she says she's no good with words...
...but i'm worse.
Anyways. It's been a while since I kicked one of these off with a lyrical line.
Who am I kidding. It's been a while since i've written a good one. Today will seem no different. I just feel like venting. See, I'm slightly broke, and we're out of groceries. Yesterday, as a result, I vomited blood...twice. It was painful as fuck. I'm better now...still tired though.
it really took a lot out of my body.
this goes along with saturday. See, I haven't eaten a genuine meal since friday. Danny was still here, but he left with his fiance to go back home. They are still there right now. This leaves me vehicle-less. Firday night I also had to go to a forum where Ann Richards was speaking...you know...democratic former governor of Texas...also quite a bitch in my book. Funny though. I give her that. That left me quite bored. I got back, and danny was already gone. these things also left me quite alone for my birthday.
My gifts, BTW, included $20 from my grandparents in a card (the only money currently to my name) and surround sound system for my room (compliments of danny...he knew he was going to leave, so he gave it to me friday with all hopes that it would make up for it). KC (best friend) never called me, Jessenda (little sister) never called me...in fact, other than family, I got 3 calls that day.
First was Maritza. It was her birthday too, so we had planned months ago to call eachother first. It's not everyday you meet someone who shares your birthday, and we've always found it pretty cool. My third call was Rae...it was much later in the day, but still counted. Now, while 2 of the most important people of my life didn't call me at all, my second call was from someone I assumed still didn't want to talk to me.
that's right ladies and gentlemen. Kim called me. We talked for about 30-45 minutes. We caught up a little. She asked if I was down, or when I was going back down. We had a genuine conversation...it made me smile, and baffled me at the same time. I wasn't ever sure what to talk about or what to say. I kept it rather breif...I figured she and I could only handle so much of each other anyway.
could you see how my weekend went?
not done yet...
so Saturday, I spent alone until about 10 p.m. Rose, along with Zach Ryan and Allan, and I all went for coffee. Putting coffee in me when there was no food...kinda killed my digestive system. Not to mention, rose made me feel like a bad person for being sad about my birthday. I took off later with Rae to Ihop...I ate a salad...barely stomached it. It tasted so good...but I threw it back up an hour later. I told you I killed my stomach.
Sunday, at about 1 a.m. KC finally called me. He was tired, and I figured out he'd been working with the football team all day. First at practice, then helping at a carnival with little kids. He sounded beat, and so I told him to get rest, but I appreciated his call. Sunday, I got on WoW (because Lent says I can on sundays) and KC got on just to run me through a few instances to make up for the day before. I got a new Helm and Necklace, but they require 39, and I'm only 38. I'll try to get them on next sunday...otherwise, sometime after Lent but before the launch of the expansion i'll be wearing them
That was all of sunday. all. I washed dishes, cleaned almost everything except for my room, and...napped. not a good nap either. I still feel lagged. None of my sleep has been good either. Lots of nightmares. Yet again, i think a result of lack of food. Monday...class...blood...and so forth. I hate when my mouth salivates profusely...because then I KNOW the vomit is coming...and even thought there is NOTHING in my stomach to purge from my body, the reflex still occurs. My body forced all my acid out, and then squeezed so hard that blood came after it.
...I was going to eat later that night but never did. I had like 4 peices of some generic store brand ravioli, a few cheetos, and a couple of hand fuls of corn-pops...my body was pissed at me, and I neglected to remember that I had NO ACIDS LEFT to digest. They came back out later...with more blood.
*sigh*
after that, before I went to bed I did 3 things:
1) Read wolf's latest entry (we'll get back to that)
2) Wrote a new song (that too)
3) wrote a 2 page paper on ann richards' speech (in first person...)
...and then further avoided writing my programs. not as though it matters. I'm probably going to fail anyways...but I could at least give it a fighting chance of success...but no.
-----> So by now i'm at least semi-sure i've mentioned wolf to ya'll. Well, a little over a month ago, she was planning on committing suicide. Her boyfriend was tired of her even talking to other guys (namely, I believe in this case, me). He broke up with her, left their apartment, and when she tried to stop him, he hit her, and threw her to the side. All of this, including her impending self-inflictions of pain, goes down in Corpus Christi at 2 a.m. She says she needs someone there with her, and I opt to go (all the way from Denton) to see her and make sure she's ok. I fill up the truck with gas, and am talking to her on the phone, trying to talk sense into her...trying to save her. She starts to gain a little bit of sense of the situation...but I'm about an hour out of denton by now on 35 headed her way. She tells me "Wait...forget it...don't come...if he comes back and you're here, he'll kill you!" I'd already come to terms with that...I'd already accepted what he might do...I didn't care. My life is far less worth hers, as is the life of any of my friends. Still, we debated my coming...and she had me turn around. I stayed on the phone with her a little longer...she said "I need a shower" but not in a way that made me assume she was just going to shower...I told her that she had better call me in the morning or I was going to go there anyways and make sure she was ok personally. I stayed up all night...waiting for her call. It came at 10, but only for a moment...
...I hadn't heard from her since...but I was certain she was live. She doesn't sign on, doesn't update or make posts, and I call about once a week...and she doesn't answer. I did everything in my power to save a girl, and the only thing that convinced me she was alive was that I had a feeling. Well, yesterday she makes a post...and yesterday I find out, on my new screenname, that she has all my screennames blocked. I kinda figured it would come to this somehow...but not because of this. What the fuck do you say in situations such as these!? well, fuck it. I figure it's her boyfriend...like I said...i'm pretty sure this all started because of me...I guess getting rid of me is the only way to end it...
...and to make myself feel a little better...I wrote a song
Fly Me to the Moon Later
"When was it that saving someone's life became a cardinal sin?
and using your dexterity stopped meritting a win
in life. where nothing old, but only new
kept you from feeling black and blue
but you never stopped feeling borrowed.
time was bought on man's credit
and his coffee stains became battle scars
and real scars are faux paux purpose for attention
like tacky clothes and faster cars
Affliction for intention still lying on your bed
in the form of pink hearts and white angels...
...not the images, but the meds
drown a fucking rose in jack,
and drink your fucking coke with rocks
and filll your fucking lungs with black
it's the sign of scene for your epoch
I appologize for singing you Frank Sinatra
all those late nights on the phone.
...the moon only turns you into a monster
and dancing on the stars is dead
like innocence you brash imposter
like integrity or lies instead
And sorrowful am I for wanting
to spend waking moments in your arms
I didn't know the sun would end you...
...but now I wish I'd done more harm
drown a fucking rose in jack,
and drink your fucking coke with rocks
and howl at the moon at night
it's the sign of scene for your epoch
drown your fucking tears in vodka,
and drink the blood out of my neck
to make you vomit in the morning,
so that like me, you are a wreck.
and maybe then I'll wake up with you
for once in both our fucking lives.
and feel the withered pains that grip you
and corners that I'd been deprived.
we love, we laugh, to hear you crying
we live, we lurk, to hear you shout
you lust, you learn, to hide your secrets
you lost, your luck, has just run out
drown a fucking rose in jack,
and drink your fucking coke with rocks
and filll your fucking lungs with black
it's the sign of scene for your epoch
drown another boy in lies,
and drink your lovely cooler down
and filll your sweeping lungs with skies
it's the sign of change this time around..."
and you can see where all my angst went. But at least I'm writting again. That's a plus, right?
Anyways, I still feel like shit, and I have to start those programs tonight at least. I fly out on Friday at 6 a.m. and spend all day at derek's track meet. I hope Dario gets to compete varsity this week and I can see them both. I'm supposed to be surprising my mom by shopwing up at 9 a.m. says my dad, but she's pretty damn smart...so I doubt it'll fly. Maybe I'll get to see some old freinds at the meet...if I have anything to say about it, I'll probably be helping run the damn thing again. Harvey needs the help...I know it.
I have to finish the remainder of the day, but I wouldn't mind the company of anyone. Hopefully, danny heads back later today, and gets in tonight. I think my aunt was going to send me food. I pray that I can keep it down. Until then I fight my body and my eyelids to finish the day without killing me. Wish me luck.
-David Light Lucio
Anyways. It's been a while since I kicked one of these off with a lyrical line.
Who am I kidding. It's been a while since i've written a good one. Today will seem no different. I just feel like venting. See, I'm slightly broke, and we're out of groceries. Yesterday, as a result, I vomited blood...twice. It was painful as fuck. I'm better now...still tired though.
it really took a lot out of my body.
this goes along with saturday. See, I haven't eaten a genuine meal since friday. Danny was still here, but he left with his fiance to go back home. They are still there right now. This leaves me vehicle-less. Firday night I also had to go to a forum where Ann Richards was speaking...you know...democratic former governor of Texas...also quite a bitch in my book. Funny though. I give her that. That left me quite bored. I got back, and danny was already gone. these things also left me quite alone for my birthday.
My gifts, BTW, included $20 from my grandparents in a card (the only money currently to my name) and surround sound system for my room (compliments of danny...he knew he was going to leave, so he gave it to me friday with all hopes that it would make up for it). KC (best friend) never called me, Jessenda (little sister) never called me...in fact, other than family, I got 3 calls that day.
First was Maritza. It was her birthday too, so we had planned months ago to call eachother first. It's not everyday you meet someone who shares your birthday, and we've always found it pretty cool. My third call was Rae...it was much later in the day, but still counted. Now, while 2 of the most important people of my life didn't call me at all, my second call was from someone I assumed still didn't want to talk to me.
that's right ladies and gentlemen. Kim called me. We talked for about 30-45 minutes. We caught up a little. She asked if I was down, or when I was going back down. We had a genuine conversation...it made me smile, and baffled me at the same time. I wasn't ever sure what to talk about or what to say. I kept it rather breif...I figured she and I could only handle so much of each other anyway.
could you see how my weekend went?
not done yet...
so Saturday, I spent alone until about 10 p.m. Rose, along with Zach Ryan and Allan, and I all went for coffee. Putting coffee in me when there was no food...kinda killed my digestive system. Not to mention, rose made me feel like a bad person for being sad about my birthday. I took off later with Rae to Ihop...I ate a salad...barely stomached it. It tasted so good...but I threw it back up an hour later. I told you I killed my stomach.
Sunday, at about 1 a.m. KC finally called me. He was tired, and I figured out he'd been working with the football team all day. First at practice, then helping at a carnival with little kids. He sounded beat, and so I told him to get rest, but I appreciated his call. Sunday, I got on WoW (because Lent says I can on sundays) and KC got on just to run me through a few instances to make up for the day before. I got a new Helm and Necklace, but they require 39, and I'm only 38. I'll try to get them on next sunday...otherwise, sometime after Lent but before the launch of the expansion i'll be wearing them
That was all of sunday. all. I washed dishes, cleaned almost everything except for my room, and...napped. not a good nap either. I still feel lagged. None of my sleep has been good either. Lots of nightmares. Yet again, i think a result of lack of food. Monday...class...blood...and so forth. I hate when my mouth salivates profusely...because then I KNOW the vomit is coming...and even thought there is NOTHING in my stomach to purge from my body, the reflex still occurs. My body forced all my acid out, and then squeezed so hard that blood came after it.
...I was going to eat later that night but never did. I had like 4 peices of some generic store brand ravioli, a few cheetos, and a couple of hand fuls of corn-pops...my body was pissed at me, and I neglected to remember that I had NO ACIDS LEFT to digest. They came back out later...with more blood.
*sigh*
after that, before I went to bed I did 3 things:
1) Read wolf's latest entry (we'll get back to that)
2) Wrote a new song (that too)
3) wrote a 2 page paper on ann richards' speech (in first person...)
...and then further avoided writing my programs. not as though it matters. I'm probably going to fail anyways...but I could at least give it a fighting chance of success...but no.
-----> So by now i'm at least semi-sure i've mentioned wolf to ya'll. Well, a little over a month ago, she was planning on committing suicide. Her boyfriend was tired of her even talking to other guys (namely, I believe in this case, me). He broke up with her, left their apartment, and when she tried to stop him, he hit her, and threw her to the side. All of this, including her impending self-inflictions of pain, goes down in Corpus Christi at 2 a.m. She says she needs someone there with her, and I opt to go (all the way from Denton) to see her and make sure she's ok. I fill up the truck with gas, and am talking to her on the phone, trying to talk sense into her...trying to save her. She starts to gain a little bit of sense of the situation...but I'm about an hour out of denton by now on 35 headed her way. She tells me "Wait...forget it...don't come...if he comes back and you're here, he'll kill you!" I'd already come to terms with that...I'd already accepted what he might do...I didn't care. My life is far less worth hers, as is the life of any of my friends. Still, we debated my coming...and she had me turn around. I stayed on the phone with her a little longer...she said "I need a shower" but not in a way that made me assume she was just going to shower...I told her that she had better call me in the morning or I was going to go there anyways and make sure she was ok personally. I stayed up all night...waiting for her call. It came at 10, but only for a moment...
...I hadn't heard from her since...but I was certain she was live. She doesn't sign on, doesn't update or make posts, and I call about once a week...and she doesn't answer. I did everything in my power to save a girl, and the only thing that convinced me she was alive was that I had a feeling. Well, yesterday she makes a post...and yesterday I find out, on my new screenname, that she has all my screennames blocked. I kinda figured it would come to this somehow...but not because of this. What the fuck do you say in situations such as these!? well, fuck it. I figure it's her boyfriend...like I said...i'm pretty sure this all started because of me...I guess getting rid of me is the only way to end it...
...and to make myself feel a little better...I wrote a song
Fly Me to the Moon Later
"When was it that saving someone's life became a cardinal sin?
and using your dexterity stopped meritting a win
in life. where nothing old, but only new
kept you from feeling black and blue
but you never stopped feeling borrowed.
time was bought on man's credit
and his coffee stains became battle scars
and real scars are faux paux purpose for attention
like tacky clothes and faster cars
Affliction for intention still lying on your bed
in the form of pink hearts and white angels...
...not the images, but the meds
drown a fucking rose in jack,
and drink your fucking coke with rocks
and filll your fucking lungs with black
it's the sign of scene for your epoch
I appologize for singing you Frank Sinatra
all those late nights on the phone.
...the moon only turns you into a monster
and dancing on the stars is dead
like innocence you brash imposter
like integrity or lies instead
And sorrowful am I for wanting
to spend waking moments in your arms
I didn't know the sun would end you...
...but now I wish I'd done more harm
drown a fucking rose in jack,
and drink your fucking coke with rocks
and howl at the moon at night
it's the sign of scene for your epoch
drown your fucking tears in vodka,
and drink the blood out of my neck
to make you vomit in the morning,
so that like me, you are a wreck.
and maybe then I'll wake up with you
for once in both our fucking lives.
and feel the withered pains that grip you
and corners that I'd been deprived.
we love, we laugh, to hear you crying
we live, we lurk, to hear you shout
you lust, you learn, to hide your secrets
you lost, your luck, has just run out
drown a fucking rose in jack,
and drink your fucking coke with rocks
and filll your fucking lungs with black
it's the sign of scene for your epoch
drown another boy in lies,
and drink your lovely cooler down
and filll your sweeping lungs with skies
it's the sign of change this time around..."
and you can see where all my angst went. But at least I'm writting again. That's a plus, right?
Anyways, I still feel like shit, and I have to start those programs tonight at least. I fly out on Friday at 6 a.m. and spend all day at derek's track meet. I hope Dario gets to compete varsity this week and I can see them both. I'm supposed to be surprising my mom by shopwing up at 9 a.m. says my dad, but she's pretty damn smart...so I doubt it'll fly. Maybe I'll get to see some old freinds at the meet...if I have anything to say about it, I'll probably be helping run the damn thing again. Harvey needs the help...I know it.
I have to finish the remainder of the day, but I wouldn't mind the company of anyone. Hopefully, danny heads back later today, and gets in tonight. I think my aunt was going to send me food. I pray that I can keep it down. Until then I fight my body and my eyelids to finish the day without killing me. Wish me luck.
-David Light Lucio