Classic "the honeymoon is over" lament
For some reason I didn't imagine that I'd be waking up at 4 am for the third night in a row, checking my cell phone desperately, physically aching. I had forgotten the reality of romantic relations. Feelings change. I can't control someone else's feelings and should never strive to.
The stark contrast of then and now is so stark, and like a mother whose breasts still swell with milk for the infant that has already been taken away, I still ache with love to give. I love her so much.... enough to keep the neurotic needy beast inside away from her. Instead I let it run around in my head, my journal, through various housemates and friends and other outlets. "healthy" outlets.
The relationship isn't over. I mean, as of right now. Just taking a few days apart to regroup. Conversed about the shift, and the need to rewhole the halves of the relationship. It eases me a bit thinking about the general phases of romantic relationships.... but that seems to concern her more. Where I find comfort in knowing what's happening is common and normal, she doesn't like the idea of our relationship being like every other relationship.
I think I may do something wonderfully dramatic and go for a 6:30 am run and wind up in the cemetery where we laid in a cleared out mausoleum together on our first date. I will probably lay in the exact place I laid then, and try to recall word for word and feeling for feeling that moment in our history. Then I'll cry and shout angry things and wave my fist at love. And maybe then I'll have my fix of mourning for how things were in the beginning, because I have to do that, but I can't stay in it for long.
The stark contrast of then and now is so stark, and like a mother whose breasts still swell with milk for the infant that has already been taken away, I still ache with love to give. I love her so much.... enough to keep the neurotic needy beast inside away from her. Instead I let it run around in my head, my journal, through various housemates and friends and other outlets. "healthy" outlets.
The relationship isn't over. I mean, as of right now. Just taking a few days apart to regroup. Conversed about the shift, and the need to rewhole the halves of the relationship. It eases me a bit thinking about the general phases of romantic relationships.... but that seems to concern her more. Where I find comfort in knowing what's happening is common and normal, she doesn't like the idea of our relationship being like every other relationship.
I think I may do something wonderfully dramatic and go for a 6:30 am run and wind up in the cemetery where we laid in a cleared out mausoleum together on our first date. I will probably lay in the exact place I laid then, and try to recall word for word and feeling for feeling that moment in our history. Then I'll cry and shout angry things and wave my fist at love. And maybe then I'll have my fix of mourning for how things were in the beginning, because I have to do that, but I can't stay in it for long.