The Million-Dollar Sue, Chapter 5, Part III
Here is part III of Chapter 5. Here we have the exciting lunch scene that is supposed to show the wonderful, nonexistent chemistry between Ted and Bellabitch. Next time, we will pick up with one of the most improbable scenes in the entire series.
Disclaimer: Twilight, Snape, McGonagall, and any songs, commercials, or movies I reference are not mine.
Warnings: Language, sexual references, references to violence, alarming idiocy on the part of Bellabitch
Without further adieu, part III.
"Thanks."
"Then can I have one answer in return?" he demanded.
McGonagall: The Nile.
"One."
Snape: 2 minus 1.
McGonagall: 0 plus 1.
Snape: 100 minus 99.
McGonagall: Negative 1 plus 2.
Snape: However, none of those were questions he asked, thus one is not the answer.
"Tell me
McGonagall: *singing* -lies, tell me sweet little lies!
one theory."
Whoops. "Not that one."
Snape: *as Bella* -the other one! You know, that one that’s not this one?
McGonagall: *as Edward* You don’t say? There’s another one besides the one that I was previously referencing?
"You didn't qualify, you just promised
Snape: *as Edward* -me you’d buy me the latest GI Joe action figure!
one answer," he reminded me.
McGonagall: -of a serial rapist.
Snape: That is what he brings to mind.
"And you've broken promises yourself," I reminded him back.
McGonagall: *singing* Proooooooooomises iiiiiiiiiiiiiinn theeeeee daaaaaaaaaaaaaarkk!!!
Snape: Why must you torment me with your disturbingly detailed knowledge of muggle music? 21.
"Just one
McGonagall: *dramatically* There can be only one survivor!
theory - I won't laugh
Snape: *as Edward* -too hard.
."
"Yes, you will." I was positive about that.
McGonagall: It’s hard not to laugh at her idiocy.
Snape: 22.
He looked down
McGonagall: -at his stylish, new suede shoes.
, and then glanced up at me through his long black lashes,
Snape: *sneers* Maybe he’s born with it.
McGonagall: Maybe is Maybelline.
his ocher eyes scorching.
Snape: *as Bella* -from his foolish attempt to use a blow torch to remove the bags from under his eyes.
McGonagall: *as Bella* Edward was quite vain.
Snape: Another unpleasant reminder of James Potter.
"Please?" he breathed, leaning toward me.
McGonagall: That is so terribly violating of her personal space.
I blinked, my mind going blank.
Snape: I fail to see how it could go blank when it was blank to begin with. 23.
Holy crow,
McGonagall: Golly gee willakers, Batman!
Snape: Holy crow? What era is this book set in?
McGonagall: I believe it’s 2005.
Snape: So why is Bella now reminding me unpleasantly of my muggle grandmother?
how did he do that?
McGonagall: It’s not a difficult feat to make her mind go blank.
"Er, what?" I asked, dazed.
Snape: It’s a miracle she still functions when her EEG must be a constant flatline.
"Please tell me just one little theory." His eyes still smoldered at me.
"Um, well, bitten by a
McGonagall: -rabid dog?
radioactive spider?"
Snape: An acromantula, hopefully? Although, an acromantula would’ve eaten him whole.
Was he a hypnotist, too? Or was I just a hopeless pushover?
McGonagall: You’re an idiot. Mystery solved. 24.
"That's not very creative," he scoffed.
Snape: She’s a dunderhead, what do you expect?
"I'm sorry, that's all I've got," I said, miffed.
McGonagall: 25.
"You're not even close," he teased.
McGonagall: I wonder how his family feels about him revealing their painfully obvious secret to this bimbo?
"No spiders?"
Snape: A problem that would be remedied if Hagrid were in this fic. I do hope he appears with one of his dangerous and uncontrollable creatures.
"Nope."
"And no radioactivity?"
McGonagall: *as Edward* Let me get out my Geiger Counter and make sure.
"None."
"Dang," I sighed.
Snape: She is an adolescent in the year 2005, she would not say “dang”, she’d say “damn”.
"Kryptonite doesn't bother me, either," he chuckled.
McGonagall: Probably because it doesn’t exist.
"You're not supposed to laugh, remember?"
Snape: Someone should ban her from whining. Her empty head would explode from the strain. 26.
He struggled to compose
McGonagall: -a concerto.
his face.
Snape: *as Bella* -but it refused to go along with the rest of the violin section.
"I'll figure it out eventually," I warned him.
McGonagall: *sarcastically* Yes, I’m sure. And Delores Umbridge will stop filling her office with repulsive pictures of kittens and stop painting it repulsive shades of pink.
"I wish you wouldn't try." He was serious again.
Snape: Then why are you talking about it, taunting her about it, and alluding to it? Not that it would make a difference, he could outright tell her what he is and she still wouldn’t understand. However, he’s still being a cryptic and moronic fool.
"Because… ?"
"What if I'm not a superhero? What if I'm
McGonagall: *as Edward* -a raging douchebag.
the bad guy?" He smiled playfully, but his eyes were impenetrable.
Both: IF YOU DON’T WANT HER TO FIGURE IT OUT STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
"Oh," I said, as several things he'd hinted fell suddenly into place.
Snape: You’re just now comprehending his angsty allusions to how dangerous he is? Her IQ has to be in the negative numbers.
McGonagall: *takes a swig of Firewhiskey* I have nothing to say.
"I see
Snape: I’d be willing to bet all the money in the world that you don’t.
"Do you?"
McGonagall/ Snape: No.
McGonagall: *drinks more Firewhiskey*
His face was abruptly severe
Snape: -ly injured by a well aimed Sectumsempra.
, as if he were afraid that he'd accidentally said too much.
McGonagall: I have a brilliant idea. If you don’t want someone to know something, you don’t talk about it, which leads me to believe that he does want her to know.
"You're dangerous?"
Snape: *sarcastically* No, he’s like a basket of fluffy kittens! He’s been alluding to his dangerousness since you sat down you imbecile. If she is allegedly so much more intelligent than her peers I fear for the future of humanity! I feel a sudden urge to go on a murderous rampage!
I guessed, my pulse quickening as I intuitively realized the truth of my own words.
He was dangerous. He'd been trying to tell me that all along.
McGonagall: Yes, everyone with at least one functional brain cell sensed that ages ago. I swear, her picture must be beside every synonym for idiocy in the dictionary. Her name alone must be a synonym for idiocy!
He just looked at me, eyes full of some emotion I couldn't comprehend.
Snape: That statement is rendered meaningless by the fact that you couldn’t comprehend a steaming pile of shit if you drown in it! If you had the misfortune of being a student at this school you would find that I would gleefully hand you over to Filch and turn a blind eye as he tormented you! However, the only way you would be allowed in Hogwarts would be if someone confunded the Sorting Hat!!!
McGonagall: Are you finished?
Snape: For now.
"But not bad," I whispered, shaking my head. "No, I don't believe that you're bad."
Snape: BASED ON WHAT?!?!!!!!! THE FACT THAT HE IS ATTRACTIVE AND BEAUTIFUL WITH SMOLDERING, DAZZLING, PERFECT EYES AND BEAUTIFUL, PERFECTLY CHIZZLED, ADONIS-LIKE FEATURES?!?!!??!???!?!?!??!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?! ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE CAN BE EVIL, FOR EXAMPLE, LUCIUS MALFOY, TOM RIDDLE, AND BELLATRIX LESTRANGE!!! *descends into incoherent rage*
McGonagall: *calmly drinks firewhiskey* Do you intend to be finished with your rant soon? If not, I can return later. All you have to do is admit that you folded under the pressure of the Sue’s idiocy and that I survived longer than you.
Snape: *patented Snape glare at McGonagall, stops ranting* Not likely, Minerva. I merely needed to indulge in some momentary catharsis. If you have not yet reached your limit, we may continue.
McGonagall: Your unfounded arrogance is rather reminiscent of James Potter.
Snape: The way you are irritating me at the moment is rather reminiscent of Delores Umbridge.
McGonagall: *lips are pursed* Continue along that vein, Severus, and you will surely regret it.
Snape: Perhaps, but I will do so whilst enjoying the comfort of your furniture.
"You're wrong." His voice was almost inaudible. He looked down, stealing my bottle lid and then spinning it on its side between his fingers. I stared at him, wondering why I didn't feel afraid.
McGonagall: I miss the good old days when people with such an astonishing lack of self-preservation were killed.
Snape: If that were the case, Gryffindor House would not exist.
McGonagall: Tread carefully, Severus. I am not above transfiguring you into Neville Longbottom’s toad or Harry Potter’s owl.
He meant what he was saying - that was obvious.
Snape: Was it? Even the most obvious things are a great mystery to you.
But I just felt anxious, on edge
McGonagall: Didn’t she say above that she wasn’t afraid?
… and, more than anything else, fascinated. The same way I always felt when I was near him.
Snape: So, the people who were kind to her and helped her adjust are not worthy of her friendship, but this asshole is?
McGonagall: He’s attractive, Severus, that’s why he’s not worthless like the rest of them.
Snape: *dangerously* I see…
The silence lasted until I noticed that the cafeteria was almost empty.
I jumped
McGonagall: -Edward.
to my feet. "We're
Snape: -imbeciles.
going to be
McGonagall: -killed, I hope.
Snape: Not likely.
late."
Snape: For which I would take great pleasure in humiliating and degrading you in front of your peers.
"I'm not going to class today," he said
McGonagall: How delightful; hopefully you’ll be expelled.
Snape: That’s about as likely as I and Peter Pettigrew becoming best friends.
, twirling the lid so fast it was just a blur.
McGonagall: Oh, gee, Severus. I wonder if he has super human powers or something.
Snape: I don’t know, Minerva. Why would you possibly think that?
"Why not?"
McGonagall: Because he fancies himself above the rules.
Snape: And, sadly, he is and we will be stuck listening to the bitch whine about how he isn’t there.
"It's healthy to ditch class now and then."
McGonagall: After all, a ditched class a day, keeps the doctor away…wait…that’s not the correct saying.
He smiled up at me,
Snape: Is he lying on the floor?
but his eyes were still troubled.
McGonagall: They had PTSD from the tragic blow torch incident.
"Well, I'm going
Snape: -to spend the entirety of biology whining about your absence.
," I told him. I was far too big a coward to risk getting caught.
McGonagall: Frankly, I’m astonished she’s not cutting with him, seeing as she can’t possibly do anything without him, the hopeless weakling.
He turned his attention back to his makeshift top. "I'll see you later, then."
Snape: I’m surprised he’s allowing her to go.
I hesitated, torn,
McGonagall: *heavy sigh* 27.
but then the first bell
Snape: *as Bella* -caused me to salivate.
sent me hurrying out the door - with a last glance confirming that he hadn't moved a centimeter.
McGonagall: Grow a backbone, you hopeless nitwit. 28.
As I half-ran to class, my head was spinning faster than the bottle cap.
Snape: Do you see that, Minerva? The bottle cap was spinning fast, almost as if a super-human force had been applied to it!
McGonagall: You don’t say, Severus? How do you know?
So few questions had been answered in comparison to how many new questions had been raised.
Snape: I have a question, why aren’t you going to the authorities about the copious amount of veiled threats he made towards you?
At least the rain had stopped.
McGonagall: If only she was composed entirely of sugar and would melt in the rain.
I was lucky;
Snape: No, you’re universe was tailored to accommodate your every whim. You could’ve tap-danced on the Headmasters desk, wearing nothing but pasties and a thong, while twirling batons and chanting about cutting school and they would not have done a damn thing.
McGonagall: *sarcastically* Thank you for the charming imagery, Severus.
Snape: *sarcastically* No need to thank me, Minerva, I did this out of the kindness of my heart.
Mr. Banner wasn't in the room yet when I arrived.
McGonagall: Because even he caters to the Sue.
I settled quickly into
Snape: -a pit of filled with one meter long spikes.
my seat, aware that both Mike and Angela were staring at me.
McGonagall: *rolls eyes* Of course. I’m sure they’re both madly in love with her despite her transparent skin and obvious personality disorder.
Mike looked resentful
Snape: *as Bella* He was sharpening a machete while glaring at Edward and I. For some reason, I had a feeling that he was angry.
; Angela looked surprised, and slightly awed.
McGonagall: That is unbelievable. As professors, Severus and I know how student social interaction works -
Snape: Unfortunately.
McGonagall: Anyway, my point being that students who are as snotty as the Cullens are not worshiped. If you sat with them, other students would think you were just as big an asshole as they were. At the very least they would wonder what the hell you were doing.
Snape: In all actuality, Angela is wondering how someone that dense survived that long.
Mr. Banner came
McGonagall: *as Bella* -to his senses and murdered both myself and Edward using only a stapler.
in the room then, calling the class to order.
Snape: *as Umbridge* I will have order!
He was juggling
McGonagall: -three apples, an orange, and one very large pineapple.
a few small
Snape: -rodents.
cardboard boxes in his arms.
McGonagall: Why in Merlin’s name was he juggling them? Wouldn’t it have been easier to just carry them? And how is he juggling with his arms? Aren’t you supposed to use your hands? Who the hell doesn’t know what the word juggling means?
Snape: Apparently, Meyer.