glander, blinder
i've been in a pretty shitty mood most of the week and i don't really know what it's attributed to. being tired? i don't know. it's weird how i have these ups and downs and i drag david into it for no reason..which he then interprets as me being distant from him. i guess it's the truth and i don't really know why i do it. the thing about him, is that he's never in a bad mood, never down in the dumps etc. that's great, but that's not me. so when i'm not happy-go-lucky, he can't understand it.
last night we had a bit of an argument. there was no yelling or anything,but i could tell he was really annoyed. it was about 'after may'. basically, what i want to do and what i plan on doing. i've already told him that i want to try to work in france but, as he now knows after doing some research, that might not be so easy. and i'm kindof like blahhh about it. i'll see what happens--this is my philosophy. he takes that as me not being motivated and not doing 'everything i can in my power to stay ..with him'. it's that last part that pisses me off. i'm sorry, but he is not the main reason why i want to stay or why i will try to stay. despite the fact that i love him, he does not go into the equation. this is my career, my life. sorry if this sounds so harsh, but up until a few months ago i was watching out for myself, and only myself. now that he is in the picture he thinks that is going to change completely. i guess i have a hard time making sacrifices for other people. no, i don't think that's it. i just don't think i'm ready to make a decision based on this relationship. we don't know eachother well enough and i think there is always this feeling int he back of my head that it's not a sure thing between us. he's really good for me, but i don't think i'm good for him. also, i have to ask myself, why i have these cyclic feelings for him. like these ups and downs of feelings of love and annoyance. why is that? and is that really healthy? anyway, gettinhg back to the future...he's all ready to make these huge-ass decisions about 'us' and i'm like hah! no way. i'm taking things more lightly that he and that annoys him. he thinks that i should be doing everything in my power to stay...with him. and this i understand. but it's not going to happen. maybe i feel like i can't have my wings tied down. that if i made this sort of decision it would be putting myself in a cage, so to speak. that i would be trapped in the relationship? not the case, but still. even the mere thought of me possibily moving in with him is utterly..unthinkable. i guess i'm not ready to be give up myself completely. i still need to have the "i" in me, and not lose that in the 'we' part. he is.
i have a lot of work today and i've just wasted like 4 hours on the internet doing nothing but uploading vidoes on youtube and shopping on ebay. oh and eating like a pig. this is the problem. i have no more time to run because my life is work, school, david. david is taking over the running part and now i feel lazy and fat. not good. i need to get back into doing stuff. the good thing is that david and i can run together but i just need to make the time.
i haven't had news from leakhena. i guess she is ok. sucks not having her here anymore. kindof makes me scared that..if something were to happen to my relationship with david..then what. i'll be so alone. ew. it's like, i want to be free and independent, no obligations, no sacrifices..me..but at the same time i don't want to be a lonely, introverted hermit. i'm never content with what i have.
last night we had a bit of an argument. there was no yelling or anything,but i could tell he was really annoyed. it was about 'after may'. basically, what i want to do and what i plan on doing. i've already told him that i want to try to work in france but, as he now knows after doing some research, that might not be so easy. and i'm kindof like blahhh about it. i'll see what happens--this is my philosophy. he takes that as me not being motivated and not doing 'everything i can in my power to stay ..with him'. it's that last part that pisses me off. i'm sorry, but he is not the main reason why i want to stay or why i will try to stay. despite the fact that i love him, he does not go into the equation. this is my career, my life. sorry if this sounds so harsh, but up until a few months ago i was watching out for myself, and only myself. now that he is in the picture he thinks that is going to change completely. i guess i have a hard time making sacrifices for other people. no, i don't think that's it. i just don't think i'm ready to make a decision based on this relationship. we don't know eachother well enough and i think there is always this feeling int he back of my head that it's not a sure thing between us. he's really good for me, but i don't think i'm good for him. also, i have to ask myself, why i have these cyclic feelings for him. like these ups and downs of feelings of love and annoyance. why is that? and is that really healthy? anyway, gettinhg back to the future...he's all ready to make these huge-ass decisions about 'us' and i'm like hah! no way. i'm taking things more lightly that he and that annoys him. he thinks that i should be doing everything in my power to stay...with him. and this i understand. but it's not going to happen. maybe i feel like i can't have my wings tied down. that if i made this sort of decision it would be putting myself in a cage, so to speak. that i would be trapped in the relationship? not the case, but still. even the mere thought of me possibily moving in with him is utterly..unthinkable. i guess i'm not ready to be give up myself completely. i still need to have the "i" in me, and not lose that in the 'we' part. he is.
i have a lot of work today and i've just wasted like 4 hours on the internet doing nothing but uploading vidoes on youtube and shopping on ebay. oh and eating like a pig. this is the problem. i have no more time to run because my life is work, school, david. david is taking over the running part and now i feel lazy and fat. not good. i need to get back into doing stuff. the good thing is that david and i can run together but i just need to make the time.
i haven't had news from leakhena. i guess she is ok. sucks not having her here anymore. kindof makes me scared that..if something were to happen to my relationship with david..then what. i'll be so alone. ew. it's like, i want to be free and independent, no obligations, no sacrifices..me..but at the same time i don't want to be a lonely, introverted hermit. i'm never content with what i have.