falling over hurdles
I've been on a depression spiral lately. I still have no eye lashes (and no I wont be using that Lash crap you can get a prescription for as I have heard nothing but horrible things about it) and though I enjoy having them done at the "lash salon", they treat me like shit 70% of the time and I just dont want to give them my money at the moment. I have gone around lash-less for over a week now and it hasnt helped my self esteam so I have resorted in glueing some drug store lashes on. I have found that lately I scurry back and forth between the places I need to be at work while keeping my head down and my door locked on a regular basis and I hate myself for being this way. I ask myself, "What is it that I need to give me my self esteam back?" but there is no easy solution and knowing that I am aging isn't helping matters.
I have so many things that annoy the shit out of me that I can't just sit aside and I catch myself in the middle of coming off bitchy. Such as how much I HATE the sound of Marge smacking her food (I try to turn up my radio to drown it out but then feel bad as she is trying to talk at the same time), or the fact that she blows her nose while I'm eating (Is it just me or is this the rudest thing ever?). I have stopped talking about any part of my life outside of work just to see if I was hearing HER correctly... to make sure I didn't come off sounding like her when I do speak- but all I have learned is that every single thing out of her mouth is about some sort of on going drama (from her dog's sickness to the doctors she works for asking her to do something...... I dont get it, whats there to complain about in that? I mean her job IS to actually do some work isn't it?) And then I feel like the worlds most horrible friend because I honestly can't think of one valid reason on why I continue to communicate with this woman other than the fact that it would hurt her feelings if I tell her I dont want to BE her friend. All the while I look at MYSELF and can't think of any redeeming quality that would allow anyone to want to be MY friend either.
Yep... I'm feeling like a misrable cow at the moment and I can't manage to shake it.