(no subject)
I just wrote a whole other entry, but this seemed more.... important?
I just realized that I never do anything to be the Best at it.
I was in Ballet because that's what little girls do, they want to be ballerinas and so they dance around on their toes. But I never cared about the mechanics of it. I didn't really want to be a ballerina. I wanted to dance around in a room with mirrors on the wall. I wanted to dance around and shake my little butt and show off to all the other girls who didn't move like that.
I was on the Swim Team, but I didn't care about winning races. There were all these practices where I didn't care if I finished the exercise before anyone else. In fact, I was generally really behind other girls, and I'd cheat and just move on to the next thing because that's what everyone else was on. I just wanted to swim. I loved swimming. It was so much fun. I'll lie in my bathtub and wish I was in a swimming pool and could move around freely and splash and play. I didn't care about winning meets. I actually hated meets because I'd only get to swim a couple of heats. I just wanted to swim, I didn't care about anything else.
I hated anything competitive because I was NOT a competitive person.
I did things because I liked them and didn't do things because I didn't like them. It was REALLY that simple for me.
I think that's why it's so hard for me to figure out what I want to do with my life. Because I don't want to be the best at something. I just want to do something I love, and be happy.
Okay... it's not that I don't want to be the best, it's that I don't NEED to be the best. I could be the best, that would be great. But I don't mind not being the best.
I liked theatre so much because it was so much fun.
I enjoyed building things - I wasn't awesome at it, but I could put something together if someone told me how.
I loved painting. Painting was the most fun for me.
That's why I used to think about doing interior design - because I could apply it toward set design.
I don't really agree with someone hiring another person to design their home because really the designer isn't the person who's going to live there.
I think an interior designer should help a home-owner figure out how THEY want to design their space without telling them how they SHOULD design it.
But a set designer is designing it for themselves, for the show, but it's not for someone other than to show the director.
In classes I always thought to myself, "I could be the best if I did this homework and actually read this chapter, but I'd rather go ride my bike, or play this game, or watch that TV show".
That's why I didn't mind getting bad grades, because I knew I could do better.
I feel bad for the people who tried so hard and still couldn't do it.
I was in classes with those people because I didn't try.
I think I was happier because I did more fun things than homework.
Anyways. It was an odd realization I just had.
But it's also what's stood in the way of everything for the past 3 years.
Didn't need to be the best at musical theatre - so my audition went poorly and I didn't make the Musical Theatre Program at WMU. And with any audition.
I didn't know what I was doing - in auditions, I just wanted to be a part of the production, because that was the fun part.
I don't NEED to be on Broadway, but that seemed to be the only way to make Musical Theatre a practical career choice. But I also couldn't be on Broadway because I'm not the best. I just want to be in shows.
I just realized that I never do anything to be the Best at it.
I was in Ballet because that's what little girls do, they want to be ballerinas and so they dance around on their toes. But I never cared about the mechanics of it. I didn't really want to be a ballerina. I wanted to dance around in a room with mirrors on the wall. I wanted to dance around and shake my little butt and show off to all the other girls who didn't move like that.
I was on the Swim Team, but I didn't care about winning races. There were all these practices where I didn't care if I finished the exercise before anyone else. In fact, I was generally really behind other girls, and I'd cheat and just move on to the next thing because that's what everyone else was on. I just wanted to swim. I loved swimming. It was so much fun. I'll lie in my bathtub and wish I was in a swimming pool and could move around freely and splash and play. I didn't care about winning meets. I actually hated meets because I'd only get to swim a couple of heats. I just wanted to swim, I didn't care about anything else.
I hated anything competitive because I was NOT a competitive person.
I did things because I liked them and didn't do things because I didn't like them. It was REALLY that simple for me.
I think that's why it's so hard for me to figure out what I want to do with my life. Because I don't want to be the best at something. I just want to do something I love, and be happy.
Okay... it's not that I don't want to be the best, it's that I don't NEED to be the best. I could be the best, that would be great. But I don't mind not being the best.
I liked theatre so much because it was so much fun.
I enjoyed building things - I wasn't awesome at it, but I could put something together if someone told me how.
I loved painting. Painting was the most fun for me.
That's why I used to think about doing interior design - because I could apply it toward set design.
I don't really agree with someone hiring another person to design their home because really the designer isn't the person who's going to live there.
I think an interior designer should help a home-owner figure out how THEY want to design their space without telling them how they SHOULD design it.
But a set designer is designing it for themselves, for the show, but it's not for someone other than to show the director.
In classes I always thought to myself, "I could be the best if I did this homework and actually read this chapter, but I'd rather go ride my bike, or play this game, or watch that TV show".
That's why I didn't mind getting bad grades, because I knew I could do better.
I feel bad for the people who tried so hard and still couldn't do it.
I was in classes with those people because I didn't try.
I think I was happier because I did more fun things than homework.
Anyways. It was an odd realization I just had.
But it's also what's stood in the way of everything for the past 3 years.
Didn't need to be the best at musical theatre - so my audition went poorly and I didn't make the Musical Theatre Program at WMU. And with any audition.
I didn't know what I was doing - in auditions, I just wanted to be a part of the production, because that was the fun part.
I don't NEED to be on Broadway, but that seemed to be the only way to make Musical Theatre a practical career choice. But I also couldn't be on Broadway because I'm not the best. I just want to be in shows.