Left remembering what its like to have you here with me..
This is definitly going to be the hardest one to write, but also the most needed.
This one goes to you, Austin Robinson. Rest in Peace.
Wow, what can I really say. Im still in shock. His ex-girlfriend who probably is not my biggest fan, is the reason I find out. Yes, she, who about a year ago, texts me from Austin's phone talking about how she is his girlfriend and after all this time spent in a relationship, she can't "get him over me". Then she adds me on facebook a while back. So its been interesting. But she has been nice to me and i know she's hurting too.
Well it is strangely familiar when I read her note that she wrote today about him. It was just what I would have written. Austin was a great, smart, intelligent, and caring guy. On the other hand, he was selfish when it came to him and his drug habits. I tried and tried to get him to quit and to help him see he needed it. But after awhile, I knew there was no more I could do for him. And, I couldnt stand to watch him hurt himself like that. So we broke up after a year of trying to make it work.
What a year it was too. We were only 16 and so inexperienced with the whole relationship thing. At first my friend Lauren liked him, but then that just fizzled and him and I started talking and started liking each other. I remember the first day I went to hung out with him at his house. At the time, I couldn't drive, so my friend Jen drove me all the way down to Rocky River rd. which we got so incredibly lost on the way and it took forever to finally get to his house. So we hang out, and of course it was a little awkward, but it was decent. Then we started hanging out with friends and going out to movies and all that good stuff. He asked me out June 16, 2004 (yes i cant believe i still remember this, but its also earlier in this LJ) in the AMC movie theater (during a movie, yes) and of course I said yes. After a while, he thought about breaking up with me, but I guess something made him change his mind and stay in the relationship.
A few months later he said "i Love You." which was huge, my first serious boyfriend and first serious I Love You. and a couple months after that he decided to take it back. and tell me he didnt mean it when he said it. which was horrible and I definitly didn't understand that plus the fact I was upset... I mean, how can you take it back? Then a couple months after that, he said it again and said he really meant it this time. so I believed him. Then we started talking about sex. We had done a couple things, which were all knew to me. I remember us having "sleepovers" at each others houses since we lived so far away, our moms were both ok with it every once in awhile. But we would sneak into each others rooms and make out and whatever else. man do I miss being a teenager. So anyways, I remember him talking about having sex. and we repeatedly would get into fights about it, because I didnt want to. he had never had sex either, but I think I still thought I would save myself for marriage and I didnt think I would be another teen having sex. So we got in fights about, nearly broke up about it, and said hurtful things to eachother out of anger about it. And so finally Valentine's day came around and it ended up happening. So cliche, but it was an experience for the both of us. and pretty much the rest of the time we were together we were just teenagers in love, fooling around. But there was always the issue of drugs.
Just like the sex, pot was another thing he begged and begged me to try with him. So eventually I caved in. I smoked quite a bit with him when we would hang out. I figured it had to be good if he was always doing it. So we did it alot. But then afterawhile I realized that drugs were still an issue in our relationship. He would smoke pot all the time. Or do shrooms. or go over to his older brother's apartment and do coke or other hard drugs. And it was like he wasnt hearing me. I know he wanted to change, but I think the reality of being a teenager overruled that. Finally one day I told him I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't watch him do this to himself. I couldn't watch him get worse and ruin his life and school. All his intelligence was going to waste it felt like. He would constantly be on adderroll and stay up all night write me long long notes and then go to school all day.
So of course, he kept calling me crying about what happened. And how sorry he was. And how he would change if I would just give him another chance. But I gave him so many, and at first he didnt realize it, but after a while he did. Then for months after that, he would call me randomly. Asking for another chance and telling me that he had changed. But I had kind of given up and I just knew I didn't have it in me at the time to try again. I had moved on. It was my notorious summer of having 4 boyfriends at a time. and then after not so serious dating, I started dating Greg. Which was my next serious... even more so... relationship. And throughout it, Austin would still talk to me, and I would give him the time of day, but he clearly knew where I was in my life and that it couldnt include him. And I remember Greg wanting to beat his ass because he thought he was still in love with me. And he was... but I wasn't with him, not like that. Fighting wouldn't solve anything anyways. So we kept in touch. But I didn't see him for years.
Then last year, at the beginning of my sophomore year, I remember him calliing me and begging to come hang out. So, I decided to give him a chance. He raved about how much he had changed, how much he had missed me and how he couldnt wait to see me. So he finally showed up at my dorm with a friend. they both stunk like cigarettes and whatever else. we talked somewhat and it was extremely awkward. then his friend and him had to leave. then he calls me later that night crying about how much he misses me, so then of course i start crying because i feel awful, but I feel nothing like that between us. A couple months later he comes over to hang again...... and reeks of alcohol. I could see it in his eyes.... its like he wasnt all there. and that killed me. obviously nothing had changed and he was still doing this to himself. so after being awkward and all that, he left again. and that was the last time i really saw him. He, until a few weeks ago, would call me time and time again asking to hang out or just get some coffee. and I told him out of respect of my boyfriend, i couldn't. I felt bad but I really couldnt. The last time he asked to hang out, a couple of months ago, I told him again that I couldn't. He called me and we talked about it and I told him that it hurt me to be with him and to see him hurting and the memories of me hurting him. He told me it would be different, he wouldnt be like that anymore, he had a girlfriend. But I still couldn't bring myself to do it. And I regret it, but at the same time, its what I felt like i needed and would be best.
I know that its not my fault and I couldn't have done anything to prevent this. Its a shame that he died of something so preventable, something unfortunate, that I think everyone that knew him, thought could happen one day. I dont know how to handle this. And I was just talking today about how lucky I was that I hadn't ever lost anyone that I really knew or was close to... I even knocked on wood not to jinx myself. He taught me a lot, opened my mind to things, and gave me a lot of perspective. He is one of the guys in this world that will always have a piece of my heart. I am an absolute mess, and my boyfriend sure didnt help today. He wasn't there for me and that is extremely disappointing, but it is what it is and right now im focusing more on myself and my hurt and not taking time to deal with that bullshit.
Things I have to think Austin for: the love of The Beatles, Jimi Hendrix and so many more classic rock singers/bands. He had tons of old records and we would just lay in his floor and stare at his crazy trippy posters for hours listening to those records. He always pointed out the Beauty in simple things, especially in nature. We once found a baby pinecone... and yeah it was our baby and it disappeared for awhile and then showed back up mysteriously... it was hilarious. Matchbook Romance was our band, and Promise was our song, which makes me sad to read the lyrics now. He made me love hemp anything, thus my love for hemp necklaces. He gave me a purse that looks like a boombox and i still have it and love it. I still have his notes he wrote me on those long nights he was awake.
Im going to remember all the good times. Amanda has really helped me with this today. Especially Christmas and Prom... those were amazing memories. And as I remember more, I will add them in here, because I dont ever want to lose those memories, and I know that I won't. He will always have a piece of my heart and a piece of my mind. And I will truly miss him, but I hope he has found another great life and take care of himself wherever he may be. Im sure he got to heaven. And i know i will see him again one day.
definitly my favorite
