July 6th, Monday, 9:56 P.M., a coat room in the London Pavilion

[johnwlennon]

I found a coat room outside the back exit of the theater, before the lobby. I turned the handle, happy to find it open. I went inside, flipping on a light switch. I wrapped my arms around myself, weighing my options. To come right out with what I was feeling? Or gently tell Paul what was bothering me

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[johnwlennon]

"I DO believe you, Paul. I do. I know that you regret it, I know... I know... that's not the problem. I am the problem. The fact that it haunts everything I fucking do... I just couldn't hold it in anymore, I wanted you to know. I need--"

What did I need? There was nothing he, or anyone else, could provide to make the jealousy go away. George. That fucking git. Did he know about me and Paul when he... or did Paul not say anything until after they... or did George know the whole time and STILL...

All these questions, and I was afraid of the answers. Did he still think of George? Even a little? It was obvious who he wanted to be with, me, that wasn't the problem.

Was I just scared because I knew what Brian meant to me and I thought that maybe Paul could have similar feelings toward George?

Wait a minute. I didn't feel anything for Brian. Brian was the romantic equivalent of eating choclate cake while you're on a strict diet. You know you shouldn't do it, it does nothing good for you, but you indulge because for a little bit it makes you feel good. Cake, huh? My mind flashed back to George asking me if I had my cake back. Anger flared within me again. Talking to me like he hadn't been with Paul. Acting like everything was great. And then he was touching Brian-- but Brian meant nothing to me. He was nothing to me.

I closed my eyes. It hurt. I was so... full of... everything. And it was too much.

"I'm sorry, Paul. I just... wanted you to be aware of what I'm going through. It's everywhere I go, it's everything I see. What Brian did-- I mean-- what George did--"

Brian? Why had HIS name come out? I was so jumbled up and confused. I wanted to disappear. Go to sleep and never wake up. Whichever was easier. My hand fell on top of Paul's on my shoulder, his warmth comforting. I wish I understood him and why he... stuck by me. I didn't understand...

But he had moved on, initially, to George. And even though they hadn't worked out... perhaps they could have... what if that had happened? I couldn't bear to think about it. Things in my head were getting worse and worse. I thought that by telling Paul I would feel a little better.

It was just getting bigger in my head. And I couldn't find a way out.

[jamesmacca]

He said Brian. Freudian slip?

"What's with you and Brian?" I asked, regretting it almost immediately. I should be comforting John, but damn it, if there was something going on and he wasn't telling me...

"Fuck, I don't care. Damn it John, I don't want to play this fucking game of jealousy. I want you. I don't want George. He means the world to me, he does, but you have nothing to worry about. I love him as a friend." I slipped my arm across his shoulders. "And you've only known for a day..." I placed a chaste kiss to his temple. "This is all moving really fast. Give it time, okay love?"

[johnwlennon]

He didn't care? Guilt surged through me. I cared. I cared way too much about him and George. Maybe I shouldn't... maybe I was being stupid and childish. But... it ate at me. Like a constant toothache that wouldn't go away...

"Nothing's going on with Brian, anyway. And... I know you love me. I know George is just your friend. I know that. I just can't get past the thought that at one, well... two times, he was more than that. It's just.. fucking me up! I'm sorry. I'm just," I sighed heavily, stepping closer into his embrace, dropping my head onto his shoulder, my forehead against his neck, "sorry I'm like this. I get jealous so easily and it won't go away."

My arm slipped around him and I pulled him into a full-on hug, my face buried in the soft warm skin of his neck and the smooth fabric on his shoulder.

"Just stick in there with me, okay? It's gonna take a lot of time. I just wanted you to know... so if I act weird, or mad, or something... it's probably just... that THAT is on my mind again."

[jamesmacca]

I wrapped my arms around his neck, sighing into his hair.

"I'll stick with you John, you can't get rid of me. Just, don't get mad at George, okay? He didn't do anything wrong." I paused for a moment, holding him close to me and kissing his head.

"What was that whole thing in the theater about, tough? It looked like you did something to Brian to piss him off."

[johnwlennon]

I sighed.

"I can't promise I won't get mad at George. It's not so much anger.. as... jealousy, I guess. Just the sight of him makes me so angry... I could just..." I laughed to myself. "And as for Eppy, well...I'm so mad at him for, and this is going to sound stupid, for keeping what you and George were doing a secret... he's supposed to be my friend. He knew about it, I asked him point-blank about it, and he protected George. Wouldn't tell me. I still can't get over that. I thought I meant more than that to Eppy. I thought I meant more to him than George."

That sounded so... childish. Like a child whose father was favoring a sibling and the child was pouting about it for days. But I was angry. Beyond belief.

[jamesmacca]

That didn't really answer my question. Why would he bring that up during the movie?

"Brian is our manager, John. Just because he fancies you doesn't mean that he would tell you something like that. I can't believe you would expect him to put you over George and I." I pressed a kiss through his hair.

That was such a childish thing to be angry about, but yet so John. He truly did get upset over the stupidest things.

I knew there was something else that happened today, something else that John wasn't telling me. I didn't want to start a fight though. Maybe George would tell me, he seemed to be involved...

[johnwlennon]

I frowned. Of course Brian would favor me over he and George! What made him think Brian wouldn't? Did Brian have things going on with other guys in the band? I had a good idea something was going on between he and George now, but... had it been happening before? And why was that making me steadily more angry? Wasn't I special to ANYONE?

I leaned back from Paul, looking him in the face. "Call me a selfish bastard, but I feel better thinking Eppy favors me over everyone else. Isn't that sick?" I laughed, making a twisted face, trying to make it seem like a light-hearted joke... when it was the absolute truth.

I remembered being so angry that George had gone to Eppy, circumventing me, to talk about a personal problem... that had bothered me a lot. I hadn't liked that at all. George was overstepping a hell of a lot of boundaries lately. I felt a strong urge to put him in his place...

"I'll try not to think about it as much, okay? It's not going to happen, but maybe you'll feel better hearing I'll try..." I kissed him with a smile, keeping the tone light.

I hadn't intended to worry him or anything. I just wanted him to know what I was going through. How much he had hurt me without even meaning to... Was I being selfish? Sure... but... I honestly saw no other way to be.

I gave him a brief kiss, smiling at the smacking sound when our lips parted. I rubbed my finger along his nose playfully.

"I'll try for you, Macca. I will."

[jamesmacca]

"Good." I smiled, kissing him softly.

"You know," I started, resting my forehead against his, "I'm so sorry I hurt you. I never meant to." I kissed his nose, his cheek, then moved my head so I could kiss his neck. "I love you, Johnny." I did, and I hoped how much I meant it. Even if he was keeping something from me.

I would find out eventually, if George couldn't tell me.

[george_harri_22]

I looked around and huffed. I had to think like John. Wheer would John go if he wanted a quiet word with Paul? Bathrooms wouldn't work, outside the theatre was a definite no. I walked around and saw a theatre attendant putting away cleaning supplies in a closet.

'That's it!' I htought. Where do they keep the customers coats? Those things were usually roomy enough for a chat or something filthy. I asked the atendee where the coat room was and he pointed out another door. I nodded and quickly walked to it.

I looked around and put my door to the knob. No one was looking, so I took a breath and turned the knob.

[johnwlennon]

Was the doorknob turning? FUCK! I gasped and jumped back from Paul, for fear of being caught in his arms. How were we going to explain being in a closet together at our movie premiere? Hopefully it wasn't a rabid fan, or someone who would love to spread rumors to all the gossip columns. That's JUST what we needed...

But, wait... it was just George.

GEORGE!??!?!?!?!?

WHAT THE HELL WAS HE DOING THERE!?!??!?!!??!

[jamesmacca]

I turned, my eyes wide as I hoped it wasn't a fan or reporter.

"George?" I asked, relieved.

Just the sight of him makes me so angry... I could just...

I grabbed John's hand and moved closer to him, hoping I could prevent any kind of fight.

[george_harri_22]

I gave them a sarcastic grin and shut the door behind me. I leaned against it and crossed my arms. Well wasn't this nice.

"So, coat closet. Fancy meeting you two in a closet. Would've never guessed, if I hadn't known already." I said.

I looked at John and stared. Giving him a minute to adjust to the shock of having me walk in. God, I wanted to hit him, but the shocked expression was doing a little something for my pride. I glanced at Paul; his hand clasped around John's. Aww, isn't that sweet? Trying to kep John from lashing out at me I suspect. I guess he wasn't expecting me to throw the first punch. Maybe I wouldn't, yet.

"Happy to see me?" They just stared. "No? 'Spect you wouldn't be. You know we're going to have it out sometime, John. Might as well do it now when noone's looking and can't interfere. Maybe you should leave Paul."

When Paul just shook his head I decided to try another tactic. Get John riled up a little more and I knew it wouldn't take much. By the look in his eye, wether Paul was working to keep him calm or not, he wasn't far from the edge.

"What was that all about in there, John? That litle fit you threw in the movie was really dandy." I asked.

He'd be worried I was going to say something about the incident with Brian and I wanted him on edge.

[johnwlennon]

Heh. We were in a closet... I could appreciate that, him trying to be humorous. But it did nothing to quell the insatiable desire to pummel him into the ground. He was standing there, smug, suave, cool... what a cocky motherfucker. I stepped toward him, but Paul had taken my hand. Paul. He wouldn't want us to fight. He cherished everyone's friendships so much... I tried to breathe. I tried to calm down. But it hurt way too much to bear. Maybe he didn't understand the intensity with which he had wrecked my life. I could hardly look at Paul anymore without imagining whether or not he called out George's name during sex, or who was on top, or how the act had unfolded. It wasn't fair. And he either didn't realize it, or didn't care. And either way, I was thoroughly pissed off.

Was he PROVIKING me? Was Paul hearing the same conversation I was hearing? I stared at him, unsure what to make of it. He must be joking. Yeah, Paul, leave, I thought bitterly to myself, this could get VERY ugly.

But then he did it. He insinuated that he wa ready and willing to explain EXACTLY what had been going on in the vicinity of Brian's groin during the movie. He wouldn't... would he? That fucker! I angrily started toward him, good and ready to punch his lights out. Wipe that smirky grin off his fucking face.

"You better be glad that's all I fucking did in that theater, you fucking arsehole!" I growled, getting close, but not quite, into his personal space. "I'm tired of you riding on my coat tails every God damned where, George. Your on my last nerve, I wouldn't fucking push it."

[jamesmacca]

Why was George so angry? He was fucking provoking John!

I stared at them both, confused, before butting in. "What the hell, George? What's going on? The both of ya need to calm down. And, no, I'm not leaving so you two can have it out over something stupid." I squeezed John's hand, my thumb running over his skin.

[george_harri_22]

I tilted my head as I looked at Paul. I really did feel bad for him. I'm pretty sure John's still cheating on him and he doesn't know. Sadly, it isn't my place to tell him. John needs to do that on his own and it doesn't need to have anything to do with me. I was there for Paul once and I can't do that anymore. It doesn't help him and it doesn't help me. I just can't get dragged back into that cycle. But why John feels he can take the little bit I had with Brian WHILE he's back with Paul and professing undying love is beyond me. I'm just done.

"You really should go, Paul. It'd be best." I said and my gaze fell back to John.

"I'm on your last nerve?" I stepped away from the door and stood directly in front of him. I could make out the small hairs of his eyelashes we were so close.

"That's good, Lennon. Because I'm counting on it." I waited.
If John didn't hit me now, he never would.

[johnwlennon]

"You fucker!" I snarled through gritted teeth.

My hands flew to his chest and I shoved him, hard. So hard that he bounced, literally bounced, off the door behind him, nearly colliding with me on his return trip. I stepped back. If Paul didn't want me to fight him, I was going to try my damndest NOT to do so. But George was REALLY pushing it. I could feel it rising in me like a tidal wave... I was angry... and there was no changing that now.

I stood there, breathing heavily, fighting every instinct in my body to continue my assault.

"Why the fuck do you want to fight me so bad, Harrison? What the hell did I do to you? I can think of a million reasons I'd have to kick your ass... but what's your beef with me?" I asked, my voice straining through my heavy breathing.

It really was taking everything I had not to rip apart the lead guitarist of the bloody Beatles. If only our fans could see us now...

For hurting Paul? Was that why he wanted to fight me? Did he still want Paul as more than the friend Paul saw him as? For fucking with Brian in the theater, was that why? I couldn't figure it out... I hadn't done anything directly to George Harrison to make him so keen on fighting me. He had ruined me... taken from me the one thing I had that made me... whole.

Paul.

He had... ruined that for me. For forever? Right now... it felt like it could very well be forever that I was mentally comparing myself to George. Wondering if Paul did the very same thing. It wasn't fair. And he wanted to fight ME? Fuck him. I'd fight him... but Paul didn't want me to...

So I stood there. Shaking with anger.