(no subject)
I think I am suffering some type of PTSD. I hate to even use that term as I feel like it is a form of disrespect to people who have served in the services and experienced allot more than I have, but I don't even know how else to explain whats going on with my body and my mind. I am annoyed with myself as I can feel every part of my body shutting down and I try to tell myself "You are stronger than this" but apparently I am not.
Its been over a week since what I am about to talk about happened and yet I am still waking up shaking all the time, throwing or spitting up once a day and my body is so exhausted that I lay down and sleep for 12 hours with no problem. It's not depression because I am more mad than depressed and even when I am not thinking about it, my body still seems to be affected. I hate it... I hate that I have to get up and take a pill for anxiety when I worked hard to be off them successfully for 5 years. It angers me.
(Where to begin?...) I knew when I married Rich that his youngest son had a drug problem but at the time he was not living at the house but instead was living up North with some relatives to get himself together. They are the same people who helped my husband pull his life together when he was 21 and Rich went on to be a successful, hard working man. We hoped the same thing for Christian.
I want to add that I absoultely LOVE Christian with all my heart. I have known him since he was born and when I married Rich I began refering to him as "our son" as thats how he is in my heart. When Christian is clean he is the biggest teddy bear, his heart is larger than most people I know, he feels deep and shows affection with ease. Before I married his dad, when my cat died, it was Christian who came to me with a bunch of magazine clippings about cats that he thought I would like and cried with me. When I built a shelf in my office to place Pike's ashes, Christian came to me and asked if he could put his cat Sylvester's ashes there as well so that we could honor them together. When he is clean we have deep conversations and I was amazed at how much we have in common.
When I moved in here, my husband had his room mate move out so that we could begin living our lives together as a couple. Christian would come to visit us now and then and each time he would show up clean, stay for about 3 days and fuck up. I had been around people who did drugs in highschool but never around someone who does heroin so the first few times I saw him doing weird things (like looking for snakes that don't exist in his underwear or chopping all his hair off with the kitchen sheers), I just thought he was doing weird things and who am I to say whats right or wrong? But my husband knew instantly what was going on, schooled me, and sent Christian back up North.
Several years ago Christian came to stay with us as my husband was having hip replacement surgery and I thought I might need him to help me get him up the stairs. But the day we arrived home, I yelled and couldn't find him so I struggled to get Rich up stairs and in bed. Several hours later I heard weird sounds coming from Christians room and ran to tell Rich. Christians door was locked so my husband, with his new hip, tried to break down the door- I had to push him asside and do it myself as I didn't want my husband (on his walker) to dislocated the new hip. Inside we found Christian face down on the floor. He had over dosed. Though it would not be the first dead body I have ever found, It was the first time I had found a love one this way and I worried he might be dying as he was unresponsive and turning blue. I called 911 and they treated him and took him to the hospital. During the next few days I found while I was staying in the hospital with Rich and Christian was waiting at the house to help when we returned home, Christian had stolen my car and used my husbands credit cards. We were of course angry. So back up North he went. My husband and I made a pact that he could not return until he was a year sober. Less that 6 months later he was back for a suprise 'visit' , assured us he was clean and Overdosed again within 3 days. Again it was me who found him, this time my husband had to give him CPR and our new neighbors came over to assist when Rich became tired (how embarrassing). That night when we called the hospital to check on him we learned he had already been to the ER twice that day for an Over dose, our house was stop number 3. The kid was extremely lucky.
He had been up North for most of last year, he came to visit us once and managed to stay a few days, stayed clean and went back up North on time without fighting and making up excuses of why he had to stay here so I was beginning to feel hopeful he was finally getting his life together.
In August this year he came for yet another visit, I found it odd that he had more bags with him than usual. He was clean. We sat and had deep talks and on his own he told me how his priorities had changed, he wanted to pay off all his debts from the hospital, get a job, he had already begun classes to get his license back from a past DUI, and seemed to be making clear decissions and had never sounded more clear. When it was time to leave he got on the train without a fuss however in the back of my mind I noted how he had left allot of bags here. 2 days later, as soon my friends arrived from NY to stay with us for 2 weeks , Christian returned. He stated everyone was negative where he lived and wanted to move in with us. I was not comfortable with this but my husband and I talked and decided to set some ground rules. He had to get a job right away and start paying rent as the goal was to have him on his feet within 6 months to a year.
Things started out ok... I wasn't happy it took him a month to find a job and spent most of his time in his room sleeping but once he did get a job, beautiful things started happening. We planned and cooked meals together, he helped some what around the house and got up everyday at 5am to take the bus to his new job that started at 7. Things were looking up. When he was first here I had a hard time adjusting to someone else being in the house. It cost us more for food, there were more dishes, laundry, etc and he kept borrowing money to finish his on line classes. He eventually told us he had finsihed his classes and would be getting his license back so we started talking about helping him find a car but oddly enough he never asked us to take him to the DMV so I am not sure if he passed his classes but thats a different story. He had been here almsot 3 months and I was getting used to him being here. We had talks about how well he was doing and I was honest with him. I told him it took allot for me to begin trusting him again, "Don't fuck up... I am proud of you. I can't go through this again and I would hate for us to lose the trust we have built. If it happens again I worry I might begin resenting you so we need to have open communication and know you can always talk to me."
We trusted him for the first time in a long time and planned a small trip that we would be away for 2 days. We went over things he needed to do while we were gone and the first night away he called me and checked in on his own, sent me photos of him and the cat hanging out on the sofa. Everything appeared normal. The day we returned I could tell something was off. There is a certain way he acts, the way he is trying to appear normal and is over talking. My husband and I looked at each other and he tried to talk to him. Christian insisted he wasn't on anything and got angry. The same pattern he had before. The next morning I noticed he hadn't gotten up in time for work and as I passed his door I could hear him mumbling and banging his head against the bedroom door so I sent Rich in to talk to him. There was yelling and I went down stairs to make myself small (a habit I have when these things begin happeneing). When Christian did come down and was going out the door late for work, he stopped to apologize to me, hug me and left. Rich came down and told me Christian had admitted he had fucked up and we were all going to talk about it when he got home.
Heres the thing... everytime he fucks up, its up to me to go in and clean out his room. This is a huge task as I have to mask up and wear gloves as he has moved on to fentanyl and I have been warned even the smallest amount can take someone like me down. I have to remove every drawer and check to see if things are taped underneigth it or behind furniture, open every DVD case, check all the wall sockets, check all his clothes and wash them, check the matress (under it and in all the small holes he cut in the seams. It is time consuming and my heart is racing as I don't want to get stuck or touch anything I shouldn't. I have to use high grade cleaners that our other son gives me from his tattoo shop to wash down every surface. It takes hours. I did this again for my 4th time in 5 years. I was shaking and upset. I found he had soiled the bed. He had cut up clothes into long shreds (last time he cut up my personal blanket I had allowed him to use, busted my lamp, and shreaded the sheets I just purchased for guest)
When he got off work that evening he called to apoligize again, said it was an accident (taking drugs is not an accident). We had been paying for him to Uber home but this time he said he had called his mum and she would be off at 5 to bring him home. 4 hours later she texted to say she had taken him to the hospital as he was suffering from anxiety and she would drop him off soon. She said "he will have the next few days off." I replied, "Since he is off, I think you should take him to your house for a few days" She replied he was worried about missing work the next day so she WAS dropping him at our house. When she did drop him off she announced he would be off work for a few days. We told him he should just go to bed since it was 11pm and we didn't want to talk about things until the next day. There was a small bit of hope as he laid in his room with the door open.
At 3am my husband woke up randomly and found his door shut and peeked in... Christian had over dosed again. He had been laying on his face so long that when he rolled him over his nose did not move back into place right away. He said when he first saw him he thought he was dead as the blood had began pooling under his skin in areas and he was purple. The ambulance came and it took them 2 shots to get him to come around and they wheeled him off the the hospital once again. Rich called his ex who only then told us that when she had gone to pick him up afterwork that day, he was found OD-ed behind a building and that she had lied when she said he was at the hosptal for anixety. I was LIVID. She even admitted she didn't tell us as she didn't want us to not take him back in. She is right, we wouldn't have but she still should have told us so we could have paid closer attention.
I have counted now and in the past 3 years I have dealt with him over dosing 7 times. This time when they took him to the hospital they kept him for a week. His kidneys were failing, he had fluid on his lungs. Our house was in an upheaval. We didn't want him to come back here. I was throwing up, shaking and broke out in hives. My husband stared drinking more. The people who once lived up North had moved so sending him there was no longer an option. My husband and I were both falling apart and didn't know what to do with him. We have paid for so many rehabs and each time he leaves within a few days. We no longer had money for that. My husband was adament that he couldn't deal with having him live on the streets as he said "he will over dose and die" and while I agree with him I had to remind him "He can also do that here at the house. The only difference is we will be the ones to find him. Either way we will be blaming ourselves."
It caused us stress. I didn't want him to choose between his son or me but I also knew my health couldn't handle all this. At the same time Rich had a doctors appointment and they said his blood pressure is through the roof and put him on more meds. Both us us are now struggling and inside I am angry at Christian for only thinking of himself. Its hard for my husband and I to talk about it as there is no solution. Both of us are angry. I told him, "If I tell you I can't live like this and Christian can't come home or I have to leave , you will resnt me... if I want to make things easier for you and take him back home which will effect both our health- I will end up resenting both you and Christian... it is a no win situation." It truly is such a selfish thing for one person to do.. his high is more important than everyone else's lives around him and this makes me sick.
As the day grew closer for him to be released, his mother called and stared laying on her guilt trip. The funny thing is, I have always loved Rich's ex wife. She is kind, there is no doubt she loves her children and we have always gotten along... however whenever it comes to what to do with The son who is a drug addict, she always expects us to take care of it. We have always paid for his rehab, his food, his clothes, what he needs. I think she see's that we own a home and have a guest room while she is in an apartment and one of the reasons Rich and her divorced is she had a spending issue and would always rack up credit cards behind his back to which he always paid off. He felt he was drowning, I think in the back of her mind she thinks that because we own our own business we must have allot of money. Each day we are still struggling to recover for money both she and Christian have spent.
Anyhow.. she called and said " we need to decide what to do with Christian" we all agreed but I stood up this time to say " he can not come back here." We have been following the same pattern of letting him come back here and we end up with the same results. We know he hates staying at his mothers as she constantly checks on him and because he has to sleep on the sofa, he doesn't have a place to sneak off and do his drugs. He has only OD-ed at his mothers once in their bathroom. I told Rich I thought staying with her woud be a great change in pattern as he has less freedom and perhaps he will be anxious enough to move out and get on his feet, that he might fight harder to save money and move out- build a life, as he has it way too easy here at our house. Besides, all his drug connections seem to be here. He mentioned this to his ex and she stated that we were being selfish. "I guess only I care about our son. I have decided that we must except that our son is handycapped and mentally unable to care for himself for the rest of his life ..." she began. I felt my blood pressure go thru the roof hearing this but I kept my mouth shut. That is an insult to handy capped people. He is fully capible of doing things on his own, being a drug addict does not mean you can not walk, work, feed yourself etc. Handycapped people do not choose to be that way, he makes this choice to do drugs and depend on others to help him out) "I think he needs to be on meds" (I agree he needs counseling however he also has an addition to Zanix, Antidepression meds, etc and was arrested twice for dealing them), " I am sure he is bi-polar and thats why he he doing this" (again.. offended, I am bi-polar and I don't do drugs and get high to deal with that). She stated that he should come here as she and her boyfriend both work full time jobs but so do we. According to her, because we own our own business, we can work nights.... no we can't, we have to meet with clients during the day, go to the city, etc. Though it was not said, I knew what she was thinking... because I am working with my husband, she thinks I do not have a job. That I can stay home and babysit this grown adult. What she doesn't realise is that I am meeting with my own clients and designing, that I have advanced enough that I have my own jobs going. We don't talk enough that she knows what is going on with my life and what I contribute.
As my husband and I sat there, listening to her on speaker phone, it took everything in me to not start shouting out what I felt, I don't want to start a war. It is time to stop making excuses. Once she hung up, because I too had begun drinking, I spoke up. "I hate that she tries to give you a guilt trip." a few hours later she sent him a text that was an old photo of them with their 2 boys when they were young and still together and she stated (using our real names)" My boyfriend and your wife do not have children and though I know they love Christian, they will never share the bond that you and I have for our children." My husband shared that with me and I stared at him. I could tell he was not seeing the same thing in the message that I was... I could tell it was another one of her moves to pull at his heart strings. It bothered ME that the message upset me. I remind myself that she most likely doesn't do these things to hurt me personally but is doing what she can to get her way.
We spent a week living on eggshells while Christian is in the hospital. We both aren't sleeping. I am throwing up and scratching at my hives. The day he is released, My husbands Ex wife drives by the house and lets Christian out of the car to walk up to the house alone in order to get his bag (She has told my husband that he needs to buy Christian new clothes and shoes.. for his 27 year old son) . I do not want to look him in the eye as I think I will startt yelling but I don't want to look like a dick so I stand up and while looking at his chest, I face him. He hugs me and states, "I am sorry for everything... I had a bad day. " I want to yell that I have bad days all the time, this is causing me to have a bad day, but I don't visit it one everyone around me! I hug him back as I don't want to make things worse or give him another reason to have "a bad day" but I do not respond to his apology.
I learned yesterday that my husbands ex is still sending text on how he is a bad father and does not care about their son and "you ovbiously don't care about my boyfriend and I's relationship" (What about ours?)
People who do drugs.... don't you understand how you are effecting the people who love you's lives? How you can cause health issues for others, how you can break up families and for what? If you do end up dying no one is any better for it?
This entire month has been rough... asside from whats going on with our son, My mum (a surviver of beast cancer) has told me they have found spots on her lungs and remaining breast tissue. They are testing her lungs first as "why do both the lungs and breast if you have cancer in your lungs?"
And my sweet little cat has been to the vets non-stop.. they think he too has cancer and tell me if it is cancer, they think he might have less than 6 months to a year left.
Okay... I just needed to get that all off my chest as I don't talk about it to anyone I know... it's too hard to open up about and there is a part of me that feels like I am being a dick for feeling the way I do. I want to scream but I tuck it down, smile and try to be a good person.
Nothing anyone can say or do.. just needed to vent.
Its been over a week since what I am about to talk about happened and yet I am still waking up shaking all the time, throwing or spitting up once a day and my body is so exhausted that I lay down and sleep for 12 hours with no problem. It's not depression because I am more mad than depressed and even when I am not thinking about it, my body still seems to be affected. I hate it... I hate that I have to get up and take a pill for anxiety when I worked hard to be off them successfully for 5 years. It angers me.
(Where to begin?...) I knew when I married Rich that his youngest son had a drug problem but at the time he was not living at the house but instead was living up North with some relatives to get himself together. They are the same people who helped my husband pull his life together when he was 21 and Rich went on to be a successful, hard working man. We hoped the same thing for Christian.
I want to add that I absoultely LOVE Christian with all my heart. I have known him since he was born and when I married Rich I began refering to him as "our son" as thats how he is in my heart. When Christian is clean he is the biggest teddy bear, his heart is larger than most people I know, he feels deep and shows affection with ease. Before I married his dad, when my cat died, it was Christian who came to me with a bunch of magazine clippings about cats that he thought I would like and cried with me. When I built a shelf in my office to place Pike's ashes, Christian came to me and asked if he could put his cat Sylvester's ashes there as well so that we could honor them together. When he is clean we have deep conversations and I was amazed at how much we have in common.
When I moved in here, my husband had his room mate move out so that we could begin living our lives together as a couple. Christian would come to visit us now and then and each time he would show up clean, stay for about 3 days and fuck up. I had been around people who did drugs in highschool but never around someone who does heroin so the first few times I saw him doing weird things (like looking for snakes that don't exist in his underwear or chopping all his hair off with the kitchen sheers), I just thought he was doing weird things and who am I to say whats right or wrong? But my husband knew instantly what was going on, schooled me, and sent Christian back up North.
Several years ago Christian came to stay with us as my husband was having hip replacement surgery and I thought I might need him to help me get him up the stairs. But the day we arrived home, I yelled and couldn't find him so I struggled to get Rich up stairs and in bed. Several hours later I heard weird sounds coming from Christians room and ran to tell Rich. Christians door was locked so my husband, with his new hip, tried to break down the door- I had to push him asside and do it myself as I didn't want my husband (on his walker) to dislocated the new hip. Inside we found Christian face down on the floor. He had over dosed. Though it would not be the first dead body I have ever found, It was the first time I had found a love one this way and I worried he might be dying as he was unresponsive and turning blue. I called 911 and they treated him and took him to the hospital. During the next few days I found while I was staying in the hospital with Rich and Christian was waiting at the house to help when we returned home, Christian had stolen my car and used my husbands credit cards. We were of course angry. So back up North he went. My husband and I made a pact that he could not return until he was a year sober. Less that 6 months later he was back for a suprise 'visit' , assured us he was clean and Overdosed again within 3 days. Again it was me who found him, this time my husband had to give him CPR and our new neighbors came over to assist when Rich became tired (how embarrassing). That night when we called the hospital to check on him we learned he had already been to the ER twice that day for an Over dose, our house was stop number 3. The kid was extremely lucky.
He had been up North for most of last year, he came to visit us once and managed to stay a few days, stayed clean and went back up North on time without fighting and making up excuses of why he had to stay here so I was beginning to feel hopeful he was finally getting his life together.
In August this year he came for yet another visit, I found it odd that he had more bags with him than usual. He was clean. We sat and had deep talks and on his own he told me how his priorities had changed, he wanted to pay off all his debts from the hospital, get a job, he had already begun classes to get his license back from a past DUI, and seemed to be making clear decissions and had never sounded more clear. When it was time to leave he got on the train without a fuss however in the back of my mind I noted how he had left allot of bags here. 2 days later, as soon my friends arrived from NY to stay with us for 2 weeks , Christian returned. He stated everyone was negative where he lived and wanted to move in with us. I was not comfortable with this but my husband and I talked and decided to set some ground rules. He had to get a job right away and start paying rent as the goal was to have him on his feet within 6 months to a year.
Things started out ok... I wasn't happy it took him a month to find a job and spent most of his time in his room sleeping but once he did get a job, beautiful things started happening. We planned and cooked meals together, he helped some what around the house and got up everyday at 5am to take the bus to his new job that started at 7. Things were looking up. When he was first here I had a hard time adjusting to someone else being in the house. It cost us more for food, there were more dishes, laundry, etc and he kept borrowing money to finish his on line classes. He eventually told us he had finsihed his classes and would be getting his license back so we started talking about helping him find a car but oddly enough he never asked us to take him to the DMV so I am not sure if he passed his classes but thats a different story. He had been here almsot 3 months and I was getting used to him being here. We had talks about how well he was doing and I was honest with him. I told him it took allot for me to begin trusting him again, "Don't fuck up... I am proud of you. I can't go through this again and I would hate for us to lose the trust we have built. If it happens again I worry I might begin resenting you so we need to have open communication and know you can always talk to me."
We trusted him for the first time in a long time and planned a small trip that we would be away for 2 days. We went over things he needed to do while we were gone and the first night away he called me and checked in on his own, sent me photos of him and the cat hanging out on the sofa. Everything appeared normal. The day we returned I could tell something was off. There is a certain way he acts, the way he is trying to appear normal and is over talking. My husband and I looked at each other and he tried to talk to him. Christian insisted he wasn't on anything and got angry. The same pattern he had before. The next morning I noticed he hadn't gotten up in time for work and as I passed his door I could hear him mumbling and banging his head against the bedroom door so I sent Rich in to talk to him. There was yelling and I went down stairs to make myself small (a habit I have when these things begin happeneing). When Christian did come down and was going out the door late for work, he stopped to apologize to me, hug me and left. Rich came down and told me Christian had admitted he had fucked up and we were all going to talk about it when he got home.
Heres the thing... everytime he fucks up, its up to me to go in and clean out his room. This is a huge task as I have to mask up and wear gloves as he has moved on to fentanyl and I have been warned even the smallest amount can take someone like me down. I have to remove every drawer and check to see if things are taped underneigth it or behind furniture, open every DVD case, check all the wall sockets, check all his clothes and wash them, check the matress (under it and in all the small holes he cut in the seams. It is time consuming and my heart is racing as I don't want to get stuck or touch anything I shouldn't. I have to use high grade cleaners that our other son gives me from his tattoo shop to wash down every surface. It takes hours. I did this again for my 4th time in 5 years. I was shaking and upset. I found he had soiled the bed. He had cut up clothes into long shreds (last time he cut up my personal blanket I had allowed him to use, busted my lamp, and shreaded the sheets I just purchased for guest)
When he got off work that evening he called to apoligize again, said it was an accident (taking drugs is not an accident). We had been paying for him to Uber home but this time he said he had called his mum and she would be off at 5 to bring him home. 4 hours later she texted to say she had taken him to the hospital as he was suffering from anxiety and she would drop him off soon. She said "he will have the next few days off." I replied, "Since he is off, I think you should take him to your house for a few days" She replied he was worried about missing work the next day so she WAS dropping him at our house. When she did drop him off she announced he would be off work for a few days. We told him he should just go to bed since it was 11pm and we didn't want to talk about things until the next day. There was a small bit of hope as he laid in his room with the door open.
At 3am my husband woke up randomly and found his door shut and peeked in... Christian had over dosed again. He had been laying on his face so long that when he rolled him over his nose did not move back into place right away. He said when he first saw him he thought he was dead as the blood had began pooling under his skin in areas and he was purple. The ambulance came and it took them 2 shots to get him to come around and they wheeled him off the the hospital once again. Rich called his ex who only then told us that when she had gone to pick him up afterwork that day, he was found OD-ed behind a building and that she had lied when she said he was at the hosptal for anixety. I was LIVID. She even admitted she didn't tell us as she didn't want us to not take him back in. She is right, we wouldn't have but she still should have told us so we could have paid closer attention.
I have counted now and in the past 3 years I have dealt with him over dosing 7 times. This time when they took him to the hospital they kept him for a week. His kidneys were failing, he had fluid on his lungs. Our house was in an upheaval. We didn't want him to come back here. I was throwing up, shaking and broke out in hives. My husband stared drinking more. The people who once lived up North had moved so sending him there was no longer an option. My husband and I were both falling apart and didn't know what to do with him. We have paid for so many rehabs and each time he leaves within a few days. We no longer had money for that. My husband was adament that he couldn't deal with having him live on the streets as he said "he will over dose and die" and while I agree with him I had to remind him "He can also do that here at the house. The only difference is we will be the ones to find him. Either way we will be blaming ourselves."
It caused us stress. I didn't want him to choose between his son or me but I also knew my health couldn't handle all this. At the same time Rich had a doctors appointment and they said his blood pressure is through the roof and put him on more meds. Both us us are now struggling and inside I am angry at Christian for only thinking of himself. Its hard for my husband and I to talk about it as there is no solution. Both of us are angry. I told him, "If I tell you I can't live like this and Christian can't come home or I have to leave , you will resnt me... if I want to make things easier for you and take him back home which will effect both our health- I will end up resenting both you and Christian... it is a no win situation." It truly is such a selfish thing for one person to do.. his high is more important than everyone else's lives around him and this makes me sick.
As the day grew closer for him to be released, his mother called and stared laying on her guilt trip. The funny thing is, I have always loved Rich's ex wife. She is kind, there is no doubt she loves her children and we have always gotten along... however whenever it comes to what to do with The son who is a drug addict, she always expects us to take care of it. We have always paid for his rehab, his food, his clothes, what he needs. I think she see's that we own a home and have a guest room while she is in an apartment and one of the reasons Rich and her divorced is she had a spending issue and would always rack up credit cards behind his back to which he always paid off. He felt he was drowning, I think in the back of her mind she thinks that because we own our own business we must have allot of money. Each day we are still struggling to recover for money both she and Christian have spent.
Anyhow.. she called and said " we need to decide what to do with Christian" we all agreed but I stood up this time to say " he can not come back here." We have been following the same pattern of letting him come back here and we end up with the same results. We know he hates staying at his mothers as she constantly checks on him and because he has to sleep on the sofa, he doesn't have a place to sneak off and do his drugs. He has only OD-ed at his mothers once in their bathroom. I told Rich I thought staying with her woud be a great change in pattern as he has less freedom and perhaps he will be anxious enough to move out and get on his feet, that he might fight harder to save money and move out- build a life, as he has it way too easy here at our house. Besides, all his drug connections seem to be here. He mentioned this to his ex and she stated that we were being selfish. "I guess only I care about our son. I have decided that we must except that our son is handycapped and mentally unable to care for himself for the rest of his life ..." she began. I felt my blood pressure go thru the roof hearing this but I kept my mouth shut. That is an insult to handy capped people. He is fully capible of doing things on his own, being a drug addict does not mean you can not walk, work, feed yourself etc. Handycapped people do not choose to be that way, he makes this choice to do drugs and depend on others to help him out) "I think he needs to be on meds" (I agree he needs counseling however he also has an addition to Zanix, Antidepression meds, etc and was arrested twice for dealing them), " I am sure he is bi-polar and thats why he he doing this" (again.. offended, I am bi-polar and I don't do drugs and get high to deal with that). She stated that he should come here as she and her boyfriend both work full time jobs but so do we. According to her, because we own our own business, we can work nights.... no we can't, we have to meet with clients during the day, go to the city, etc. Though it was not said, I knew what she was thinking... because I am working with my husband, she thinks I do not have a job. That I can stay home and babysit this grown adult. What she doesn't realise is that I am meeting with my own clients and designing, that I have advanced enough that I have my own jobs going. We don't talk enough that she knows what is going on with my life and what I contribute.
As my husband and I sat there, listening to her on speaker phone, it took everything in me to not start shouting out what I felt, I don't want to start a war. It is time to stop making excuses. Once she hung up, because I too had begun drinking, I spoke up. "I hate that she tries to give you a guilt trip." a few hours later she sent him a text that was an old photo of them with their 2 boys when they were young and still together and she stated (using our real names)" My boyfriend and your wife do not have children and though I know they love Christian, they will never share the bond that you and I have for our children." My husband shared that with me and I stared at him. I could tell he was not seeing the same thing in the message that I was... I could tell it was another one of her moves to pull at his heart strings. It bothered ME that the message upset me. I remind myself that she most likely doesn't do these things to hurt me personally but is doing what she can to get her way.
We spent a week living on eggshells while Christian is in the hospital. We both aren't sleeping. I am throwing up and scratching at my hives. The day he is released, My husbands Ex wife drives by the house and lets Christian out of the car to walk up to the house alone in order to get his bag (She has told my husband that he needs to buy Christian new clothes and shoes.. for his 27 year old son) . I do not want to look him in the eye as I think I will startt yelling but I don't want to look like a dick so I stand up and while looking at his chest, I face him. He hugs me and states, "I am sorry for everything... I had a bad day. " I want to yell that I have bad days all the time, this is causing me to have a bad day, but I don't visit it one everyone around me! I hug him back as I don't want to make things worse or give him another reason to have "a bad day" but I do not respond to his apology.
I learned yesterday that my husbands ex is still sending text on how he is a bad father and does not care about their son and "you ovbiously don't care about my boyfriend and I's relationship" (What about ours?)
People who do drugs.... don't you understand how you are effecting the people who love you's lives? How you can cause health issues for others, how you can break up families and for what? If you do end up dying no one is any better for it?
This entire month has been rough... asside from whats going on with our son, My mum (a surviver of beast cancer) has told me they have found spots on her lungs and remaining breast tissue. They are testing her lungs first as "why do both the lungs and breast if you have cancer in your lungs?"
And my sweet little cat has been to the vets non-stop.. they think he too has cancer and tell me if it is cancer, they think he might have less than 6 months to a year left.
Okay... I just needed to get that all off my chest as I don't talk about it to anyone I know... it's too hard to open up about and there is a part of me that feels like I am being a dick for feeling the way I do. I want to scream but I tuck it down, smile and try to be a good person.
Nothing anyone can say or do.. just needed to vent.