Depression is a bitch
I have never been afraid to admit that I suffer from depression. Quiet the contrary I know that talking about it can often times lead to moments of clarity which will inevitably lead to healing and mental wellness. But sometimes I find talking to be hard and sometimes downright pointless. I know so many people who suffer from problems, depression, finances, alcoholism, stress in general, and I feel like I have no right to even mention that I am having a rotten day that every day I've had all month has been rotten. Other times I know if I even open my mouth my pleas for help will only be met with hostility or, worse, they will fall on deaf ears. Nothing is worse than tuning to a friend for help and being ignored. Therapy is the ideal option, but not one that is available to me because of my terrible medical insurance.
I've been in therapy before and from what I was told the depression I suffer from is situational and gets worse in times of inactivity. So basically, if I'm left to my own devices for to long and I'm having a crappy couple of days I am going to be very sad. And sure, we all get sad from time to time. But depression is different. It's not a sad that is fixed with food, or shopping, or seeing an old friend or even doing a favorite activity. It's a sad that tells you no one likes you, that people only want to use you and if you died no one would give a shit. It tells you how worthless you are and how pathetic your dreams and aspirations are. It talks you out of doing things or being around others out of fear of embarrassment. It makes you petty, mean, jealous and hateful. But most of all, it crushes the life out of you. You become hell bent on a schedule and any disruption to that schedule will not send you entire world into a emotional spiral of doom, but obliterate any tiny steps you took towards healing.
I've dealt with my issues fairly well on and off for the past several years primarily by avoiding situations that will cause the initial stresser and if I find myself in a situation like that I try my hardest to avoid inactivity. I will fill my days with meaningless activities just to avoid slipping into that deep dark hole. Lately my strategy hasn't been working. I find myself in to many situations of stress and sadness to avoid and it is becoming harder and hard to find things to fill the time with. I feel like I am always alone and when I am not alone I am around individuals who feed my sadness with their own. Over the past several weeks that hateful, petty person has taken over my mind and all I can think are negative awful thoughts about almost anyone I meet. I try and tell myself this isn't me! I don't think like this! I wouldn't wish any of these people ill....yet I hate them. I want nothing to do with them! I wish they would all just go away! None of them care about me, maybe I should just leave and never look back....then the saddness speaks up....but what difference would that make? You'd be even more alone and they wouldn't care. Can you really face the truth of no one missing you?
And so I curl up into my tiny ball grasping desperately at anything that resembles hope. I look to people I trust most for guidance and support. Lately I feel even more alone than ever before. So I turn to physical activity to provide some form of external release. The endorphin's released during my work outs give me temporary release from the crushing waves of saddness, but they never last long enough. Sleep use to be a wonderful medicine, but even that eludes me. The healthy appetite I use to have is lost and all I do is eat to fill the emptiness, I can hardly say that I enjoy it.
I wish I knew how to get out of this hole, maybe a new job? a new social life? a new place to live? I don't know. But something has to change because it's getting so hard to go on like this.
Oh....and I swear to god if I heard someone say "Well you're only like this because you want to be, you can make the change" I'm going to fucking punch them in the face.
I've been in therapy before and from what I was told the depression I suffer from is situational and gets worse in times of inactivity. So basically, if I'm left to my own devices for to long and I'm having a crappy couple of days I am going to be very sad. And sure, we all get sad from time to time. But depression is different. It's not a sad that is fixed with food, or shopping, or seeing an old friend or even doing a favorite activity. It's a sad that tells you no one likes you, that people only want to use you and if you died no one would give a shit. It tells you how worthless you are and how pathetic your dreams and aspirations are. It talks you out of doing things or being around others out of fear of embarrassment. It makes you petty, mean, jealous and hateful. But most of all, it crushes the life out of you. You become hell bent on a schedule and any disruption to that schedule will not send you entire world into a emotional spiral of doom, but obliterate any tiny steps you took towards healing.
I've dealt with my issues fairly well on and off for the past several years primarily by avoiding situations that will cause the initial stresser and if I find myself in a situation like that I try my hardest to avoid inactivity. I will fill my days with meaningless activities just to avoid slipping into that deep dark hole. Lately my strategy hasn't been working. I find myself in to many situations of stress and sadness to avoid and it is becoming harder and hard to find things to fill the time with. I feel like I am always alone and when I am not alone I am around individuals who feed my sadness with their own. Over the past several weeks that hateful, petty person has taken over my mind and all I can think are negative awful thoughts about almost anyone I meet. I try and tell myself this isn't me! I don't think like this! I wouldn't wish any of these people ill....yet I hate them. I want nothing to do with them! I wish they would all just go away! None of them care about me, maybe I should just leave and never look back....then the saddness speaks up....but what difference would that make? You'd be even more alone and they wouldn't care. Can you really face the truth of no one missing you?
And so I curl up into my tiny ball grasping desperately at anything that resembles hope. I look to people I trust most for guidance and support. Lately I feel even more alone than ever before. So I turn to physical activity to provide some form of external release. The endorphin's released during my work outs give me temporary release from the crushing waves of saddness, but they never last long enough. Sleep use to be a wonderful medicine, but even that eludes me. The healthy appetite I use to have is lost and all I do is eat to fill the emptiness, I can hardly say that I enjoy it.
I wish I knew how to get out of this hole, maybe a new job? a new social life? a new place to live? I don't know. But something has to change because it's getting so hard to go on like this.
Oh....and I swear to god if I heard someone say "Well you're only like this because you want to be, you can make the change" I'm going to fucking punch them in the face.