(no subject)
Sorry I haven't been updating. (Not another one of these entries!) I just... have a hard time finding the motivation to write anything about myself. It makes me feel all too pathetic when I draw a blank every time and realize how utterly dull and meaningless my life is right now. The real journal I started has been equally neglected, so please don't feel too shunted, LiveJournal.
I've really lost my self of self. I mean... I've done a lot of things lately I should feel proud of. I spent a few days completely vacuuming and reorganizing my room, and it looks more pristine than ever. I've written fanfiction, I've made graphics, I've drawn much more than usual and occasionally impressed myself with my current skill level... I've composed some music, and I read and educate myself a ridiculous amount. But as much as I enjoyed doing those things and feel a superficial sense of accomplishment over them... at it's core, isn't it hollow? If it's not done with the passion that says, "This is the reason I'm alive!"... isn't it empty? I don't have that passion right now, and I have before about my writing, about people I loved... and now I feel like I just dried up. Like a shriveled old lady with no more life left to give, and I'm just eighteen. I'm a kid with my whole future stretching out before me... but rather than giving me hope, my future is swallowing me up. It scares me so much.
But what disturbs me most is that I don't want common human things like to be loved or beautiful or worthwhile more than anything anymore. What I want more than anything is to be utterly alone in a dark, empty place where no one, no living thing can reach me... and then I want to scream. I want to scream so hard that I puke up my insides, and I don't want anyone to hear me. I want to feel the tangible presence of everything ugly inside me crawling up my throat and spilling out, and I don't want anyone to experience but me. And when I had purged my body of all that pain, maybe I'd feel free or maybe I'd die, or maybe those two would be the same thing. My desire for this scenario... is somewhat overwhelming, because I don't even understand where it came from. It just took me over one day and won't let go. I want it so bad. I don't believe in an afterlife, but please, God, if you exist... let me go to a dark and empty place and scream when I die. Let me scream as much as I want. I'd feel more fulfilled than if I were in heaven and more punished than if I were in hell, so surely you could give me that one thing.
Why am I writing this crazy entry? Because it's early morning, and I'm pissed! I woke up after a mere three hours of sleep, when I'm already dead tired from waking up repeatedly during the few hours of sleep I got last night... and then a nightmare startled me awake in the end. I think I might have woken up from a nightmare today too, but I can't remember my dream. Ugh... seriously, I've never had insomnia this bad! Usually I just have the problem of not being able to initially fall asleep, but now I sleep restlessly and wake up early too. I suppose it's proof that my mind is in a state of distress, although outwardly I seem peaceful and content.
The thing that keeps my stamina up through all of this hell is my current obsession: Death Note! It's been my obsession for three months or so now, and I've been consumed by the fandom to an unusual degree. Seriously -- I spend almost all of my time reading Death Note fanfiction and doujinshi and theories, playing doujin games, drawing fanart and writing fanfiction... I mean, I've even been blowing off normal manga, books, and video games to indulge in my fandom obsession. That's never happened before. Part of it is that Death Note is a series very suited to me - perhaps my ultimate match? - and I love it dearly, but I'm sure part of it is also that I'm trying to forget about my bad feelings by throwing myself wholeheartedly into an obsession. I think I've always been one to do that. But hey, at least it's a fun way to go about forgetting! Much better than drowning my sorrows in drugs and alcohol or otherwise hurting myself.
Well, look at that. I wrote a lot... probably too much. I guess I held back my words for so long that they all came pouring out at once, and in the form of utter nonsense. Sorry. But I hope someone listens and gains something from this entry, even if it's only my own heart. My final advice to myself is to live on, because life is full of hope and happiness, and my dark feelings don't have to overwhelm me if I recognize them for what they are. Purging my darkness by screaming is only a fantasy, because in reality, it's impossible to be pure. I have to coexist with my terror and pain and loneliness... but feeling those things doesn't keep me from laughing and smiling everyday. Even on my most miserable days, the days where I think I'd rather be dead, I still smile sometimes, don't I? The human spirit is amazing, and so I know I have the strength to keep going and find my passion again... or maybe I never lost my passion in the first place. After writing this entry, I find myself thinking, "I want to write even more! I want to write forever!!" I'm going to dive back into the world of my Death Note fanfic and see where it takes me, because surely it will be somewhere beautiful.
I've really lost my self of self. I mean... I've done a lot of things lately I should feel proud of. I spent a few days completely vacuuming and reorganizing my room, and it looks more pristine than ever. I've written fanfiction, I've made graphics, I've drawn much more than usual and occasionally impressed myself with my current skill level... I've composed some music, and I read and educate myself a ridiculous amount. But as much as I enjoyed doing those things and feel a superficial sense of accomplishment over them... at it's core, isn't it hollow? If it's not done with the passion that says, "This is the reason I'm alive!"... isn't it empty? I don't have that passion right now, and I have before about my writing, about people I loved... and now I feel like I just dried up. Like a shriveled old lady with no more life left to give, and I'm just eighteen. I'm a kid with my whole future stretching out before me... but rather than giving me hope, my future is swallowing me up. It scares me so much.
But what disturbs me most is that I don't want common human things like to be loved or beautiful or worthwhile more than anything anymore. What I want more than anything is to be utterly alone in a dark, empty place where no one, no living thing can reach me... and then I want to scream. I want to scream so hard that I puke up my insides, and I don't want anyone to hear me. I want to feel the tangible presence of everything ugly inside me crawling up my throat and spilling out, and I don't want anyone to experience but me. And when I had purged my body of all that pain, maybe I'd feel free or maybe I'd die, or maybe those two would be the same thing. My desire for this scenario... is somewhat overwhelming, because I don't even understand where it came from. It just took me over one day and won't let go. I want it so bad. I don't believe in an afterlife, but please, God, if you exist... let me go to a dark and empty place and scream when I die. Let me scream as much as I want. I'd feel more fulfilled than if I were in heaven and more punished than if I were in hell, so surely you could give me that one thing.
Why am I writing this crazy entry? Because it's early morning, and I'm pissed! I woke up after a mere three hours of sleep, when I'm already dead tired from waking up repeatedly during the few hours of sleep I got last night... and then a nightmare startled me awake in the end. I think I might have woken up from a nightmare today too, but I can't remember my dream. Ugh... seriously, I've never had insomnia this bad! Usually I just have the problem of not being able to initially fall asleep, but now I sleep restlessly and wake up early too. I suppose it's proof that my mind is in a state of distress, although outwardly I seem peaceful and content.
The thing that keeps my stamina up through all of this hell is my current obsession: Death Note! It's been my obsession for three months or so now, and I've been consumed by the fandom to an unusual degree. Seriously -- I spend almost all of my time reading Death Note fanfiction and doujinshi and theories, playing doujin games, drawing fanart and writing fanfiction... I mean, I've even been blowing off normal manga, books, and video games to indulge in my fandom obsession. That's never happened before. Part of it is that Death Note is a series very suited to me - perhaps my ultimate match? - and I love it dearly, but I'm sure part of it is also that I'm trying to forget about my bad feelings by throwing myself wholeheartedly into an obsession. I think I've always been one to do that. But hey, at least it's a fun way to go about forgetting! Much better than drowning my sorrows in drugs and alcohol or otherwise hurting myself.
Well, look at that. I wrote a lot... probably too much. I guess I held back my words for so long that they all came pouring out at once, and in the form of utter nonsense. Sorry. But I hope someone listens and gains something from this entry, even if it's only my own heart. My final advice to myself is to live on, because life is full of hope and happiness, and my dark feelings don't have to overwhelm me if I recognize them for what they are. Purging my darkness by screaming is only a fantasy, because in reality, it's impossible to be pure. I have to coexist with my terror and pain and loneliness... but feeling those things doesn't keep me from laughing and smiling everyday. Even on my most miserable days, the days where I think I'd rather be dead, I still smile sometimes, don't I? The human spirit is amazing, and so I know I have the strength to keep going and find my passion again... or maybe I never lost my passion in the first place. After writing this entry, I find myself thinking, "I want to write even more! I want to write forever!!" I'm going to dive back into the world of my Death Note fanfic and see where it takes me, because surely it will be somewhere beautiful.