Fear
I have a really hard time sleeping nowadays. I mean, I'll sleep, but I can't stay asleep. I wake up in the morning and my first feeling is dread. I lay in bed and nearly cry myself to sleep.
I'm afraid. I'm afraid of the same thing every day and every night. I'm terrified of death.
Every morning I wake up and try to calculate the chances that something terrible will happen to someone I love. Every day I sit and I worry about what the chances are that I'll live to a ripe old age with the man I love. I feel like someone is choking me. I can't breath. I have anxiety attacks and I feel like crying.
Sometimes I'm able to push it away and I'm able to think, "The Goddess will take care of me." Or "I have a greater chance of living a wonderful life than I do of losing someone I love." Or "My life has been wonderful so far, why should it change?"
When I was with Mat I couldn't sleep with my head on his chest, because I would hear his heartbeat and it reminded me every day how fragile life is. I'm afraid that that will happen again with Josh. I don't want to be so afraid of leaving my house that I can't move. I don't want to have an anxiety attack whenever he leaves. I don't want to be terrified that something will happen to him. I don't want to be afraid of the thought of being left alone, or dying early and leaving the ones I love behind.
But how do you stop fearing something like that? Something that happens everyday? How do I push the reality of death out of my mind?
I'm afraid. I'm afraid of the same thing every day and every night. I'm terrified of death.
Every morning I wake up and try to calculate the chances that something terrible will happen to someone I love. Every day I sit and I worry about what the chances are that I'll live to a ripe old age with the man I love. I feel like someone is choking me. I can't breath. I have anxiety attacks and I feel like crying.
Sometimes I'm able to push it away and I'm able to think, "The Goddess will take care of me." Or "I have a greater chance of living a wonderful life than I do of losing someone I love." Or "My life has been wonderful so far, why should it change?"
When I was with Mat I couldn't sleep with my head on his chest, because I would hear his heartbeat and it reminded me every day how fragile life is. I'm afraid that that will happen again with Josh. I don't want to be so afraid of leaving my house that I can't move. I don't want to have an anxiety attack whenever he leaves. I don't want to be terrified that something will happen to him. I don't want to be afraid of the thought of being left alone, or dying early and leaving the ones I love behind.
But how do you stop fearing something like that? Something that happens everyday? How do I push the reality of death out of my mind?