Hawaii, Sawyer, and KangaRiouxs
Yeah, so I just spent a buncha time writing a myspace blog about the same thing. So what? I got insomnia since I took a six hour nap and I'm sittin' here waiting to get tired again.
Ach, at any rate, so I hit up Hawaii this past week and man I tellz ya it was an adventure. You see, this was a family vacation so it wasn't exactly going to be fun in the sun and fighting sharks at 30,000 feet (trust me, it'd be fun). No, family vacations here tend involve a lot of sleeping, combined with napping, and a healthy dose of Fox News.
However, there was hope! The week before I left for Hawaii I noticed a myspace bulletin in which one of my friends mentioned her recent re-location to our glorious 50th state! Without regard to the (very possible) fear of being told to "get lost" I replied to her with the times I'd be there. A back-up plan was in the works! I was giddy.
So, what happened during this week? Welp, there ain't a better way to go over it than to give a day-by-day synopsis. Want the quick and dirty version? Pop over to
my myspace blog and get a shorter, albeit different account.
Saturday - Spending 10 hours in the air and in airports is about as much fun as having your hair ripped out by a Tibetan monk while being eviscerated by a rabid dolphin. During this time, I watched the first five episodes of Lost on DVD, read a book and a half, read multiple comics in trade-form (yeah I'm a geek, sue me) and a few random magazines.
Sunday - The island of Kauai is the rural area of the Hawaiin islands. Oh sure it's nice and lush, but there ain't a THING to do there. Not only that, but apparently someone had the bright idea to pepper the island with angry Roosters that run around screaming at people and disrupting the flow of traffic. Top that off with the lack of AC on the island and you'd almost have something to complain about.
Monday - Deep Sea fishin' at 5am. YEET. Somewhere around 70lbs of fish were wrestled aboard by the four of us, with 30lbs of that being fought aboard by a woman (it was a mahi mahi). The woman's husband asked her to hold up the fish for a picture. The fish responded by spraying gobs of blood all over the boat, resulting in a nice blood stench that permeated everyone's souls and clothes. Upon leaving the boat, people saw all the blood and become concerned. One of them asked "What happened?" to which I replied "Edward got out of hand, so we dealt with him."
Tuesday Early - Flew to Oahu to meet lilcolumbian, aka "KangaRioux" or Heather. Somehow, I managed to get lost exiting the airport resulting in me being nowhere near the car:
Heather (on the phone): Um, where the 'ell are you?
Me: *Close to tears* I..I'm not really sure. Help?
Heather: I'm down in the car waiting by the baggage claim, didn't you follow everyone when they got off the plane?
Me: *In tears* No. I'm so lost, and cold, and there are wolves after me.
Luckily, The Colombian was used to dealing with stupid people that get lost in airports, and she found me standing in the ticketing/check-in area. Upon entering the car, I received one of the world famous "You're fvcking dumb" glares, which prompted me to wet myself.
Tuesday Midday - A trolly to Waikiki into a shopping mall filled with japanese inhabitants and tourists of the island revealed that my Japanese is rusty. I translated a sign incorrectly, and accidentally summoned a creature from the 7th layer. After sending him back, we strolled into a li'l seaside eatery known as Duke's. How often does a restaurant have its own swimming pool? I am SO moving here when I'm able to afford it (read: never). After viewing Waikiki Beach and walking along the pier, the urge to become one with the ocean became so great that I found myself buck nekkid hanging from said pier. This alarmed and confused everyone, including a cop whom shot to kill at the ghastly site. Saddened by my not gettin' into da water I moped around for a bit. This prompted Heather to mention that there was a much better beach that the touristy types didn't know about. That..is "TEH Swanky."
Tuesday Evening/Night - When you are a person of dark skin, walking the beach at night can be quite dangerous since you sort of disappear. I'd always wanted to walk the shoreline at night, but never got a chance to because every other beach trip I've made has been with family (and they're werewolves and are otherwise distracted at night). At one point, I got the fun idea to push The Colombian into the water...but realized this would more than likely result in far more pain than levity for me. Instead, I threw myself into the water. Luckily, a big rock appeared from nowhere and kept me from getting wet.
Wednesday Early - Upon packing up to return to Kauai I realized that going back was..well..dumb. Should I go back I'd spend my time sitting in the condo in abject terror at the thought of the Roosters outside learning to operate a doorknob. At this revelation, I asked if I could stay for the rest o' the day. I was allowed to (yeah, I was scared too) but I ended up striking out alone for a couple hours while Heather went and manhandled some contractors (she's like an enforcer, only much scarier).
Wednesday Midday - Walking around the area near Kanga's Mansion was exciting, since most Hawaiin drivers see stop lights as merely a mild suggestion to think about the possibility of slowing down. After nearly getting run over by a 12-year old on a Segway, I went to a local food-place and purchased a bottle of water for a week's salary. I eyed the store clerk with grim anger, and said "For this much money, this better be the best fvcking bottle of water in the world." I took a sip from the water, slammed the money down on the counter, and said "...you got lucky."
Wednesday Night - On the return from work, the decision was made to drive to North Shore to attempt to visit the set of TV's Lost. Finding this place in an area as wide as "North Shore" was about as easy as finding just one ballerina in Midtown (... sorry). The result? Some awesome sight-seeing and a final stop at the mall to engage some world-class level players in Scrabble.
Having not played Scrabble in years, I knew there'd be rust, but this didn't worry me since I thought they'd pair me with lilcolumbian as I arrived with her. No such luck:
Organizer Dude: Okay, Heather, your opponent for the evening will be little old Mrs. Janey. She's nice.
Me: Uh, wait, if she's playing Mrs. Janey, who am I playing against?
Organizer Dude: You will be playing against Shitoshi: The Eater of Souls. Whatever you do, don't look into her eyes.
I sat across from the Soul Eater, eyed my seven letters then eyed the board. After 10 minutes of sweat and concentration, I said down the word "goat." Shitoshi cackled, the room went dark and sinister chanting was heard from the depths. Then, she laid down the word "Galapagos."
"Triple word score, triple letter score. That gives me an initial score of 70,000 pts," she commented.
I couldn't tell what was more distressing, the fact that she'd just spelled a nine-letter word using only seven or the fact that she already had more points than I'd ever had in my entire life playing the game. The final score? Shitoshi: 105,000, me, 8.
After a string of embarassing defeats, I stepped away from the table and wept. Feeling pity, The Colombian mentioned a quick retreat for food, which landed us at the Bubba Gump Shrimp Company. Here, the conversation was standard amongst two people, then a travesty was revealed to me! A thing that shocked me to my core and made me sit back in my chair with confusion, shock, and bladder-loosening. What is this thing I was told? Keep your eyes on these pages, all shall be revealed soon!
Thursday - After being dropped off by Heather at the airport I moseyed on to meet the fam for a tour of the Pearl Harbor memorial and the area. Seeing as how I'd already seen what I came to see, this tour felt a lot like watching paint dry on an unpainted glass surface. Sure the memorial was interesting, as is any WWII tour, but for 912 bucks I feel like I can expect some things, like food.
Friday - I watched about 30 episodes of Lost. Why? Kauai shuts down at like 3, and the beaches are mostly craggy shores and extremely dangerous currents. The one nice beach on the island was 20 miles away, and in an area that was being bombarded by lightning.
Saturday - Ah flying. The plane left at 3PM Hawaii time, and landed in Atlanta and about 1 our time. I saw my bed and threw myself at it. I missed, but landed quite comfortably on my 40lb weights.
So, as anyone can see, Tuesday and Wednesday were a heckuva lot more interesting than the other, er, five days. To Heather I say a heaping "THANK YOU" for inviting me over. To the rest of you I say that I feel a need to go back at some point in the near future, just as long as we don't stay on Kauai.
Ach, at any rate, so I hit up Hawaii this past week and man I tellz ya it was an adventure. You see, this was a family vacation so it wasn't exactly going to be fun in the sun and fighting sharks at 30,000 feet (trust me, it'd be fun). No, family vacations here tend involve a lot of sleeping, combined with napping, and a healthy dose of Fox News.
However, there was hope! The week before I left for Hawaii I noticed a myspace bulletin in which one of my friends mentioned her recent re-location to our glorious 50th state! Without regard to the (very possible) fear of being told to "get lost" I replied to her with the times I'd be there. A back-up plan was in the works! I was giddy.
So, what happened during this week? Welp, there ain't a better way to go over it than to give a day-by-day synopsis. Want the quick and dirty version? Pop over to
my myspace blog and get a shorter, albeit different account.
Saturday - Spending 10 hours in the air and in airports is about as much fun as having your hair ripped out by a Tibetan monk while being eviscerated by a rabid dolphin. During this time, I watched the first five episodes of Lost on DVD, read a book and a half, read multiple comics in trade-form (yeah I'm a geek, sue me) and a few random magazines.
Sunday - The island of Kauai is the rural area of the Hawaiin islands. Oh sure it's nice and lush, but there ain't a THING to do there. Not only that, but apparently someone had the bright idea to pepper the island with angry Roosters that run around screaming at people and disrupting the flow of traffic. Top that off with the lack of AC on the island and you'd almost have something to complain about.
Monday - Deep Sea fishin' at 5am. YEET. Somewhere around 70lbs of fish were wrestled aboard by the four of us, with 30lbs of that being fought aboard by a woman (it was a mahi mahi). The woman's husband asked her to hold up the fish for a picture. The fish responded by spraying gobs of blood all over the boat, resulting in a nice blood stench that permeated everyone's souls and clothes. Upon leaving the boat, people saw all the blood and become concerned. One of them asked "What happened?" to which I replied "Edward got out of hand, so we dealt with him."
Tuesday Early - Flew to Oahu to meet lilcolumbian, aka "KangaRioux" or Heather. Somehow, I managed to get lost exiting the airport resulting in me being nowhere near the car:
Heather (on the phone): Um, where the 'ell are you?
Me: *Close to tears* I..I'm not really sure. Help?
Heather: I'm down in the car waiting by the baggage claim, didn't you follow everyone when they got off the plane?
Me: *In tears* No. I'm so lost, and cold, and there are wolves after me.
Luckily, The Colombian was used to dealing with stupid people that get lost in airports, and she found me standing in the ticketing/check-in area. Upon entering the car, I received one of the world famous "You're fvcking dumb" glares, which prompted me to wet myself.
Tuesday Midday - A trolly to Waikiki into a shopping mall filled with japanese inhabitants and tourists of the island revealed that my Japanese is rusty. I translated a sign incorrectly, and accidentally summoned a creature from the 7th layer. After sending him back, we strolled into a li'l seaside eatery known as Duke's. How often does a restaurant have its own swimming pool? I am SO moving here when I'm able to afford it (read: never). After viewing Waikiki Beach and walking along the pier, the urge to become one with the ocean became so great that I found myself buck nekkid hanging from said pier. This alarmed and confused everyone, including a cop whom shot to kill at the ghastly site. Saddened by my not gettin' into da water I moped around for a bit. This prompted Heather to mention that there was a much better beach that the touristy types didn't know about. That..is "TEH Swanky."
Tuesday Evening/Night - When you are a person of dark skin, walking the beach at night can be quite dangerous since you sort of disappear. I'd always wanted to walk the shoreline at night, but never got a chance to because every other beach trip I've made has been with family (and they're werewolves and are otherwise distracted at night). At one point, I got the fun idea to push The Colombian into the water...but realized this would more than likely result in far more pain than levity for me. Instead, I threw myself into the water. Luckily, a big rock appeared from nowhere and kept me from getting wet.
Wednesday Early - Upon packing up to return to Kauai I realized that going back was..well..dumb. Should I go back I'd spend my time sitting in the condo in abject terror at the thought of the Roosters outside learning to operate a doorknob. At this revelation, I asked if I could stay for the rest o' the day. I was allowed to (yeah, I was scared too) but I ended up striking out alone for a couple hours while Heather went and manhandled some contractors (she's like an enforcer, only much scarier).
Wednesday Midday - Walking around the area near Kanga's Mansion was exciting, since most Hawaiin drivers see stop lights as merely a mild suggestion to think about the possibility of slowing down. After nearly getting run over by a 12-year old on a Segway, I went to a local food-place and purchased a bottle of water for a week's salary. I eyed the store clerk with grim anger, and said "For this much money, this better be the best fvcking bottle of water in the world." I took a sip from the water, slammed the money down on the counter, and said "...you got lucky."
Wednesday Night - On the return from work, the decision was made to drive to North Shore to attempt to visit the set of TV's Lost. Finding this place in an area as wide as "North Shore" was about as easy as finding just one ballerina in Midtown (... sorry). The result? Some awesome sight-seeing and a final stop at the mall to engage some world-class level players in Scrabble.
Having not played Scrabble in years, I knew there'd be rust, but this didn't worry me since I thought they'd pair me with lilcolumbian as I arrived with her. No such luck:
Organizer Dude: Okay, Heather, your opponent for the evening will be little old Mrs. Janey. She's nice.
Me: Uh, wait, if she's playing Mrs. Janey, who am I playing against?
Organizer Dude: You will be playing against Shitoshi: The Eater of Souls. Whatever you do, don't look into her eyes.
I sat across from the Soul Eater, eyed my seven letters then eyed the board. After 10 minutes of sweat and concentration, I said down the word "goat." Shitoshi cackled, the room went dark and sinister chanting was heard from the depths. Then, she laid down the word "Galapagos."
"Triple word score, triple letter score. That gives me an initial score of 70,000 pts," she commented.
I couldn't tell what was more distressing, the fact that she'd just spelled a nine-letter word using only seven or the fact that she already had more points than I'd ever had in my entire life playing the game. The final score? Shitoshi: 105,000, me, 8.
After a string of embarassing defeats, I stepped away from the table and wept. Feeling pity, The Colombian mentioned a quick retreat for food, which landed us at the Bubba Gump Shrimp Company. Here, the conversation was standard amongst two people, then a travesty was revealed to me! A thing that shocked me to my core and made me sit back in my chair with confusion, shock, and bladder-loosening. What is this thing I was told? Keep your eyes on these pages, all shall be revealed soon!
Thursday - After being dropped off by Heather at the airport I moseyed on to meet the fam for a tour of the Pearl Harbor memorial and the area. Seeing as how I'd already seen what I came to see, this tour felt a lot like watching paint dry on an unpainted glass surface. Sure the memorial was interesting, as is any WWII tour, but for 912 bucks I feel like I can expect some things, like food.
Friday - I watched about 30 episodes of Lost. Why? Kauai shuts down at like 3, and the beaches are mostly craggy shores and extremely dangerous currents. The one nice beach on the island was 20 miles away, and in an area that was being bombarded by lightning.
Saturday - Ah flying. The plane left at 3PM Hawaii time, and landed in Atlanta and about 1 our time. I saw my bed and threw myself at it. I missed, but landed quite comfortably on my 40lb weights.
So, as anyone can see, Tuesday and Wednesday were a heckuva lot more interesting than the other, er, five days. To Heather I say a heaping "THANK YOU" for inviting me over. To the rest of you I say that I feel a need to go back at some point in the near future, just as long as we don't stay on Kauai.