(no subject)
Last night I had another very lucid dream.
Dream
My life was exactly as it is now. I was married, living on my own, and still in college except that it was also my senior year in High School. High School was not going so well though. I had stopped attending classes for some reason. Now, in reality I have been out of High School for over 10 years and I am way to anal to skip class. I was freaking out because I realized that due to my irresponsibility I was not going to be graduating at my regular time. I figured that was more of a hassle then anything because I could probably complete my credits online over the summer. As I dreamt my frustration kept mounting to the point that I was getting very upset and kept having to talk myself down. Finally, I called my mother, but she couldn't talk because she was on the other line. She still had time to fly off the handle and start yelling at me for being so needy. She figured I wanted money. Again, strange because fortunately asking her for money isn't really an issue that we have. I was so angry at her because all I wanted was some reassurance and some advice. I screamed at her, "I don't need money. I only wanted to talk, but never mind." and hung up the phone. I was heading out to my computer to research my supplemental education options when I woke up. I was in reality, but it took me several minutes to really understand that I was no longer in High School and that I had in fact graduated. It was another one of those times where I had a lot of trouble separating my dreams from reality.
I had another dream that Kyle and I were living somewhere urban. I assume New York City because our neighbor was a very nice Japanese girl named Toshika. When I did live in New York 10 years ago I did have her as a neighbor. We had a door between out apartments that was kind of like a secret door. It was made of brick and an outsider wouldn't know it was there. We were having a huge party together. I was the main party planner and Toshika was pretty much just inviting people. However, when it was the day of the party something came up and I wasn't able to attend. I don't know where I went and the weird part was that I was still watching the party in an out of body sort of way. I will say it did look like a pretty awesome party. There were lots of people there, loud techno music, and bright lights. It was like our joint apartments had transformed into a night club. I did notice though that Toshika's apartment looked a lot cooler then mine because of our different decorating styles. She had a more industrial, modern feel to her space with exposed brick walls and high ceilings. My apartment had more of a homey feel with rich colors (reds and browns), finished drywall (except for the wall that the secret door was on, and dropped ceilings. Kyle and I physically came to the party just as things were winding down. There were not many people there still and a lot of people were sleeping around Toshika's apartment. We said hi to her and apologized for missing the festivities then went to bed. We slept for awhile and as we slept I was again out of my body; watching myself sleep and Toshika clean up and get ready for bed herself. I had to wake up early at 4 am. I'm not really sure why I was waking up, but I had something to do. When I woke I heard Toshika stirring on her side so I sleepily stumbled over to see her. She expressed sympathy for my early rising and offered to make me some breakfast which consisted of penne in a mushroom sauce. I must say it was delicious! Whatever I woke up to do; I didn't do. I just kind of waited for Kyle to wake up and when he did he was very upset because we had lost some things. The one thing we lost I can't remember right now, but it was something strange like a frying pan or an air mattress. The second thing, and this was what Kyle was really freaking out about, was a pack of cigarettes. I was irritated about this because Kyle was never a heavy smoker and because I didn't want cigarettes in the house since I am trying to quit. In my mind I did have resolve that if they were in the house I would not smoke them, but I still just didn't want to have them around. Kyle was showering and getting ready to head out to look for our lost items when I woke up.
Comments
I haven't written much lately and I should have because the past few days have been really hard. I think I am over the "Go me you can do this! You own this!" hump and the reality of not being a smoker is setting it. I guess I miss it because it has always been a way for me to cope with my anxiety, something to do when I am bored, a hunger suppressant, and time spent letting myself reset and think. Of course all of that can be replaced by something else. Deep breathes is helping more then anything, but when you are in the thick of one of these feelings it is hard not to think about my trusty old frienemy cigarettes. Also, I was away from home last weekend. I have found that withdraw is making me even more of a homebody. The first week I did everything I could to avoid leaving my house. I didn't even go to my college classes. I just did my work from home. The only place I would go was my mother in law's house to swim. We spent two days away and by the second night I was a bit of a mess. My anxiety was through the roof and I could not sleep. The restless of my body was back and I couldn't stay still. I felt the physical pain of my skin trying to detach itself from my body. I was thrashing all around the bed praying it would stop soon. I was very ready to go home the next day and once I was home it was much better. Luckily I don't have to travel again until the end of August.
As kind of a side note, I am really excited that Kyle and I are going to a 2 night 2 day West Coast Swing seminar in Cincinnati during the last week of August. West Coast is a really cool dance because while it is a ballroom dance it is also designed to be danced in night clubs and works with most of the get down, touch your toes crap that they play in clubs. So, learning it gives Kyle and I a way to dance when we are out that doesn't look like we are pathetically auditioning for a rap video. Right now we usually Cha-Cha or East Coast Swing/Lindy Hop to those types of songs, but the West Coast is more geared towards that scene. Anyway, part of the reason that I am excited is because we will be dancing all day for 2 days and I think I am going to have a lot better stamina due to the fact that I am not smoking. I am already seeing similar results during our weekly dance lessons and in our sex life. (Major bonus)
Another thing that has been hard lately is that Kyle and I have been fighting. When I am sad and frustrated I usually turn to cigarettes for comfort. Since I can't do that, deep breathes and reading my affirmations has had to suffice.
Yesterday I forgot to put my patch on before I went to school and that wasn't very fun. I was getting so frustrated and all of my scatter brainness was back. I was so edgy and my temper was on the brink. For awhile I couldn't figure out why but then I remembered that I had forgotten my patch. So, I guess they really do make a difference. Sometimes I think that maybe I don't need them anymore. I am wrong. I have to remember not to rock the boat and complete the program as it is designed because it is like that for a reason. I don't need to skip steps. Especially because, I am ashamed to say, that if someone would have offered me a cigarette I would have taken it. I already had it justified in my head that because I forgot my patch I could have one since I am not weened off the nicotine yet. Luckily I didn't have the opportunity and managed to maintain enough will power that I didn't buy any. Really, I didn't want to waste the money.
Dream
My life was exactly as it is now. I was married, living on my own, and still in college except that it was also my senior year in High School. High School was not going so well though. I had stopped attending classes for some reason. Now, in reality I have been out of High School for over 10 years and I am way to anal to skip class. I was freaking out because I realized that due to my irresponsibility I was not going to be graduating at my regular time. I figured that was more of a hassle then anything because I could probably complete my credits online over the summer. As I dreamt my frustration kept mounting to the point that I was getting very upset and kept having to talk myself down. Finally, I called my mother, but she couldn't talk because she was on the other line. She still had time to fly off the handle and start yelling at me for being so needy. She figured I wanted money. Again, strange because fortunately asking her for money isn't really an issue that we have. I was so angry at her because all I wanted was some reassurance and some advice. I screamed at her, "I don't need money. I only wanted to talk, but never mind." and hung up the phone. I was heading out to my computer to research my supplemental education options when I woke up. I was in reality, but it took me several minutes to really understand that I was no longer in High School and that I had in fact graduated. It was another one of those times where I had a lot of trouble separating my dreams from reality.
I had another dream that Kyle and I were living somewhere urban. I assume New York City because our neighbor was a very nice Japanese girl named Toshika. When I did live in New York 10 years ago I did have her as a neighbor. We had a door between out apartments that was kind of like a secret door. It was made of brick and an outsider wouldn't know it was there. We were having a huge party together. I was the main party planner and Toshika was pretty much just inviting people. However, when it was the day of the party something came up and I wasn't able to attend. I don't know where I went and the weird part was that I was still watching the party in an out of body sort of way. I will say it did look like a pretty awesome party. There were lots of people there, loud techno music, and bright lights. It was like our joint apartments had transformed into a night club. I did notice though that Toshika's apartment looked a lot cooler then mine because of our different decorating styles. She had a more industrial, modern feel to her space with exposed brick walls and high ceilings. My apartment had more of a homey feel with rich colors (reds and browns), finished drywall (except for the wall that the secret door was on, and dropped ceilings. Kyle and I physically came to the party just as things were winding down. There were not many people there still and a lot of people were sleeping around Toshika's apartment. We said hi to her and apologized for missing the festivities then went to bed. We slept for awhile and as we slept I was again out of my body; watching myself sleep and Toshika clean up and get ready for bed herself. I had to wake up early at 4 am. I'm not really sure why I was waking up, but I had something to do. When I woke I heard Toshika stirring on her side so I sleepily stumbled over to see her. She expressed sympathy for my early rising and offered to make me some breakfast which consisted of penne in a mushroom sauce. I must say it was delicious! Whatever I woke up to do; I didn't do. I just kind of waited for Kyle to wake up and when he did he was very upset because we had lost some things. The one thing we lost I can't remember right now, but it was something strange like a frying pan or an air mattress. The second thing, and this was what Kyle was really freaking out about, was a pack of cigarettes. I was irritated about this because Kyle was never a heavy smoker and because I didn't want cigarettes in the house since I am trying to quit. In my mind I did have resolve that if they were in the house I would not smoke them, but I still just didn't want to have them around. Kyle was showering and getting ready to head out to look for our lost items when I woke up.
Comments
I haven't written much lately and I should have because the past few days have been really hard. I think I am over the "Go me you can do this! You own this!" hump and the reality of not being a smoker is setting it. I guess I miss it because it has always been a way for me to cope with my anxiety, something to do when I am bored, a hunger suppressant, and time spent letting myself reset and think. Of course all of that can be replaced by something else. Deep breathes is helping more then anything, but when you are in the thick of one of these feelings it is hard not to think about my trusty old frienemy cigarettes. Also, I was away from home last weekend. I have found that withdraw is making me even more of a homebody. The first week I did everything I could to avoid leaving my house. I didn't even go to my college classes. I just did my work from home. The only place I would go was my mother in law's house to swim. We spent two days away and by the second night I was a bit of a mess. My anxiety was through the roof and I could not sleep. The restless of my body was back and I couldn't stay still. I felt the physical pain of my skin trying to detach itself from my body. I was thrashing all around the bed praying it would stop soon. I was very ready to go home the next day and once I was home it was much better. Luckily I don't have to travel again until the end of August.
As kind of a side note, I am really excited that Kyle and I are going to a 2 night 2 day West Coast Swing seminar in Cincinnati during the last week of August. West Coast is a really cool dance because while it is a ballroom dance it is also designed to be danced in night clubs and works with most of the get down, touch your toes crap that they play in clubs. So, learning it gives Kyle and I a way to dance when we are out that doesn't look like we are pathetically auditioning for a rap video. Right now we usually Cha-Cha or East Coast Swing/Lindy Hop to those types of songs, but the West Coast is more geared towards that scene. Anyway, part of the reason that I am excited is because we will be dancing all day for 2 days and I think I am going to have a lot better stamina due to the fact that I am not smoking. I am already seeing similar results during our weekly dance lessons and in our sex life. (Major bonus)
Another thing that has been hard lately is that Kyle and I have been fighting. When I am sad and frustrated I usually turn to cigarettes for comfort. Since I can't do that, deep breathes and reading my affirmations has had to suffice.
Yesterday I forgot to put my patch on before I went to school and that wasn't very fun. I was getting so frustrated and all of my scatter brainness was back. I was so edgy and my temper was on the brink. For awhile I couldn't figure out why but then I remembered that I had forgotten my patch. So, I guess they really do make a difference. Sometimes I think that maybe I don't need them anymore. I am wrong. I have to remember not to rock the boat and complete the program as it is designed because it is like that for a reason. I don't need to skip steps. Especially because, I am ashamed to say, that if someone would have offered me a cigarette I would have taken it. I already had it justified in my head that because I forgot my patch I could have one since I am not weened off the nicotine yet. Luckily I didn't have the opportunity and managed to maintain enough will power that I didn't buy any. Really, I didn't want to waste the money.