I Need...

[thebritishguy]

I wonder if it's possible to find someone to listen to everything you have to say without caring enough to be hurt by your actions but care enough to show compassion and empathy towards the words that you speak. I love all of my friends dearly. But there are things I want to talk about that they won't like to hear. I also believe they won't understand. I have something weighing heavily upon me and everyone that I'd normally turn to for help or at the very least their ear, I'm finding I can't talk to. Everyone who's ever cared about me has made it abundantly clear that I can talk to any of them about anything at any time. But I can't. I'm starting to clam up again. I finding it harder and harder to talk to the people I trust. So much so that I have been hoping to make new friends. I have no desire to leave my old friends, nor do I wish them to be offended by my search for other friends. But I need a third party perspective. I need intelligent compassionate people, that have no deep seeded connection to me. So that I can talk without worry that my actions will affect them. I need to know that they can remain unbias and not let their feelings cloud their judgment or affect what they say to me. My heart hurts on a daily basis. I'm weighed down and finding it harder and harder to keep up the facade that I'm ok. I don't enjoy lying. But being honest isn't any easier. I'd like to think that everyone appreciates my honesty and that it is considered to be one of my finest qualities. I'm not honest because it's easy, I do it because it's right. However, fear, creates a paradox. It is because of fear that I am an honest man, and a liar. Yes I am honest because it's right, but I'd be lying if I said fear didn't have a hand in it as well. See being honest almost always makes it very hard to discern a lie from the truth. Because know one knows if you're lying if they've never caught you in a lie. As long as you say it the same way you tell the truth no one ever questions you. And never being suspected of lying makes it easier still...

Maybe he's right. I may need some fresh scenery. I might need to get away from this place in order to fully heal. But it rips at my heart strings to think of a life without the people I love. So I guess that's the real problem I'm facing. Do I leave and get better but at the cost of not seeing my loved ones for an indefinite amount of time...or...Do I stay with my loved ones until I get so bad that I am beyond help and healing?

...Help