(no subject)
livejournal's new layout (okay not very new but because i've been madly obsessed public blog kissingrose, i forgot about this secret journal) scares me - why are there so many stuff to click on?! uncomplicated people like me only want to log in and write, post and log out, why is that difficult to do too?! speaking of which, there've been so many things lately difficult to do - don't even talk about wiping the water from the unreachable parts on the back of my body after my shower for that's another story altogether but i mean resistance makes you sick. it really does. the only reason i'm stupidly back at lj is because i've got issues man. -laughs. i've got issues i'm quite afraid to face and yet they thrill me to the bones. imagine walking out naked at 4am onto the streets while it's snowing madly - tell me if it kills you. actually, it's because i want to talk about a topic that i never thought i'd have to consider - in any relationship that i take on. previously, someone almost cheated on me and infidelity is a big no you know that but hey now you turn the angle and i'm on the other side of it and suddenly infidelity seems like it's all dandy. this stupid sick world, i tell you. no lah, i'm not planning to cheat on anybody, the only person i can cheat is that lady who sits at the bus stop every morning waiting for the same bus and she's so fat she takes up the whole seat and every day i feel like telling her she's sitting on paint so she'd get up and i'll bet your last cigarette with you that she'd jump up so violently the buses would chain collapse. but anyway, aside from cheating fat ladies and my father into thinking that i'm not smoking anymore, i think the only other person i can cheat is myself. i can lie to myself about not feeling such an anticipation and thrill and that sick enticing feeling of secrecy but it's obvious my nose will grow longer and that will only mean that my face becomes unproportionate but who really cares anyway. the point is, i think sometimes, as h said, morals are not really morals because we were brought up being taught that certain things are wrong and certain things are untouchables but yet karma is a sick joke. how can someone like me who has never done any ridiculously bad stuff in my life never get the things i want no matter how hard i push? and the guy who shot someone gets to sleep with his boss' wife. honestly lah, i think life twists you like a broken bone. the more you resist a thought the more it slaps you in the face. the more you avoid a certain topic the more it dashes towards you. and the more you reject the idea of being a third party, the more thrilling it seems. if i don't believe in god, why should i believe in karma? are we dwindled to the point whereby we forgo principles and morality just to achieve aims? i don't mean like killing your brother just to get inheritance lah, i mean allowing yourself to slip into a sweet unspeakable kind of relationship you deem perfect even if it means hurting someone else. i don't mean to say that just because i want something, i can pretend that i don't have principles. i've got so many principles, they tie me down i'll tell you. but the point is - what exactly am i getting out of this? of course i don't want you to jeopardize your life, your stability and house and car and dogs and gf and whatever but some things are so fucking obvious that the more we try to evade the issue the more it bugs us. or at least it bugs me. maybe it bugs you too, oh i don't know. i forgot when i said this, perhaps a few million years ago when i was more sane and not so gross - there're no rights and wrongs, it's either a good or bad decision. and i've always made very lousy and weak decisions, so lousy and weak that i end up being unable to face consqeuences. so you see, i'm bad at making decisions. so if you'll be very kind to make a (hopefully good) decision, i'll be very kind to go along with it. because you're so darn perfect and that kills me. you're so perfect and you're not mine. what the fuck is wrong with this world.