The diatribe
Oh sure I could sit here and proclaim the evils of certain ticket snatchin' bastiges, but I made a vow to leave this 'ere thing drama free. So, instead, I will say that said ticket snatchin' bastiges have become persona non grata and..
(looks up both "persona non grata" and "diatribe" on dictionary.com)
and the name shall not be spoken much more for fear that said Snatcher is accidentally summoned like some sorta scary monster from a movie (case in point, say "Too Wong Foo" three times in a row and see what happens).
Speakin' of scary sh1t, it's the hauntin' season, and you know what that means? HALLOWEEN CANDY WILL SOON BE HALF PRICE! But nay, before that, we have the holiday itself. A time when little ugly children dress up in costumes and show up at your door begging for candy knowing good and well that they just stole your prize winning daschund two days ago.
Well, being one to buck tradition, I feel it is my public duty to recommend some ways to enjoy Halloween that aren't quite standard. One of my co-workers (Hillary Swank I believe it was) mentioned going "Treat or Tricking" in her youth, which, lest I be wrong, involved kids going to people's houses and giving candy to the people that opened their doors. Weird, freaky, but funny as hell (much like most of the people I know). So, in that same tradition, I present some new Halloween Traditions!
Mug or Treat
What it is: "Kids" that are MUCH too fvcking old to be going door to door asking for candy (too old would be like 14+) are robbed for their candy and then mocked and humliated by administering atomic wedgies.
Why it's funny: Er...did you see the atomic wedgies line? That and come on, free candy.
Why it's not funny: Be wary of the 14 year old that's like 6'11 and 500lbs. I mean, are those mini butterfingers really worth being thrown through a wall?
Unhaunted House Romp
What it is: So many people get off work early on Halloween and go visit like 4 or 5 Haunted houses. I propose you randomly go to people's houses and scream at them.
Why it's funny: You never know what you'll walk in on :D
Why it's not funny: Most cops kinda frown on the whole "breaking and entering" thing.
Watching Scary Movies
What it is: Standard thing right? You pop in Nightmare on Elm Street or Friday the 13th and watch all 708 of the movies and scream in frustration at how bad the latter ones are.
Why it's funny: You'll be watching the movies on a 30' screen, on your college campus, with all the fattest people on campus sitting in their underwear covered in baby oil.
Why it's not funny: It's fvcking disguisting.
Buffet Trek
What it is: You dress up as Batman or some other super hero that weighs a helluva lot less than you, then you visit every buffet in the tri-county area and eat them outta business.
Why it's funny: "You batman you eat everything..you go now!!!" Hearing that never gets old
Why it's not funny: Two words: stomach lysis.
Well, I should hope I have helped a bit with your Halloween activity search. Where will I be on Halloween? Under my bed, fully armed, wearing a bulletproof vest and screaming in terror.
Next: A Bob and the Demon no one will read.
Quotable Quote:
"Does it have a bidet? That's REALLY important." --Co worker
(looks up both "persona non grata" and "diatribe" on dictionary.com)
and the name shall not be spoken much more for fear that said Snatcher is accidentally summoned like some sorta scary monster from a movie (case in point, say "Too Wong Foo" three times in a row and see what happens).
Speakin' of scary sh1t, it's the hauntin' season, and you know what that means? HALLOWEEN CANDY WILL SOON BE HALF PRICE! But nay, before that, we have the holiday itself. A time when little ugly children dress up in costumes and show up at your door begging for candy knowing good and well that they just stole your prize winning daschund two days ago.
Well, being one to buck tradition, I feel it is my public duty to recommend some ways to enjoy Halloween that aren't quite standard. One of my co-workers (Hillary Swank I believe it was) mentioned going "Treat or Tricking" in her youth, which, lest I be wrong, involved kids going to people's houses and giving candy to the people that opened their doors. Weird, freaky, but funny as hell (much like most of the people I know). So, in that same tradition, I present some new Halloween Traditions!
Mug or Treat
What it is: "Kids" that are MUCH too fvcking old to be going door to door asking for candy (too old would be like 14+) are robbed for their candy and then mocked and humliated by administering atomic wedgies.
Why it's funny: Er...did you see the atomic wedgies line? That and come on, free candy.
Why it's not funny: Be wary of the 14 year old that's like 6'11 and 500lbs. I mean, are those mini butterfingers really worth being thrown through a wall?
Unhaunted House Romp
What it is: So many people get off work early on Halloween and go visit like 4 or 5 Haunted houses. I propose you randomly go to people's houses and scream at them.
Why it's funny: You never know what you'll walk in on :D
Why it's not funny: Most cops kinda frown on the whole "breaking and entering" thing.
Watching Scary Movies
What it is: Standard thing right? You pop in Nightmare on Elm Street or Friday the 13th and watch all 708 of the movies and scream in frustration at how bad the latter ones are.
Why it's funny: You'll be watching the movies on a 30' screen, on your college campus, with all the fattest people on campus sitting in their underwear covered in baby oil.
Why it's not funny: It's fvcking disguisting.
Buffet Trek
What it is: You dress up as Batman or some other super hero that weighs a helluva lot less than you, then you visit every buffet in the tri-county area and eat them outta business.
Why it's funny: "You batman you eat everything..you go now!!!" Hearing that never gets old
Why it's not funny: Two words: stomach lysis.
Well, I should hope I have helped a bit with your Halloween activity search. Where will I be on Halloween? Under my bed, fully armed, wearing a bulletproof vest and screaming in terror.
Next: A Bob and the Demon no one will read.
Quotable Quote:
"Does it have a bidet? That's REALLY important." --Co worker