#18
it still wasn't light outside.
what time is it?
5:27 AM. still not done studying...nowhere near done actually.
how long have i been studying? since 7:oo PM. this is ridiculous.
i moved out of the 3rd floor lounge 15 minutes ago because i was the last remaining, everyone else had given up or let go or come to terms. But i'm so far away from any of those that i just couldn't and still can't. at least she's up to keep me company. both of us typing in our room.
i've realized that i hate chemistry with a passion. it's amazing that i never knew how much a subject could bother and torture my soul till now. i've scratched my legs raw from the sheer anxiety of this course. the stupid molecules and periodic table.
i should stop thinking and starting studying again. what is the point. Friday I get to fly back home and see my family and talar. i miss her so much. i miss her eyes and her smile and i miss being in her embrace. she's smaller than me, but when i'm in her arms i feel so connected with everything around me. i feel so real and so attached and purposeful. she makes it all worth while.
i miss my mom. i miss her advice and her face. i miss laughing at how overly worried she can become over the slightest things. i miss smiling at the enormous effort she puts forth in our escapades. i miss her scent and the way she brushes her hair. it reminds of when i was little and admired her beauty, sitting there, legs dangling from the bed, humming that one day i'd be as pretty as she. there's still years to go till i can ever hope of reaching that. she glows.
i drop my book onto my bed and it flips open to a random page with a post it. it reads "i don't understand :("
how very true.
i don't understand.
why should this matter at all.
i want to be running around laughing. i want to be sleeping in his arms. i want to be singing and chanting. i want to paint the darkness outside. i want to write out all my frustrations and happinesses in the wold so that maybe i can share them with someone. i don't want to be sitting here at this ungodly hour wasting away my life over a subject that will never help me.
chemistry is so important, but i don't care.
chemistry makes the world go 'round, but i don't care
chemistry is why everything is everything, but...i...don't....care.
i care when someone smiles because of me.
i care when someone holds my hand.
i care when i see you laugh.
i live to smile and jump and play.
what a hedonist i am, but who's to say it's a bad thing, as long as your feet are still on the ground. why can't i dream the dream and yet know the reality? where is my fault?
and i, in my stupor of thought, look down again and there it is, that orange tattered book filled with knowldge of people much more intelligent than i can ever hope to be, cowering away in labs testing and mixing and dropping and refilling. and i think, i feel sorry for you. where is the light of your day? in a molecule? i smile when i read a beautifully written passage and you smile when you titrate something perfectly. how different we truly are. don't look at me like you're better than me. sure you can calculate stoichiometry much better than i, but can you tell me why your heart flutters when the moon comes out in a perfect circular glow? or why your eyes glitter when you see someone who has captured your heart? i can.
i can tell you why.
i sat there laying on my bed, getting more and more comfortable, reading and unfocusing on the text. and finally my time came. 7:53 AM, it's time for a nap. i hid my face between the binding of the book.
i can tell you why you're still not happy, titration in hand.
what time is it?
5:27 AM. still not done studying...nowhere near done actually.
how long have i been studying? since 7:oo PM. this is ridiculous.
i moved out of the 3rd floor lounge 15 minutes ago because i was the last remaining, everyone else had given up or let go or come to terms. But i'm so far away from any of those that i just couldn't and still can't. at least she's up to keep me company. both of us typing in our room.
i've realized that i hate chemistry with a passion. it's amazing that i never knew how much a subject could bother and torture my soul till now. i've scratched my legs raw from the sheer anxiety of this course. the stupid molecules and periodic table.
i should stop thinking and starting studying again. what is the point. Friday I get to fly back home and see my family and talar. i miss her so much. i miss her eyes and her smile and i miss being in her embrace. she's smaller than me, but when i'm in her arms i feel so connected with everything around me. i feel so real and so attached and purposeful. she makes it all worth while.
i miss my mom. i miss her advice and her face. i miss laughing at how overly worried she can become over the slightest things. i miss smiling at the enormous effort she puts forth in our escapades. i miss her scent and the way she brushes her hair. it reminds of when i was little and admired her beauty, sitting there, legs dangling from the bed, humming that one day i'd be as pretty as she. there's still years to go till i can ever hope of reaching that. she glows.
i drop my book onto my bed and it flips open to a random page with a post it. it reads "i don't understand :("
how very true.
i don't understand.
why should this matter at all.
i want to be running around laughing. i want to be sleeping in his arms. i want to be singing and chanting. i want to paint the darkness outside. i want to write out all my frustrations and happinesses in the wold so that maybe i can share them with someone. i don't want to be sitting here at this ungodly hour wasting away my life over a subject that will never help me.
chemistry is so important, but i don't care.
chemistry makes the world go 'round, but i don't care
chemistry is why everything is everything, but...i...don't....care.
i care when someone smiles because of me.
i care when someone holds my hand.
i care when i see you laugh.
i live to smile and jump and play.
what a hedonist i am, but who's to say it's a bad thing, as long as your feet are still on the ground. why can't i dream the dream and yet know the reality? where is my fault?
and i, in my stupor of thought, look down again and there it is, that orange tattered book filled with knowldge of people much more intelligent than i can ever hope to be, cowering away in labs testing and mixing and dropping and refilling. and i think, i feel sorry for you. where is the light of your day? in a molecule? i smile when i read a beautifully written passage and you smile when you titrate something perfectly. how different we truly are. don't look at me like you're better than me. sure you can calculate stoichiometry much better than i, but can you tell me why your heart flutters when the moon comes out in a perfect circular glow? or why your eyes glitter when you see someone who has captured your heart? i can.
i can tell you why.
i sat there laying on my bed, getting more and more comfortable, reading and unfocusing on the text. and finally my time came. 7:53 AM, it's time for a nap. i hid my face between the binding of the book.
i can tell you why you're still not happy, titration in hand.