Sometimes the first thing you want never comes
Today I went over to Amanda's house before the last LOTR showing and she promptly fell asleep on the sofa for about twenty minutes. It didn't bother me, but all I could do was try not to wake her up and hear in my head over and over again, "I'll put a spell on you/you'll fall asleep when I put a spell on you/and when I wake you I'll be the first thing you see/and you'll realize that you love me." Which is wholly pathetic but it's a lovely song and apt to the situation.
When she woke up though, she was startled because she forgot I was there. So that was romantic.
On the way over to her house, I told my mom about how I saw on Amanda's license that she's not an organ donor and we talked about that some. Pulling into her neighborhood my mom said that she thinks Amanda will have a hard time finding a husband because she doesn't know how to give. It's all about Amanda. And then she said, "And you're like 'Thank god I'm not trying to marry her!'" and it makes me wonder if my mom thinks that's what I want and she's just testing the waters, but if that was the case she didn't come away with anything conclusive.
Apart from not wanting to think about Amanda finding a husband, I guess my mom has a point. I mean I know Amanda can be really self-centered but I never thought about it affecting anyone other than me and maybe sometimes her cousin because those are the people she's closest to. I always just assumed it was me being needy or irrational, but if she finds a husband he better be just as in love with her as I am. And if he is, it's likely he'll run into at least half of the emotional issues I've run into. But if she loves him, I don't know. Maybe it would be easier. Or maybe I'm right and she literally doesn't know how to love anyone other than herself.
She told me today that she'd been slacking on my birthday present. I could take the opportunity to remind everyone that my birthday was in April, but...oh whoops. Too late.
I asked her why she'd tell me that and she did her I-don't-even-give-a-fuck shrug and said "I dunno." I mean if you're going to make me pay your way for my Christmas present and then wait all year to give me my birthday present, you could at least make it sound like you're working your ass off to get it to me.
Or you could just, you know. Think of something nice to do for me on my birthday. Burn me a CD. Spend the day with me. Things that don't require that much effort or money but I would enjoy just as much. God I don't understand her.
Unfortunately I'm secretly a little upset that I got stuck with buying all $18.50 of the movie snacks. I didn't mind buying Charlie's $5 water bottle, but I bought the popcorn, our soda and Amanda's candy because I was standing at the front of the group and it's not like anyone was itching to step up and help me out. I mean what was I supposed to do, turn around and be like "So who's gonna get this? Cause it ain't me."
And when I say anyone, of course I mean Amanda. Charlie drove down all the way from Savannah to come see this movie and I didn't buy his ticket. I bought Amanda's. Amanda's been driving us, which helps some but I just spent close to $40 on this movie. Possibly slightly more.
This is...my Christmas present from Amanda. Me dragging her ass to a movie theater and paying $12.50 for her ticket because I don't trust that she'd come if I didn't. I had the best time tonight, the audience was beyond amazing. I just wish she would be a little more thoughtful. Of other people. Of me. She didn't even ask if I wanted to do anything with her for her birthday. She went to dinner with Elisabeth.
God how did I get onto another list of grievances?
When I got out of the car I told Charlie I'd see him again really soon because he'd have to come back and do something else with us. And I told Amanda I'd see her in like two months when she wants to see me. Of her own accord. And she rolled her eyes and said no, like I'm wrong even though she knows I'm right. Because now I'm out of reasons to see her, and she has her job as a camp counselor at La Villa and she'll play video games with Elisabeth because Elisabeth sets up the plans and I just can't keep doing that.
Amanda has to know that if she wants to see me, she's going to have to put some fucking effort into it. But I have to do my part and not wimp out every time I see matching free spots in our schedules. This has to be her.
I can't say that it's like that conversation never happened. I see traces of it constantly. When I apologize for being pissy and she replies explaining why she was upset instead of just leaving it at, "It's okay." Or when she clarifies that she asked me to come over early because she likes me, not because she wanted to make sure we had time to get dinner. Little things.
I feel like she's trying. Not really enough, but I think she is. She just has to realize why she's trying. All the reasons. The real reasons. Not just because she thinks I'll be mad if she doesn't.
When she woke up though, she was startled because she forgot I was there. So that was romantic.
On the way over to her house, I told my mom about how I saw on Amanda's license that she's not an organ donor and we talked about that some. Pulling into her neighborhood my mom said that she thinks Amanda will have a hard time finding a husband because she doesn't know how to give. It's all about Amanda. And then she said, "And you're like 'Thank god I'm not trying to marry her!'" and it makes me wonder if my mom thinks that's what I want and she's just testing the waters, but if that was the case she didn't come away with anything conclusive.
Apart from not wanting to think about Amanda finding a husband, I guess my mom has a point. I mean I know Amanda can be really self-centered but I never thought about it affecting anyone other than me and maybe sometimes her cousin because those are the people she's closest to. I always just assumed it was me being needy or irrational, but if she finds a husband he better be just as in love with her as I am. And if he is, it's likely he'll run into at least half of the emotional issues I've run into. But if she loves him, I don't know. Maybe it would be easier. Or maybe I'm right and she literally doesn't know how to love anyone other than herself.
She told me today that she'd been slacking on my birthday present. I could take the opportunity to remind everyone that my birthday was in April, but...oh whoops. Too late.
I asked her why she'd tell me that and she did her I-don't-even-give-a-fuck shrug and said "I dunno." I mean if you're going to make me pay your way for my Christmas present and then wait all year to give me my birthday present, you could at least make it sound like you're working your ass off to get it to me.
Or you could just, you know. Think of something nice to do for me on my birthday. Burn me a CD. Spend the day with me. Things that don't require that much effort or money but I would enjoy just as much. God I don't understand her.
Unfortunately I'm secretly a little upset that I got stuck with buying all $18.50 of the movie snacks. I didn't mind buying Charlie's $5 water bottle, but I bought the popcorn, our soda and Amanda's candy because I was standing at the front of the group and it's not like anyone was itching to step up and help me out. I mean what was I supposed to do, turn around and be like "So who's gonna get this? Cause it ain't me."
And when I say anyone, of course I mean Amanda. Charlie drove down all the way from Savannah to come see this movie and I didn't buy his ticket. I bought Amanda's. Amanda's been driving us, which helps some but I just spent close to $40 on this movie. Possibly slightly more.
This is...my Christmas present from Amanda. Me dragging her ass to a movie theater and paying $12.50 for her ticket because I don't trust that she'd come if I didn't. I had the best time tonight, the audience was beyond amazing. I just wish she would be a little more thoughtful. Of other people. Of me. She didn't even ask if I wanted to do anything with her for her birthday. She went to dinner with Elisabeth.
God how did I get onto another list of grievances?
When I got out of the car I told Charlie I'd see him again really soon because he'd have to come back and do something else with us. And I told Amanda I'd see her in like two months when she wants to see me. Of her own accord. And she rolled her eyes and said no, like I'm wrong even though she knows I'm right. Because now I'm out of reasons to see her, and she has her job as a camp counselor at La Villa and she'll play video games with Elisabeth because Elisabeth sets up the plans and I just can't keep doing that.
Amanda has to know that if she wants to see me, she's going to have to put some fucking effort into it. But I have to do my part and not wimp out every time I see matching free spots in our schedules. This has to be her.
I can't say that it's like that conversation never happened. I see traces of it constantly. When I apologize for being pissy and she replies explaining why she was upset instead of just leaving it at, "It's okay." Or when she clarifies that she asked me to come over early because she likes me, not because she wanted to make sure we had time to get dinner. Little things.
I feel like she's trying. Not really enough, but I think she is. She just has to realize why she's trying. All the reasons. The real reasons. Not just because she thinks I'll be mad if she doesn't.