(no subject)

[theatrebethie]

i havent written in ages...i guess i kind of lost interest in the whole internet blog thing. i dont think anybody really read my journal anyways. so i guess this entry is strictly my not having any other way to express how i am feeling right now. ive been back at elon for over two months. things were going really well, i guess, and i was happy being back. but, lately things just seem to be going downhill. i mean, my grades are fine and im healthy, but i just feel like im not as happy here as i used to be. maybe it's just a phase or something, but i honestly feel like i dont want to be here. i just had fall break. i went home for four days. it was the happiest ive been in a long time. i feel like i dont even want to hang out with my elon friends anymore. sometimes i feel like people just dont understand me and i come off the wrong way. my friends, with the exception of a few are all so into themselves and their own stupid lives. i dont feel encouraged or uplifted by anyone but maybe liz and bobby. i dont think i should be feeling this way, and i shouldnt call someone my friend if they don't even treat me like one. allegra has become this completely different person. i truly do love her as a best friend, but i dont like who she is becoming. i feel like she's turning her back on every value she has grown up with. im not saying im some sort of angel either, but i at least am trying to be a better person than ive become. its hard for me to see her throw away that which made her so unique and beautiful in the first place, and conform to what other people expect. im not sure what i will do, or how things will pan out...i just pray that the Lord will do what's in his will for my life and guide me and encourage me to understand all that he has in store for my life. i feel sometimes that i'm worthless, and that no one could ever love me...and i know that's not true, but i cant help but feel it sometimes.

im a mess