I'm back!
So yeah. I don't really feel the need to go into what happened since I'm sure you all know and/or have guessed, and there's no reason to drag it online.
The basic point is that I don't know the person who I've become and I don't like him. I'm behind in my work, I just flat out skipped a bunch of assignments, I'm practically sabotaging my efforts to get out of here. The truth is that I've been so dedicated to protecting the status quo for so long now, that I don't even know how to do something different anymore. Everything evolves to survive, everything changes. And I can't ignore that anymore.
I've hurt people, and I know I have. My indecisiveness has come at the cost of even the hope of friendship with an amazing person, being isolated from people here who I could have been getting to know, of making friends and moving on. I have to wonder how many bridges I've burned trying not to burn any bridges. It's ironic when you think about it, by living trying not to hurt anybody, you end up doing the most damage.
A very special person said some things to me, and she was right. I'm a coward. I ALWAYS play it safe, always make sure I'm not going to be hurt first. Everything I do is a calculated effort to insure my own safety. Not anymore. It's no longer about going for my goals as long as I don't have to risk anything for them, as long as I don't have to change for them.
I screwed up, I can admit that now. I screwed up big time. By not taking any action, by sitting around in an indecisive stupor for so long, I let everything around me fall apart and I did nothing to fix that. I've even stopped writing. My life has come to a grinding halt.
And I'm not depressed about that. But it's time for things to start moving again. My friends, I have been dead for a long time, and now I'm back. I remember the things Russell stands for as a human being, and I'm going back to those things. He's for ambition, for change. Not for the status quo. He's for risks, and for falling down and getting back up. He's for working his ass of when necessary, and for learning and growing. I can finally say that I'm willing to accept the sacrifices of change. I hope that you guys can see that this is who I am and what I have to do, but if not, it doesn't matter. I will fight for your friendships, but I won't sacrifice who I am for them anymore. Life is too short to waste time being what somebody else wants you to be.
If this is goodbye... for any of you, I'm sorry if it seems that I've failed you. I probably have. And I am glad that I knew you. I regret hurting you, but personally I'm thankful for every minute.
Now to go make this more than a bunch of high-minded talk.
The basic point is that I don't know the person who I've become and I don't like him. I'm behind in my work, I just flat out skipped a bunch of assignments, I'm practically sabotaging my efforts to get out of here. The truth is that I've been so dedicated to protecting the status quo for so long now, that I don't even know how to do something different anymore. Everything evolves to survive, everything changes. And I can't ignore that anymore.
I've hurt people, and I know I have. My indecisiveness has come at the cost of even the hope of friendship with an amazing person, being isolated from people here who I could have been getting to know, of making friends and moving on. I have to wonder how many bridges I've burned trying not to burn any bridges. It's ironic when you think about it, by living trying not to hurt anybody, you end up doing the most damage.
A very special person said some things to me, and she was right. I'm a coward. I ALWAYS play it safe, always make sure I'm not going to be hurt first. Everything I do is a calculated effort to insure my own safety. Not anymore. It's no longer about going for my goals as long as I don't have to risk anything for them, as long as I don't have to change for them.
I screwed up, I can admit that now. I screwed up big time. By not taking any action, by sitting around in an indecisive stupor for so long, I let everything around me fall apart and I did nothing to fix that. I've even stopped writing. My life has come to a grinding halt.
And I'm not depressed about that. But it's time for things to start moving again. My friends, I have been dead for a long time, and now I'm back. I remember the things Russell stands for as a human being, and I'm going back to those things. He's for ambition, for change. Not for the status quo. He's for risks, and for falling down and getting back up. He's for working his ass of when necessary, and for learning and growing. I can finally say that I'm willing to accept the sacrifices of change. I hope that you guys can see that this is who I am and what I have to do, but if not, it doesn't matter. I will fight for your friendships, but I won't sacrifice who I am for them anymore. Life is too short to waste time being what somebody else wants you to be.
If this is goodbye... for any of you, I'm sorry if it seems that I've failed you. I probably have. And I am glad that I knew you. I regret hurting you, but personally I'm thankful for every minute.
Now to go make this more than a bunch of high-minded talk.