Jennifer Craw and the Phoenix Wand Chapter 1, Part 3
Here is the final part of Chapter 1. Witness the excitement of the sue's meeting with Dumbledore!
Warnings: The usual, some sexual humor, language, a mary sue
Disclaimer: anything i reference isn't mine
"Welcome," smiled the Headmaster, offering Jennifer a seat.
Snape: Apparently Dumbledore can interpretive dance as well.
Dumbledore: I’ve always wanted to learn, but, alas, I’ve never gotten around to it. Minerva and I did take salsa dancing classes one summer though.
Snape: *smirks at McGonagall* Salsa dancing?
McGonagall: Shut up, Severus.
Snape: *sneers* No, I think I won’t. *turns to Dumbledore* Say, Albus, how adept was Minerva at salsa dancing?
Dumbledore: Not very.
McGonagall: And I suppose you’re an excellent dancer, Severus.
Snape: I’ve never attempted to salsa, nor do I wish to do so. However, I am very adept at the tango and the foxtrot.
McGonagall: You’re lying.
Snape: I’m not. My mother taught me as a boy. Unwilling as I was, I did manage to learn. I am a fast learner, you know.
McGonagall: You’re also a smug, arrogant git.
Snape: You flatter me.
"As I'm sure you've guessed, I'm
Dumbledore: - Winston Churchill.
Albus Dumbledore. I am happy to have you on my staff, Jennifer."
McGonagall: He’s lying.
Snape: I would think not, considering he felt Lockhart was qualified. Dumbledore doesn’t have the most stellar hiring record.
McGonagall: As evident in the fact that he hired you.
Snape: Please stop, your shining praise is embarrassing.
"Thank you, sir," she stammered slightly. Perhaps he was not so awesome in appearance… an elderly wizard with long silver hair and beard, golden robes and twinkling, sincere blue eyes…
Dumbledore: I am awesome in appearance.
Snape: It is interesting to see what new, heinous color your robes will be any given day, at least.
but at that moment she was struck
Dumbledore: -by a smooth criminal.
with the fact that she was facing one of the most powerful wizards in the world.
McGonagall: You are so his appearance is not pertinent you insipid little bint.
She forced herself to recover her thoughts, leaning back in the chair in an attempt to look calm. "I am very honored to be here. A bit surprised, perhaps, but honored."
"Ah, you wonder why you were chosen, do you?" Dumbledore smiled slightly, almost mischievously.
Snape/McGonagall: Be afraid.
"I suppose it would also surprise you to know that I have been watching
Snape: -you sleep.
your performance for quite some time.
Snape: I saw your latest on SkinemaxTM.
I had a feeling once you started expressing interest in
Dumbledore: -becoming a furry
academia that you would go far. Your mother was quite a student when she was here at Hogwarts, you know. She graduated at the top of her class. We half expected that she would have become a teacher."
All: Of course.
Jennifer nodded slightly. So that was it? She had long known that her mother and father had attended Hogwarts and then lived some time in England before fleeing to America fifteen years ago. Apparently, it had not been far enough. Four years earlier, her father had been found dead, and her mother vanished from her home in France a year ago and hadn't been heard from since.
Snape: Show me a sue with two living parents that aren’t cartoon villains and I will become friends with James Potter.
McGonagall: How do you disappear from a home in France if you fled to America?
"Your mother had an innate ability
Snape: -to annoy anyone who had the misfortune of crossing her path.
; one rather rare that I had always admired," he continued, interrupting her thoughts.
Snape: Fear not, Albus, you have a special ability to annoy those around you as well. That and use them like pawns.
Dumbledore: Don’t spend your afterlife being bitter, Severus.
Snape: You got me killed by a snake possessed by a piece of Voldemort’s soul. I didn’t even own the bloody elder wand.
"She could see through people… see them for who they really are.
McGonagall: She has X-ray vision?
No magic charm, enchantment or non-magic pretense was enough to keep her from seeing the truth. I understand that you also share the same talent, and even averted a few mishaps and scandals at Beauxbatons with it," he smiled.
Dumbledore: That’s call Legillimens and nothing is fool-proof. Voldemort was a master Legillimens, even better than I and yet Severus managed to fool him every day.
McGonagall: Obviously, this’ll allow the sue to see your true motives even though you managed to fool those of us who knew you best, save for Dumbledore, of course.
Snape: Do I sense some resentment in your tone?
McGonagall: I sense that the Sue has the magical power of bullshit. I also sense that you’re full of it, Severus.
Jennifer shifted slightly. Considering most of those incidents involved sealed records, she suddenly realized that he must have had a long talk with Maxime before asking her to be on staff. Perhaps he wasn't quite so impulsive as she had thought.
McGonagall: Yes, the headmaster of a school and the leader of the opposition against Voldemort is impulsive. That’s logical.
Snape: He does have a pretty exciting sock collection. Many of them have enthralling patterns like…stripes. The impulsiveness of it all was overwhelming.
"Then you would also know that I mainly instructed item enchantments and potion creation theory and not a subject in the higher arts," Jennifer said cautiously.
Dumbledore: Higher arts?
Snape: Potion creation theory and item enchantment? Those are subsets of potions and charms…
Dumbledore looked amused.
"Oh yes, I heard all about Maxime's skepticism about your magical talents.
McGonagall: Maxime is the scary sue?
But as I'm sure you have guessed by now, it's a skepticism I do not share.
Snape: Or you hired her because you secretly wished to use the defenseless children as bait.
I am also hoping that along with teaching the typical magical defenses you might be able to help our students start to see the finer points of
Dumbledore: - knitting patterns. Few people seem to share my appreciation for knitting patterns. It’s quite sad, really.
using their other perceptions; to teach them how to see through all the camouflaged darkness in the world and find the truth," he sighed softly, nodding as if to himself.
Snape: It would be cheaper to give the students LSD instead.
"Yes the truth," he continued, looking straight into her eyes. "This may not be the easiest of times for our school, our community, or our world," he said softly. "Let me start by telling you about one of our fifth year students that will be attending this year. His name is Harry Potter."
Snape: *as fic!Dumbledore* He doesn’t require your assistance; he is already useless.
"Oh, yes. I heard about what happened last year," Jennifer nodded soberly.
McGonagall: -after shaking her head drunkenly.
She had been rather preoccupied when much of the school went to Hogwarts for the Tri-wizard Tournaments, a game that showcased some of the best students in the three largest academies.
Snape: Ah, yes. The only I hope I have for humanity after Potters’ competing in the tournament was that his name was placed in the goblet by Barty Crouch Jr and he wasn’t chosen as one of the best in the school.
But her mother had
Snape: -spontaneously combusted.
disappeared just before that, and Jennifer had opted to stay close to home, hoping beyond hope that somehow her mother would
Dumbledore: -master her tap-dance routine by next Wednesday.
return.
The reports that came back with Madame Maxime had chilled her to the bone…
Snape: I used a curse that turned her blood to ice.
Voldemort had returned.
McGonagall: She’s going to have no problem saying his name, is she? Even I didn’t utter it until the last battle of the second war.
Snape: Nor did I and I had the audacity to lie to him on a daily basis.
It was at that point that she began to wonder if he somehow had to do with her mother's disappearance;
McGonagall/Snape: Of course.
her mother and father were no friends of Voldemort.
Snape: The Dark Lord has no friends. He’s not even pleasant to his most loyal followers. He killed me for a wand, a wand I didn’t even own, thanks to one of Dumbledore’s schemes. The fact that they weren’t his friends doesn’t make them special it makes them ordinary.
She couldn't imagine what it must have been like for Harry to have to witness such things first hand.
Dumbledore: You would think that to fulfill all the requirements of a Mary Sue she would have witnessed some sort of horror at the hands of Riddle.
"I would like you to keep a special eye on him, as well as his two friends Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger.
Snape: Weasley doesn’t need your help either. He’s got the IQ of Gilderoy Lockhart’s toenail clippings.
Part of your duties on staff will include special security measures that I have put in place this year.
Dumbledore: Seeing as she is a new faculty member I would not entrust her with special security measures. I entrust those to people who have been on my staff for a significant amount of time and have proven themselves to be trustworthy.
Yours will involve accompanying guests of the school while they are here, and also to help watch over special events. I can't say that I've totally made up my mind on whether or not we will continue with some of our activities, such as Quidditch, but if we do, it'll be especially important for you to be on your guard. We've had several unfortunate occurrences involving Harry, and I'd rather they not continue," Dumbledore explained quietly. Jennifer nodded.
"We also have as a compliment to the normal staff some, shall we say, "friends" of the school, for lack of a better term," he continued. "They help protect the school, its position, and its inhabitants… I'm sure there will be occasion for you to meet them, and I'll make them known to you as needed. I trust that these added responsibilities won't interfere with your teaching. From what I've heard, you also have a special knack at keeping your wits about you, and we definitely need that in a Defense teacher.
Snape: I spied on the Dark Lord and his followers for several years and yet I couldn’t “keep my wits about me” enough to teach Defense?
Dumbledore: That is rather insulting of me to insinuate.
Snape: Spare me. You wouldn’t be concerned about insulting me; you’d be concerned about losing your spy.
Dumbledore: I am sensing some hostility from you, Severus.
Snape: *patented Snape glare*
I should warn you, some of the students are beginning to think the position is cursed," he added with a wink. "We haven't had a professor stay longer than a year in a while. I would very much like to see us break the cycle on that.
Snape: I hope she dies a grotesque and torturous death at my hands.
Welcome to Hogwarts, Jennifer. I look forward to having someone of your caliber on board."
McGonagall: So the rest of us are worthless, is that they way of it?
Dumbledore: Well, that’s the end of the chapter. I will find you two when we move on to the next.
Snape: Unfortunately. Care to go for a walk around the grounds, Minerva?
McGonagall: Absolutely. Do you mind stopping by my quarters first? I want to fetch some biscuits for the giant squid. It’s terribly fond of them.
Snape: Very well. Let’s go.
Dumbledore: I do so enjoy a night time stroll -
Snape/McGonagall: *are gone*
Dumbledore: *sighs* They never invite me. *muses* They do spend a lot of time together…
Warnings: The usual, some sexual humor, language, a mary sue
Disclaimer: anything i reference isn't mine
"Welcome," smiled the Headmaster, offering Jennifer a seat.
Snape: Apparently Dumbledore can interpretive dance as well.
Dumbledore: I’ve always wanted to learn, but, alas, I’ve never gotten around to it. Minerva and I did take salsa dancing classes one summer though.
Snape: *smirks at McGonagall* Salsa dancing?
McGonagall: Shut up, Severus.
Snape: *sneers* No, I think I won’t. *turns to Dumbledore* Say, Albus, how adept was Minerva at salsa dancing?
Dumbledore: Not very.
McGonagall: And I suppose you’re an excellent dancer, Severus.
Snape: I’ve never attempted to salsa, nor do I wish to do so. However, I am very adept at the tango and the foxtrot.
McGonagall: You’re lying.
Snape: I’m not. My mother taught me as a boy. Unwilling as I was, I did manage to learn. I am a fast learner, you know.
McGonagall: You’re also a smug, arrogant git.
Snape: You flatter me.
"As I'm sure you've guessed, I'm
Dumbledore: - Winston Churchill.
Albus Dumbledore. I am happy to have you on my staff, Jennifer."
McGonagall: He’s lying.
Snape: I would think not, considering he felt Lockhart was qualified. Dumbledore doesn’t have the most stellar hiring record.
McGonagall: As evident in the fact that he hired you.
Snape: Please stop, your shining praise is embarrassing.
"Thank you, sir," she stammered slightly. Perhaps he was not so awesome in appearance… an elderly wizard with long silver hair and beard, golden robes and twinkling, sincere blue eyes…
Dumbledore: I am awesome in appearance.
Snape: It is interesting to see what new, heinous color your robes will be any given day, at least.
but at that moment she was struck
Dumbledore: -by a smooth criminal.
with the fact that she was facing one of the most powerful wizards in the world.
McGonagall: You are so his appearance is not pertinent you insipid little bint.
She forced herself to recover her thoughts, leaning back in the chair in an attempt to look calm. "I am very honored to be here. A bit surprised, perhaps, but honored."
"Ah, you wonder why you were chosen, do you?" Dumbledore smiled slightly, almost mischievously.
Snape/McGonagall: Be afraid.
"I suppose it would also surprise you to know that I have been watching
Snape: -you sleep.
your performance for quite some time.
Snape: I saw your latest on SkinemaxTM.
I had a feeling once you started expressing interest in
Dumbledore: -becoming a furry
academia that you would go far. Your mother was quite a student when she was here at Hogwarts, you know. She graduated at the top of her class. We half expected that she would have become a teacher."
All: Of course.
Jennifer nodded slightly. So that was it? She had long known that her mother and father had attended Hogwarts and then lived some time in England before fleeing to America fifteen years ago. Apparently, it had not been far enough. Four years earlier, her father had been found dead, and her mother vanished from her home in France a year ago and hadn't been heard from since.
Snape: Show me a sue with two living parents that aren’t cartoon villains and I will become friends with James Potter.
McGonagall: How do you disappear from a home in France if you fled to America?
"Your mother had an innate ability
Snape: -to annoy anyone who had the misfortune of crossing her path.
; one rather rare that I had always admired," he continued, interrupting her thoughts.
Snape: Fear not, Albus, you have a special ability to annoy those around you as well. That and use them like pawns.
Dumbledore: Don’t spend your afterlife being bitter, Severus.
Snape: You got me killed by a snake possessed by a piece of Voldemort’s soul. I didn’t even own the bloody elder wand.
"She could see through people… see them for who they really are.
McGonagall: She has X-ray vision?
No magic charm, enchantment or non-magic pretense was enough to keep her from seeing the truth. I understand that you also share the same talent, and even averted a few mishaps and scandals at Beauxbatons with it," he smiled.
Dumbledore: That’s call Legillimens and nothing is fool-proof. Voldemort was a master Legillimens, even better than I and yet Severus managed to fool him every day.
McGonagall: Obviously, this’ll allow the sue to see your true motives even though you managed to fool those of us who knew you best, save for Dumbledore, of course.
Snape: Do I sense some resentment in your tone?
McGonagall: I sense that the Sue has the magical power of bullshit. I also sense that you’re full of it, Severus.
Jennifer shifted slightly. Considering most of those incidents involved sealed records, she suddenly realized that he must have had a long talk with Maxime before asking her to be on staff. Perhaps he wasn't quite so impulsive as she had thought.
McGonagall: Yes, the headmaster of a school and the leader of the opposition against Voldemort is impulsive. That’s logical.
Snape: He does have a pretty exciting sock collection. Many of them have enthralling patterns like…stripes. The impulsiveness of it all was overwhelming.
"Then you would also know that I mainly instructed item enchantments and potion creation theory and not a subject in the higher arts," Jennifer said cautiously.
Dumbledore: Higher arts?
Snape: Potion creation theory and item enchantment? Those are subsets of potions and charms…
Dumbledore looked amused.
"Oh yes, I heard all about Maxime's skepticism about your magical talents.
McGonagall: Maxime is the scary sue?
But as I'm sure you have guessed by now, it's a skepticism I do not share.
Snape: Or you hired her because you secretly wished to use the defenseless children as bait.
I am also hoping that along with teaching the typical magical defenses you might be able to help our students start to see the finer points of
Dumbledore: - knitting patterns. Few people seem to share my appreciation for knitting patterns. It’s quite sad, really.
using their other perceptions; to teach them how to see through all the camouflaged darkness in the world and find the truth," he sighed softly, nodding as if to himself.
Snape: It would be cheaper to give the students LSD instead.
"Yes the truth," he continued, looking straight into her eyes. "This may not be the easiest of times for our school, our community, or our world," he said softly. "Let me start by telling you about one of our fifth year students that will be attending this year. His name is Harry Potter."
Snape: *as fic!Dumbledore* He doesn’t require your assistance; he is already useless.
"Oh, yes. I heard about what happened last year," Jennifer nodded soberly.
McGonagall: -after shaking her head drunkenly.
She had been rather preoccupied when much of the school went to Hogwarts for the Tri-wizard Tournaments, a game that showcased some of the best students in the three largest academies.
Snape: Ah, yes. The only I hope I have for humanity after Potters’ competing in the tournament was that his name was placed in the goblet by Barty Crouch Jr and he wasn’t chosen as one of the best in the school.
But her mother had
Snape: -spontaneously combusted.
disappeared just before that, and Jennifer had opted to stay close to home, hoping beyond hope that somehow her mother would
Dumbledore: -master her tap-dance routine by next Wednesday.
return.
The reports that came back with Madame Maxime had chilled her to the bone…
Snape: I used a curse that turned her blood to ice.
Voldemort had returned.
McGonagall: She’s going to have no problem saying his name, is she? Even I didn’t utter it until the last battle of the second war.
Snape: Nor did I and I had the audacity to lie to him on a daily basis.
It was at that point that she began to wonder if he somehow had to do with her mother's disappearance;
McGonagall/Snape: Of course.
her mother and father were no friends of Voldemort.
Snape: The Dark Lord has no friends. He’s not even pleasant to his most loyal followers. He killed me for a wand, a wand I didn’t even own, thanks to one of Dumbledore’s schemes. The fact that they weren’t his friends doesn’t make them special it makes them ordinary.
She couldn't imagine what it must have been like for Harry to have to witness such things first hand.
Dumbledore: You would think that to fulfill all the requirements of a Mary Sue she would have witnessed some sort of horror at the hands of Riddle.
"I would like you to keep a special eye on him, as well as his two friends Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger.
Snape: Weasley doesn’t need your help either. He’s got the IQ of Gilderoy Lockhart’s toenail clippings.
Part of your duties on staff will include special security measures that I have put in place this year.
Dumbledore: Seeing as she is a new faculty member I would not entrust her with special security measures. I entrust those to people who have been on my staff for a significant amount of time and have proven themselves to be trustworthy.
Yours will involve accompanying guests of the school while they are here, and also to help watch over special events. I can't say that I've totally made up my mind on whether or not we will continue with some of our activities, such as Quidditch, but if we do, it'll be especially important for you to be on your guard. We've had several unfortunate occurrences involving Harry, and I'd rather they not continue," Dumbledore explained quietly. Jennifer nodded.
"We also have as a compliment to the normal staff some, shall we say, "friends" of the school, for lack of a better term," he continued. "They help protect the school, its position, and its inhabitants… I'm sure there will be occasion for you to meet them, and I'll make them known to you as needed. I trust that these added responsibilities won't interfere with your teaching. From what I've heard, you also have a special knack at keeping your wits about you, and we definitely need that in a Defense teacher.
Snape: I spied on the Dark Lord and his followers for several years and yet I couldn’t “keep my wits about me” enough to teach Defense?
Dumbledore: That is rather insulting of me to insinuate.
Snape: Spare me. You wouldn’t be concerned about insulting me; you’d be concerned about losing your spy.
Dumbledore: I am sensing some hostility from you, Severus.
Snape: *patented Snape glare*
I should warn you, some of the students are beginning to think the position is cursed," he added with a wink. "We haven't had a professor stay longer than a year in a while. I would very much like to see us break the cycle on that.
Snape: I hope she dies a grotesque and torturous death at my hands.
Welcome to Hogwarts, Jennifer. I look forward to having someone of your caliber on board."
McGonagall: So the rest of us are worthless, is that they way of it?
Dumbledore: Well, that’s the end of the chapter. I will find you two when we move on to the next.
Snape: Unfortunately. Care to go for a walk around the grounds, Minerva?
McGonagall: Absolutely. Do you mind stopping by my quarters first? I want to fetch some biscuits for the giant squid. It’s terribly fond of them.
Snape: Very well. Let’s go.
Dumbledore: I do so enjoy a night time stroll -
Snape/McGonagall: *are gone*
Dumbledore: *sighs* They never invite me. *muses* They do spend a lot of time together…