Life in 2016
Sometimes I get this irresistable urge to update my LJ, like an old ghost that just won't stay dead but wants to live again. Thus LJ haunts me, every now and again and here I am, updating. The year is 2016 (gasp!) and I am turning - WHAT THE ACTUAL FLYING F*** - 27 years old! *screams and runs around in circles like a maniac* Gosh. I missed writing like this, dem asterisks.
Anyway, I think I left my last post hanging... at the beginning of 2015. So more than a year and half has passed, whaddup yo Chezz? Have I done anything useful with my life? Short answer: Not really - or as I always like to say, "not yet". I honestly can say the past year was CRA-ZY though. I started my masters in September, Asian Studies at University Leiden. I studied and worked at the same time, yes, crazy times. I learned Mandarin Chinese, I read up a ton on Asian cultures (Chinese, Korean, Tibetan) learned a ton about their art, religion, politics etc. Wrote a lot of papers, met some new people, made a few friends. It was great. At work I learned new skills, learned to be more responsible, had the pleasure of working with horrible junior co-workers, unsucessfully launched a clothing webshop (LOL) and am now something that resembles a content marketeer, social media-person, sales assistant and overall branding & stylist. Ugh. Yes, I know this worries me, what and which way to go. It is kinda ironic that even after one and a half year I still find myself adrift, doing everything and nothing at work and studying one of the most VAGUE masters ever. Haha! But then agian, what would I be if not my vague-chaotic-self. INFPS WITH ENNEAGRAM 9'S FOR THE WIN! (No, tbh we suck at life. I wish I could just get sucked away through a portal to another dimension where I could live as a wise, old, immortal elf with magical powers. Or a nice tree. Whatever.)
Okay so apart from all that I am quite content. The thing that sometimes leaves me worried is that I feel like I lack a sense of accomplishment. I read through some of my old entries and as I try not to cringe too much at all the emotional crap I was spewing, I still felt there was a very solid sense of hope, a look towards the future, endless possibilities. Now it's not that I am NOT without hope or dreams, but I feel that the window of opportunity is dwindling. But then agian it's not, because I have become more brazen, more solid as a person. I dare to take more risks now, and chase after the things I want because I have become more of myself, have come to grown into my own. Whereas before I always felt a part of me was translucent, I feel more solid and down to earth now. It's a good thing I suppose but somewhere I feel a sense of loss. That part of me that was like a will-o-wisp, ever wandering, shifting, dreaming, still a child. *sigh* A child, yes. It's hard to let go. I guess it took me a long while to actually mature. 27 years is a damn long time, if you ask me.
But I believe from that firmness that I have become as a person, I want to build something. A legacy of sorts. I can finally understand why people wish for such things. We are born into tumultous times, I feel a bit scared. Politically and ideologically I feel that humanity is drawing close to becoming self-absorbed, unemphatic and arrogant.. I do wish to do something. That contributes to this world, something good. But I already feel a part of me has become bitter and unmotivated. When years earlier every fibre in my being would've screamed "YES", now I feel the "But why?"s creep up around the corners of my mind (not my heart! yet!). Bitterly selfish, horribly arrogant "Why should I?" or "What's in it for me?" and so on. But you know, I do not see it entirely as evil. There is a sense of autonomy and having to be on your guard to protect yourself and loved ones - it is a sense of duty and responsibility (be it misguided in your eyes or none). There will always have to be people who make decisions, who pass judgment, because without it there is no action. And inaction can be "a weapon of mass destruction" (I stole that from "Faithless - Mass destruction"). It sure is tough, making informed, wise decisions. See, I would make a very bad leader because I can hardly lead myself LOL.
Anyway, as this is LJ I will also shortly touch upon some of my fandom cravings. Ahem, so I have far too late, delved into the wonder that is fanfiction. Specifically the fanfiction of THE LABYRINTH. Yes it's that super old movie starring David Bowie and Jennifer Connely but oh my god I LOVE THAT MOVIE. I haven't been so transfixed, absorbed, obsessed with a movie since the LOTR triolgy. It had that magic, that pull to suck me right into its world. Soo I have been reading delicious Jareth/Sarah fics the past few months. And now that I have devoured most of these lovely stories, I feel a need to write a story myself! So that I think will be a thing with which I will entertain myself for the coming two months on the writing department. It's been a while since I wrote anything so it'll be *sarcasm* blast.
Whoop and I've been busy cosplaying too the past two years. Not intensively tbh, just... super casual. Store bought stuff. I have a sewing machine at home that is unused haha. So yeah maybe some magical day when I stop being a klutz and horribly impatient, I can make my own costume! Yes, I SHALL MAKE ALL THE THINGS! *lifts fist in air*
Anyhoo, I just really want to get back to writing fiction again. I just miss it, like a part of me is missing! So I dug up my old writing journal (LJ) and I want to drabble and post short blurbs over there hoho.
Anyway, I think I left my last post hanging... at the beginning of 2015. So more than a year and half has passed, whaddup yo Chezz? Have I done anything useful with my life? Short answer: Not really - or as I always like to say, "not yet". I honestly can say the past year was CRA-ZY though. I started my masters in September, Asian Studies at University Leiden. I studied and worked at the same time, yes, crazy times. I learned Mandarin Chinese, I read up a ton on Asian cultures (Chinese, Korean, Tibetan) learned a ton about their art, religion, politics etc. Wrote a lot of papers, met some new people, made a few friends. It was great. At work I learned new skills, learned to be more responsible, had the pleasure of working with horrible junior co-workers, unsucessfully launched a clothing webshop (LOL) and am now something that resembles a content marketeer, social media-person, sales assistant and overall branding & stylist. Ugh. Yes, I know this worries me, what and which way to go. It is kinda ironic that even after one and a half year I still find myself adrift, doing everything and nothing at work and studying one of the most VAGUE masters ever. Haha! But then agian, what would I be if not my vague-chaotic-self. INFPS WITH ENNEAGRAM 9'S FOR THE WIN! (No, tbh we suck at life. I wish I could just get sucked away through a portal to another dimension where I could live as a wise, old, immortal elf with magical powers. Or a nice tree. Whatever.)
Okay so apart from all that I am quite content. The thing that sometimes leaves me worried is that I feel like I lack a sense of accomplishment. I read through some of my old entries and as I try not to cringe too much at all the emotional crap I was spewing, I still felt there was a very solid sense of hope, a look towards the future, endless possibilities. Now it's not that I am NOT without hope or dreams, but I feel that the window of opportunity is dwindling. But then agian it's not, because I have become more brazen, more solid as a person. I dare to take more risks now, and chase after the things I want because I have become more of myself, have come to grown into my own. Whereas before I always felt a part of me was translucent, I feel more solid and down to earth now. It's a good thing I suppose but somewhere I feel a sense of loss. That part of me that was like a will-o-wisp, ever wandering, shifting, dreaming, still a child. *sigh* A child, yes. It's hard to let go. I guess it took me a long while to actually mature. 27 years is a damn long time, if you ask me.
But I believe from that firmness that I have become as a person, I want to build something. A legacy of sorts. I can finally understand why people wish for such things. We are born into tumultous times, I feel a bit scared. Politically and ideologically I feel that humanity is drawing close to becoming self-absorbed, unemphatic and arrogant.. I do wish to do something. That contributes to this world, something good. But I already feel a part of me has become bitter and unmotivated. When years earlier every fibre in my being would've screamed "YES", now I feel the "But why?"s creep up around the corners of my mind (not my heart! yet!). Bitterly selfish, horribly arrogant "Why should I?" or "What's in it for me?" and so on. But you know, I do not see it entirely as evil. There is a sense of autonomy and having to be on your guard to protect yourself and loved ones - it is a sense of duty and responsibility (be it misguided in your eyes or none). There will always have to be people who make decisions, who pass judgment, because without it there is no action. And inaction can be "a weapon of mass destruction" (I stole that from "Faithless - Mass destruction"). It sure is tough, making informed, wise decisions. See, I would make a very bad leader because I can hardly lead myself LOL.
Anyway, as this is LJ I will also shortly touch upon some of my fandom cravings. Ahem, so I have far too late, delved into the wonder that is fanfiction. Specifically the fanfiction of THE LABYRINTH. Yes it's that super old movie starring David Bowie and Jennifer Connely but oh my god I LOVE THAT MOVIE. I haven't been so transfixed, absorbed, obsessed with a movie since the LOTR triolgy. It had that magic, that pull to suck me right into its world. Soo I have been reading delicious Jareth/Sarah fics the past few months. And now that I have devoured most of these lovely stories, I feel a need to write a story myself! So that I think will be a thing with which I will entertain myself for the coming two months on the writing department. It's been a while since I wrote anything so it'll be *sarcasm* blast.
Whoop and I've been busy cosplaying too the past two years. Not intensively tbh, just... super casual. Store bought stuff. I have a sewing machine at home that is unused haha. So yeah maybe some magical day when I stop being a klutz and horribly impatient, I can make my own costume! Yes, I SHALL MAKE ALL THE THINGS! *lifts fist in air*
Anyhoo, I just really want to get back to writing fiction again. I just miss it, like a part of me is missing! So I dug up my old writing journal (LJ) and I want to drabble and post short blurbs over there hoho.