I ams as robots, I ams goings tos gos tos thes shops ands buys somes feelings...
I am... a bit... fine, actually. Too fine. So much awfulness in my family, and everybody (especially my nan) is so upset about everything. But I don't care. Emotionally. I genuinely can't bring myself to give a rat's ass. Which I know is awful, but I don't feel awful about it either. I guess that's what a high daily dose of SSRI is for. I've never been on pills for this long before, and I always had this worry about losing my ability to feel, but... it's good. It's just taken the painful, negative feelings away. It never crossed my mind that this could be a good thing, and that if I didn't have any negative feelings anyway I wouldn't care. Haha.
Seriously though - I like this. I actually have no feelings apart from boredom and pleasure. Which is amazing. I can sympathise and empathise as normal, but it's all just from my head and what I've learned about life, and not from my heart/soul/entire being. And now I'm thinking, oh man - I've always been like that really. Like, have I always just got sad for myself? I've always been really, really self-centred. I know I've been sad for others in the past, but I got over it. I can't remember it. It's just for just a little while, then I shut the door. If that makes sense. I used to think people did that to me and it made me depressed and not willing to make friends with anybody because hey what's the point if they don't really feel for me... but really it was me doing that to everybody else. Me, me, me. If someone's upset, I'll get the wave of feeling that says, 'If that was me, how would I feel?' And the cheeky voice in my head goes, 'Pretty shit, but look the sun's out, you're fabulous, there's money in your wallet and it's not you, so go and be awesome somewhere.'
What a bitch.
I've only ever pleased myself, and I swan about living my own life in my own world every single day. I told my dad that people think I'm really kind and there for everyone and what-have-you but I'm actually a really selfish person. My nan always asks me if I get lonely spending so much time on my own but I really don't, I have Me and that's good enough. I have great friends all of whom I try to see once a week at the least, and that's also good enough. I don't do intimacy, I don't do problems, I don't want to deal with any of the harsh bollocks life throws at humans, I just want to be frivolous and shallow so fuck off with all your emo. I'll play along with being social and polite and considerate. I don't pretend exactly, I just go through the motions and behave like I should. What's expected of me. If I could behave exactly as I wanted right now, I would probably go about singing and dancing all the time, drawing attention to myself and have everybody only talk about me. The only thing stopping me from doing it is a little bit of cerebral concern for other people and their feelings. Its all hilariousness, because Dr G did tell me that pills won't make me jump out of bed in the morning singing 'the hills are alive with the sound of music'. (Mind you I often did that in my lowest moods anyway.) I'm naturally quite narcissistic; I get bored when people are around me and I'm not the topic of conversation. It's so childish. Maybe it's because I'm an eldest child! I think of stories that have happened to me so that I can entertain people by talking about myself. I've always been like that, but now... even more so. Lol.
I still talk to other people about themselves, even strangers - I go about and chat to people randomly in shops, ask them how they are and pay little attention to the reply because they inevitably say, 'Fine thanks!' and that's it... I know that's normal, I'm sure most people generally swan about and do what they want to do and don't spare another thought for small talk. I guess that's why small talk is small talk! Maybe it was just me that was wrong before - I used to emote and worry and obsess about everything, to the point of depression. Maybe it's good to have the ability to close the door on other people's feelings.
Now, depression - diligaf? Which is fantastic. But when a friend or someone close needs consoling I'm useless. I do the *hugs* and the xxx and that, and while I know in my brain that I DO CARE about those guys, and would probably fall apart if they weren't in my life (again, that's a selfish point of view right there, oh god this is lame I should stfu and stop analysing myself)... I can't actually feel anything. I know I probably shouldn't be so blasé about saying that pubicly because I probably won't have any friends left soon. But I don't know. I know I care about them. I know the feelings are still inside me somewhere. If something really bad has happened to someone, I'll be like, 'Oh shit, that sucks,' feel sad for about a second and then block it out and find something fun to do. I know I should feel guilty about that, but I just don't. When I think about what it feels like to be able to feel, I just think of misery. All I can feel now is boredom or HAPPYHAPPYJOYJOY. Is it really happiness, or did I just emote too much before? Is this how people feel all the time and is this just plain sailing, as it were? Who even knows. I ain't even bovvered. I'm stuck in the doldrums but it's party city and the weather's lovely, thank you very much. My brain tells me I should apologise for that but if I did there'd be no sentiment behind it.
Seriously though - I like this. I actually have no feelings apart from boredom and pleasure. Which is amazing. I can sympathise and empathise as normal, but it's all just from my head and what I've learned about life, and not from my heart/soul/entire being. And now I'm thinking, oh man - I've always been like that really. Like, have I always just got sad for myself? I've always been really, really self-centred. I know I've been sad for others in the past, but I got over it. I can't remember it. It's just for just a little while, then I shut the door. If that makes sense. I used to think people did that to me and it made me depressed and not willing to make friends with anybody because hey what's the point if they don't really feel for me... but really it was me doing that to everybody else. Me, me, me. If someone's upset, I'll get the wave of feeling that says, 'If that was me, how would I feel?' And the cheeky voice in my head goes, 'Pretty shit, but look the sun's out, you're fabulous, there's money in your wallet and it's not you, so go and be awesome somewhere.'
What a bitch.
I've only ever pleased myself, and I swan about living my own life in my own world every single day. I told my dad that people think I'm really kind and there for everyone and what-have-you but I'm actually a really selfish person. My nan always asks me if I get lonely spending so much time on my own but I really don't, I have Me and that's good enough. I have great friends all of whom I try to see once a week at the least, and that's also good enough. I don't do intimacy, I don't do problems, I don't want to deal with any of the harsh bollocks life throws at humans, I just want to be frivolous and shallow so fuck off with all your emo. I'll play along with being social and polite and considerate. I don't pretend exactly, I just go through the motions and behave like I should. What's expected of me. If I could behave exactly as I wanted right now, I would probably go about singing and dancing all the time, drawing attention to myself and have everybody only talk about me. The only thing stopping me from doing it is a little bit of cerebral concern for other people and their feelings. Its all hilariousness, because Dr G did tell me that pills won't make me jump out of bed in the morning singing 'the hills are alive with the sound of music'. (Mind you I often did that in my lowest moods anyway.) I'm naturally quite narcissistic; I get bored when people are around me and I'm not the topic of conversation. It's so childish. Maybe it's because I'm an eldest child! I think of stories that have happened to me so that I can entertain people by talking about myself. I've always been like that, but now... even more so. Lol.
I still talk to other people about themselves, even strangers - I go about and chat to people randomly in shops, ask them how they are and pay little attention to the reply because they inevitably say, 'Fine thanks!' and that's it... I know that's normal, I'm sure most people generally swan about and do what they want to do and don't spare another thought for small talk. I guess that's why small talk is small talk! Maybe it was just me that was wrong before - I used to emote and worry and obsess about everything, to the point of depression. Maybe it's good to have the ability to close the door on other people's feelings.
Now, depression - diligaf? Which is fantastic. But when a friend or someone close needs consoling I'm useless. I do the *hugs* and the xxx and that, and while I know in my brain that I DO CARE about those guys, and would probably fall apart if they weren't in my life (again, that's a selfish point of view right there, oh god this is lame I should stfu and stop analysing myself)... I can't actually feel anything. I know I probably shouldn't be so blasé about saying that pubicly because I probably won't have any friends left soon. But I don't know. I know I care about them. I know the feelings are still inside me somewhere. If something really bad has happened to someone, I'll be like, 'Oh shit, that sucks,' feel sad for about a second and then block it out and find something fun to do. I know I should feel guilty about that, but I just don't. When I think about what it feels like to be able to feel, I just think of misery. All I can feel now is boredom or HAPPYHAPPYJOYJOY. Is it really happiness, or did I just emote too much before? Is this how people feel all the time and is this just plain sailing, as it were? Who even knows. I ain't even bovvered. I'm stuck in the doldrums but it's party city and the weather's lovely, thank you very much. My brain tells me I should apologise for that but if I did there'd be no sentiment behind it.