The Million-Dollar Sue Chapter V, Part VI
Hello all,
Thank you for your patience. I am now on Christmas break for the next three weeks so I will try to post more, but seeing as I will be applying to medical school in about a year I will be very busy. Thanks again for your patience. Here is the next section of Chapter 5.
Disclaimer: Nothing you recognize is mine.
Warnings: Profanity, references to violence towards Bella, profound stupidity, whining
I heard the door and opened my eyes to see the nurse with a cold
Snape: -Shiny glock.
compress
in her hand.
"Here you go, dear." She laid it across my forehead. "You're looking
McGonagall: -sue-ish.
better," she added.
"I think I'm
Snape: -paranoid.
fine," I said, sitting up. Just a little ringing in my ears,
McGonagall: *as Bella* Those salvation-army bell-ringers were quite incessant.
no spinning. The mint green walls stayed where they should.
Snape: *as Bella* They had been protesting their obscenely long work hours and were considering going on strike. Luckily, the principal was able to convince them to stay in place by offering them a raise.
I could see
McGonagall: *as Bella* I spy with my little eye.
she was about to make me
Snape: *as Bella* -eat the horrifyingly unidentifiable dish known as “Turkey Tetrizini” from the cafeteria.
lie back down, but the door opened
Snape: *as Blue Oyster Cult, singing* -and the wind appeared/The candles blew and then disappeared/The curtain flew and then he appeared…saying don’t be afraid/Come on baby…
McGonagall: Don’t fear the reaper, Bella. 54.
just then, and Ms. Cope stuck her head in.
Snape: *as Bella* -and she left it sitting on the nurse’s desk.
McGonagall: *as the nurse* I do hate it when Ms. Cope just leaves her head on my desk. She ought to keep track of it.
"We've got another one," she warned.
Snape: *as Queen* Another one bites the dust.
I hopped down
McGonagall: -the bunny trail.
to free up the cot for the next invalid.
I handed the compress back to the nurse. "Here, I don't need this."
And then Mike staggered through the door,
Snape: *as Bella* - too intoxicated to walk in a straight line.
McGonagall: *as Mike* It was that accursed Sue; she drove me to this.
now supporting a sallow-looking Lee Stephens, another boy in our Biology class.
Snape: Instead of some random boy he abducted from a French class, unlike last week.
Edward and I drew
McGonagall: *as Bella* -a still-life of Mike, passed out on the floor.
Snape: *as Bella* It was not a very flattering portrait, but such things are inevitable when one consumes too much alcohol.
McGonagall: *as Bella* Edward added a mustache and a monocle, for no other reason than he is a humungous asshat.
Snape: *as Bella* But that’s acceptable because he’s pretty!!!!111!!!
Back against the wall to give them room.
McGonagall: Why don’t they leave? I doubt the nurse needs them irritating her while she is trying to tend to another student.
"Oh no," Edward muttered.
Snape: *as Edward* I lost five hundred dollars at the track. I was certain that #6 was going to win.
"Go out to the office, Bella."
I looked up at him, bewildered.
McGonagall: *as Bella* Why would you bet on # 6, everyone knows that # 2 is much faster.
"Trust me - go."
I spun and caught the door before it closed, darting out of the
infirmary.
Snape: *as Bella* - before the entire building exploded in a blaze of fiery glory. Edward was pronounced dead two hours later. The town rejoiced.
McGonagall: What in Merlin’s name could warrant that kind of dramatic behavior?
I could feel Edward right behind me.
Snape: *as Bella* -when I reached back and grabbed him inappropriately.
"You actually listened to me." He was stunned.
McGonagall: Why, I don’t know, since you are not a teacher or authority figure of any sort.
"I smelled the blood," I said, wrinkling my nose.
Snape: That is not possible. 55.
Lee wasn't sick from watching other people, like me.
McGonagall: What is the matter with him? Did he have a nosebleed, did he fall, did he get stabbed, shot, hit by a car, what? This does not make any sense. Why didn’t they notice the blood when Mike was bringing him in? They had a clear view of him.
Snape: Surely Meyer realizes how bad her book is judging by the fact that we, the readers, are more interested in what happened to a character we had, up to this point, no prior knowledge of. 56.
"People can't smell blood," he contradicted.
McGonagall: Even Ted Bundy realizes how idiotic her sue-per sense of smell is.
"Well, I can
Snape: No you can’t, not unless you are a dog or a shark. Human beings can’t smell blood. It is physiologically impossible.
- that's what makes me sick. It smells like
McGonagall: -teen spirit.
rust… and salt."
Snape: *as Edward* Well, you can smell salt due to the fact that I enjoy adding a bit of flavor - I mean- because you have…super-human powers…
He was staring at me with an unfathomable expression.
McGonagall: *as Edward, thinking to himself* If only I could figure out 2-across…
"What?" I asked.
Snape: *as Bella* I’m not lying about my ability to smell blood in order to garner attention…
"It's nothing."
Mike came through the door then, glancing from me to Edward. The look he
gave Edward confirmed what Edward had said about loathing. He looked back
at me, his eyes glum.
"You look better," he accused.
McGonagall: *as Mike* Why are all my attempts to murder her unsuccessful?
Snape: Yes, Mike, how dare her over-dramatized condition improve after an inordinate amount of time.
"Just keep your hand in your pocket," I warned him again.
McGonagall: Pardon?
"It's not bleeding anymore," he muttered.
Snape: I assume this is a reference the minor pin prick he sustained during the illegal experiment, in which case, he would not be bleeding for more than a few seconds unless he had a clotting disorder, you dunderheaded fool.
"Are you going back to class?"
"Are you kidding? I'd just have to turn around and come back."
"Yeah, I guess… So are you going this weekend? To the beach?"
McGonagall *as Mike*: I wouldn’t want to miss the opportunity to drown you.
While he spoke, he flashed
Snape: *as Bella*: -me. Thanks to this disturbing incident I am now aware of why Mike always wears a trench coat.
another glare toward Edward,
McGonagall: Merlin, why are they fighting over her? Bella is not a member of the Weird Sisters or some other famous person. She is not popular. She is not intelligent, charming, or even attractive. She has no personality to speak of so why is everyone fighting over her? It does not make sense.
who was standing against the cluttered counter, motionless as a sculpture, staring off into space.
I tried to sound as friendly as possible. "Sure, I said I was in."
Snape: Why bother going if you don’t enjoy the company of any of those that will be present?
McGonagall: *as Bella*: I suppose I’ll grace you with my glorious presence.
"We're meeting at my dad's store, at ten." His eyes flickered
Snape: -and then went out. Someone forgot to charge his battery.
McGonagall: This butchery of the English language is inexcusable, especially considering that this woman has an advanced degree in English.
to Edward again, wondering if he was giving out too much information. His body
language made it clear that it wasn't an open invitation.
Snape: As does that fact that he is not inviting Edward.
"I'll be there," I promised.
"I'll see you in
McGonagall: -hell.
Gym, then," he said, moving uncertainly
Snape: The tango was not his strong suit.
toward the
McGonagall: -edge of a large cliff.
door.
"See you," I replied. He looked at me once more, his round face slightly
pouting,
Snape: The rest of him, however, was quite jovial.
and then as he walked slowly
McGonagall: -to the guillotine.
through the door, his shoulders slumped. A swell of sympathy washed over me.
Snape: A period is not supposed to be in the middle of the sentence, though in all fairness, it might be an error on our copy.
McGonagall: *as Bella* -drowning me.
Snape: 55.
I pondered
McGonagall: -the meaning of life.
Snape: - the meaning of “See Spot Run”.
seeing his disappointed face again… in Gym.
Snape: While I can understand hating Physical Education, as it seems a pointless subject, I do not believe that it warrants a dramatic ellipsis. 56.
"Gym," I groaned.
"I can take care of
McGonagall: -him.
Snape: *as the Godfather* I’ll make him an offer he can’t refuse.
that." I hadn't noticed Edward moving to my side, but
Snape: *as Bella* -I soon realized he was doing the electric slide.
he spoke now in my ear.
McGonagall: *as Bella* How he managed to crawl into my auditory canal, I cannot fathom…
"Go sit down and look pale," he muttered.
Snape: Yes, she’ll just command her circulation to stop going to her face.
That wasn't a challenge; I was always pale,
McGonagall: No, you’re translucent, if you recall.
and my recent swoon
Snape: *as Bella* -found me in the arms of Fabio on the cover of some tawdry and trite harlequin novel.
had left a light sheen of sweat on my face.
McGonagall: Which probably would have evaporated by this time and you should not be perspiring anymore seeing as you are completely healthy.
Snape: Perhaps she is suffering from diaphoresis? I do hope that is the case as it can signify a neurological problem, most likely occurring in the hypothalamus. 57.
I sat in one of the creaky folding chairs
McGonagall: This moronic pattern of speech and inability to refer to objects as what they are does not make your character sound believable, it makes her sound like a bimbo, who can’t fathom the miracle of a folding chair or an exam table or wax paper.
Snape: I am rather pleased with this development.
McGonagall: For what reason? I for one, find it irritating.
Snape: Nominal aphasia, another sign of neurological dysfunction.
and rested my head against
McGonagall: -a Hungarian horntail.
the wall with my eyes closed. Fainting spells always exhausted me.
Snape: Potter whines less than this imbecile. 58.
I heard Edward speaking softly at the counter.
"Ms. Cope?"
"Yes?" I hadn't heard her return to her desk.
Snape: She’s a ninja, also, though, I have the capacity to deduce who is speaking, speech tags are a part of writing etiquette.
"Bella has Gym next hour, and I don't think she feels well enough.
McGonagall: And his opinion matters because?
Snape: Apparently he is this generation’s Doogie Howser.
McGonagall: Arrogant prick.
Actually, I was thinking I should take her home now.
McGonagall: Well, that’s more than mildly unsettling.
Snape: I can imagine that sentence ending with “and slip her some rohypnol.”
McGonagall: Did you attend a muggle primary school, Severus?
Snape: Unfortunately.
McGonagall: If one of your classmates suggested that they take you home, would the teachers allow that?
Snape: Do you think it necessary to ask me that?
McGonagall: I didn’t think so.
Snape: This is Sueland, Minerva, and thus, it is free from the binds of reality.
Do you think
McGonagall: -obviously she doesn’t since she’s about to let you take home another student.
Snape: She’s too distracted with the thought of shagging him.
McGonagall: Has she never heard of professional decorum? Sleeping with students is unlawful and disturbing.
You could excuse her from class?" His voice was like
Snape: -nails on a blackboard, or the high-pitch shrill of Potter’s constant bitching.
McGonagall: Really, Potter does not deserve to be compared to this asshat.
Snape: I assure you, Minerva, he does.
melting honey.
McGonagall: Spare me.
I could imagine how much more overwhelming his eyes would be.
Snape: Everything is overwhelming to your tiny and inept brain. Name something that you have a capacity to comprehend and I will ___
McGonagall: -wash your hair?
Snape: You slay me with your rapier wit. Never in my nearly forty years of life has anyone ever had the clever idea to mock my hair. 58.
"Do you need to be excused, too, Edward?" Ms. Cope fluttered.
McGonagall: This is sick! Why is this woman still employed at that school?
Why couldn't I do that?
Snape: I’m going to take a leap of logic and say that Ms. Cope is not a lesbian?
"No, I have Mrs. Goff, she won't mind."
McGonagall: There are no words…
"Okay, it's all taken care of. You feel better, Bella," she called to me.
Snape: I would be glad to heal her … one sectumsempra ought to do the trick.
I nodded weakly, hamming it up just a bit.
McGonagall: Which is what you’ve been doing all along. 59.
"Can you walk, or do you want me to carry you again?" With his back to the receptionist, his expression became sarcastic.
Snape: Even though she was obviously being melodramatic with that fainting spell, you are still a dick for mocking someone for losing consciousness.
"I'll walk."
McGonagall: I’m surprised she didn’t take him up on that.
I stood carefully, and I was still fine.
Snape: You walked out of the nurse’s office. Why is it suddenly an issue? 60.
He held the door for me, his smile polite but his eyes mocking.
McGonagall: And then I aimed a curse at his smug face.
I walked out into the cold, fine mist that had just begun to fall.
Snape: Mist doesn’t fall, you nitwit.
It felt nice - the first time I'd enjoyed the constant moisture falling out of the sky - as it washed my face clean of the sticky perspiration.
McGonagall: *as Bella* I perspire glue, you see.
"Thanks," I said as he followed me out. "It's almost worth getting sick
to miss Gym."
Snape: If I were to kill you, you would be free from the horror of gym class forever.