(no subject)
I always hear people say things about how as you get older things will change more and more. It will get to the point where we don't even flinch at those disappointments, you\ll figuratively dust yourself off and try again. With all that I have learned this year, I feel like I still know absolutely fuck all about myself, my life, and the path that I am on.
I ask a formative question. Are most of the choices and decisions that we need to make in life based on some form of settling? can we honestly attain what we really want? and why is it when you think you have what you thought you wanted, you realize that it might not be it? with that said, when do we realistically decide that this is good enough?
I feel so bitter - jaded and complaining about love at 25. Now I don't want to harp, I don't feel I am hard done by at all. I do feel that I am at a loss of love in my life. I love my parents, but I never speak to my mother (I know I know that is my choice, but if she was yours would understand - we will get back to that later) and there definitely could have been a lot more love, well everyone's could have. With Ms. N. I can't trust you. I never have, and probably you the same. I think two people so broken aren't capable of having close friendships, especially you. Just saying. Honestly though, I think you use people, and I don't think its your fault, I don't know if you mean to do it, you might. But you know you use people, money doesnt matter to me, and I'll gladly give my money to my friends. But when you have money to buy stupid things like 50$ video games, but you cant afford 20$ to pay me back for a movie? like you had the money in your pocket? it's not even about the money. Its about boring something when you have the means to pay it back. Like I am not your cell phone bill I am your friend.
I feel like in order to move on I will eventually need to leave this job. It would never work if our friendship ended, and I'm pretty sure you would make my life a living hell if we got into a fight. But I think in order for eachother to grow we should end this pretty quickly, and painlessly. Why do you think I have been interviewing all week. Besides that I don't have any people who actually love me, who when it comes down to it would be there for me. I know we are not supposed to rely on anyone else in life. We make our lives, and what we put into it is the outcome, others are not responsible for our success, but like I have said, when did we decided to settle? when did we decide that these relationships are good enough for us?
I want real love. I want genuine, honest, pure, intelligent, crazy love. You would be yourself. You wouldn't be a caricature of yourself. You would be genuine, you would ask me out to dinner, and then take me out for dessert. You would look at me, flaws and all, it doesnt matter that I havent made a career decision, or that I like twilight. You will look me in the eyes, and tell me that at night, when you were in bed, you would lie close to one side, leaving room for me, because you never wanted to get used to sleeping alone, you were waiting for me to take the space. You always knew it would be me lying next to you. You would see that I am trying, that this isn't easy for me. That it's hard for me to have someone love me despite the wrongdoings.
When I was a child my mother would mentally abuse my siblings, along with physical and verbal abuse. We would have checklists of things to be done. I wasn't allowed to play outside till I was in high school. But in my house, with my mother, I would try to do good things all the time, all the time. We all would, my sister would get straight A's, keep in mind my family is in no way academic at all. But the moment she had that B, none of the A's matter, and never for the rest of your life would the A's ever be brought up. Living something down was never an option, she definitely believe in mental face washings. How do you move on from that? here I am at 25, still trying to get through the fog that was my upbringing - when will it get thinner?
When will you love me? when will you ask me to go ice skating with you? When will you make the effort?
When did I decide to settle?
With all the heartbreaks this year I am glad I have been single. It's made missing that alot more bearable. I miss H, and L. But L made her decision, 2 months no reply. I didn't expect you to revolt from your mother in law. I understand the ties that bind. But 10 years of friendship, and I don't deserve a phone call? or an email? I know you don't work, you basically sit there and read FB all day. You couldn't reach down deep into that dusty soul, and pull a few sentences from your gut to explain that you care(d) about me? did I really need to do the talking? I didn't even honestly expect to be in the bridal party. But for crying out loud, could you have discussed this me before you invited LY, C, and BBB to be your bridesmades? like really fucking C? really? and not me? are you kidding me? The ball is in your corner. You could make up for it. I would be willing to accept your heartfelt apology - a little emotion this time. I think I deserve that much.
Way too much in my head.
- M!CHAEL
I ask a formative question. Are most of the choices and decisions that we need to make in life based on some form of settling? can we honestly attain what we really want? and why is it when you think you have what you thought you wanted, you realize that it might not be it? with that said, when do we realistically decide that this is good enough?
I feel so bitter - jaded and complaining about love at 25. Now I don't want to harp, I don't feel I am hard done by at all. I do feel that I am at a loss of love in my life. I love my parents, but I never speak to my mother (I know I know that is my choice, but if she was yours would understand - we will get back to that later) and there definitely could have been a lot more love, well everyone's could have. With Ms. N. I can't trust you. I never have, and probably you the same. I think two people so broken aren't capable of having close friendships, especially you. Just saying. Honestly though, I think you use people, and I don't think its your fault, I don't know if you mean to do it, you might. But you know you use people, money doesnt matter to me, and I'll gladly give my money to my friends. But when you have money to buy stupid things like 50$ video games, but you cant afford 20$ to pay me back for a movie? like you had the money in your pocket? it's not even about the money. Its about boring something when you have the means to pay it back. Like I am not your cell phone bill I am your friend.
I feel like in order to move on I will eventually need to leave this job. It would never work if our friendship ended, and I'm pretty sure you would make my life a living hell if we got into a fight. But I think in order for eachother to grow we should end this pretty quickly, and painlessly. Why do you think I have been interviewing all week. Besides that I don't have any people who actually love me, who when it comes down to it would be there for me. I know we are not supposed to rely on anyone else in life. We make our lives, and what we put into it is the outcome, others are not responsible for our success, but like I have said, when did we decided to settle? when did we decide that these relationships are good enough for us?
I want real love. I want genuine, honest, pure, intelligent, crazy love. You would be yourself. You wouldn't be a caricature of yourself. You would be genuine, you would ask me out to dinner, and then take me out for dessert. You would look at me, flaws and all, it doesnt matter that I havent made a career decision, or that I like twilight. You will look me in the eyes, and tell me that at night, when you were in bed, you would lie close to one side, leaving room for me, because you never wanted to get used to sleeping alone, you were waiting for me to take the space. You always knew it would be me lying next to you. You would see that I am trying, that this isn't easy for me. That it's hard for me to have someone love me despite the wrongdoings.
When I was a child my mother would mentally abuse my siblings, along with physical and verbal abuse. We would have checklists of things to be done. I wasn't allowed to play outside till I was in high school. But in my house, with my mother, I would try to do good things all the time, all the time. We all would, my sister would get straight A's, keep in mind my family is in no way academic at all. But the moment she had that B, none of the A's matter, and never for the rest of your life would the A's ever be brought up. Living something down was never an option, she definitely believe in mental face washings. How do you move on from that? here I am at 25, still trying to get through the fog that was my upbringing - when will it get thinner?
When will you love me? when will you ask me to go ice skating with you? When will you make the effort?
When did I decide to settle?
With all the heartbreaks this year I am glad I have been single. It's made missing that alot more bearable. I miss H, and L. But L made her decision, 2 months no reply. I didn't expect you to revolt from your mother in law. I understand the ties that bind. But 10 years of friendship, and I don't deserve a phone call? or an email? I know you don't work, you basically sit there and read FB all day. You couldn't reach down deep into that dusty soul, and pull a few sentences from your gut to explain that you care(d) about me? did I really need to do the talking? I didn't even honestly expect to be in the bridal party. But for crying out loud, could you have discussed this me before you invited LY, C, and BBB to be your bridesmades? like really fucking C? really? and not me? are you kidding me? The ball is in your corner. You could make up for it. I would be willing to accept your heartfelt apology - a little emotion this time. I think I deserve that much.
Way too much in my head.
- M!CHAEL