(no subject)
remember nights of long waiting - the kind that seeps between your fingers and towards the bottle and the kind of partedness that people took with their walk. we're like enemies of the sky - we choose not to propel forward because we've got nothing to look towards when we walk faced up and with our swords very close, just in case, you know. when we play word games, the only verb that comes to mind when i get the letter 'f' is fight. we fight. like the pawn that is underused and underestimated. i've got a knight on my back but sometimes i forget about it. we once took flight of our intense minds to create a fake painting of nobodies but we failed miserably because all we were doing were sitting by the sea smoking sheesha - i'll tell you why i chose to go. but not today. can you hear the walls screaming for release every night when you lie in bed by her side and can you imagine not being there? i can. can you hear the screeching of cars off the highway when it's close to five a.m. and can you not hold me back? i forget how it was sitting at playgrounds drinking bad coffee and smoking stale cigarettes; i forget how we used to take bus rides to pick my sister up from school and i forget how nice you smell after a shower; i forget how we took long walks from one end of the river to the other and i forget how you kissed me right under the street lamps but i remember a lot of other things - how you used to introduce me to your ex-colleagues just simply with my name and how we sat outside your dad's house eating beancurd and how we laughed a lot while watching soccer because we knew we both weren't paying attention to the game at all. the years that have slipped by, i cannot stomach how it used to be when i wasn't really anything to you but these years have been years of comparison, anger and depression. remember nights of long waiting? no. i remember falling red drapes with people wearing suspenders standing nervously behind those drapes and tapping their feet to the music that was going to be played; and i remember prime seats and peanuts and a lot of other things which i know you don't remember.
recently i've been eating very little because i sleep my hours away and i smoke too much. but two new jobs start tomorrow and i'm finally back in the field of little kids and marker pens and little hands and writing and talking a lot. i love teaching. it's the kind of job that provides so much satisfaction in so many different aspects that you cannot fathom how one can stick to teaching despite its stress level, anger and frustration. recently i look at little babies and want one of my own. -laughs. i think of that as sign of my life recovering. and of course, i've yet to fulfil a single one of my new year resolutions (they sit on my desktop as a huge reminder each time i turn this laptop on) and i think the first one i shall attempt would be learning how to swim. school starts in a week's time and life resumes itself tomorrow. so i don't think i can ask for much more. i must pretend that i don't know. that really works.
recently i've been eating very little because i sleep my hours away and i smoke too much. but two new jobs start tomorrow and i'm finally back in the field of little kids and marker pens and little hands and writing and talking a lot. i love teaching. it's the kind of job that provides so much satisfaction in so many different aspects that you cannot fathom how one can stick to teaching despite its stress level, anger and frustration. recently i look at little babies and want one of my own. -laughs. i think of that as sign of my life recovering. and of course, i've yet to fulfil a single one of my new year resolutions (they sit on my desktop as a huge reminder each time i turn this laptop on) and i think the first one i shall attempt would be learning how to swim. school starts in a week's time and life resumes itself tomorrow. so i don't think i can ask for much more. i must pretend that i don't know. that really works.