of it, already after 4 weeks 15 people have dropped out and only 5 will finish...and this is why he has the body of a goodddd). then i updated him on my life and how im unemployed yadda yadda yadda and from the moment he came to the moment he left, he mentioned in passing at least 3 times these theoretical scenerios "IF" we were still together and how i really was someone he coud settle down with?(not in these exact words but it came up a few times oddly enough) and that yes, the life of a companion of a marine is not fun but it's a proof of love etc (although i dont' buy this shit cause i know they sleep around wherever they go on missions, or so it seems). anywayyyy the juicy part: or not so juicy part:
i consider myself to be a pretty weak person when it comes to being 'seduced'. especically when the seducer happens to be the hot, french, marine whom i had quite a torrid history with. it was early in the morning so i was still in my pjs, bed undone (the bed is the only place to sit in my apartment anyway) so i was obviously in perfect position so to speak for shit to happen..and boy did he try. maybe he was telling me the truth when he said he hadn't been with someone the whole time he was in senegal and since then he's been away training without contact with women..cause the boy wanted his way with me. and there i was, being insistent that i had a boyfriend and it wouldn't be fair. i couldn't believe the words were coming out of my mouth, and my reasoning: so if i sleep with you then what, everytime you are in town you're going to secretly get in touch with me to do this again? where would that go, except towards hurting my boyfriend and making me look like a lying fool. so i resisted. and it was resistance to the extreme..i still am shocked that nothing happened. of course, david would have flipped out if he ever walked in on the scene (me in bed with him on top of me or just laying next to me, clothes on of course). but this went on and off for about an hour and a half until he got the message that i am in love with my boyfriend and that if ever i thought things over and wnated another chance with him i could contact him, and try my chances. i do have to admit that some part of me missed him and briefly being in his arms was, nice? but maybe not nice enough for me to take it further. so when he left i was just feeling this weird sense of regret, but of pride as well. a few minutes later he called me from outside saying that he wishes me the best, that i'm an amazing person and he will never forget me. i won't forget him either i guess. some part of me oddly enough regrets not being bad and not doing something. but how would that weigh on my conscious? what would that have proven, other than that i could cheat on someone i love, and then where does that put me. i thought having a fling could be fun but maybe not. maybe i am a good person after all...so why am i hoping he calls me again or something? and then what? do i play stupid mind games with him leading him on. that's not fair either. i'm seeing david tonight. i hope that just seeing him will reinforce the reasons why i fended off my hot ex ( i admit that he has a much better body than david, but the physical part of all this is negligable in the long run).
so that's that. i think the reason why i'm feeling some regret is not because i really wanted something to happen between us, but because i like when people like me. who doesn't? especially from someone who you still have a weakness for and somewhere might never get over. i don't like burning my bridges, even if they are bridges that lead to no where.