Is it falling apart again?
As is often the case I am at my desk at work when I update this. I haven't in such a long time because I've not had much I felt needed to be vented about which is why I made this page. It seems though I now have something I need to get off my chest least I breakdown into tears at work.
I don't know yet but I think Hentai and I are falling apart. I don't know why but I can name a few possible reasons: I'm blowing our fights and his bad mood out of proportion; he's gotten used to me, which would mean that my persistent clinginess and attention have started to bug him; my polly-anna approach to life has become annoying; he didn't realize how hard my debt makes it to enjoy ones own paycheck and he resents me for it; he's self-sabotaging; he doesn't love me anymore but isn't ready to admit it... I could probably think of plenty of increasingly depressing reasons but that would defeat the purpose of this entry.
I'm seeing a lot of the negative patterns with Hentai that I faced with Magus. It really hurts to admit it too. Because that means either I have again eneterd into a relationship that I knew would be rough but overestimated my ability to handle it or I have a sub-conscious tendency to make myself a victim. I just don't know what to do and I'm afraid of being trapped in a bad situation again. The fact that I'm afraid of being in the situation again alone scares me. There's no denying that Hentai saved me from Magus. There is nothing anyone can say to change that, I owe him for that because I couldn't have gotten out of it on my own. But I know and he knows that I do not want it to happen again. I don't want to hurt him, and he doesn't want to hurt me but that's what's been happening lately...
We don't talk anymore. When we were friends we seemed to talk so openly. I suppose that may have been because we had something to talk about in Magus and his clique of gamers. Now I only get single syllable and usually incoherent answers when I try to talk with him. When I try to understand why he reacts however he reacts to something it seems to make him upset, so I don't even know what I'm doing wrong anymore. We don't really hang out anymore either. Hentai misses hanging with his friends. He says he can't because of the money issues... We don't cuddle and cling anymore. I feel like an intruder in my own home... again. I feel unwanted, unappreciated, a burden. I feel comfort in knowing that I do not miss Magus or regret leaving Magus. So I still have something of my wits about me. But I don't like the feeling of impending doom, and not knowing if whatever brings about that doom will be a conscious choice or a result of a sub conscious act of self-destruction.
I do know that Henati can see this posting. In fact with the way people update around here he may be the only one. This post probably will not make anything better between us, it could even make it worse... On the one hand I want to hurt him for him hurting me. On the other I don't want to hurt him and I want to apologize for whatever it is I did to make him mad in the first place. I just know I'm very hurt right now and need to express it somehow or make myself sick.
And I know I want to talk. I want to talk about why we are pulling apart. I want to talk about if we can or should come back together. I want to talk about the realities of our mutual emotional and mental issues that may be the root of the problem, and if so what we need to do about it before it gets worse. I want us to talk about what we expect from each other, what we want from each other, what we are okay doing for each other and what we are not okay doing for each other. I want us to realize that love is not enough to make things perfect. I want us to know what is enough to make things perfect, or at least close enough to perfect that we will be satisfied.
I don't know yet but I think Hentai and I are falling apart. I don't know why but I can name a few possible reasons: I'm blowing our fights and his bad mood out of proportion; he's gotten used to me, which would mean that my persistent clinginess and attention have started to bug him; my polly-anna approach to life has become annoying; he didn't realize how hard my debt makes it to enjoy ones own paycheck and he resents me for it; he's self-sabotaging; he doesn't love me anymore but isn't ready to admit it... I could probably think of plenty of increasingly depressing reasons but that would defeat the purpose of this entry.
I'm seeing a lot of the negative patterns with Hentai that I faced with Magus. It really hurts to admit it too. Because that means either I have again eneterd into a relationship that I knew would be rough but overestimated my ability to handle it or I have a sub-conscious tendency to make myself a victim. I just don't know what to do and I'm afraid of being trapped in a bad situation again. The fact that I'm afraid of being in the situation again alone scares me. There's no denying that Hentai saved me from Magus. There is nothing anyone can say to change that, I owe him for that because I couldn't have gotten out of it on my own. But I know and he knows that I do not want it to happen again. I don't want to hurt him, and he doesn't want to hurt me but that's what's been happening lately...
We don't talk anymore. When we were friends we seemed to talk so openly. I suppose that may have been because we had something to talk about in Magus and his clique of gamers. Now I only get single syllable and usually incoherent answers when I try to talk with him. When I try to understand why he reacts however he reacts to something it seems to make him upset, so I don't even know what I'm doing wrong anymore. We don't really hang out anymore either. Hentai misses hanging with his friends. He says he can't because of the money issues... We don't cuddle and cling anymore. I feel like an intruder in my own home... again. I feel unwanted, unappreciated, a burden. I feel comfort in knowing that I do not miss Magus or regret leaving Magus. So I still have something of my wits about me. But I don't like the feeling of impending doom, and not knowing if whatever brings about that doom will be a conscious choice or a result of a sub conscious act of self-destruction.
I do know that Henati can see this posting. In fact with the way people update around here he may be the only one. This post probably will not make anything better between us, it could even make it worse... On the one hand I want to hurt him for him hurting me. On the other I don't want to hurt him and I want to apologize for whatever it is I did to make him mad in the first place. I just know I'm very hurt right now and need to express it somehow or make myself sick.
And I know I want to talk. I want to talk about why we are pulling apart. I want to talk about if we can or should come back together. I want to talk about the realities of our mutual emotional and mental issues that may be the root of the problem, and if so what we need to do about it before it gets worse. I want us to talk about what we expect from each other, what we want from each other, what we are okay doing for each other and what we are not okay doing for each other. I want us to realize that love is not enough to make things perfect. I want us to know what is enough to make things perfect, or at least close enough to perfect that we will be satisfied.