#19
he just dropped me off.
it's been 7 months since i've seen him, since i've seen those blue eyes.
we laughed and talked and smiled and danced and stared and loved and giggled.
i lived tonight, and for a few moments i felt again. i felt pain and want and jealousy and love and happiness for flittering yet amazing moments. we talked for hours. we've kept in touch all these months but we still talked for hours. we capped and recapped and detailed and outlined. i spoke of my new world of studies and sounds and colours. i told him about the time i left my credit card in the dingy little boutique and never saw it again. he smiled at my forgetfulness. i told him about the amazing family owned coffee shop on the corner that sells the most amazing turkish coffee i've ever had. his eyes watched my expressions, memorizing over and over. i loved sharing with him in person, being able to see his reactions to my words, to my reactions; his eyes to mine.
and he told me of his world. his new world of concrete and times square and beautiful women and night clubs and broadway and lights and glamour and studies and love and love and love. and he told me the story of spilling frozen yugort on some well known actress on some new well known tv show and i smiled when his eyes blushed at the memory. and i laughed when he retold of waking up late for his psychology final and taking it shirtless because there was no time to grab something to wear, he brought a coat of course. and he told me of the beautiful girl he met in his English Literature class and how they hit it off amazingly.
she is now his girlfriend.
she is now my rage.
she is now my red.
Sam is now a pile of anger.
"i'm so happy for you"
"i knew you would be"
"..heh...yeah...i"
"i thought it'd be hard you know..."
"..." why was he bringing this up
"but she just makes me so happy" i'm so fucking happy for you
all i could do was smile and play with my runny bowl of soup. stupid creamed soup. i can't eat any soup that isn't transparent. it's a weird quirk of mine. if i can't see what's in it, i can't eat it. retarded tangent.
the night went on like that. we spoke of other things. she was never brought up again. we smiled, i repressed. sometimes he'd look at me and i could swear he was looking. like i've been looking. looking for something. some sign to stop everything and hold me. hold me and tell me it was all a ruse.
"it's always you Sam," is what i wanted him to say as he buried his face into my neck.
but he just put his arm around me, just casually enough as to make sure not to give the wrong impression, as we walked with our cups of coffee. the pavement was wet, but i was wearing boots so it was okay. he smiled and i melted. but i never showed it.
i love how i've learned to hide everything that i've become even to those who know me best. it's amazing really, i've fooled myself sometimes. only when he looks at me do i remember how i truly feel. how i want those eyes to look for me and me alone.
he just dropped me off.
he looked at me when we were in the doorway, that look, and i hated him for it.
"i missed you Sam, i missed you so amazingly"
i didn't say anything, i only looked
he took a deep sigh, "i'm glad for everything"
i kept looking
"let's do something tommorow"
i nodded
"hey Sam.."
i looked
"you okay Sammy?"
for a moment the entire night flew through my mind and i wanted to break down and tell him no. no Seth, no i am not okay. no. no. no. no. the man i love, the only man i've ever been able to feel anything for has found someone else. someone...else...no seth. no.
"of course," i paused and forced a smile, "silly boy"
he smiled, "just making sure"
i hugged him quickly, i didn't want to feel him, smell him, know him. i wanted to be inside my room, safe and away as soon as possible. i needed to be alone so i could stop feeling. i needed to be secure.
"i'll call you tomoro"
"good"
and i closed the door. and i closed my eyes. and i closed my mind.
i was sitting in my bed for 6.7 minutes. my phone rang. it was Seth. stop it.
"go to your window"
"why?" i groaned, he was supposed to be gone. i need a break from all this emotion.
"just do it, or i'll kill you"
he hung up before i could retort. he's not allowed to use my lines.
i slumped to the window and there he was. my phone rang again.
"you hung up on me"
"that's a lie"
"what do you want" i coudlnt help but smile. my heart was beating unhealthily fast.
"listen" he went to his car and turned on his radio. "Build Me Up Buttercup, Baby" by the Foundations was playing and he was amazing.
he stood there in front of his car, lip synching to "build me up buttercup, baby". he sang and danced and it was for me and for me alone. and i watched him, tears streaming down my face.
"why do you build me up"
build me up. to such emotion.
"buttercup baby just to let me down"
let me down. when it hurts so much.
"and mess me around and then worst of all"
worst of all. i can't stop crying.
"you never call baby, when you say you will,"
when you say you will. love me.
"but i love you still"
i love you
"i love you, more than anyone darling"
i stopped listening.
i stopped watching.
i just wanted it to end so that i could stop crying. why did i feel this way? why was this so hard...
he was laughing as he finished, breathless.
"for you baby, smile for me Sammy baby, smile for me"
anything for you
"thank you"
"u smiling?"
no. i'm crying.
"yes"
"good," he yawned, "i'm off love. goodnight" and he waved.
i waved, "thank you"
"d'mention it"
he walked back to his car and opened his door.
don't leave.
he sat inside and turned his car around.
don't leave.
he rolled his window down and waved again.
don't leave me.
revved his engine.
please don't leave me.
and he drove off.
and i couldn't stop crying.
i watched his lights and my hand found it's way plastered to the window. there's going to be a mark.
i cried. Seth, i love you...
and i could no longer see him.
his eyes were no longer in sight.
and i sat up.
tears ran dry.
it's been 7 months since i've seen him, since i've seen those blue eyes.
we laughed and talked and smiled and danced and stared and loved and giggled.
i lived tonight, and for a few moments i felt again. i felt pain and want and jealousy and love and happiness for flittering yet amazing moments. we talked for hours. we've kept in touch all these months but we still talked for hours. we capped and recapped and detailed and outlined. i spoke of my new world of studies and sounds and colours. i told him about the time i left my credit card in the dingy little boutique and never saw it again. he smiled at my forgetfulness. i told him about the amazing family owned coffee shop on the corner that sells the most amazing turkish coffee i've ever had. his eyes watched my expressions, memorizing over and over. i loved sharing with him in person, being able to see his reactions to my words, to my reactions; his eyes to mine.
and he told me of his world. his new world of concrete and times square and beautiful women and night clubs and broadway and lights and glamour and studies and love and love and love. and he told me the story of spilling frozen yugort on some well known actress on some new well known tv show and i smiled when his eyes blushed at the memory. and i laughed when he retold of waking up late for his psychology final and taking it shirtless because there was no time to grab something to wear, he brought a coat of course. and he told me of the beautiful girl he met in his English Literature class and how they hit it off amazingly.
she is now his girlfriend.
she is now my rage.
she is now my red.
Sam is now a pile of anger.
"i'm so happy for you"
"i knew you would be"
"..heh...yeah...i"
"i thought it'd be hard you know..."
"..." why was he bringing this up
"but she just makes me so happy" i'm so fucking happy for you
all i could do was smile and play with my runny bowl of soup. stupid creamed soup. i can't eat any soup that isn't transparent. it's a weird quirk of mine. if i can't see what's in it, i can't eat it. retarded tangent.
the night went on like that. we spoke of other things. she was never brought up again. we smiled, i repressed. sometimes he'd look at me and i could swear he was looking. like i've been looking. looking for something. some sign to stop everything and hold me. hold me and tell me it was all a ruse.
"it's always you Sam," is what i wanted him to say as he buried his face into my neck.
but he just put his arm around me, just casually enough as to make sure not to give the wrong impression, as we walked with our cups of coffee. the pavement was wet, but i was wearing boots so it was okay. he smiled and i melted. but i never showed it.
i love how i've learned to hide everything that i've become even to those who know me best. it's amazing really, i've fooled myself sometimes. only when he looks at me do i remember how i truly feel. how i want those eyes to look for me and me alone.
he just dropped me off.
he looked at me when we were in the doorway, that look, and i hated him for it.
"i missed you Sam, i missed you so amazingly"
i didn't say anything, i only looked
he took a deep sigh, "i'm glad for everything"
i kept looking
"let's do something tommorow"
i nodded
"hey Sam.."
i looked
"you okay Sammy?"
for a moment the entire night flew through my mind and i wanted to break down and tell him no. no Seth, no i am not okay. no. no. no. no. the man i love, the only man i've ever been able to feel anything for has found someone else. someone...else...no seth. no.
"of course," i paused and forced a smile, "silly boy"
he smiled, "just making sure"
i hugged him quickly, i didn't want to feel him, smell him, know him. i wanted to be inside my room, safe and away as soon as possible. i needed to be alone so i could stop feeling. i needed to be secure.
"i'll call you tomoro"
"good"
and i closed the door. and i closed my eyes. and i closed my mind.
i was sitting in my bed for 6.7 minutes. my phone rang. it was Seth. stop it.
"go to your window"
"why?" i groaned, he was supposed to be gone. i need a break from all this emotion.
"just do it, or i'll kill you"
he hung up before i could retort. he's not allowed to use my lines.
i slumped to the window and there he was. my phone rang again.
"you hung up on me"
"that's a lie"
"what do you want" i coudlnt help but smile. my heart was beating unhealthily fast.
"listen" he went to his car and turned on his radio. "Build Me Up Buttercup, Baby" by the Foundations was playing and he was amazing.
he stood there in front of his car, lip synching to "build me up buttercup, baby". he sang and danced and it was for me and for me alone. and i watched him, tears streaming down my face.
"why do you build me up"
build me up. to such emotion.
"buttercup baby just to let me down"
let me down. when it hurts so much.
"and mess me around and then worst of all"
worst of all. i can't stop crying.
"you never call baby, when you say you will,"
when you say you will. love me.
"but i love you still"
i love you
"i love you, more than anyone darling"
i stopped listening.
i stopped watching.
i just wanted it to end so that i could stop crying. why did i feel this way? why was this so hard...
he was laughing as he finished, breathless.
"for you baby, smile for me Sammy baby, smile for me"
anything for you
"thank you"
"u smiling?"
no. i'm crying.
"yes"
"good," he yawned, "i'm off love. goodnight" and he waved.
i waved, "thank you"
"d'mention it"
he walked back to his car and opened his door.
don't leave.
he sat inside and turned his car around.
don't leave.
he rolled his window down and waved again.
don't leave me.
revved his engine.
please don't leave me.
and he drove off.
and i couldn't stop crying.
i watched his lights and my hand found it's way plastered to the window. there's going to be a mark.
i cried. Seth, i love you...
and i could no longer see him.
his eyes were no longer in sight.
and i sat up.
tears ran dry.