Anger and Bitterness
Upon doing some introspection and soul searching I've come to realize I have a lot to be angry about, to be bitter about, but that I often let it go in the intrest of a "peaceful" day. So perhaps its time I acknowledge these things and the feelings that come with them in the intrest of self clarity.
I am angry and resentful at how Magus manipulated me. He abused the fact that I wanted to "grow up" and tried to make me something I hate. When I resisted he made me feel like a horrible person. He never let me become comfortable with myself physically or sexually instead he tried to force me to go from innocent to bisexual sexcrazed slut. This left me very uncomfortable and confused with my sexuality. I hate what he did to me financially. If he was in a bad mood or upset he made feel like it was my responsibility to buy him something or take him out for Outback to cheer him up. This decimated my finances and i will be suffering the consequences for decades. I resent his reluctance to pay back the small amount (comparitively) I've asked for. I resent being stuck with the very difficult task of getting rid of the damn time share and having to pay for the maintenance fee by myself since he wants nothing more to do with it. His excuse that he was hoping to go to Full Sail (college) sometime in 2010 is also something that angers me. I've now been to 3 colleges trying to finish my damn degree. It was my relationship with him that screwed me over at the first one. I'd have my degree if not for him. I'd have my savings if not for him. I'd have decent credit if not for him. He didn't have a fucking job 75% of the time we were together, I supported his lazy ass. and he'd make the argument that he didn't "make me" do anything. Which is wrong. He manipulated me to feel like I was the worst person in the world if I let him down. And by let him down, I mean if I said "no" to whatever he asked for. Pay me my fucking money asshole. It's the least you can do after fucking me over so badly. I am resentful that he is now paid more than me and has a better job. Why couldn't he fucking do that when we were together? Now by no means do I want to get back together with him, I just hate that he couldn't get his shit together until I broke up with him.
I resent Miaka (yes it's a fake name), who was once my highschool best friend. She lied to me and spoke horribly about me behind my back. She didn't have the guts to just tell me she didn't want to be friends anymore to my face but was fully willing to undermine my friendships with everyone else we were friends with. I resent that she has a decent life after she fucked me and our friends over and doesn't regret it. She is why I am reluctant and suspicous of women and can't make friends. She made me doubt my own mind, "Re-writting history" so that she came out looking great but that I was a screw up when all I did was be very naive and look up to her. I still don't even know why she hated me, I just know that she did. And now I suspect any female that wants to be my friend. I doubt thier ability to be genuine and intelligent at the same time, and I can't stand shallow women.
To a degree I resent finding out from my friends about the shit Miaka pulled. Oddly I feel like it reduced my self esteem and caused me to doubt my sense of self-awareness to find out what she was doing from my other friends but only well after the fact. I think it hurt to find out that our mutual friends knew what she was doing to pull them away from me and that they didn't call her on it. That they let her pull them away. I know her methods were just very effective (suicide threats usually are) but still it hurts to know I became less important because I wasn't psycotic. It also hurts to feel like because I was excluded in the "fight to save Miaka" that I can never be as close to those highschool friends as they now are with each other. So Miaka is still seperating us...
I am pissed at the Catholic church and what it did to screw over my childhood and belief system. As I've gotten older I've learned more and more about the Church's history and been exposed to thier special brand of manipulation. Having at least some amount of intelligence, matching the two things together exposes the church as hypocritical, predictably sacrilegous, bigoted, racist, sexist, political and in general a fairly evil institution that promises that which it cannot give. I resent the emotional and spiritual pain it has put me through. I feel violated by Priest Lang ( I wont calll priests Father anymore, they don't deserve such a title) He would condem me to hell in the afterlife if I didn't condemn myself to it in life. Meaning he said he would not forgive my sins unless I married Magus. I'm glad I didn't cave into that pressure, and I intend to let Lang know what it was he tried to make me do and that he is in fact the catalyst for my new found realization that the Aetheists probably have it right.
I have a lot of bitterness toward parents, children and men. I think the men thing is a mixed result of the bitterness developed around my father and Magus. Both of whom have hurt me in very deep and lasting ways. And because of them I can't even afford the mental therapy I need to get over it. Parents and children is a mixed result of how I see parents screwing thier kids up daily, how spoiled and demanding and disrespectful the kids are and that I'm not allowed to choose to become infertile without approval from the state. I am very resentful at the idea that my sanity is questioned because I don't want kids but there are mothers reported on the news almost daily who have abused or neglected thier children. Who the fuck let these women have kids? Apparently the state is more concerned about the unborn unfertilized children than the already alive ones, but wait no abortion is legal so the state just wants to invade my privacy because the people running it don't agree with my choice.
I resent that whenever I vent about my feelings of anger, depression, anxiety, bitterness or any other "negative" emotion that something in the back of my mind tells me that these feelings are invalid and stupid. I can thank my father for that quirk. It makes me feel like so much less of a human being to automatically think my own feelings are invalid the moment I have them. How fucked up is that? why can't I shut that stupid idea up? And why after all the effort I've put into being a good person is my life the least succesful of the people I know, especialy in comparison to the people who ahve hurt me so badly?
I am angry and resentful at how Magus manipulated me. He abused the fact that I wanted to "grow up" and tried to make me something I hate. When I resisted he made me feel like a horrible person. He never let me become comfortable with myself physically or sexually instead he tried to force me to go from innocent to bisexual sexcrazed slut. This left me very uncomfortable and confused with my sexuality. I hate what he did to me financially. If he was in a bad mood or upset he made feel like it was my responsibility to buy him something or take him out for Outback to cheer him up. This decimated my finances and i will be suffering the consequences for decades. I resent his reluctance to pay back the small amount (comparitively) I've asked for. I resent being stuck with the very difficult task of getting rid of the damn time share and having to pay for the maintenance fee by myself since he wants nothing more to do with it. His excuse that he was hoping to go to Full Sail (college) sometime in 2010 is also something that angers me. I've now been to 3 colleges trying to finish my damn degree. It was my relationship with him that screwed me over at the first one. I'd have my degree if not for him. I'd have my savings if not for him. I'd have decent credit if not for him. He didn't have a fucking job 75% of the time we were together, I supported his lazy ass. and he'd make the argument that he didn't "make me" do anything. Which is wrong. He manipulated me to feel like I was the worst person in the world if I let him down. And by let him down, I mean if I said "no" to whatever he asked for. Pay me my fucking money asshole. It's the least you can do after fucking me over so badly. I am resentful that he is now paid more than me and has a better job. Why couldn't he fucking do that when we were together? Now by no means do I want to get back together with him, I just hate that he couldn't get his shit together until I broke up with him.
I resent Miaka (yes it's a fake name), who was once my highschool best friend. She lied to me and spoke horribly about me behind my back. She didn't have the guts to just tell me she didn't want to be friends anymore to my face but was fully willing to undermine my friendships with everyone else we were friends with. I resent that she has a decent life after she fucked me and our friends over and doesn't regret it. She is why I am reluctant and suspicous of women and can't make friends. She made me doubt my own mind, "Re-writting history" so that she came out looking great but that I was a screw up when all I did was be very naive and look up to her. I still don't even know why she hated me, I just know that she did. And now I suspect any female that wants to be my friend. I doubt thier ability to be genuine and intelligent at the same time, and I can't stand shallow women.
To a degree I resent finding out from my friends about the shit Miaka pulled. Oddly I feel like it reduced my self esteem and caused me to doubt my sense of self-awareness to find out what she was doing from my other friends but only well after the fact. I think it hurt to find out that our mutual friends knew what she was doing to pull them away from me and that they didn't call her on it. That they let her pull them away. I know her methods were just very effective (suicide threats usually are) but still it hurts to know I became less important because I wasn't psycotic. It also hurts to feel like because I was excluded in the "fight to save Miaka" that I can never be as close to those highschool friends as they now are with each other. So Miaka is still seperating us...
I am pissed at the Catholic church and what it did to screw over my childhood and belief system. As I've gotten older I've learned more and more about the Church's history and been exposed to thier special brand of manipulation. Having at least some amount of intelligence, matching the two things together exposes the church as hypocritical, predictably sacrilegous, bigoted, racist, sexist, political and in general a fairly evil institution that promises that which it cannot give. I resent the emotional and spiritual pain it has put me through. I feel violated by Priest Lang ( I wont calll priests Father anymore, they don't deserve such a title) He would condem me to hell in the afterlife if I didn't condemn myself to it in life. Meaning he said he would not forgive my sins unless I married Magus. I'm glad I didn't cave into that pressure, and I intend to let Lang know what it was he tried to make me do and that he is in fact the catalyst for my new found realization that the Aetheists probably have it right.
I have a lot of bitterness toward parents, children and men. I think the men thing is a mixed result of the bitterness developed around my father and Magus. Both of whom have hurt me in very deep and lasting ways. And because of them I can't even afford the mental therapy I need to get over it. Parents and children is a mixed result of how I see parents screwing thier kids up daily, how spoiled and demanding and disrespectful the kids are and that I'm not allowed to choose to become infertile without approval from the state. I am very resentful at the idea that my sanity is questioned because I don't want kids but there are mothers reported on the news almost daily who have abused or neglected thier children. Who the fuck let these women have kids? Apparently the state is more concerned about the unborn unfertilized children than the already alive ones, but wait no abortion is legal so the state just wants to invade my privacy because the people running it don't agree with my choice.
I resent that whenever I vent about my feelings of anger, depression, anxiety, bitterness or any other "negative" emotion that something in the back of my mind tells me that these feelings are invalid and stupid. I can thank my father for that quirk. It makes me feel like so much less of a human being to automatically think my own feelings are invalid the moment I have them. How fucked up is that? why can't I shut that stupid idea up? And why after all the effort I've put into being a good person is my life the least succesful of the people I know, especialy in comparison to the people who ahve hurt me so badly?