The Million-Dollar Sue Chapter VI, Part I
Once again, I am sorry I haven't posted for a while. School takes up a lot of time. Thank you all for your patience. Anything you recognize isn't mine, anything referenced isn't mine, the characters aren't mine, this terrible book isn't mine, and the term MST isn't mine. I'm not making any money off of this.
Warnings: violent and sexual references, offensive language
McGonagall: *is sitting at her desk grading essays, the door bursts open, and she hears footsteps briskly approaching her desk, but she does not look up. She knows who is approaching*
Snape: What is the meaning of this? *throws the Daily Prophet on top of her student essays*
McGonagall: Well, Severus, it appears to be a newspaper.
Snape: Yes, Minerva, I am well aware of that, I am referring to this preposterous front-page story.
Headline: The Secret Love-life of Everyone’s Favorite Curmudgeonly Spy.
McGonagall: *scans article* It appears to be a preposterous story about your nonexistent love-affair with Sybil Trelawney. *purses lips to keep from laughing* I would send them a howler if I were you. It is improper for a newspaper to be so woefully incorrect.
Snape: *accusingly* Indeed, you wouldn’t happen to know where they got this ridiculous idea, do you?
McGonagall: I was actually referring to the fact that they call you “Everyone’s Favorite”, they ought to know that nobody really likes you, though, the idea of you in a relationship with anyone, let alone Sybil, is laughable.
Snape: *patented Snape glare* Do you take me for a fool, Minerva? I know you are behind this.
McGonagall: You know nothing of the kind. Besides, I daresay you deserve it after stealing my furniture and turning my hair Slytherin colors.
Snape: Wouldn’t you say that putting my Quidditch captain in detention for the rest of the year was sufficient enough revenge?
McGonagall: That doesn’t count; it is my right as Deputy Headmistress, Head of Gryffindor, and a professor to punish students, especially when they sexually harass me.
Snape: In my defense, I was unaware that he had such poor taste in women.
McGonagall: You’re already going to lose the Quidditch cup this season and have to deal with Trelawney following you around like a lost puppy. Surely, your Slytherin self-preservation instincts are telling you to stop insulting me and do as I say.
Snape: If you weren’t such a foolhardy Gryffindor you would be aware of the fact that one should not instigate fights against those whom they cannot defeat.
McGonagall: *opens mouth to reply*
Dumbledore: *interrupts* I daresay if this fighting continues, the Snagonagall shippers will have a field day.
McGonagall: *irately* The who?
Snape: Where, in the name of Merlin, did you come from?
Dumbledore: It seems that I have appeared randomly to provide a convenient segue.
Fourth Wall: *breaks*
Dumbledore: Oh my, it appears I was not supposed to tell you that. *ahem* I have been here the whole time.
McGonagall/Snape: *are dumbfounded*
Snape: No you haven’t.
Dumbledore: When I have ever deceived you two?
McGonagall: *raises eyebrow incredulously*
Snape: Constantly, since I was 20.
Dumbledore: For the good of our world, Severus.
Snape: Lies told with good intentions are still lies.
Dumbledore: Fair point, Severus, however, as much as I would like to continue this discussion, I must do my duty as convenient-segue-provider and order the both of you to begin Chapter 6 of Twilight.
McGonagall: No.
Dumbledore: Then you will be forced to spend all of eternity in this room.
Door: *conveniently locks*
Dumbledore: *mysteriously disappears*
Snape: *fires a battery of curses at the door*
Door: *is unharmed*
McGonagall: Are you quite finished?
Snape: I suppose.
McGonagall: Good, let us begin, so that we may regain our freedom and find out what a “snagonagall shipper” is.
6. SCARY STORIES
McGonagall: Indeed, the fact that this book was a bestseller is frightening.
As I sat in my room, trying to concentrate on the third act of Macbeth,
Snape: Reading Shakespeare when one is illiterate would be quite difficult.
I was really listening for
McGonagall: -the sound of music.
my truck.
Snape: Ah, I had forgotten that Edward’s family exists solely to serve him and thus, Alice, is bringing the Sue’s truck back.
I would have thought, even over the pounding rain, I could have heard the engine's roar.
McGonagall: At least you have a vehicle to drive. Many people don’t. 1.
But when I went to peek out the curtain
Snape: And into the window of Edward’s bedroom.
- again - it was suddenly there.
Snape: That is illogical. Having grown up in a muggle neighborhood I can tell you that you can always hear cars approaching your house. You can hear cars driving by. You can hear cars pulling into your neighbor’s driveways. I would think that Meyer would be aware of the phenomenon that is auditory perception.
McGonagall: I think that she is implying that Bella couldn’t hear the truck because her vampires are so overwhelmingly stealthy.
Snape: Unless they can operate vehicles without actually starting them, they have no control over the sound of the engine.
I wasn't looking forward to Friday, and it more than lived up to my non-expectations. Of course there were the fainting comments.
McGonagall: People have nothing better to talk about than her overdramatic display? 2.
Jessica especially seemed to get a kick out of that story.
Snape: I think it would’ve been more enjoyable if she had fractured her skull, suffered a brain injury, and died from encephalitis. Clearly, Jessica needs to work on her sadism.
McGonagall: *shakes her head* 3.
Luckily Mike had kept
Snape: -the key.
his mouth shut, and no one seemed to know about Edward's involvement
McGonagall: -in synchronized swimming.
. She did have a lot of questions about
Snape: -how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop.
lunch, though.
McGonagall: ……What?
Snape: She had questions about lunch? I assume “she” is Jessica, though why she has questions about lunch is a mystery, more so than Edward’s obvious vampirism.
McGonagall: And it’s a more intriguing story.
"So what did Edward Cullen want yesterday?" Jessica asked in Trig.
Snape: I am getting metaphorical whiplash from these non-sequitors and random time-jumps.
"I don't know," I answered truthfully.
McGonagall: *rubs forehead* How astonishing.
"He never really got to the point."
"You looked kind of mad," she fished.
Snape: -and landed herself a bass.
"Did I?" I kept my expression blank.
McGonagall: That’s because your mind is blank.
"You know, I've never seen him sit with anyone but his
Snape: -minions-
family before.
That was weird."
"Weird," I agreed. She seemed annoyed; she flipped
McGonagall: -Bella off.
her dark curls impatiently - I guessed she'd been hoping to hear something
Snape: -by the Weird Sisters
that would make a good story for
McGonagall: -her next best-selling children’s novel entitled “The Moron and the Sparkly Douche”. Also, I believe that is our first tally for the insult count.
her to pass on.
The worst part about Friday was that
Snape: *as Bella* -“I was playing like Betty White out there”.
McGonagall: …4.
, even though I knew he wasn't going to
Snape: *as Bella* -find me an antique armoire.
be there, I still hoped.
McGonagall: 5.
When I
Snape: tap-danced
walked into the cafeteria with Jessica
McGonagall: -wearing a sparkly, pink leotard and a top hat.
and Mike, I couldn't keep from looking at his table, where Rosalie, Alice, and Jasper sat talking, heads close together. And I couldn't stop the gloom that engulfed me
Snape: Ah, this gives me a small flicker of hope.
McGonagall: Why, she’s just whinging as usual, the brat. 6.
Snape: Sudden gloom, Minerva, it’s a clear sign of the presence of dementors. Though, I’m sure our hopes will go unsatisfied.
as I realized I didn't know how long I would have to wait
McGonagall: -to use the loo.
before I saw him again.
Snape: We have repeated countless times the idiocy of this girl’s dependence on a boy she hardly knows. I strongly dislike repeating myself, Meyer.
At my usual table, everyone was full of
McGonagall: -dragon feces.
our plans for the next day.
Snape: How can they be filled with plans?
McGonagall: I summoned all of the copies of Twilight in the world, tore out the chapter that included their plans for the following day, and shoved each and every page down each and every one of their throats.
Snape: An impressive feat, surely you should receive and Order of Merlin.
Mike was animated again,
McGonagall: Someone kept turning him into a cartoon character.
putting a great deal of trust in the local weatherman who promised sun tomorrow. I'd have to see that before I believed it.
Snape: One more word about the rain and I swear that I will break through the 4th wall, find you, take you to a coven of real vampires, and stab you. Then we’ll see how sexually aroused vampires make you.
McGonagall: 7.
But it was warmer today - almost sixty. Maybe the outing wouldn't be
completely miserable.
Snape: I hope you drown. 8.
I intercepted a few unfriendly glances from Lauren during lunch
McGonagall: -and flew them all the way to the other side of the pitch and threw them through the goal-post.
, which I didn't understand until we were all walking out of the room together.
I was right behind her, just a foot from her slick, silver blond hair,
Snape: *as Bella* I knew this because I took out a ruler and measured the distance between myself and the back of her skull.
And she was evidently unaware of that.
{snip/Bella insults Jessica who reasonably mocks her obsession with the Cullens/}
McGonagall: Insult count is now 2. Clearly this is our scary sue.
I really didn't know her well at all, certainly not well enough for her to dislike
me - or so I'd thought.
Snape: You also don’t know Edward Cullen enough to know that you love him, yet, you claim you do.
"She's my friend; she sits with us," Mike
whispered back loyally, but also a bit territorially.
McGonagall: Why territorially? Does Lauren fancy Bella as well?
I paused to let Jess and Angela pass me. I didn't want to hear any more.
McGonagall: 9.
That night at dinner, Charlie seemed enthusiastic about my trip to La
Push in the morning.
Snape: Yes, how dare your father be happy that you are adapting to your new life. Live with my father for a day and you’ll be begging for your horrible, caring father. 10.
I think he felt guilty for leaving me home alone on the weekends, but he'd spent too many years building his habits to break them now.
Snape: He is the chief of police, you heinous, whinging little bitch. 11.
{snip/ more small town stereotype bull shit and Bella begins lying to Charlie for no reason/}
McGonagall: Wasn’t he defending the Cullens earlier?
"Dad, do you know
Snape: -the Muffin Man?
a place called
McGonagall: -candy mountain?
Goat Rocks or something like that? I
think it's south of Mount Rainier," I asked casually.
"Yeah - why?"
I shrugged. "Some kids were talking about
Snape: -sacrificing the town’s dumbest virgin-
camping there."
"It's not a very good place for camping." He sounded surprised. "Too many
bears. Most people go there during the hunting season."
"Oh," I murmured. "Maybe I got the name wrong."
McGonagall: Everyone in the town is most likely well aware of this, which begs the question of why Edward wouldn’t just say that he was going to a campground or something of that nature.
Snape: Because then we would be deprived of this masterfully subtle foreshadowing.
I meant to sleep in, but an unusual brightness woke me. I opened my eyes
to see a clear yellow light streaming through my window. I couldn't
believe it. I hurried to the window to check, and
McGonagall: *as Bella* -it was a false alarm. Helicopters were shining flood lights into the window, telling me I was under arrest for being the most horrifying sue of the century.
sure enough, there was the sun.
Snape: Yes, Bella, that big yellow circle that rises in the daytime is, in fact, the sun. Well done.
It was in the wrong place in the sky, too low, and it didn't seem to be as close as it should be, but it was definitely the sun.
McGonagall: Even the sun was fleeing from the sue’s presence. 12.
Clouds ringed the horizon, but a large patch of blue was visible in the middle. I lingered by the window as long as I could, afraid that if I left the blue would disappear again.
Snape: Thank Merlin the Dark Lord despised muggles so much he never considered using their literature to take over. Had he ever obtained this book he would have wiped out all opposed to him in seconds. 13.
The Newtons' Olympic Outfitters store was just north of town.
McGonagall: Unless this store was also floating in your precious patch of blue sky I fail to see how this transition is supposed to work.
I'd seen
Snape: *as Bella* -Fatal Attraction. I could only dream that one day mine and Edward’s relationship would reach that intensity.
the store, but I'd never stopped there - not having much need for any supplies required for being outdoors over an extended period of time.
McGonagall: There is much simpler way to word that sentence: “but I’d never stopped there, since I had to need for camping supplies.” I would also like to point out that a comma and a dash are different entities that must be used in different manners.
Snape: I see Meyer gets paid by the word.
In the parking lot I recognized Mike's Suburban and Tyler's Sentra.
McGonagall: Rest in peace Tyler’s Van; your effort to kill the Sue with an astounding violation of the laws of physics will never be forgotten.
Snape: May it return from the afterlife to hunt and kill Bella.
As I pulled
McGonagall: -out.
Snape: My, wouldn’t that be an interesting twist.
up next to their vehicles, I could see the group standing around in front of the Suburban. Eric was there, along with two other boys I had class with; I was fairly sure their names were Ben and Conner. Jess was there, flanked by
McGonagall: -2 large, burly aurors.
Angela and Lauren. Three other girls stood with them, including one I remembered falling over in Gym on Friday.
Snape: Is that what they’re calling it these days?
That one gave me a dirty look as I got out of the truck, and whispered something to
Lauren. Lauren shook out her cornsilk hair and eyed me scornfully.
McGonagall: People don’t generally appreciate having anyone fall on then, let alone a sue.
So it was going to be one of those days.
Snape: Not one of those days encrusted in diamonds, but one of those cheap days that is made out of cubic zirconium. 14.
At least Mike was happy
McGonagall: -in his pants-
to see me.
Snape: I understand lusting after a girl, but one would think that he would lose interest after the way she has treated him. Let it go, Mike. There are plenty more insipid teenagers for you to choose from. Might I suggest picking one of them?
McGonagall: You’re telling him to let it go? That’s so entertainingly ironic that I am almost tempted to share it with Dumbledore.
"You came!" he called, delighted. "And I said it would be sunny today, didn't I?"
"I told you I was coming," I reminded him.
"We're just waiting for Lee and Samantha… unless you invited someone,"
Mike added.
"Nope," I lied lightly, hoping I wouldn't get caught in the lie.
Snape: Ending that sentence at caught would suffice. Clearly, Meyer is laboring under the delusion that allegedly having an English degree allows her to break the rules of said language.
But also wishing
McGonagall: -upon a star.
that a miracle would occur, and Edward would appear.
Snape: A “miracle” would be a cure for cancer or an end for world hunger. The appearance of a sparkly douche would most likely be considered a bad omen. 15.
Mike looked satisfied.
Snape: It’s not wise to do that in a parking lot, Mike.
McGonagall: *sighs*
Snape: I seem to recall you making a remark about Bella “pulling out” not too long ago.
"Will you ride in my car? It's that or Lee's mom's minivan."
"Sure."
He smiled blissfully. It was so easy to make Mike happy.
McGonagall: Did he just sexually climax at the idea of her riding in his car?
Snape: Either “riding in my car or Lee’s mom’s minivan” is some sort of innuendo or it doesn’t take much to “satisfy” him.
"You can have shotgun," he promised.
McGonagall: I imagine it is never a good idea to give a person with the IQ of a small pebble a dangerous weapon.
I hid my chagrin. It wasn't as simple to make Mike and Jessica happy at the same time.
Snape: It’s not simple, but it can be done, especially when one considers that it only took a mere sentence to get Mike off.
McGonagall: That’s disgusting.
{snip/ seating arrangements, Bella whining, more insults.
Mike could have been more graceful about it,
Snape: -he could have done a pirouette.
but at least Jess seemed appeased.