(no subject)
ellie's right -- its just bliss.
and like i said my family is fighting metres away but im not even hearing them. i'm not here. i'm not even at that other place, that place of resistance to the horrible sound and procrastination and sielnt begging drowned out by the sound of my beautiful music. i'm beyond it. i'm higher. i'm gone.
and i have to try and remember the thing i was going to write about before i read her beautiful soul. it's half lost and going to come out half arsed because i can hardly remember it but it was something along the lines of me being so gay. if you know me, push all the bullshit aside and just see me and you may think so many lovely things about me which make me float in the bliss i am now but along with pushing the bullshit aside don't just shove the fact that i am wakward aside. i really am a awkward person and i love her, and her, and him and all the others so much and was so excited about seeing her but like so many times before i found myself in that stance all over again, that position i find myself in but don't know how to stop it or break free, standing there with that stupid look on my face and although i am really so happy i am just awkward. don't turn this around and think it a nice little character trait of mine it's bad. i really just walk away and feel like a fool. and before i go to someone i mentally rack my mind searching for thigns to talk about because i'm scared of the awkwardness. i'm scared of that kind of silence. before i rang someone once, i'm not mentioning a name but it wasn't just with them but i've actually fucking written down thiings we could talk about because other i'm just going to babble about shit and again that may seem teenagy and cute its bad, i talk bad shit. i embarrass myself and say things you just shouldn't say.
but because i'm such a coward you should all know i'm the regular bouncy beautiful confident rararara olivia on msn. and you knwo why? because i don't need to imitate normal people around me who always look in control and happy to stop and chat. i don't have to knwo when to look you in the eye, when to look over you should, when to lift my hand when to scratch my nose, when the smile and when to change my body to addapt to the conversation topic. on the fucking net i can bullshit my way through to people's hearts making them think that's me. i could never describe people like i did about two entries ago to their faces.
so i'm sorry my beautiful Giv, im sorry my gorgeous Hun, Anita, Jen, Ellie, Kate, Ella anyone... the person you think is me isn't me. the person you'e convinced is such a great person ... it's not me. i will never forget your kindness but i can't lie. and i'm not saying i lie and pretend on the net, it's just not me.
i'm awkward and really quite unintelligent and ignorant and i'm not brave and different and alive.
i never know what to say. and i'm scared of that. so i babble. then i just i crumble because of the embarrassment of my words. so even though i know you so well and our minds are parallel and we just have so much in common you have something i dont. you may be dying on the inside and still look in control.
i can't do that, my face and my mouth with its shit won't let me.
we all bleed. you can hide it. i can't. don't make this sound liek a good thing, please just don't bother. i wish i were you alot.
did you know that?
i'm sorry im not who you think i am.
and like i said my family is fighting metres away but im not even hearing them. i'm not here. i'm not even at that other place, that place of resistance to the horrible sound and procrastination and sielnt begging drowned out by the sound of my beautiful music. i'm beyond it. i'm higher. i'm gone.
and i have to try and remember the thing i was going to write about before i read her beautiful soul. it's half lost and going to come out half arsed because i can hardly remember it but it was something along the lines of me being so gay. if you know me, push all the bullshit aside and just see me and you may think so many lovely things about me which make me float in the bliss i am now but along with pushing the bullshit aside don't just shove the fact that i am wakward aside. i really am a awkward person and i love her, and her, and him and all the others so much and was so excited about seeing her but like so many times before i found myself in that stance all over again, that position i find myself in but don't know how to stop it or break free, standing there with that stupid look on my face and although i am really so happy i am just awkward. don't turn this around and think it a nice little character trait of mine it's bad. i really just walk away and feel like a fool. and before i go to someone i mentally rack my mind searching for thigns to talk about because i'm scared of the awkwardness. i'm scared of that kind of silence. before i rang someone once, i'm not mentioning a name but it wasn't just with them but i've actually fucking written down thiings we could talk about because other i'm just going to babble about shit and again that may seem teenagy and cute its bad, i talk bad shit. i embarrass myself and say things you just shouldn't say.
but because i'm such a coward you should all know i'm the regular bouncy beautiful confident rararara olivia on msn. and you knwo why? because i don't need to imitate normal people around me who always look in control and happy to stop and chat. i don't have to knwo when to look you in the eye, when to look over you should, when to lift my hand when to scratch my nose, when the smile and when to change my body to addapt to the conversation topic. on the fucking net i can bullshit my way through to people's hearts making them think that's me. i could never describe people like i did about two entries ago to their faces.
so i'm sorry my beautiful Giv, im sorry my gorgeous Hun, Anita, Jen, Ellie, Kate, Ella anyone... the person you think is me isn't me. the person you'e convinced is such a great person ... it's not me. i will never forget your kindness but i can't lie. and i'm not saying i lie and pretend on the net, it's just not me.
i'm awkward and really quite unintelligent and ignorant and i'm not brave and different and alive.
i never know what to say. and i'm scared of that. so i babble. then i just i crumble because of the embarrassment of my words. so even though i know you so well and our minds are parallel and we just have so much in common you have something i dont. you may be dying on the inside and still look in control.
i can't do that, my face and my mouth with its shit won't let me.
we all bleed. you can hide it. i can't. don't make this sound liek a good thing, please just don't bother. i wish i were you alot.
did you know that?
i'm sorry im not who you think i am.