Always Drama
So having just recently updated that not much was going on in the usual "parental argument" sector that has become expected while I stay at home it seemed my post was akin to saying "what's the worst that could happen?"
Last night I decided that I would try my hand at cooking some chicken tacos and had called and asked my parent's permission to do so. Since there was no defrosted chicken it took awhile and I had just begun seasoning the chicken when they got home from grocery shopping. I had dumped the seasons in a bag with the chicken and had appropriately shaken it up and had the george forman lined up ready to place the chicken on. I then opened the bag with one hand *careful not the touch the inside* and then reached in with my other *washed* hand to pat the seasonings into the chicken before taking it and putting it on the grill. My dad immediately jumped on what I was doing - "you're touching the chicken with you bare hands?" "Yeah, I am rubbing in the seasonings and then putting it on the grill, I washed my hands..." My mom then reminded me to spray the george forman so I reached for the pam with my non-chickened hand and my dad FLIPPED out saying I was spreading salmanila everywhere. When I argued back that I hadn't touched the chicken with that hand he insisted he "saw me do it" and he and mom then insisted that I didn't know what I was doing. All this was done with yelling as I was trying to apease them by washing my hands and grabbing tongs I yelled back "alright!" At which point my mom felt that it was prudent to remind me that I "didn't know EVERYTHING" and that "they were allowed to tell me what to do as my parents" - again yelling at me. And I suppose the fact that I hadn't argued with them in awhile - instead eating my anger at a couple of choice points - caused me to kind of go into a silent rage trying to once again refrain from escalating the situation. But of course my parents are seemingly unaware of the effect they have so five minutes later my dad is trying to talk to me all friendly and I am giving him curt answers both to try to stay calm and to indicate that I didn't want to talk and he once again flipped out yelling that I couldn't let anything go and that always had an attitude - and then he stormed off. I clenched my jaw for an hour and almost cried over the kitchen sink I was so angry and no longer hungry for my chicken I just put it away. My release came when tori came home - she is seemingly my savior around the house, and I like to think that I am hers.
Because of the fight I was kind of wound tight and couldn't go to sleep right away and for the first time since taking my medication didn't sleep well. As a result I woke up kind of in a weird state of mind - kind of foggy since I took my meds later than normal and had to get up earlier than normal for a therapists appointment which ended up being kind of disappointing. This was only our second session and the first session had gone pretty well I thought - she had mapped out a plan of the issues we needed to deal with and I felt for the first time that I was going to have problems addressed correctly. However, this session *probably because of my weird mood* seemed odd - there was very little talking about what was going on in my head or life - only two instances that I can think of where we discussed the fight I had with my parents before - which lead to a huge "exercise" on controlling my breathing and trying to establish a better train of thought after the fight has ended. And then she approached one of our topics which was "identity issues" which caused me to immediately bring up the dream that I had discussed before since it was the first dream in a while that I had been an actual female and that it confirmed heterosexual desires. This then lead to another exercise which was kind of silly where she put elements of my dream in petals of a flower and asked me the significance of each thing which was difficult since I felt I didn't really know and that was the reason it was showing in dream form. It then was weird since we started talking more about identity and self-confidence and then about little things I could work on to improve this. The first thing she said was "when you look away it makes you look sad - you should make eye contact more" which was depressing since it meant she didn't get that the whole identity problem was about being more honest - meaning I don't have a problem meeting people's eyes if I am not talking about the stuff in therapy. And then there was more misunderstandings until she started giving me compliments and when I couldn't meet her eye or say thank you she insisted that I didn't know what it was like to take a compliment which lead me to explain to her that after only two sessions and our current topic the compliments felt forced and not real - to which she was like "you're such an honest person for telling me that' goading me into another compliment. I finally said thank you and was able to leave the session.
I then stopped by tori's work to grab the dreaded dunkin donuts application. She was super busy so I went home shortly after and suddenly found myself exhausted. It didn't feel like lack of sleep exhausted - it felt like getting over a fever exhausted. My body hurt and my brain was foggy - I knew there was a bunch of stuff that I should be doing, that I WANTED to be doing but my body could not find the energy. I felt anemic or something and simply had no choice but to lie down and take a nap.
Waking up I found my dad had brought subway and that I had little time to decide whether or not I was going to softball - which I opted out of since it meant we were only playing two innings or so and I hadn't been on the roster for the first 4 so it was unlikely I would play anyway and I was still feeling really tiered. Tori convinced me to take a trip to wal mart with her so we could deck out some cheap t-shirts for a badminton team for the fourth of july bonanza. We managed to get the stuff we needed, some coffee, and then to our basement to start the project when more drama started happening. Apparently my mother opened the door - for what reason I don't know at 8 at night and the dog got out. Initially this was only slightly worrisome since the dog usually gets out and comes back on her own a while later. Our dad informed us that he would check on last time before he and my mother went to bed but if she wasn't here it was our responsibility to make sure she got home - which was fine. About an hour later tori had to go upstairs to get a ruler and called for me to follow her because apparently mom was super worried about the dog being out in the woods at night. That she wouldn't find her way home and that her barking in the distance sounded like she was "in trouble and scared." It took all my effort not to roll my eyes at this since my mom's concern not only seemed over dramatic but "put on" as well. I went out to the porch to whistle a few times and did my part in calling for her explaining to my mom that dogs have a sense of smell and that she would find her way back and that I wasn't going in the woods after her like she asked. She finally gets my dad to do it so he starts walking around in the swamp behind our yard until we can't hear him anymore. My mom insists we keep on whistling while asking stupid questions like "what should she do, should she turn on her car lights, should she go after him, should we go after him" again it all seems very insincere - I feel she was feeling more guilty than concerned and felt she had to show how concerned she was. When dad called and said he had her she walked by me and said something to which I replied "well next time we can handle it a little better" and she replied "I was worried about my dog I hadnled it just fine THANKS. Which was the proceeded by her taking a tone and being sarcastic to anything my sister and I said - I finally called her on it and my sister agreed to which she gave her whole "this is my voice" speech insisting she wasn't taking a tone and that we obviously didn't know her as well as we thought we did. She then insisted that it was "open season" to criticize her all the time - at which I laughed pointing out how she NEVER said anything about me and tori and she replied that she was allowed as the mother and that it wasn't a two way street. I insisted I was an adult and didn't need to be criticized constantly under the umbrella of parenthood. "I'm going to keep talking in my own house" she insists, "maybe I just have to stop listening then" I reply, "you don't listen anyway" she comes back with and that if I don't like her talking I shouldn't be here. Which rounded out the conversation with the usual conversation about how I DIDN"T want to be there - "you can go back to florida then in the fall" "that's what I'm aiming at in case you didn't notice" at which point she laughs and says " no i haven't noticed you doing a thing." I slam the chair I am sitting on on the porch (so that I can call for dad whenever necessary as he is lost in the woods) and head inside stating that "I don't have to stay out here, I didn't lose the dog" - which lead me down to the basement to update livejournal while my sister stayed helping my parents and we could eventually continue our project.
This turned out to be a much longer post than I anticipated - but essentially what had been an alright set up at home has once again exploded into craziness and I once again clamor for an exit from the insanity that works to keep me in a constant bad mood. And my mom wonders why I have to take medication...thank god for the computer and it's healing properties right :D
Last night I decided that I would try my hand at cooking some chicken tacos and had called and asked my parent's permission to do so. Since there was no defrosted chicken it took awhile and I had just begun seasoning the chicken when they got home from grocery shopping. I had dumped the seasons in a bag with the chicken and had appropriately shaken it up and had the george forman lined up ready to place the chicken on. I then opened the bag with one hand *careful not the touch the inside* and then reached in with my other *washed* hand to pat the seasonings into the chicken before taking it and putting it on the grill. My dad immediately jumped on what I was doing - "you're touching the chicken with you bare hands?" "Yeah, I am rubbing in the seasonings and then putting it on the grill, I washed my hands..." My mom then reminded me to spray the george forman so I reached for the pam with my non-chickened hand and my dad FLIPPED out saying I was spreading salmanila everywhere. When I argued back that I hadn't touched the chicken with that hand he insisted he "saw me do it" and he and mom then insisted that I didn't know what I was doing. All this was done with yelling as I was trying to apease them by washing my hands and grabbing tongs I yelled back "alright!" At which point my mom felt that it was prudent to remind me that I "didn't know EVERYTHING" and that "they were allowed to tell me what to do as my parents" - again yelling at me. And I suppose the fact that I hadn't argued with them in awhile - instead eating my anger at a couple of choice points - caused me to kind of go into a silent rage trying to once again refrain from escalating the situation. But of course my parents are seemingly unaware of the effect they have so five minutes later my dad is trying to talk to me all friendly and I am giving him curt answers both to try to stay calm and to indicate that I didn't want to talk and he once again flipped out yelling that I couldn't let anything go and that always had an attitude - and then he stormed off. I clenched my jaw for an hour and almost cried over the kitchen sink I was so angry and no longer hungry for my chicken I just put it away. My release came when tori came home - she is seemingly my savior around the house, and I like to think that I am hers.
Because of the fight I was kind of wound tight and couldn't go to sleep right away and for the first time since taking my medication didn't sleep well. As a result I woke up kind of in a weird state of mind - kind of foggy since I took my meds later than normal and had to get up earlier than normal for a therapists appointment which ended up being kind of disappointing. This was only our second session and the first session had gone pretty well I thought - she had mapped out a plan of the issues we needed to deal with and I felt for the first time that I was going to have problems addressed correctly. However, this session *probably because of my weird mood* seemed odd - there was very little talking about what was going on in my head or life - only two instances that I can think of where we discussed the fight I had with my parents before - which lead to a huge "exercise" on controlling my breathing and trying to establish a better train of thought after the fight has ended. And then she approached one of our topics which was "identity issues" which caused me to immediately bring up the dream that I had discussed before since it was the first dream in a while that I had been an actual female and that it confirmed heterosexual desires. This then lead to another exercise which was kind of silly where she put elements of my dream in petals of a flower and asked me the significance of each thing which was difficult since I felt I didn't really know and that was the reason it was showing in dream form. It then was weird since we started talking more about identity and self-confidence and then about little things I could work on to improve this. The first thing she said was "when you look away it makes you look sad - you should make eye contact more" which was depressing since it meant she didn't get that the whole identity problem was about being more honest - meaning I don't have a problem meeting people's eyes if I am not talking about the stuff in therapy. And then there was more misunderstandings until she started giving me compliments and when I couldn't meet her eye or say thank you she insisted that I didn't know what it was like to take a compliment which lead me to explain to her that after only two sessions and our current topic the compliments felt forced and not real - to which she was like "you're such an honest person for telling me that' goading me into another compliment. I finally said thank you and was able to leave the session.
I then stopped by tori's work to grab the dreaded dunkin donuts application. She was super busy so I went home shortly after and suddenly found myself exhausted. It didn't feel like lack of sleep exhausted - it felt like getting over a fever exhausted. My body hurt and my brain was foggy - I knew there was a bunch of stuff that I should be doing, that I WANTED to be doing but my body could not find the energy. I felt anemic or something and simply had no choice but to lie down and take a nap.
Waking up I found my dad had brought subway and that I had little time to decide whether or not I was going to softball - which I opted out of since it meant we were only playing two innings or so and I hadn't been on the roster for the first 4 so it was unlikely I would play anyway and I was still feeling really tiered. Tori convinced me to take a trip to wal mart with her so we could deck out some cheap t-shirts for a badminton team for the fourth of july bonanza. We managed to get the stuff we needed, some coffee, and then to our basement to start the project when more drama started happening. Apparently my mother opened the door - for what reason I don't know at 8 at night and the dog got out. Initially this was only slightly worrisome since the dog usually gets out and comes back on her own a while later. Our dad informed us that he would check on last time before he and my mother went to bed but if she wasn't here it was our responsibility to make sure she got home - which was fine. About an hour later tori had to go upstairs to get a ruler and called for me to follow her because apparently mom was super worried about the dog being out in the woods at night. That she wouldn't find her way home and that her barking in the distance sounded like she was "in trouble and scared." It took all my effort not to roll my eyes at this since my mom's concern not only seemed over dramatic but "put on" as well. I went out to the porch to whistle a few times and did my part in calling for her explaining to my mom that dogs have a sense of smell and that she would find her way back and that I wasn't going in the woods after her like she asked. She finally gets my dad to do it so he starts walking around in the swamp behind our yard until we can't hear him anymore. My mom insists we keep on whistling while asking stupid questions like "what should she do, should she turn on her car lights, should she go after him, should we go after him" again it all seems very insincere - I feel she was feeling more guilty than concerned and felt she had to show how concerned she was. When dad called and said he had her she walked by me and said something to which I replied "well next time we can handle it a little better" and she replied "I was worried about my dog I hadnled it just fine THANKS. Which was the proceeded by her taking a tone and being sarcastic to anything my sister and I said - I finally called her on it and my sister agreed to which she gave her whole "this is my voice" speech insisting she wasn't taking a tone and that we obviously didn't know her as well as we thought we did. She then insisted that it was "open season" to criticize her all the time - at which I laughed pointing out how she NEVER said anything about me and tori and she replied that she was allowed as the mother and that it wasn't a two way street. I insisted I was an adult and didn't need to be criticized constantly under the umbrella of parenthood. "I'm going to keep talking in my own house" she insists, "maybe I just have to stop listening then" I reply, "you don't listen anyway" she comes back with and that if I don't like her talking I shouldn't be here. Which rounded out the conversation with the usual conversation about how I DIDN"T want to be there - "you can go back to florida then in the fall" "that's what I'm aiming at in case you didn't notice" at which point she laughs and says " no i haven't noticed you doing a thing." I slam the chair I am sitting on on the porch (so that I can call for dad whenever necessary as he is lost in the woods) and head inside stating that "I don't have to stay out here, I didn't lose the dog" - which lead me down to the basement to update livejournal while my sister stayed helping my parents and we could eventually continue our project.
This turned out to be a much longer post than I anticipated - but essentially what had been an alright set up at home has once again exploded into craziness and I once again clamor for an exit from the insanity that works to keep me in a constant bad mood. And my mom wonders why I have to take medication...thank god for the computer and it's healing properties right :D