TMI brain blurb and Merry Christmas!
Hmm. I've tried not to dwell on the emobeef this time, so this is just a quick... thing Idk. I went to the doc's on Christmas Eve Eve, and he said to come back in another two weeks to discuss coming off these mood stabilisers he put me on a couple of weeks ago 'cause I feel less FLAAARGHARGH now (apart from the fact that I can easily fall asleep at any time, wtf.) So, after a few months of FLAAARGHARGH, it seems that a single month of pills has sorted me out? I really hope so. Maybe it was just a blip. I have found that the break from the interwebs I've imposed on myself quite by chance over these last couple of weeks has really helped too. I have been so busy doing the show and planning for Christmas and running around and being social argh and planning parties and trying to adjust to these pills and NOT FALL ASLEEP ARGH, that I haven't had time for many internets and data and information and self-obsession and doubt and hatred and superiority and inferiority and despair and whirly thoughts and insomnia, and my brain has kind of chillaxed and STFU'd.
Which is good...?
:/
Except that I seem to have lost all enthusiasm for pretty much everything that isn't just... getting-on-with-life sort of stuff, and I feel a bit empty tbh. I feel like I've dropped a couple of IQ points, if I ever had any. It's like I've gone from not being able to concentrate on a paragraph because my brain is rushing to get ahead because it wants to know what's going to happen next, to not being able to concentrate on a paragraph because, like, s'the point?
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh
Of course, I'm grateful that I can get on with life at all, I just wish it wasn't always one or the other. It feels like I have the choice between staying pill-free and being slightly whirlythinky, twitchy and anxious or sluggish, stagnant and wishing I was just a speck of dust (or both at once which is THE WRONGEST thing to experience EVER), or take pills that make me tired and get by as a bit of a shell; passionless and boring. It would be nice to find a middle ground? I dunno. As long as I don't ever fall as low as I did in 2006 again, I can cope with anything really. Hoping it was a blip. Dr G keeps saying 'have hope'. I has it. I still need to find all those songs and the series of novels that I know are in there somewhere.
ANYWAY.
A great Christmas was had by all of us! Busy, relaxing, tiring, no drama, no illness (apart from Nan's pleurisy, but she's alright now). Very happy. Lots of quality time with my growing family. Lots of bonding with my nieces - I kissed Stevie's soft, smiley little cheeks all weekend. I talked and talked with Dhana while she watched in awe as Chinese lanterns went 'up and up and up into the night-time' and got 'OH NO! STUCK IN THE TREES!' I love those little girls so much I am actually welling up, thinking about their faces. Also - Rattler cider? Recommended. :)
Which is good...?
:/
Except that I seem to have lost all enthusiasm for pretty much everything that isn't just... getting-on-with-life sort of stuff, and I feel a bit empty tbh. I feel like I've dropped a couple of IQ points, if I ever had any. It's like I've gone from not being able to concentrate on a paragraph because my brain is rushing to get ahead because it wants to know what's going to happen next, to not being able to concentrate on a paragraph because, like, s'the point?
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh
Of course, I'm grateful that I can get on with life at all, I just wish it wasn't always one or the other. It feels like I have the choice between staying pill-free and being slightly whirlythinky, twitchy and anxious or sluggish, stagnant and wishing I was just a speck of dust (or both at once which is THE WRONGEST thing to experience EVER), or take pills that make me tired and get by as a bit of a shell; passionless and boring. It would be nice to find a middle ground? I dunno. As long as I don't ever fall as low as I did in 2006 again, I can cope with anything really. Hoping it was a blip. Dr G keeps saying 'have hope'. I has it. I still need to find all those songs and the series of novels that I know are in there somewhere.
ANYWAY.
A great Christmas was had by all of us! Busy, relaxing, tiring, no drama, no illness (apart from Nan's pleurisy, but she's alright now). Very happy. Lots of quality time with my growing family. Lots of bonding with my nieces - I kissed Stevie's soft, smiley little cheeks all weekend. I talked and talked with Dhana while she watched in awe as Chinese lanterns went 'up and up and up into the night-time' and got 'OH NO! STUCK IN THE TREES!' I love those little girls so much I am actually welling up, thinking about their faces. Also - Rattler cider? Recommended. :)