sigh

[the_violet_fire]

I hate being faced with difficult situations. I never realized how little of adult decisions I made when I was with Wayne. I guess when only one person is an adult in a relationship, it makes it hard to feel real grown up sometimes. I would love to say that every decision that I have made in the past has been a good one, but we all know that is a lie. No one makes all good decisions. I wouldn't give back any of the years that I have lived, not even for one great moment that I may never experience without giving up the memories that I already own. But I would however wonder what things may have been like if different decisions would have been made. People always say to take risks, to do something out of the ordinary for yourself, but what are they really telling you to do? Not really telling either, but more suggesting. I do realize now that getting married was probably not the best thing that Wayne and I should have done... but you know what we gave it our best. And even though he may not admit to it, most of those 7 years were some great times. To have a spouse leave you is like being rejected by the one person that is supposed to be your everything. They are supposed to be your best friend. The person that is supposed to be your best friend that knows every single thing about you. It hurts and I won't lie. I cannot say and be honest that I haven't cried over the fact that I feel like I not only WAS cheated on, but that I have been cheated. I never once treated him badly in fact I gave him my all. But it goes to show that money, and love don't always mean everything. You cannot love someone that cannot seem to love you back, but will stick around enough to have you buy hundreds of dollars worth of shit. I honestly look around my room, and wonder what the hell I have worked so hard for, for the past 10 years... I see nothing. In my life I have nothing to say is mine. A room that was so full of "things" were all his. I have a car, that I pay for, to get to work... that is not in my name,I pay rent $200 every two weeks, I pay insurance. And I pay for my medications. Other than that everything else usually went to him. I realize just how much it cost for everything now. Because I can actually go out and buy something a week after being paid cause I haven't spent my whole check.
In all honesty though I really do hope that Misty and Wayne are happy. I am convinced that they were meant for each other. If fate is real then maybe I will soon know who I was meant to be with as well. I may have an idea, but that is just an idea... we can only just wait and see.

<3