A not so rosey life
So where have I been, what have I been up to? Dealing with life and though there are up moments, there have been mostly sucky ones lately. I came here to vent, get it out of my system and then pull myself together and deal with the hand dealt to me.
A: My pops has been mentally ill for over a year now. Its not something I ever planned on dealing with but it ended up in my lap as I am the only one equip to handle him being as I have been deemed "crazy" a long time ago. Its an odd feeling being as we were never close growing up. As a matter of fact, we got along so poorly that I ran away at 14 and returned only sporadically. When he started becoming 'ill' I was the one who noticed the signs since I too had been there. I took him to appointments, I was there every day when we temporally had to place him in a mental ward. He has never quiet come back out of it.
Growing up my pops was a gruff man whose only emotion was that of anger when it came to us kids BUT while in the outside world he was outgoing, involved in everything, the president of his car club, and the man was always cracking jokes and making new friends. The man he is now is 100% the opposite. Be careful what you wish for as it doesn't always turn out the way you imagine it would.
I had always wished he was the type of man who would say "I love you" and cry along side of you when you were sad. When he became ill he became this man... 10 fold. He cries at the drop of a hat and he hordes over my mum to the point that no one else can get any time with her. Her complaint all my life was how he was never there. He now hasn't left the house in over a year. His days consist of staying in his bedroom which has no windows and laying there in the dark. Any sign of discord and he runs and hides like a scared little rabbit. We have all come to except that life will forever be this way and the man will never return to normal.
My mum has had the hardest time dealing with this. When her mother was dying, he couldn't deal with it. A year later when her sister died (the last person in her family alive at the time), he couldn't even go to the funeral. Last month she started lapsing into a type of depression that mimicked his so I made it a point to drag her out of the house. I started the quilt with her and slowly she has come back out of it and started doing things with her life and not letting my dad's illness hold her down.
B: Today I took my mum to her doctors appointment and was there when they told her she has breast cancer. Her entire family has died of varies types of cancer so it's difficult to be positive. At this point in time we don't know what stage she is in. We sat there as they went over every stage it could be and the decisions she could be facing. We both held it together while at the appointment. I knew I couldn't cry or show fear so long as I was with her. Besides, I knew I still had to go home and break the news to my dad and daughter. My mum's biggest fear was telling my dad. The one time she started to cry was when we got in the car and she told me , "your dad isn't going to be there for me. If he couldn't be there for me when I REALLY needed him before, he definitely won't be someone I can count on for support now." I assured her there was nothing to worry about as I would be there at every appointment.
Up until now the hardest thing I ever had to do was put my dad in the mental ward. I remember him standing at the glass doors as I left and seeing him with his arms out like a baby, his hands clutching the air like a child does when they want to be picked up and held and I had to leave him there. The second hardest thing I had to due was tell him his wife has cancer. As soon as I came in the door and asked him to come sit with me on the sofa, he instantly knew. The man cried hysterically. I have seen my dad cry allot since being ill but never making the sounds he made today. And I had to convince him how it was nothing to worry about. "People get cancer removed all the time and go on to live full lives. Remember I had cancer at 16 in one of my ovaries, they just took it out and all was fine. Mum has had skin cancer before and she has gone on, Jer's dad had ball cancer- he's fine... its all good pop. You need to try to be supportive now. Besides.... it doesn't change who she is!"
I was surprised how well I myself held it all together as in my head I was screaming and wanted nothing more than to go home and be angry, break things, hate life, and lick my wounds.
I know a million people have gone thru what I am going thru but at the same time I also know that I have to tend to my dad every step of the way. And I have my sister's child (the one I call MY daughter since she gave up raising her) who lives with my parents and I need to reassure her that she and the grandbaby will always have a home to go to if something should happen to my parents. Its allot for someone who can't even deal with her own mental illness on a regular basis. I lean on Jer most the time to take care of me but recently he has lost his job and I feel like I have to take care of the two of us on top of everything else. I am over whelmed. Please, for the love of God, let this be the lessest form of cancer to deal with as I can't take on any more stress.
Sigh... okay... that's it. I just had to get it off my chest and out of my system. Writing it out was the only way I could deal with it and get my crying out. I will gather strength from here on out and just deal with it. Thanks for listening.
A: My pops has been mentally ill for over a year now. Its not something I ever planned on dealing with but it ended up in my lap as I am the only one equip to handle him being as I have been deemed "crazy" a long time ago. Its an odd feeling being as we were never close growing up. As a matter of fact, we got along so poorly that I ran away at 14 and returned only sporadically. When he started becoming 'ill' I was the one who noticed the signs since I too had been there. I took him to appointments, I was there every day when we temporally had to place him in a mental ward. He has never quiet come back out of it.
Growing up my pops was a gruff man whose only emotion was that of anger when it came to us kids BUT while in the outside world he was outgoing, involved in everything, the president of his car club, and the man was always cracking jokes and making new friends. The man he is now is 100% the opposite. Be careful what you wish for as it doesn't always turn out the way you imagine it would.
I had always wished he was the type of man who would say "I love you" and cry along side of you when you were sad. When he became ill he became this man... 10 fold. He cries at the drop of a hat and he hordes over my mum to the point that no one else can get any time with her. Her complaint all my life was how he was never there. He now hasn't left the house in over a year. His days consist of staying in his bedroom which has no windows and laying there in the dark. Any sign of discord and he runs and hides like a scared little rabbit. We have all come to except that life will forever be this way and the man will never return to normal.
My mum has had the hardest time dealing with this. When her mother was dying, he couldn't deal with it. A year later when her sister died (the last person in her family alive at the time), he couldn't even go to the funeral. Last month she started lapsing into a type of depression that mimicked his so I made it a point to drag her out of the house. I started the quilt with her and slowly she has come back out of it and started doing things with her life and not letting my dad's illness hold her down.
B: Today I took my mum to her doctors appointment and was there when they told her she has breast cancer. Her entire family has died of varies types of cancer so it's difficult to be positive. At this point in time we don't know what stage she is in. We sat there as they went over every stage it could be and the decisions she could be facing. We both held it together while at the appointment. I knew I couldn't cry or show fear so long as I was with her. Besides, I knew I still had to go home and break the news to my dad and daughter. My mum's biggest fear was telling my dad. The one time she started to cry was when we got in the car and she told me , "your dad isn't going to be there for me. If he couldn't be there for me when I REALLY needed him before, he definitely won't be someone I can count on for support now." I assured her there was nothing to worry about as I would be there at every appointment.
Up until now the hardest thing I ever had to do was put my dad in the mental ward. I remember him standing at the glass doors as I left and seeing him with his arms out like a baby, his hands clutching the air like a child does when they want to be picked up and held and I had to leave him there. The second hardest thing I had to due was tell him his wife has cancer. As soon as I came in the door and asked him to come sit with me on the sofa, he instantly knew. The man cried hysterically. I have seen my dad cry allot since being ill but never making the sounds he made today. And I had to convince him how it was nothing to worry about. "People get cancer removed all the time and go on to live full lives. Remember I had cancer at 16 in one of my ovaries, they just took it out and all was fine. Mum has had skin cancer before and she has gone on, Jer's dad had ball cancer- he's fine... its all good pop. You need to try to be supportive now. Besides.... it doesn't change who she is!"
I was surprised how well I myself held it all together as in my head I was screaming and wanted nothing more than to go home and be angry, break things, hate life, and lick my wounds.
I know a million people have gone thru what I am going thru but at the same time I also know that I have to tend to my dad every step of the way. And I have my sister's child (the one I call MY daughter since she gave up raising her) who lives with my parents and I need to reassure her that she and the grandbaby will always have a home to go to if something should happen to my parents. Its allot for someone who can't even deal with her own mental illness on a regular basis. I lean on Jer most the time to take care of me but recently he has lost his job and I feel like I have to take care of the two of us on top of everything else. I am over whelmed. Please, for the love of God, let this be the lessest form of cancer to deal with as I can't take on any more stress.
Sigh... okay... that's it. I just had to get it off my chest and out of my system. Writing it out was the only way I could deal with it and get my crying out. I will gather strength from here on out and just deal with it. Thanks for listening.