A Bionic drunkin tantrum
At long last my Bionic eye appointment had arrived. I have been testing contacts and alternative ways to see for the past 3 months. Nothing about me is normal... need an extra set of ribs? I got 'em.. so it was almost a given that getting Lasik would be no different than all the other oddities of my life. If I did both eyes in order to see far away, I would suddenly need glasses for up close and why trade one ailment for another? "Well... we could try just working on your dominate eye but we would have to run some test first and see if we can fool the brain into making you think you could see both near and far. Its a very slight chance but we can try it." All the years of being extremely lazy and not wanting to put my glasses on but instead holding one side of them up to my eye to see what I wanted and then tucking them away- it seemed to pay off as this was somewhat close to their testing. But because I knew that it couldn't be THAT easy, I took it upon myself to try the weaker eye and finally I could see like hawk!
I wasn't nervous about the surgery but that's only because I told everyone I didn't want to hear what it detailed, what could go wrong and I didn't want to make any decisions. I told the Doctor, "If you would do it on yourself, I trust you". It wasn't until the day of the surgery that I allowed myself to be nervous. The last minute testing was a disaster... why? Because my fucking pupils are smaller than the average humans (that's right... I got beady eyes! Don't make me stare you down with them!) but good news came out of that too... I got a HUGE discount on the surgery. I started at a cost of close to #3000 and came down to close to a thousand! (hello Shopping spree).
"would you like something for anxiety before we begin?" The lovely nurse asked me.
ME," We can give it a shot... I am immune to everything. Most likely will have the same effect as a tic tac on me". Give me Vicodin, Oxy, Norco, Morphine... they have zero effect on me. Even the numbing shots for dentist work do nothing in the way to help me. My body just eats it up and spits it out.
"Here is your glass of Wine" she said as she handed me a small white pill in a dixie cup and a small cup of water, "you did eat today didn't you?"
"Nope...(swallow pill) I eat once a day and it will be after the surgery"
"Sure you wont feel sick?"
"Positive... like I said, this pill will do nothing for me I am sure."
Aww.. the famous last words.
While if you were to ask me if the pill worked against having the surgery done, I would say no because I didn't go under feeling like it took effect but in hind sight- FUCK YA! I was a yammering fool, cracking jokes and having everyone laugh the entire time I was in surgery. Several times I had to be told to stop talking as I had people laughing when they were supposed to be concentrating. I Vaguely recall the small eye patch with holes cut in it for the good eye as protection and stating it was an eye prison as I could see through the bars. I followed this up with a course of the only prison like song I knew "No body knows the troubles I've seen... get it.. SEEN? Coz my eyes in prison?" (Yikes).
The surgery itself takes under 5 minutes and was a piece of cake. I remember when it was over and they made room for me to get off the table on the right, I decided I wanted to crawl over the equipment on my left (slap forehead).
I have no memory of walking out or getting into the car. From this point forward I have only HEARD what I was like.
"How is my little two year old doing" I opened my eyes to have my husband leaning over asking. "What are you talking about?... was I THAT bad?" "You were the WORST 2 year old I ever had to deal with."
In vague flashes I can see him placing my lunch out before me and in the next instant he was taking my hands out of the dipping sauces on the table and trying to wipe them off before I would reach around him to put the other hand back in them. "Okay... no more eating for you."
I heard there was a point that I decided to sit down in the middle of the tile floor to play with the lighter (which was promptly taken away), Lighting a cigarette that I dropped on floor to watch it burn and as he tried to get me up to sit on the sofa I threw a child like tantrum and argued screaming "nononono", flopped back on the ground completely and tried to fake cry while kicking. After dragging me by one arm and getting me no where, he took a parenting like voice and scolded me, "No! I'm not playing with you! Get up on the sofa for a time out right now". Which I did and then fell back into a deep sleep for the next 16 hours.
My tantrum must have been a whopper as every bone in my body is sore today. I must admit it was GREAT to actually wake up and be able to see the clock across the room. And on the way to the doctors today I was glued to the car window trying to take in the world. Sure its like having regular glasses on but its more 3D as glasses don't wrap your eyes so you can normally see the blur vision from the sides. Now I can see everything. I feel like I have been given a Bionic eye and its great! YAY Bionic eyeball!!
I wasn't nervous about the surgery but that's only because I told everyone I didn't want to hear what it detailed, what could go wrong and I didn't want to make any decisions. I told the Doctor, "If you would do it on yourself, I trust you". It wasn't until the day of the surgery that I allowed myself to be nervous. The last minute testing was a disaster... why? Because my fucking pupils are smaller than the average humans (that's right... I got beady eyes! Don't make me stare you down with them!) but good news came out of that too... I got a HUGE discount on the surgery. I started at a cost of close to #3000 and came down to close to a thousand! (hello Shopping spree).
"would you like something for anxiety before we begin?" The lovely nurse asked me.
ME," We can give it a shot... I am immune to everything. Most likely will have the same effect as a tic tac on me". Give me Vicodin, Oxy, Norco, Morphine... they have zero effect on me. Even the numbing shots for dentist work do nothing in the way to help me. My body just eats it up and spits it out.
"Here is your glass of Wine" she said as she handed me a small white pill in a dixie cup and a small cup of water, "you did eat today didn't you?"
"Nope...(swallow pill) I eat once a day and it will be after the surgery"
"Sure you wont feel sick?"
"Positive... like I said, this pill will do nothing for me I am sure."
Aww.. the famous last words.
While if you were to ask me if the pill worked against having the surgery done, I would say no because I didn't go under feeling like it took effect but in hind sight- FUCK YA! I was a yammering fool, cracking jokes and having everyone laugh the entire time I was in surgery. Several times I had to be told to stop talking as I had people laughing when they were supposed to be concentrating. I Vaguely recall the small eye patch with holes cut in it for the good eye as protection and stating it was an eye prison as I could see through the bars. I followed this up with a course of the only prison like song I knew "No body knows the troubles I've seen... get it.. SEEN? Coz my eyes in prison?" (Yikes).
The surgery itself takes under 5 minutes and was a piece of cake. I remember when it was over and they made room for me to get off the table on the right, I decided I wanted to crawl over the equipment on my left (slap forehead).
I have no memory of walking out or getting into the car. From this point forward I have only HEARD what I was like.
"How is my little two year old doing" I opened my eyes to have my husband leaning over asking. "What are you talking about?... was I THAT bad?" "You were the WORST 2 year old I ever had to deal with."
In vague flashes I can see him placing my lunch out before me and in the next instant he was taking my hands out of the dipping sauces on the table and trying to wipe them off before I would reach around him to put the other hand back in them. "Okay... no more eating for you."
I heard there was a point that I decided to sit down in the middle of the tile floor to play with the lighter (which was promptly taken away), Lighting a cigarette that I dropped on floor to watch it burn and as he tried to get me up to sit on the sofa I threw a child like tantrum and argued screaming "nononono", flopped back on the ground completely and tried to fake cry while kicking. After dragging me by one arm and getting me no where, he took a parenting like voice and scolded me, "No! I'm not playing with you! Get up on the sofa for a time out right now". Which I did and then fell back into a deep sleep for the next 16 hours.
My tantrum must have been a whopper as every bone in my body is sore today. I must admit it was GREAT to actually wake up and be able to see the clock across the room. And on the way to the doctors today I was glued to the car window trying to take in the world. Sure its like having regular glasses on but its more 3D as glasses don't wrap your eyes so you can normally see the blur vision from the sides. Now I can see everything. I feel like I have been given a Bionic eye and its great! YAY Bionic eyeball!!