Sorrow everywhere, god damn it all to hell..which is CA
Sorrow is the topic. I'm currently and almost always consumed in it. No matter how hard I work for happiness (myself or mainly others) it always ends up in more sorrow. Just now I found myself looking up web pages for "how to commot suicide", ain't that grand? Not sure if I could actually kill myself but lately the feeling and acceptance of a sooner ending to my miserable life as seemed most appealing..though again, I highly doubt I have the mental stupidity to do such a thing..though I want to. I do have the anger and rage (mostly at myself for my failure of a life) to attack..say a cop, and thus "suicide by cop", but alas, when I'm thinking I'm too wise to want to condemn another soul or souls to anymore hell than CA already is. I need booze, yah booze will help. Booze will do away with these thoughts that hold me back from peace. Peace that can only be brought on by nine feet of dirt. Why do I want to die though? I ask that too. I'm not sure why, I just do..rather, I don't want to die, but I don't want to live this life. The bible preaches that when we "die" our lives don't end, rather we leave our bodies. Well then what the fuck does suicide cure? Nothing. So I'm trapped. Trapped in hell already, so why bother with suicide if all its gonna do is keep me in this life? I'll just wake as a "soul" living this same life of constant sorrows and worries and nothing but failures. Because that's all I am..a failure. No matter how hard I try to convince myself otherwise with my now a days fake stuck up-ness, it doesn't hide what I am, a failure of life. I remember when I was younger having these same thoughts, minus such inteligence.. yes it's possible to have that when wanting to die. Just because I'm tired of sorrow doesn't mean I'm retarded, so don't go "no you dumbass all that's stupid" cause fuck you I know that.
I don't know what I want to do. I want a white blank emptiness to consume me. I want nothing to exist, nothing for me to fuck up, ruin, or otherwise bring down with me. Why do I have to be so cursed? Maybe I should give up and accept my life..stop working for any happiness, and be like everyone else in this god forsaken hell hole and rot away. Maybe I'll go numb? I'd like that I think.. to be void of all feelings and though. To be nothing. But as that wise singer said, "despite all my rage, I'm still just a rat in a cage". Meaning, in my situation, no matter how much I complain, try to fix anything, or wish for a solution, I will still be "a rat in a cage". Stuck, with no way out. What is hell? Living is hell. A test maybe, but a hell nonetheless. If I was a preacher needing to get some god people, I'd say: "Ey, you, yah you fuck up, listen. If you like your life as it is, fucked up and failed, then by all means kill yourself, otherwise find god, indure this pain, and be rewarded!" Cause that's what it is I think. Life is hell, hell is a test. And your grade passing means you go home..home to happiness home to peace. How I wish for peace, peace of mind, peace of heart..but here I am..stuck in sorrow.
I will more than likely snap out of this..in..a week..so, if anyone does read this, no matter what you post you won't sway anything. I'll get over this, and continue to endure. Continue to work myself to exhaustion and the harder I try the harder I'll fail. I know this, such is life.. my life...my hell.
I wish I were a kid still. God damn kids have it made.
I need someone to beat the hell out of...maybe someone will pick a fight with me..
I don't know what I want to do. I want a white blank emptiness to consume me. I want nothing to exist, nothing for me to fuck up, ruin, or otherwise bring down with me. Why do I have to be so cursed? Maybe I should give up and accept my life..stop working for any happiness, and be like everyone else in this god forsaken hell hole and rot away. Maybe I'll go numb? I'd like that I think.. to be void of all feelings and though. To be nothing. But as that wise singer said, "despite all my rage, I'm still just a rat in a cage". Meaning, in my situation, no matter how much I complain, try to fix anything, or wish for a solution, I will still be "a rat in a cage". Stuck, with no way out. What is hell? Living is hell. A test maybe, but a hell nonetheless. If I was a preacher needing to get some god people, I'd say: "Ey, you, yah you fuck up, listen. If you like your life as it is, fucked up and failed, then by all means kill yourself, otherwise find god, indure this pain, and be rewarded!" Cause that's what it is I think. Life is hell, hell is a test. And your grade passing means you go home..home to happiness home to peace. How I wish for peace, peace of mind, peace of heart..but here I am..stuck in sorrow.
I will more than likely snap out of this..in..a week..so, if anyone does read this, no matter what you post you won't sway anything. I'll get over this, and continue to endure. Continue to work myself to exhaustion and the harder I try the harder I'll fail. I know this, such is life.. my life...my hell.
I wish I were a kid still. God damn kids have it made.
I need someone to beat the hell out of...maybe someone will pick a fight with me..