(no subject)
Just one of those days, when you don't wanna wake up - everything is fucked, everybody sucks. Don't really know why, but you wanna justify, ripping someone's face off. No human contact, and if you interact, your life is on contract - best bet is to stay away, motherfucker, it's just one of those days.
God, I never thought I'd be able to relate to a limp bizkit song.
It's like this. I really do care about the girl I'm with. I want nothing but the best for her - I want nothing but for her to remain unhurt and happy. But she's got these parents, you see... the insane mother who I'm not sure is safe while not locked up, and the laid back yet passive aggressive father. The dad, I can deal with. I play his game all too well. But the mother? She scares me. Like, life-threatening scared.
And it wouldn't bother me that these parents are the way they are, except that they always wind up fighting with the girl I'm with. And usually, somehow, whatever they're fighting over involves me. Or gets blamed on me. Or otherwise is somehow twisted and sent in my direction. I'm a "Lazy mother fucker," I'm "Using her," and I'm "Not a gentleman." None of these bothers me except that middle one.
The problem is that, and very few can attest to this being true save my closest of friends, I'm practically fucking autistic outside of gaming. It startles people to learn of this, and many refuse to accept it. But after five years running over the diagnosi, the medications, hospitalization and group homing, I know that I'm not right in the head somehow. I just don't know exactly what's wrong.
But they'd never accept that. She knows, but her parents are clueless. I just look like I'm a lazy motherfucker who's using her in their eyes. They don't have all the facts, and I can't blame them for jumping to this conclusion. Hell, my -parents- jumped to this conclusion before we went for family counciling.
I just don't know how much more of this I can take. I'm weathering the storm for her sake - how fucking much would it hurt to lose someone you really care about because they can't take your parents? - but there's only so much storm that any tree can handle. No matter how big and thick and strong the tree, it will eventually break.
I'm getting close to breaking. I'm going to wind up in the mental hospital soon. I know I am. The thoughts, the feelings, they've all returned... just like they did last time I was hospitalized. This time, I can see it coming. This time, I'm aware of what's going on in my head, and this time... I don't know.
I've always seen myself as a beast. A juggernaught, emotionally. I can take shit. I can dish shit. I'm a physical wuss, but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, I'm an unstoppable machine. It's me versus life, and I'm one hell of a formidable opponent. And the more life tries to do me in, the more I get backed into a corner. And we all know what happens when you back a beast into a corner.
They become raging death machines.
It's nobody that I'm after. I'm not going to hurt myself or anyone else, but this is a war. Me against life, and I'm no ordinary loser. If I'm going down, I'm ripping Life's throat out as I go down. Fuck a bunch of panzi assed failure. I did that before. Barely survived. And now I'm back with a fucking vengance.
Though it's been said that the true victor selects his battles wisely. I'm not sure if I want to fight this battle in particular. I'd rather conquer and destroy elsewhere. Where my life isn't in danger. Ya know?
I don't know. It seems that I'm just something to use against her when she and her parents get into a fight. And any time I do something wrong, BAM, they're crawling all over me like flies on shit about it. I'm getting sick and tired of imbiciles thinking they know it all, pointing fingers at me. I grow weary of worthless fucks deciding that there isn't more to this than meets the eye and shitting on me for things they don't understand and that I can't help.
God, I never thought I'd be able to relate to a limp bizkit song.
It's like this. I really do care about the girl I'm with. I want nothing but the best for her - I want nothing but for her to remain unhurt and happy. But she's got these parents, you see... the insane mother who I'm not sure is safe while not locked up, and the laid back yet passive aggressive father. The dad, I can deal with. I play his game all too well. But the mother? She scares me. Like, life-threatening scared.
And it wouldn't bother me that these parents are the way they are, except that they always wind up fighting with the girl I'm with. And usually, somehow, whatever they're fighting over involves me. Or gets blamed on me. Or otherwise is somehow twisted and sent in my direction. I'm a "Lazy mother fucker," I'm "Using her," and I'm "Not a gentleman." None of these bothers me except that middle one.
The problem is that, and very few can attest to this being true save my closest of friends, I'm practically fucking autistic outside of gaming. It startles people to learn of this, and many refuse to accept it. But after five years running over the diagnosi, the medications, hospitalization and group homing, I know that I'm not right in the head somehow. I just don't know exactly what's wrong.
But they'd never accept that. She knows, but her parents are clueless. I just look like I'm a lazy motherfucker who's using her in their eyes. They don't have all the facts, and I can't blame them for jumping to this conclusion. Hell, my -parents- jumped to this conclusion before we went for family counciling.
I just don't know how much more of this I can take. I'm weathering the storm for her sake - how fucking much would it hurt to lose someone you really care about because they can't take your parents? - but there's only so much storm that any tree can handle. No matter how big and thick and strong the tree, it will eventually break.
I'm getting close to breaking. I'm going to wind up in the mental hospital soon. I know I am. The thoughts, the feelings, they've all returned... just like they did last time I was hospitalized. This time, I can see it coming. This time, I'm aware of what's going on in my head, and this time... I don't know.
I've always seen myself as a beast. A juggernaught, emotionally. I can take shit. I can dish shit. I'm a physical wuss, but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, I'm an unstoppable machine. It's me versus life, and I'm one hell of a formidable opponent. And the more life tries to do me in, the more I get backed into a corner. And we all know what happens when you back a beast into a corner.
They become raging death machines.
It's nobody that I'm after. I'm not going to hurt myself or anyone else, but this is a war. Me against life, and I'm no ordinary loser. If I'm going down, I'm ripping Life's throat out as I go down. Fuck a bunch of panzi assed failure. I did that before. Barely survived. And now I'm back with a fucking vengance.
Though it's been said that the true victor selects his battles wisely. I'm not sure if I want to fight this battle in particular. I'd rather conquer and destroy elsewhere. Where my life isn't in danger. Ya know?
I don't know. It seems that I'm just something to use against her when she and her parents get into a fight. And any time I do something wrong, BAM, they're crawling all over me like flies on shit about it. I'm getting sick and tired of imbiciles thinking they know it all, pointing fingers at me. I grow weary of worthless fucks deciding that there isn't more to this than meets the eye and shitting on me for things they don't understand and that I can't help.