southern wind | #TAC ficmix
southern wind
chanshik/soojung
pg, 4124w
-- for elle (cleonsyk), i hope i've done justice for your amazing fic northern wind. the reason why the title is southern wind is to depict the opposite of gongstal's relationship. (since northern wind had been written in krystal's pov, and this ficmix is written in chanshik's). #TAC ficmix, (prompt: almost empty train, late at night).
--
It is almost 1 in the morning when Chanshik boards the last train back home.
It has become a running joke; Gong Chanshik, a surgeon who relies on public transportation because he doesn’t have a car. His colleagues used to ask him many times why he doesn’t own one when he is well capable of it; Chanshik smiled and said that he does have a car at home, he just doesn’t want to use it. (What sort of logic is that? Chanshik could almost hear her voice ringing in his head over and over again, reminding himself that she is forever ingrained in his mind, even when she is long gone from his life.)
As he takes a seat quietly, Chanshik begins to think of what has happened that day in the hospital. A minute of reflection, he would say, but he knows it is just an excuse not to think of anything else in the midst of an almost empty train (where there are risks of remembering memories he had kept hidden in the deepest recesses of his mind). When he is done reflecting and his mind goes blank again, Chanshik looks around, noticing an old man a few seats from him nodding to sleep, and then another young man--a college student, deep in his earphones.
Chanshik doesn't know where to start, to begin his thought; something, anything to keep his mind awake. The last time he took the train back, he had fallen asleep and woken up at the end of the district. He sure as hell will not be repeating that same mistake again.
He frowns, looking at the college student again and seeing his former college's emblem on his bag, and suddenly, memories gush forward without any warning. Chanshik doesn't exactly want to reminisce about his past in college, but he has to start somewhere, doesn't he?
So he starts with her.
Till this day, Chanshik’s college days remain ambiguous in his mind.
He realized, that when most people were asked of what they think of their college and university days, they would either say they loved it, or they hated it. In Chanshik’s case though, he cannot bring himself to decide if he liked college, or if he hated it. He thinks it is a little bit of both, because college had been a phase in his life where he was both happiest, yet saddest all at the same time.
As someone venturing into the field of medicine, Chanshik is not at all surprised of his popularity in college. Students of Med School and Law School are usually the ones at the top of the social food chain, though Chanshik has never asked to even be in it. He also deduced, that the pro and con of being on top are ironically the same; everyone knows him.
Chanshik is used to getting stares and whispers from groups of girls when he walks past them. He is used to the giggles he would hear, all the that is gong chanshik!!! and oh my god did you see that? he just smiled at me!!! coming from the female students of his campus. For the record, though, he has not smiled at any of them, and absolutely didn’t understand where they could have possibly saw that he did.
He isn’t used to, however, not getting any response from a female student from the campus.
Chanshik doesn’t realize this at first, but soon enough, when it keeps happening, he is pleasantly surprised. He notices that every time he walks past a certain female, she would not be bothered at all to even spare a glance in his direction. Chanshik doesn’t think too much on it, even if he is curious to know who the student is. He figures that there are way more things that are actually important for him to focus on than knowing the identity of that female student.
Though somehow, he sees her again in a party Sandeul had forced and half dragged him to follow along. She is sitting beside her friend who Chanshik knows as the famous Choi Sulli, and it is difficult for him not to look away. He didn’t expect this particular female student to be friends with the Choi Sulli, especially since he is aware that Sulli is as lively as a butterfly while she, this mysterious girl, is the exact opposite.
Stop staring, Chanshik chides himself, you’re being a total creep.
“Hey Chanshik,” Somewhat relief to be forced to tear his glance away, Chanshik turns to the direction of the voice and meets the eyes of one of his batchmates, Luna. “What drug did Sandeul give you that you’re here tonight?”
Chanshik laughs. If there's any female students on campus he doesn’t mind hanging out with, it is Luna. They aren’t exactly close to each other, but Chanshik doesn’t seem at all bothered by her presence. “He told me there will be many pretty girls attending.”
Luna raises an eyebrow before turning around and yelling at Chanshik’s best friend. “Lee Sandeul! What the hell did you smothered Chanshik with? He’s talking about girls!”
“Man, that makes me seem like I’m gay or something.” Chanshik smiles just as Luna diverts her attention back at him. “No shit. You’re never interested in any girls on campus.”
Chanshik isn’t the least offended by what Luna said, given how it is true. “That’s because no one has caught my attention.”
Is that a smirk Chanshik sees on Luna’s face? “What, why are you looking at me like that?”
Luna remains quiet, and then slowly, she gazes at the pair of girls on the other end of their table. “Really? No one?”
That’s when Chanshik is forced to look at Sulli and her friend again, this time, with his gaze fixed upon them. He gulps nervously, knowing that Luna has caught him red-handed, and there is nothing he could do or say to deny that.
“What’s her name?”
“Why don’t you ask her yourself?”
Luna leaves, but not before Chanshik realizes that he has locked eyes with the mysterious girl. He is slightly taken aback, unsure of what to do when, as quickly as it has happened, she looks away. Chanshik takes that as a sign to look away as well, face heating up for no apparent reason.
He just wishes though, years and years later as he reflects upon this memory again, that he has taken it as a sign to look away forever.
Chanshik wishes he could brush what happened the night before aside as easily as he did before this.
He finds himself intrigued, wanting to know more of the girl who paid him no attention, but spoke volumes from the way she had looked at him during the party. Chanshik secretly wants to get more information about her from Luna, who is obviously quite close to her, but he knows that if he does, Luna would never let it slide.
Sandeul plops in the empty seat beside him in the library, placing books on the table with a soft thud. Chanshik snaps out from his thought and momentarily finds himself staring at his best friend.
“What?” Sandeul asks, quirking an eyebrow. “Why are you looking at me like this?”
“Nothing.” Chanshik quickly resumes looking at his book instead, but barely 5 seconds later, Chanshik casts another gaze at Sandeul. “Wait…”
“Wait what?” Sandeul doesn’t look at him, but Chanshik could sense amusement in his tone. For three seconds, Chanshik almost didn’t want to proceed with the question he has in mind. Curiosity got the best of him though, and he forces the words from the tip of his tongue.
"You’re friends with Lee Taemin, right? So that means you know Sulli, too, right?"
Sandeul frowns, taken aback at the really random question. "Yeah, but I don't really--"
"Does that mean you know Sulli's friend as well?"
Chanshik bit his lower lip, knowing that he has asked a dangerous question and is now the subject to his friend’s teasing. Sandeul though, doesn’t seem to think the same. "Which? Sulli's friends with almost everyone on campus."
Mentally banging his head on the wall, Chanshik contemplates whether or not he should continue his explanation. Chanshik reasons that if he does, he would finally (probably) be able to get her off his mind, so he continues; ”Her closest friend, the one who is always with her. Tall, attractive--" He stops himself abruptly.
Sandeul raises an eyebrow again, finally putting pieces of the puzzle together. He had heard Luna said something about this a while ago, but he really hadn’t been paying that much attention earlier.
"Are you talking about Krystal Jung?"
"I don’t know, am I?”
Sandeul finally laughs, shaking his head as he slowly understands what Luna has meant earlier about his friend being smitten by a female student. “Dude, if you want to court someone, you need to know her name first!”
Chanshik blinks his eyes once, twice. His cheeks begin to color. “Whoa, hold up, who said anything about courting anyone?”
“Your eyes do, buddy.” Sandeul winks, and leaves it at that. Speechless, Chanshik doesn’t say anything in his defense. Probably because deep down, he knows that Sandeul is right.
A few days later of passivity and both Sandeul and Luna’s endless teasing, Chanshik is surprised to find Choi Sulli flitting into his direction. She is bearing a smile so wide that Chanshik could almost sense why she is approaching him. “Hey, Gong Chanshik. I have a message for you.”
“Uh, what is it?” He asks with extreme caution, wondering if Luna has told Sulli about his crush interest on her friend.
Sulli’s smile seems to grow wider as she leans in to whisper. “A little birdy told me that my friend, Krystal, you know her, right? Yeah, she likes you.”
That, Chanshik thinks to himself, I did not see coming.
“It’s up to you if you want to believe it or not, because although Krystal is in deep denial at the moment, she definitely has a thing for you.” Sulli says in a sing-song voice, and a lump begins to lodge itself on his throat. “I…uh…”
Sulli waves a hand nonchalantly as she takes a few steps back. “My work here is done. The rest is up to you, Chanshik.” Giving him one last smile, Sulli leaves, leaving behind a stunned Chanshik who is still trying to digest everything he has heard.
Somehow, the news of Sulli telling Chanshik that Krystal likes him reaches Luna and Sandeul before he even spoke a word about it. Chanshik figures Sulli has probably teamed up with them, because Luna comes by a few hours later with a grin so similar to Sulli’s that he wishes the ground would just open up and swallow him whole.
“Guess what?”
Chanshik doesn’t want to guess, so he keeps mum. He knows that Luna would continue her sentence either way, so he waits nervously.
“Krystal knows that you like her too.”
He walks away immediately after hearing that, his eyes on the ground as he hastens his steps back to his dormitory. He could hear Luna cackling behind him as his cheeks flushes a deep red. Chanshik doesn’t exactly understand why he is feeling this way, only that hearing his crush knows that he likes her and that she actually likes him back is something he has never seen coming.
Chanshik concludes that it is time to step up in his game. Might as well.
Finally gathering enough courage to act upon the rumors hanging in the air regarding the both of them, (and partially also because their friends wouldn’t stop leaving them alone) Chanshik acknowledges Krystal’s presence with a smile and a curt nod. He could still remember, even till this day, what Krystal’s first few words with him had been.
“Ugh fuck, they ship us.”
Chanshik remembers also, that he had been vaguely confused. “Ship?” He asked while smiling and Krystal had explained with embarrassment in her tone.
Chanshik could sense her awkwardness and obvious shyness, so he tries to display an easy-going charm every time he is with her. He would talk non-stop over littlest things that don’t actually matter so that things don’t remain awkward between them. Although he is nervous as hell and knows that he would stutter really badly if he is to say anything else that isn’t random, Chanshik keeps his calm façade. He isn’t exactly looking for a romantic relationship with Krystal, because Chanshik thinks that being able to be her friend is enough privilege for an awkward boy like him.
In the pizza parlor, during their first date (if date is even the right word to describe it, Chanshik isn’t sure), he tells Krystal about his dream of wanting to produce music-something that only a few would know, as music and medicine do not often go hand in hand with one another. He hopes that their relationship has reached the point where he could threaten Krystal to buy his music one day, but to be honest, deep down, he knows that it is all walking on thin ice.
“Krystal?”
“Yeah?”
“You have dirt on your face.”
He may have tried too hard not to care too much though, because Chanshik finds himself in a state of confusion one day. He doesn’t know if he should remain as casual and comfortable with Krystal, or if he should just tell her straight up, confess to her, that he likes her and wishes they could be more than friends.
Between the lines of wanting to be friends forever, and wanting something more, Chanshik doesn’t know until years later that neither decision would have mattered, for eventually, he would lose her anyway.
It is late at night at the train station, and Chanshik doesn’t know how on earth he managed to convince Krystal to tag along in his nightly adventures.
“A pre-med student needs time to refresh his mind, you know.” He casually says as he waits for the next train to arrive. Krystal is muttering curses under her breath beside him.
“What does that got to do with riding the last train?” She mumbles in annoyance, forcing herself to stay awake. “I can’t believe I let you drag me along in this nonsensical plan of yours. I should have known better ever since that night in the playground.”
Chanshik smiles, putting an arm around Krystal and pushing her head gently against his shoulder. He could hear the train approaching. “When have my plans not be nonsensical? Getting on the last train is cool, is it not? Like…knowing that if you miss this train, you wouldn’t be able to go back home.”
Krystal pushes him away just as the last train halts in front of them. “You’re mentally ill, Gong Chanshik. You can always take the cab.”
“Aw, wouldn’t that be cool though, the first mentally ill surgeon in South Korea. Now are you getting on the train or not?”
Krystal doesn’t know why she keeps up with his craziness, but she gets on the train anyway.
“I have tons of assignments to do and look at what I am doing? Missing ten trains just to wait for the last!” Krystal says in a fake merrily tone, and Chanshik laughs out loud. Just to spite her, he flicks her forehead every time she nearly dozes off to sleep, and Krystal swears she would strangle him if she has the energy to.
Chanshik laughs it off easily. “You wouldn’t do that, because you love me too much.”
There’s a short pause as he sees how a faint blush has appeared on Krystal’s face. She quickly darts a glare so deadly at him though, that Chanshik doubts that he even saw that blush appearing.
"You vain man, you love yourself too much is what you mean."
Soon enough, Chanshik stops caring.
It all started with his exams and never-ending projects that he could not wrestle himself from. Then slowly, he just isn’t bothered anymore to care or maintain his friendship with Krystal. He figures that it is enough; all the period of leaving Krystal in a state of confusion with questions piling up in her mind, if they are together together, if he actually loved her, if just being friends were satisfying enough.
Surely Krystal has gotten tired of it (him)? Why care for a relationship that would never have an ending? Or a relationship that never had a true beginning?
(“Are you toying with her, Gong Chanshik?”
“I’m not, Luna. I’m just really busy at the moment.”
“I’m disappointed in you.”
“Yeah, I guess I am too.”)
Chanshik has never regretted meeting Krystal in college. All his frail attempts at annoying the heck out of her to hide how he truly feels. All the endless conversations till 3 in the morning with her, he has never regretted them.
What he has regretted most though, is that he broke her heart and left memories behind, memories that she will never be able to erase from her mind. That is one of the biggest mistakes Chanshik has ever made, and he is sorry that Krystal has to live through it forever.
He hears about it soon enough; the rumor of Krystal now dating her close friend, Kim Jongin, and then a week later, a confirmation from Sulli and Luna themselves. It isn't all too surprising for him to hear that, seeing how they haven't spoken in days, and Chanshik doesn't bother to fix what he has broken in the first place. Ironically though, in his defense, he would say that nothing ever truly started between the both of them anyway.
It is three months later when he found enough courage to speak to her again, using an excuse that he needs someone to listen to his new mixtape. Somehow, he manages to rope Krystal into sitting in the same room as him and again, he has to act as if nothing happened. He continues his usual uncaring façade. Deep down, Chanshik is sorry that Krystal has to sit through this again-he is getting tired of this himself, but there is nothing else he could do but to pretend, especially since Krystal has moved on.
Or maybe she hasn’t, because they are barely in the conversation for five minutes and she suddenly explodes in both anger and annoyance. Chanshik barely has the time to react as Krystal hastily grabs her bag to leave. He is slightly alarmed (weren’t they fine just moments ago?) as he watches her turn around, ready to leave and yet he doesn’t say anything, doesn’t do anything to stop her.
Chanshik thinks it is best to stay quiet, to let her leave and slam the door in his face. He is pathetic, utterly pathetic for breaking her heart yet once again. It is as though he has never learned his lesson-stay away from Krystal, safe her from another round of heartbreak-why is that so difficult for him to understand?
(Weren’t we fine just moments ago?) Chanshik realizes the answer as he stares at the closed door. (We were never fine to begin with.)
It is a cycle of mistakes, on repeat.
We’re a mistake, Soojung.
He used to tell Krystal that her eyes remind him so much of galaxies in motion, chasing supernovas a tail after another, if ever such a thing even exists. Chanshik could still remember what her response had been to his cheesy pick-up line (“you’re not getting girls that way,”) and years later, he knows that she is right. Perhaps that is the reason why he never uses that same line with another girl. Perhaps he knows that no sane girl would fall for him through those foolish words. Or perhaps it is because that line holds so much significance in his memory that it is specially reserved for Krystal and only her.
"You two were perfect for each other.”
Sandeul says that sentence one day, when Chanshik is just staring absentmindedly at the wall in a cafe. He doesn’t shift his attention from the wall, but quirks an eyebrow in confusion.
"Who is?" He asks, as Sandeul rolls his eyes and resumes drinking his coffee.
At his friend’s silence, Chanshik doesn't need to even ask, to be honest, because he knows exactly who Sandeul had meant. “Maybe.” He replies in a sort of nostalgic tone, balancing between the past he wishes so much to return to but could never, and the reality today. “But she isn’t who I am engaged to.”
“I have no hard feelings for Minah, you know I adore her.” Sandeul immediately defends himself, offering a small smile to Chanshik who is finally looking at him. “I just thought…you know,”
“Yeah, I know.” Chanshik nods, bearing no ill feelings to what Sandeul had said.
A year after quitting his music producing career and redirecting his pathway back to medicine, Chanshik meets the one. That is long after he has stopped using Krystal as his music inspiration, when her name has finally become just a distant memory, a ghost of his past.
Minah isn't like Krystal. In fact, they are nothing similar to one another. But unlike Krystal, whose name is a synonym to mistake, whose relationship line is a complete parallel to his, Chanshik is convinced that Minah is the woman he would marry one day.
“What are you going to do if Krystal shows up in your wedding?”
“I would greet her with a smile, obviously. We are friends, after all.”
Sandeul heaves a sigh. “Why invite her in the first place?”
“I didn’t want her to feel left out. We are friends.” Chanshik repeats, although deep down, he isn’t sure if inviting Krystal was the right thing to do. “I’m not forcing her to come, though. It is understandable if she doesn’t want to.”
“Why,” Sandeul begins again in an exasperated tone that Chanshik knows he very well deserves. “do you keep making these mistakes?”
Chanshik shrugs. He doesn’t answer that it is his fate, that everything Krystal is a mistake, and there is no possible exit from it.
Seven years of not meeting her face to face, Chanshik would have thought he would be more excited or astonished to see her standing in front of him. It would be a lie though, if he says that he hasn’t been expecting this visit for days. Maybe that is why seeing her sudden appearance in his attic has not been a surprise at all. She is still as beautiful and radiant as he remembers her to be, with long brown locks framing her face and Chanshik feels the wave of bittersweet memories flooding into his mind when she smiles at him.
His heart, though, does not skip a beat.
“You didn’t call.”
“You never answer.”
It isn't that Chanshik doesn't love Krystal. He does, and very much did. He doesn't know exactly where they've gone wrong or why she isn’t the woman he is going to marry (or maybe he does, he just doesn’t want to admit it). Heck, he doesn't know the answers to the many questions in his mind. He doesn't even understand how he willingly lost her in the first place, how he allowed himself to let her slip through his fingers. It is something he assumed had been right back then, but when he thinks about it again now, none of it made any sense.
But then again, his relationship with Krystal never did make much sense. There was no definite direction as to where they were headed, only that they talked to each other a lot and he annoyed her a lot, and probably, even hurt her a lot. (But when has love ever make sense, anyway?)
Maybe it is because Chanshik was young; immature and stupid, unappreciative of something as fragile as love. He thought he would get over her, or that she would understand the things he had done. He didn’t know that this would latch onto him forever, becoming a burden he would have to carry for life. (That is what first true loves would do to you.)
“I see you’ve finally gotten yourself a car.”
“I actually prefer not to use it, though.”
“What sort of logic is that?”
“Gong Chanshik’s nonsensical logic.”
He works it out though, as he watches Krystal drives away after their twenty minute conversation, that it is best never to know the whys and hows and what ifs. Because Minah, is his will be, and his forever.
While Krystal is his had been, an almost and his once upon a time.
(They were never meant to be.)
--
chanshik/soojung
pg, 4124w
-- for elle (cleonsyk), i hope i've done justice for your amazing fic northern wind. the reason why the title is southern wind is to depict the opposite of gongstal's relationship. (since northern wind had been written in krystal's pov, and this ficmix is written in chanshik's). #TAC ficmix, (prompt: almost empty train, late at night).
--
It is almost 1 in the morning when Chanshik boards the last train back home.
It has become a running joke; Gong Chanshik, a surgeon who relies on public transportation because he doesn’t have a car. His colleagues used to ask him many times why he doesn’t own one when he is well capable of it; Chanshik smiled and said that he does have a car at home, he just doesn’t want to use it. (What sort of logic is that? Chanshik could almost hear her voice ringing in his head over and over again, reminding himself that she is forever ingrained in his mind, even when she is long gone from his life.)
As he takes a seat quietly, Chanshik begins to think of what has happened that day in the hospital. A minute of reflection, he would say, but he knows it is just an excuse not to think of anything else in the midst of an almost empty train (where there are risks of remembering memories he had kept hidden in the deepest recesses of his mind). When he is done reflecting and his mind goes blank again, Chanshik looks around, noticing an old man a few seats from him nodding to sleep, and then another young man--a college student, deep in his earphones.
Chanshik doesn't know where to start, to begin his thought; something, anything to keep his mind awake. The last time he took the train back, he had fallen asleep and woken up at the end of the district. He sure as hell will not be repeating that same mistake again.
He frowns, looking at the college student again and seeing his former college's emblem on his bag, and suddenly, memories gush forward without any warning. Chanshik doesn't exactly want to reminisce about his past in college, but he has to start somewhere, doesn't he?
So he starts with her.
Till this day, Chanshik’s college days remain ambiguous in his mind.
He realized, that when most people were asked of what they think of their college and university days, they would either say they loved it, or they hated it. In Chanshik’s case though, he cannot bring himself to decide if he liked college, or if he hated it. He thinks it is a little bit of both, because college had been a phase in his life where he was both happiest, yet saddest all at the same time.
As someone venturing into the field of medicine, Chanshik is not at all surprised of his popularity in college. Students of Med School and Law School are usually the ones at the top of the social food chain, though Chanshik has never asked to even be in it. He also deduced, that the pro and con of being on top are ironically the same; everyone knows him.
Chanshik is used to getting stares and whispers from groups of girls when he walks past them. He is used to the giggles he would hear, all the that is gong chanshik!!! and oh my god did you see that? he just smiled at me!!! coming from the female students of his campus. For the record, though, he has not smiled at any of them, and absolutely didn’t understand where they could have possibly saw that he did.
He isn’t used to, however, not getting any response from a female student from the campus.
Chanshik doesn’t realize this at first, but soon enough, when it keeps happening, he is pleasantly surprised. He notices that every time he walks past a certain female, she would not be bothered at all to even spare a glance in his direction. Chanshik doesn’t think too much on it, even if he is curious to know who the student is. He figures that there are way more things that are actually important for him to focus on than knowing the identity of that female student.
Though somehow, he sees her again in a party Sandeul had forced and half dragged him to follow along. She is sitting beside her friend who Chanshik knows as the famous Choi Sulli, and it is difficult for him not to look away. He didn’t expect this particular female student to be friends with the Choi Sulli, especially since he is aware that Sulli is as lively as a butterfly while she, this mysterious girl, is the exact opposite.
Stop staring, Chanshik chides himself, you’re being a total creep.
“Hey Chanshik,” Somewhat relief to be forced to tear his glance away, Chanshik turns to the direction of the voice and meets the eyes of one of his batchmates, Luna. “What drug did Sandeul give you that you’re here tonight?”
Chanshik laughs. If there's any female students on campus he doesn’t mind hanging out with, it is Luna. They aren’t exactly close to each other, but Chanshik doesn’t seem at all bothered by her presence. “He told me there will be many pretty girls attending.”
Luna raises an eyebrow before turning around and yelling at Chanshik’s best friend. “Lee Sandeul! What the hell did you smothered Chanshik with? He’s talking about girls!”
“Man, that makes me seem like I’m gay or something.” Chanshik smiles just as Luna diverts her attention back at him. “No shit. You’re never interested in any girls on campus.”
Chanshik isn’t the least offended by what Luna said, given how it is true. “That’s because no one has caught my attention.”
Is that a smirk Chanshik sees on Luna’s face? “What, why are you looking at me like that?”
Luna remains quiet, and then slowly, she gazes at the pair of girls on the other end of their table. “Really? No one?”
That’s when Chanshik is forced to look at Sulli and her friend again, this time, with his gaze fixed upon them. He gulps nervously, knowing that Luna has caught him red-handed, and there is nothing he could do or say to deny that.
“What’s her name?”
“Why don’t you ask her yourself?”
Luna leaves, but not before Chanshik realizes that he has locked eyes with the mysterious girl. He is slightly taken aback, unsure of what to do when, as quickly as it has happened, she looks away. Chanshik takes that as a sign to look away as well, face heating up for no apparent reason.
He just wishes though, years and years later as he reflects upon this memory again, that he has taken it as a sign to look away forever.
Chanshik wishes he could brush what happened the night before aside as easily as he did before this.
He finds himself intrigued, wanting to know more of the girl who paid him no attention, but spoke volumes from the way she had looked at him during the party. Chanshik secretly wants to get more information about her from Luna, who is obviously quite close to her, but he knows that if he does, Luna would never let it slide.
Sandeul plops in the empty seat beside him in the library, placing books on the table with a soft thud. Chanshik snaps out from his thought and momentarily finds himself staring at his best friend.
“What?” Sandeul asks, quirking an eyebrow. “Why are you looking at me like this?”
“Nothing.” Chanshik quickly resumes looking at his book instead, but barely 5 seconds later, Chanshik casts another gaze at Sandeul. “Wait…”
“Wait what?” Sandeul doesn’t look at him, but Chanshik could sense amusement in his tone. For three seconds, Chanshik almost didn’t want to proceed with the question he has in mind. Curiosity got the best of him though, and he forces the words from the tip of his tongue.
"You’re friends with Lee Taemin, right? So that means you know Sulli, too, right?"
Sandeul frowns, taken aback at the really random question. "Yeah, but I don't really--"
"Does that mean you know Sulli's friend as well?"
Chanshik bit his lower lip, knowing that he has asked a dangerous question and is now the subject to his friend’s teasing. Sandeul though, doesn’t seem to think the same. "Which? Sulli's friends with almost everyone on campus."
Mentally banging his head on the wall, Chanshik contemplates whether or not he should continue his explanation. Chanshik reasons that if he does, he would finally (probably) be able to get her off his mind, so he continues; ”Her closest friend, the one who is always with her. Tall, attractive--" He stops himself abruptly.
Sandeul raises an eyebrow again, finally putting pieces of the puzzle together. He had heard Luna said something about this a while ago, but he really hadn’t been paying that much attention earlier.
"Are you talking about Krystal Jung?"
"I don’t know, am I?”
Sandeul finally laughs, shaking his head as he slowly understands what Luna has meant earlier about his friend being smitten by a female student. “Dude, if you want to court someone, you need to know her name first!”
Chanshik blinks his eyes once, twice. His cheeks begin to color. “Whoa, hold up, who said anything about courting anyone?”
“Your eyes do, buddy.” Sandeul winks, and leaves it at that. Speechless, Chanshik doesn’t say anything in his defense. Probably because deep down, he knows that Sandeul is right.
A few days later of passivity and both Sandeul and Luna’s endless teasing, Chanshik is surprised to find Choi Sulli flitting into his direction. She is bearing a smile so wide that Chanshik could almost sense why she is approaching him. “Hey, Gong Chanshik. I have a message for you.”
“Uh, what is it?” He asks with extreme caution, wondering if Luna has told Sulli about his crush interest on her friend.
Sulli’s smile seems to grow wider as she leans in to whisper. “A little birdy told me that my friend, Krystal, you know her, right? Yeah, she likes you.”
That, Chanshik thinks to himself, I did not see coming.
“It’s up to you if you want to believe it or not, because although Krystal is in deep denial at the moment, she definitely has a thing for you.” Sulli says in a sing-song voice, and a lump begins to lodge itself on his throat. “I…uh…”
Sulli waves a hand nonchalantly as she takes a few steps back. “My work here is done. The rest is up to you, Chanshik.” Giving him one last smile, Sulli leaves, leaving behind a stunned Chanshik who is still trying to digest everything he has heard.
Somehow, the news of Sulli telling Chanshik that Krystal likes him reaches Luna and Sandeul before he even spoke a word about it. Chanshik figures Sulli has probably teamed up with them, because Luna comes by a few hours later with a grin so similar to Sulli’s that he wishes the ground would just open up and swallow him whole.
“Guess what?”
Chanshik doesn’t want to guess, so he keeps mum. He knows that Luna would continue her sentence either way, so he waits nervously.
“Krystal knows that you like her too.”
He walks away immediately after hearing that, his eyes on the ground as he hastens his steps back to his dormitory. He could hear Luna cackling behind him as his cheeks flushes a deep red. Chanshik doesn’t exactly understand why he is feeling this way, only that hearing his crush knows that he likes her and that she actually likes him back is something he has never seen coming.
Chanshik concludes that it is time to step up in his game. Might as well.
Finally gathering enough courage to act upon the rumors hanging in the air regarding the both of them, (and partially also because their friends wouldn’t stop leaving them alone) Chanshik acknowledges Krystal’s presence with a smile and a curt nod. He could still remember, even till this day, what Krystal’s first few words with him had been.
“Ugh fuck, they ship us.”
Chanshik remembers also, that he had been vaguely confused. “Ship?” He asked while smiling and Krystal had explained with embarrassment in her tone.
Chanshik could sense her awkwardness and obvious shyness, so he tries to display an easy-going charm every time he is with her. He would talk non-stop over littlest things that don’t actually matter so that things don’t remain awkward between them. Although he is nervous as hell and knows that he would stutter really badly if he is to say anything else that isn’t random, Chanshik keeps his calm façade. He isn’t exactly looking for a romantic relationship with Krystal, because Chanshik thinks that being able to be her friend is enough privilege for an awkward boy like him.
In the pizza parlor, during their first date (if date is even the right word to describe it, Chanshik isn’t sure), he tells Krystal about his dream of wanting to produce music-something that only a few would know, as music and medicine do not often go hand in hand with one another. He hopes that their relationship has reached the point where he could threaten Krystal to buy his music one day, but to be honest, deep down, he knows that it is all walking on thin ice.
“Krystal?”
“Yeah?”
“You have dirt on your face.”
He may have tried too hard not to care too much though, because Chanshik finds himself in a state of confusion one day. He doesn’t know if he should remain as casual and comfortable with Krystal, or if he should just tell her straight up, confess to her, that he likes her and wishes they could be more than friends.
Between the lines of wanting to be friends forever, and wanting something more, Chanshik doesn’t know until years later that neither decision would have mattered, for eventually, he would lose her anyway.
It is late at night at the train station, and Chanshik doesn’t know how on earth he managed to convince Krystal to tag along in his nightly adventures.
“A pre-med student needs time to refresh his mind, you know.” He casually says as he waits for the next train to arrive. Krystal is muttering curses under her breath beside him.
“What does that got to do with riding the last train?” She mumbles in annoyance, forcing herself to stay awake. “I can’t believe I let you drag me along in this nonsensical plan of yours. I should have known better ever since that night in the playground.”
Chanshik smiles, putting an arm around Krystal and pushing her head gently against his shoulder. He could hear the train approaching. “When have my plans not be nonsensical? Getting on the last train is cool, is it not? Like…knowing that if you miss this train, you wouldn’t be able to go back home.”
Krystal pushes him away just as the last train halts in front of them. “You’re mentally ill, Gong Chanshik. You can always take the cab.”
“Aw, wouldn’t that be cool though, the first mentally ill surgeon in South Korea. Now are you getting on the train or not?”
Krystal doesn’t know why she keeps up with his craziness, but she gets on the train anyway.
“I have tons of assignments to do and look at what I am doing? Missing ten trains just to wait for the last!” Krystal says in a fake merrily tone, and Chanshik laughs out loud. Just to spite her, he flicks her forehead every time she nearly dozes off to sleep, and Krystal swears she would strangle him if she has the energy to.
Chanshik laughs it off easily. “You wouldn’t do that, because you love me too much.”
There’s a short pause as he sees how a faint blush has appeared on Krystal’s face. She quickly darts a glare so deadly at him though, that Chanshik doubts that he even saw that blush appearing.
"You vain man, you love yourself too much is what you mean."
Soon enough, Chanshik stops caring.
It all started with his exams and never-ending projects that he could not wrestle himself from. Then slowly, he just isn’t bothered anymore to care or maintain his friendship with Krystal. He figures that it is enough; all the period of leaving Krystal in a state of confusion with questions piling up in her mind, if they are together together, if he actually loved her, if just being friends were satisfying enough.
Surely Krystal has gotten tired of it (him)? Why care for a relationship that would never have an ending? Or a relationship that never had a true beginning?
(“Are you toying with her, Gong Chanshik?”
“I’m not, Luna. I’m just really busy at the moment.”
“I’m disappointed in you.”
“Yeah, I guess I am too.”)
Chanshik has never regretted meeting Krystal in college. All his frail attempts at annoying the heck out of her to hide how he truly feels. All the endless conversations till 3 in the morning with her, he has never regretted them.
What he has regretted most though, is that he broke her heart and left memories behind, memories that she will never be able to erase from her mind. That is one of the biggest mistakes Chanshik has ever made, and he is sorry that Krystal has to live through it forever.
He hears about it soon enough; the rumor of Krystal now dating her close friend, Kim Jongin, and then a week later, a confirmation from Sulli and Luna themselves. It isn't all too surprising for him to hear that, seeing how they haven't spoken in days, and Chanshik doesn't bother to fix what he has broken in the first place. Ironically though, in his defense, he would say that nothing ever truly started between the both of them anyway.
It is three months later when he found enough courage to speak to her again, using an excuse that he needs someone to listen to his new mixtape. Somehow, he manages to rope Krystal into sitting in the same room as him and again, he has to act as if nothing happened. He continues his usual uncaring façade. Deep down, Chanshik is sorry that Krystal has to sit through this again-he is getting tired of this himself, but there is nothing else he could do but to pretend, especially since Krystal has moved on.
Or maybe she hasn’t, because they are barely in the conversation for five minutes and she suddenly explodes in both anger and annoyance. Chanshik barely has the time to react as Krystal hastily grabs her bag to leave. He is slightly alarmed (weren’t they fine just moments ago?) as he watches her turn around, ready to leave and yet he doesn’t say anything, doesn’t do anything to stop her.
Chanshik thinks it is best to stay quiet, to let her leave and slam the door in his face. He is pathetic, utterly pathetic for breaking her heart yet once again. It is as though he has never learned his lesson-stay away from Krystal, safe her from another round of heartbreak-why is that so difficult for him to understand?
(Weren’t we fine just moments ago?) Chanshik realizes the answer as he stares at the closed door. (We were never fine to begin with.)
It is a cycle of mistakes, on repeat.
We’re a mistake, Soojung.
He used to tell Krystal that her eyes remind him so much of galaxies in motion, chasing supernovas a tail after another, if ever such a thing even exists. Chanshik could still remember what her response had been to his cheesy pick-up line (“you’re not getting girls that way,”) and years later, he knows that she is right. Perhaps that is the reason why he never uses that same line with another girl. Perhaps he knows that no sane girl would fall for him through those foolish words. Or perhaps it is because that line holds so much significance in his memory that it is specially reserved for Krystal and only her.
"You two were perfect for each other.”
Sandeul says that sentence one day, when Chanshik is just staring absentmindedly at the wall in a cafe. He doesn’t shift his attention from the wall, but quirks an eyebrow in confusion.
"Who is?" He asks, as Sandeul rolls his eyes and resumes drinking his coffee.
At his friend’s silence, Chanshik doesn't need to even ask, to be honest, because he knows exactly who Sandeul had meant. “Maybe.” He replies in a sort of nostalgic tone, balancing between the past he wishes so much to return to but could never, and the reality today. “But she isn’t who I am engaged to.”
“I have no hard feelings for Minah, you know I adore her.” Sandeul immediately defends himself, offering a small smile to Chanshik who is finally looking at him. “I just thought…you know,”
“Yeah, I know.” Chanshik nods, bearing no ill feelings to what Sandeul had said.
A year after quitting his music producing career and redirecting his pathway back to medicine, Chanshik meets the one. That is long after he has stopped using Krystal as his music inspiration, when her name has finally become just a distant memory, a ghost of his past.
Minah isn't like Krystal. In fact, they are nothing similar to one another. But unlike Krystal, whose name is a synonym to mistake, whose relationship line is a complete parallel to his, Chanshik is convinced that Minah is the woman he would marry one day.
“What are you going to do if Krystal shows up in your wedding?”
“I would greet her with a smile, obviously. We are friends, after all.”
Sandeul heaves a sigh. “Why invite her in the first place?”
“I didn’t want her to feel left out. We are friends.” Chanshik repeats, although deep down, he isn’t sure if inviting Krystal was the right thing to do. “I’m not forcing her to come, though. It is understandable if she doesn’t want to.”
“Why,” Sandeul begins again in an exasperated tone that Chanshik knows he very well deserves. “do you keep making these mistakes?”
Chanshik shrugs. He doesn’t answer that it is his fate, that everything Krystal is a mistake, and there is no possible exit from it.
Seven years of not meeting her face to face, Chanshik would have thought he would be more excited or astonished to see her standing in front of him. It would be a lie though, if he says that he hasn’t been expecting this visit for days. Maybe that is why seeing her sudden appearance in his attic has not been a surprise at all. She is still as beautiful and radiant as he remembers her to be, with long brown locks framing her face and Chanshik feels the wave of bittersweet memories flooding into his mind when she smiles at him.
His heart, though, does not skip a beat.
“You didn’t call.”
“You never answer.”
It isn't that Chanshik doesn't love Krystal. He does, and very much did. He doesn't know exactly where they've gone wrong or why she isn’t the woman he is going to marry (or maybe he does, he just doesn’t want to admit it). Heck, he doesn't know the answers to the many questions in his mind. He doesn't even understand how he willingly lost her in the first place, how he allowed himself to let her slip through his fingers. It is something he assumed had been right back then, but when he thinks about it again now, none of it made any sense.
But then again, his relationship with Krystal never did make much sense. There was no definite direction as to where they were headed, only that they talked to each other a lot and he annoyed her a lot, and probably, even hurt her a lot. (But when has love ever make sense, anyway?)
Maybe it is because Chanshik was young; immature and stupid, unappreciative of something as fragile as love. He thought he would get over her, or that she would understand the things he had done. He didn’t know that this would latch onto him forever, becoming a burden he would have to carry for life. (That is what first true loves would do to you.)
“I see you’ve finally gotten yourself a car.”
“I actually prefer not to use it, though.”
“What sort of logic is that?”
“Gong Chanshik’s nonsensical logic.”
He works it out though, as he watches Krystal drives away after their twenty minute conversation, that it is best never to know the whys and hows and what ifs. Because Minah, is his will be, and his forever.
While Krystal is his had been, an almost and his once upon a time.
(They were never meant to be.)
--