Fic: Don't Speak
Title: Don't Speak
Author: missy7280
Pairing: Chris Young/Justin Upton
Team: Arizona Diamondbacks
Rating: R
Word Count: 1,406
Summary: Sometimes you don't need words to make a connection.
Disclaimer: NOT TRUE and never happened.
Author's Note: Title of course comes from this lovely song by No Doubt. I wrote this at 2 in the morning and it's not beta'd, so let me know of any mistakes... And my muse would not leave me alone until I wrote this pairing, so yay for boldly going where nobody has dared to go before.
It was the wrongness of the situation that had them both coming back for more, every time. They never did anything when they were at home, it was always on the road, always in a nondescript hotel room that they shared together. There were no words exchanged, just teeth and tongues crashing together. Dark hands moved along the other’s even darker skin, leaving impressions that were not only physical, but mental. Making sure that Justin would remember this encounter for a long, long time.
And he did, always. After every catch he made out in right field, he’d glance Chris’s way as if to say I did it. It wasn’t showmanship, it wasn’t like with his brother where they were in a constant competition. This was just simple pride; Justin showing Chris that anything the center fielder did he could do too, or at least he could try.
Chris would look back at him and nod, the smallest of gestures which nobody else on the field seemed to notice, but it made Justin’s stomach clench and he felt a heavier weight on his knees, if only for a fleeting moment. Then he was back up, eyes re-focused on the play in front of him. He knew Chris was always there, could see him out of the corner of his eye, but he wouldn’t let his play suffer simply because his partner was standing not fifty feet away from him.
Is that what they were - partners? Justin couldn’t be sure. He didn’t know what else to call him “Friend” just didn’t seem important enough. They were more than friends - much more, even - but less than lovers. Justin wanted more, oh yes. Even if he could barely admit it to himself, he felt that sense of longing. But Chris never let it go past a certain point. They’d be practically nude and fooling around - hands grasping at exposed skin and exploring each other’s bodies. And Justin knew, he knew that Chris was enjoying it. The moans that escaped his lips did not lie. He was enjoying himself just as much as Justin was, but then he always ran away afterwards.
Justin wanted him to stay. He wanted to feel his teammate’s arms wrapped around him and hear his voice telling him that everything would be okay - that he would be okay. Despite the strikeouts and the lack of hustle and the misplays on defense, he wanted to know that he belonged here in the majors. That his team appreciated him. And only those words coming from Chris’s mouth would make him believe it.
But he doesn’t get that, because Chris doesn’t talk to him. At least he doesn’t talk to him in any way that matters. Sure they talk, but it’s just shallow, words on the surface that never really describe how either of them are feeling inside. Then again, he isn’t sure if that’s just Chris or if it’s a guy thing. He knows how guys are supposed to act around each other. Knows all about this silent man-code that dictates their behavior. But for once, just once, Justin doesn’t want to be the rule-following, religiously devoted, African-American ballplayer. He just wants to be Justin.
And maybe that’s the real reason he keeps coming back to Chris - because he only really feels like himself when he’s with him. The best part about being with Chris is that Chris never judges him, never makes him feel inferior or disgusting or fucked up. Probably because Chris spends all of their time together pitying himself instead, acting like he is the true victim in all of this, like his lust is this tangible thing that can’t be ignored and is slowly dragging him down into hell.
But if this will truly lead to hell, if this is so wrong, then Justin doesn’t want to be right. Doesn’t ever want to be right. Because, if he was honest with himself, it was the forbidden nature of the act that made it so tempting, so arousing. To be black in this society was one thing - to be gay was quite another. To be both was astronomically frowned upon, especially for someone in the limelight such as himself.
Even though he wasn’t gay, the fact that he’d simply kissed another man would make the others automatically categorize him as such. That is if they knew what occurred between Justin and Chris behind closed doors, which they didn’t. Justin wasn’t ashamed, he really wasn’t. He was young and successful and he was allowed to experiment, and if somebody else had a problem with him then they could kiss his ass. Figuratively, of course.
But no, what kept him quiet about everything was Chris, the pleading look he would get in his eyes whenever Justin even joked about outing them both. It pissed him off that Chris could be embarrassed about him, about what they did together. He wouldn’t tell, though, because he wanted to keep Chris around for as long as he could. Justin knew that it couldn’t last forever, that Chris would eventually become so scared that he’d refuse to even room with him anymore.
Justin knew this, and he accepted it, because there wasn’t anything else he could do about it. For now, he would try to play his cards right. He’d continue to be the doting friend and almost-lover who kept all of Chris’s secrets while fulfilling his deepest, darkest fantasies.
---
He fantasized about Chris saying I love you, and meaning it. The closest thing he got was that last night on the road before they came home, during their horrible losing streak, when Chris finally talked to him. Justin was quiet for once and listened, not wanting to miss a single word.
“I can’t do it. I can’t do this anymore.”
Justin held his breath, his heart beating so fast it felt like it would surely break out of his chest at any moment. This was going to be it. The moment he knew was coming. The moment he was dreading since the first night this thing with Chris had started.
“Losing. I am so tired of losing. I feel sick. I wonder if they’ll bench me, if they realize I’m becoming physically ill.”
Justin let out the breath he’d been holding. So Chris was not breaking things off with him - at least not that night. And as much as Justin hated losing, even their winless road-trip could not hurt him half as much as the idea of never being with Chris again. Not being allowed to touch Chris ever again. That thought was unbearable. God damn it, damn everything, Justin was becoming attached. Hell - he was already so far gone he wasn’t sure if he could ever recover.
“Something has to change,” he continued. Justin nodded, not sure what to say, not sure if he could say anything. His tongue felt like lead in his mouth. He was usually so good at talking, always knew the perfect thing to say. But with Chris, when they were truly together and not just friends on a baseball field, the words simply would not form.
“Shit, I don’t know what I’d do without you,” Chris was suddenly saying, and the abrupt change of topic left Justin confused, his brain taking longer than usual to comprehend what his ears had just heard. “You’re the only one who gets it, you know? I can’t talk to any of the other guys like this.”
Justin nodded, because he did get it. He completely understood. And he felt exactly the same way.
Then Chris was kissing him, so like before and yet so different. More intense than anything they had shared previously. Chris was gripping Justin’s shoulders, bringing him in closer until the space between them was non-existent. Chris was breathing into his mouth and Justin inhaled - wanting to remember the taste for as long as he could. Couldn’t get enough. Could never get enough.
Suddenly words weren’t so important, because Justin knew they had this. And even if it wouldn’t last, it was better than having nothing. Without words, Justin could let him know exactly how he felt. No matter how much it hurt to be losing on a daily basis, how much it really hurt to have this affair in secret, he still had Chris. And for the time being, that was enough.
Author: missy7280
Pairing: Chris Young/Justin Upton
Team: Arizona Diamondbacks
Rating: R
Word Count: 1,406
Summary: Sometimes you don't need words to make a connection.
Disclaimer: NOT TRUE and never happened.
Author's Note: Title of course comes from this lovely song by No Doubt. I wrote this at 2 in the morning and it's not beta'd, so let me know of any mistakes... And my muse would not leave me alone until I wrote this pairing, so yay for boldly going where nobody has dared to go before.
It was the wrongness of the situation that had them both coming back for more, every time. They never did anything when they were at home, it was always on the road, always in a nondescript hotel room that they shared together. There were no words exchanged, just teeth and tongues crashing together. Dark hands moved along the other’s even darker skin, leaving impressions that were not only physical, but mental. Making sure that Justin would remember this encounter for a long, long time.
And he did, always. After every catch he made out in right field, he’d glance Chris’s way as if to say I did it. It wasn’t showmanship, it wasn’t like with his brother where they were in a constant competition. This was just simple pride; Justin showing Chris that anything the center fielder did he could do too, or at least he could try.
Chris would look back at him and nod, the smallest of gestures which nobody else on the field seemed to notice, but it made Justin’s stomach clench and he felt a heavier weight on his knees, if only for a fleeting moment. Then he was back up, eyes re-focused on the play in front of him. He knew Chris was always there, could see him out of the corner of his eye, but he wouldn’t let his play suffer simply because his partner was standing not fifty feet away from him.
Is that what they were - partners? Justin couldn’t be sure. He didn’t know what else to call him “Friend” just didn’t seem important enough. They were more than friends - much more, even - but less than lovers. Justin wanted more, oh yes. Even if he could barely admit it to himself, he felt that sense of longing. But Chris never let it go past a certain point. They’d be practically nude and fooling around - hands grasping at exposed skin and exploring each other’s bodies. And Justin knew, he knew that Chris was enjoying it. The moans that escaped his lips did not lie. He was enjoying himself just as much as Justin was, but then he always ran away afterwards.
Justin wanted him to stay. He wanted to feel his teammate’s arms wrapped around him and hear his voice telling him that everything would be okay - that he would be okay. Despite the strikeouts and the lack of hustle and the misplays on defense, he wanted to know that he belonged here in the majors. That his team appreciated him. And only those words coming from Chris’s mouth would make him believe it.
But he doesn’t get that, because Chris doesn’t talk to him. At least he doesn’t talk to him in any way that matters. Sure they talk, but it’s just shallow, words on the surface that never really describe how either of them are feeling inside. Then again, he isn’t sure if that’s just Chris or if it’s a guy thing. He knows how guys are supposed to act around each other. Knows all about this silent man-code that dictates their behavior. But for once, just once, Justin doesn’t want to be the rule-following, religiously devoted, African-American ballplayer. He just wants to be Justin.
And maybe that’s the real reason he keeps coming back to Chris - because he only really feels like himself when he’s with him. The best part about being with Chris is that Chris never judges him, never makes him feel inferior or disgusting or fucked up. Probably because Chris spends all of their time together pitying himself instead, acting like he is the true victim in all of this, like his lust is this tangible thing that can’t be ignored and is slowly dragging him down into hell.
But if this will truly lead to hell, if this is so wrong, then Justin doesn’t want to be right. Doesn’t ever want to be right. Because, if he was honest with himself, it was the forbidden nature of the act that made it so tempting, so arousing. To be black in this society was one thing - to be gay was quite another. To be both was astronomically frowned upon, especially for someone in the limelight such as himself.
Even though he wasn’t gay, the fact that he’d simply kissed another man would make the others automatically categorize him as such. That is if they knew what occurred between Justin and Chris behind closed doors, which they didn’t. Justin wasn’t ashamed, he really wasn’t. He was young and successful and he was allowed to experiment, and if somebody else had a problem with him then they could kiss his ass. Figuratively, of course.
But no, what kept him quiet about everything was Chris, the pleading look he would get in his eyes whenever Justin even joked about outing them both. It pissed him off that Chris could be embarrassed about him, about what they did together. He wouldn’t tell, though, because he wanted to keep Chris around for as long as he could. Justin knew that it couldn’t last forever, that Chris would eventually become so scared that he’d refuse to even room with him anymore.
Justin knew this, and he accepted it, because there wasn’t anything else he could do about it. For now, he would try to play his cards right. He’d continue to be the doting friend and almost-lover who kept all of Chris’s secrets while fulfilling his deepest, darkest fantasies.
---
He fantasized about Chris saying I love you, and meaning it. The closest thing he got was that last night on the road before they came home, during their horrible losing streak, when Chris finally talked to him. Justin was quiet for once and listened, not wanting to miss a single word.
“I can’t do it. I can’t do this anymore.”
Justin held his breath, his heart beating so fast it felt like it would surely break out of his chest at any moment. This was going to be it. The moment he knew was coming. The moment he was dreading since the first night this thing with Chris had started.
“Losing. I am so tired of losing. I feel sick. I wonder if they’ll bench me, if they realize I’m becoming physically ill.”
Justin let out the breath he’d been holding. So Chris was not breaking things off with him - at least not that night. And as much as Justin hated losing, even their winless road-trip could not hurt him half as much as the idea of never being with Chris again. Not being allowed to touch Chris ever again. That thought was unbearable. God damn it, damn everything, Justin was becoming attached. Hell - he was already so far gone he wasn’t sure if he could ever recover.
“Something has to change,” he continued. Justin nodded, not sure what to say, not sure if he could say anything. His tongue felt like lead in his mouth. He was usually so good at talking, always knew the perfect thing to say. But with Chris, when they were truly together and not just friends on a baseball field, the words simply would not form.
“Shit, I don’t know what I’d do without you,” Chris was suddenly saying, and the abrupt change of topic left Justin confused, his brain taking longer than usual to comprehend what his ears had just heard. “You’re the only one who gets it, you know? I can’t talk to any of the other guys like this.”
Justin nodded, because he did get it. He completely understood. And he felt exactly the same way.
Then Chris was kissing him, so like before and yet so different. More intense than anything they had shared previously. Chris was gripping Justin’s shoulders, bringing him in closer until the space between them was non-existent. Chris was breathing into his mouth and Justin inhaled - wanting to remember the taste for as long as he could. Couldn’t get enough. Could never get enough.
Suddenly words weren’t so important, because Justin knew they had this. And even if it wouldn’t last, it was better than having nothing. Without words, Justin could let him know exactly how he felt. No matter how much it hurt to be losing on a daily basis, how much it really hurt to have this affair in secret, he still had Chris. And for the time being, that was enough.