*side bar to flashing Neons* THE DRAWER
AS soon as I closed the door behind me on the neons I had insta-guilt. Its not even that I am selling the Ex's items against his wishes but that I am finally separating myself from my past with him. And it brought up another thought and feeling that has always semi lingered in the back of my mind....
There was a time that I sat on my knees in a semi barron apartment waiting for the Abuser to return. Infront of me was packed boxes. 3-4 years of junk... things we had accumulated and what was left of the items I had left home after graduation with. This was to be our 3rd move.
At first when he decided on the move to Orange county I was hopeful. Not hopeful for US but for me. I had lost track of time (as there was nothing to keep track of it with) but I was pretty damn sure I had been locked in this apartment for 2 years of my life. We had left Moreno Valley and moved back to Riverside and be a "real couple" as there were too many drugs going thru the last place... he had told me it was the room-mate (I knew it wasnt but I wanted to believe it so I did). Within weeks of getting here I woke up one morning to find that he has changed the locks as I had slept. No longer was I free to go in and out on my own free will as a key was needed to go either direction. Before this I hadnt gone anywhere except down 2 doors to a lovely black womans place. she always had the best food cooking starting early in the morning and some how I had ended up in her kitchen trying to learn to make black eyed peas and calora beans... now that was gone. She had come by once to check on me but I was too asshamed to explain how I was locked inside. Infact I am pretty sure she was the reason I was now locked inside.
One visit She was excited to ask me all about my "company" the night before. "ohh girl you FINALLY had company over last night I see. Its about time. I had begun to think you didnt have no friends." (I looked at her in confussion. I hadnt had company... in fact Gary had to work late. he had run thru to pick up a few things but no company. "Get out," she laughed,"then who was that Pregnant girl in your man's car... I saw him down in the parking garage and he told me she was one of your friends."...
..........But this is all a part of a long story of how I ended up here on my knees infront of packed boxes......
with the move coming I had ploted that as we loaded the boxes into the moving van and took them over to a storage unit that I could make my break. But alot happened over the days when he actually came home to help me pack. Gone were the days (so he said) of doing drugs, dragging me on his drug runs ("run its a bust"), he was tired of worrying about my 'safety' and keeping me locked in, this (so he said) would be the start of the RIGHT life this time. I began to waiver as I always did. I didnt know better. This latest move was a good hour out of where we were. He explained that he didnt know anyone in Orange to buy drugs off & how silly it would be to drive all the way back here to get them "besides you can be sure to catch me at it if I am gone for long periods of time.... the only bad news is you need to get a job as my grandma said so.. she says your lazy"... I blinked. Lazy? He had asked me not to work as "real wifes stay home and take care of their men" and in a small way I had always been a beliver in this (still am) ... but when my things started to go and I had to depend on someone else for food and smokes I had WANTED a job but was cut off from the outside world.
(I learned to roll cigarettes out of his butts and make a pressed cotton filter)
the whole picture seemed to be improving. Maybe he was going to try this time. I wouldnt like the fact that we would be living with his grandmother but in the same breath this meant he wouldnt be able to put my head thru walls as I had protection. No more openning an empty cabinet to find a single well placed can of Tuna (the smell of fish makes me gag but "if you get hungry enough you will find a way to eat it")... Everything was adding up to a whole new and better life. 'FINALLY things will be normal'.. to seal the deal he at last purposed to me. Yes things would be better.
So I sat waiting for him to get off of work. Tonight would be the last we stayed here in this apartment. Granny's was small and was to be a stop over on our way to a new life. All the items that we had been dragging place to place would have to go into storage. "only take what you need to get by".. like a vacation I packed everything for storage except one small 'carry on' bag for grannies.
I uncapped the black perminate marker that I had been labeling the boxes with and wrote "I Love Gary" across the top of a box and down the side. "true love forever"... this would let me know which box I had put IT in.
In the hours of sitting at the box I had taken out a single page of lined paper and began writing.
"If your reading this by chance it means I'm not with you. Something has gone wrong along the way but at this moment right now as I sit here know that I am in love with you, that I have done everything I could to make you happy in this life...." and I spilled forth all the emotions I had in me. I folded the letter and slipped it inside the box.... as a last measure I wrote ever so small along the lid of the "KITCHEN" box . "should we not be together.. look inside"
I worried as we put the items into storage. what if he saw this, what if he somehow read the note a head of time... but he didnt. The door rolled closed and went black inside with the note................................
Today as I stood in the kitchen, arms folded looking out the window I almost wonder... "do you think Steve will ever even wonder about the neons?". Its been over 6 months since we have spoken and longer since I saw him last. he most likely wont even know when I do move.... and I think about that box instorage some 20 years ago now.
The day that I did leave Gary I simply walked away and never came back. I hadnt bothered to grab ANY of the things I had carried to Grannys in the small bag, I didnt even stop to get out of my pajamas. I ....well... TRIED to disappear (how I wish that was the end of the story).
the Neons... the box.... my 'drawer'. the contents of my life had been redued to a single drawer by that time... I wonder often how it must have felt for him to clean out my drawer. was there ever any emotion at all? did it cause him any pain? did it feel like I had died when he had to open my drawer and see what items I had kept with me all this time and felt were the most valuable to keep on me? It had only been a few days after christmas and the packages I had opened were left with the lids off in a corner of the room. It had been mostly clothes as Gary had thrown all my out at the old place in fear that men should look at me. He gave me his hand me downs and if I whined he would act as if I were putting down HIS wardrobe by not wanting the cast offs.
My mum had given me clothes, she had cried when she took me to try them on & the christmas music played as she tells me now that she looked at my ribs sticking out and bruises on my arms (I didnt see it).. I remember how as I opened each box I looked over at Gary's reaction to see if I would EVER get to wear any of these items and yet I had made sure that all of them had long sleeves, high necks, black and white only. I hadnt put them away in my drawer as I didnt know if they were allowed. what did he do with clothing that still had tags on it? did he GIVE them away as I practically have the Neons?
did he hold onto my things for even a while as I have held on to my ex's for 3 years...
AMAZING I have come this far in my life. I just looked over at my husband and felt greatful.