(Even If the Road Ahead Is Dangerous) I Can't Stop Now
Title: (Even If the Road Ahead Is Dangerous) I Can't Stop Now
Author: the_resolver
Fandom: EXO
Pairing: Minseok/Luhan
Word Count: ~4000
Rating: R
Warnings: mentions of homophobia (internal and external)
Summary: Luhan was pretty sure the transfer student was going to ruin his life.
Author's Notes: ***The title is from a translation of Black Pearl***, I hope this was everything you wanted. Originally for seokmonsters
It was called the done thing, well that was what it was called in British private schools back in the day. But even still, it was a taboo, you just didn't do it. You didn't hook up with other boys in the private school. There was incredible pressure to be perfect, to be everything you could be, to be everything that someone who was going to do great things was meant to be. It was too much pressure, it was too much anything. Luhan had been living with if for so long that he didn't even know any other way. He just knew what he should be, wasn't exactly what he was. Luhan wanted to blame Minseok, the cute Korean boy who'd transferred to the Keystone academy in Beijing.
It wasn't that bad, Minseok didn't really speak Mandarin that well, but Luhan thought that was cute, and all the lessons were in English anyway, they were in 'high school', although sometimes Minseok was a bit lost when they were all in the dorms because he didn't always understand what everyone was talking about when they slipped into Mandarin. Minseok was cute, and that was a problem. Luhan was distracted by the Korean - distracted in a way he wasn't supposed to be. In a way he knew he couldn't be. He was supposed to be interested in girls, and Minseok was a boy. Minseok had the brightest smile in the world - and Luhan found himself wondering what he could do to make the boy smile everyday. He wanted to be the reason he smiled - but he also hated him.
Minseok was threatening the flimsy fabric of Luhan's existence. Luhan avoided Minseok, which probably wasn't the best plan he'd ever had. But since Minseok had transferred earlier that year he'd been avoiding being alone with him. He knew he had an instant crush on the boy - he wasn't in love, he couldn't be, not without talking to him more and making him a close friend at least. Luhan didn't really know if there was even a reason for this whole Minseok scenario. He had never had this problem before, he'd never spent time wondering about what it would be like to be with someone.
He'd assumed that he was never going to be interested in anyone, but clearly that was wrong. Minseok was what he liked. He might have avoided one on one time with Minseok but he did spend some time with him. They were in a very similar group of friends, and that meant that there wasn't really much opportunity for Luhan to avoid Minseok. Not that he could have done that subtly, he was going to have to keep on communicating with the other. Regardless of how he felt and how difficult it was for him.
Minseok's smile could light up a room, and that was something that Luhan had always envied, he'd always wished that smile could just be for him, that the smile could be because of him. But he didn't make Minseok smile. Not really, Luhan was too busy on the edge of caution. He didn't want to make himself obvious, he didn't want everyone to know how he felt about Minseok - because that would social suicide, and then his parents would find out and then it would be worse than social suicide, and he didn't really want to have to go through all of that over something that he hoped would pass.
He didn't want to have to explain it to anyone, and he didn't even know where to begin explaining how Minseok made him feel, or could make him feel. But then of course he didn't know the limits of what Minseok could make him feel and this was all too much for him to be thinking about in his economics class. He hated being a business major sometimes but he knew that it was going to set him up for a great life and everything else, the boredom, the hours and hours spent trying to work out how to plan businesses and understand the stock market would be worth. At least that is what he kept telling himself.
He didn't really know why he let his mind wander like this in class. It always went to Minseok - the one place he really wished it didn't go to. He didn't want to constantly think about what it would feel like to kiss the boy. He didn't need that on his mind when he had more maths than he could possibly comprehend being thrown at him. His economics teacher also always picked students he thought weren't paying attention - and if it wasn't for Tao, Luhan was pretty sure he would be on the top of the list of students the teacher hated. Tao quite often fed Luhan the answers to make sure that he didn't make a fool of himself in the class. Tao - like everyone in Luhan's life - didn't know about Luhan's inclination towards men let alone his ridiculous crush on Minseok, but Tao had never asked why Luhan's mind was never focused on the maths.
When they got out of economics the pair walked to the cafeteria to get lunch. Luhan was tired - he'd stayed up all night streaming his favourite movie series. He just had too much on his mind to possibly think about sleeping. He was already starting to flag and it was only lunch time. He knew he had soccer practice after class but right now all he could think about was going to sleep at the lunch table.
He sat with Tao - on the same table as Minseok - and immediately put his arms on the desk and rested his head on them. He closed his eyes and was quick to fall asleep. He didn't really want to talk to his friends anyway, he was stressed and this whole Minseok crush was driving him crazy.
He didn't wake up until he felt a hand on his back and looked up to see Minseok, he wiped his eyes and tried not to look too sleepy, he prayed that he hadn't drooled - because that was really not the look you wanted the person you were crushing on to see. Minseok smiled at Luhan, "Lunch is over, it's time for English" Minseok said, that smile still etched on his face - which Luhan was starting to believe was the case because Minseok secretly knew what that did to his heart. "We can walk together as we're in the same class" Minseok offered.
Luhan nodded and got up, picking his rucksack up from where he left it and started walking with Minseok. Minseok was quiet - but Luhan assumed that was because they didn't really talk much anyway and also the language barrier. As they got to the English corridor Minseok finally spoke. "When's your next game?" He asked, there was still time before class started.
"Friday" Luhan sighed, "but it's our biggest rivals and I heard that they have an amazing team this year, and I don't think we can win" He walked into the classroom and sat down in a seat near the window, he liked to gaze out of the window and look at the view, wondering what it would be like if he could just explore the world.
"You're the best striker in the league's history." Minseok said, looking over at Luhan who couldn't help but blush at the idea that Minseok actually knew about his stats and to make it even better cared. "Well you're going to break the points record this year, I think you can do it." He said giving Luhan the cheesiest thumbs up.
"Thanks" Luhan said with a smile. Minseok was really something, Luhan wondered how Minseok wasn't fighting off the girls. He was attractive, and he was so nice and that smile was just perfection. "I saw your design for a stadium for our matches." He said with a small smile.
"Oh", now it was Minseok's turn to blush, the pink scattering across his face in a way that Luhan thought was ethereal. He wished he wasn't thinking of Minseok in this way but there was something magical about him, even when he was blushing. "It really wasn't good, I rushed and if you look close the lines aren't straight and I didn't quite get the pitch to scale."
Luhan shook his head, "No, it looks amazing, I don't know why you can't see it. I really hope they pick your design. I know the team wants your idea." Luhan said reciprocating the cheesy thumbs up he'd previously received.
"Thanks, but I don't think that it's going to happen" Minseok sighed a little, "but it would be so cool if it did. It would be the first part of my portfolio." He smiled.
"You're really talented so don't worry about it." Luhan said with a smile, "the other entries really aren't as good as yours." Luhan was a lot bias when it came to Minseok's design, but he was pretty sure that even if he wasn't hopelessly crushing on the Korean he would like his design the best, it was the most practical for the sports teams and honestly, he liked the idea of the changing rooms being bigger and further apart to stop people fighting after the games - not that had happened many times.
The game came sooner than Luhan had imagined, and they were down to penalty shots, Luhan was supposed to go last, and so far it was a draw, both teams scoring with every shot. Luhan took a deep breath as he stood getting ready to take the shot. He ran and kicked and watched with bated breath as the ball veered towards the net only to be blocked by the goal keeper.
When the other team scored their shot, it was all over. It was Luhan’s fault. He had missed the only shot that mattered, it was him who had lost the game for everyone. He didn’t know what to say to the team so just showered and then dressed before leaving the locker room. He skipped dinner - he had snacks in his room - he didn’t want to see anyone else. He didn’t want to look at all the people who he’d let down by missing the kick. He would never have done that in any other situation, it had been an easy shot to make. He knew that no one would say it to his face, but they would all be thinking about how it was all his fault. He heard a knock on the door, it was past curfew so he didn’t want to just shout at whoever it was to just go away, so he got up and answered.
Luhan smiled when he saw Minseok standing at his door, "Hurry, we have to be quiet." He said with a small smile moving to grab Luhan's hand and moving to drag him outside. Luhan followed, he was still dressed and he was in no real position to fight Minseok about this and he wasn't going to tell the dorm mother about it either. He wasn't going to get his friend in trouble - that was no way to get a crush to like you back - and he was curious to see what this night time escapade was all about. Minseok kept going, not saying anything until they got to the soccer pitch.
"We're playing soccer?" Luhan said raising his eyebrow. "I missed my last shot, the last thing I want right now it be out played by you." He breathed out, reminding himself not to be a complete asshole. "No offence."
"Well I'm offended, so now you definitely have to play." Minseok said with a small smile kicking he ball towards Luhan. Luhan sighed and moved with the ball trying to out skill Minseok - who he had to admit was better than he expected. He moved to put his palm on Minseok's chest to keep him arms length away to stop him getting the ball as Luhan managed to get around him before moving to kick the ball into the goal.
Luhan turned to face Minseok and smiled. Minseok ran to get the ball and take it back to the place they started from. Luhan stood to defend, there was no way he was going to let Minseok score a goal now, he was one up. He was surprised when Minseok managed to get past him and score. Minseok did an over the top celebration, before turning to face Luhan and giving him a smile, "I knew you'd underestimate me." He teased.
"I won't do it again." Luhan said with a smile, moving to take the starting position with the ball, they were one all and Luhan hated to lose, not even to the cutest boy in the whole school. Luhan was made up of many pieces of a competitive puzzle so he was not about to lose. He smiled as they played, the day before completely forgotten about, everything was gone, it was just him, Minseok and the ball. It was everything that he needed.
The sneaking out started happening most nights, they wouldn’t just play soccer, they also lay on the field looking at the stars, they talked about the most pointless things, food, travelling, dreams. Luhan told Minseok all about how he wanted to be a professional soccer player and play for Manchester United - his favourite team - although he knew he was going to end up following his father’s footsteps in business. Minseok told him all about how he’d never wanted to be anything other than an architect. Luhan really did admire that, it was a passion that Minseok had always had and he was doing whatever he could to get what he wanted.
It would always end the same with them starting to get tired and Luhan walking Minseok back to his dorm. One night Minseok stopped Luhan just as they were approaching the dorm building and pulled him into the shadows. Luhan didn’t say anything he just watched as Minseok moved closer to him. Luhan didn't expect it, it was slow, but also too fast. Minseok's lips were on his and they were kissing. He wanted to keep it going, he wanted to save the moment forever as he held the other's waist close to his. He didn't want the other to pull back. He didn't want it to be obvious that this was the first kiss he'd ever had but he wasn't sure what he was supposed to do - and he could tell that Minseok did know what to do, so he was just following him. They parted and Minseok leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to Luhan's lips.
"I can't." Luhan said quietly. "I can't." he repeated but this time in Mandarin. He felt the walls closing in, from this moment - despite how magical it was, there was no going back, he was found out, discovered, and everything was suddenly so real. He didn't want to do this, he didn't want to be caught here kissing a boy, but all he wanted to do was lean in again and kiss Minseok more, he didn't want to move away from this moment to when he'd have to start facing the consequences of what was happening.
"Luhan" Minseok said quietly, "I'm sorry, I really like you and I thought you felt the same, but it's obvious that you don't and I'm so sorry about that." Minseok said looking down at the floor and Luhan felt as his heart broke just seeing the other so down. "Please, don't tell anyone that I kissed you."
"N-No it's not that." Luhan said quietly, "it's me, I can't be this, I can't be gay"
Minseok just looked at Luhan and shook his head, "I'm not forcing you to want me back, ok, it was a mistake. I shouldn't have done anything." He said and Luhan could feel his own heart breaking more and more as he saw Minseok retreating into himself. Before he even knew what was happening he'd pulled the boy closer and was kissing him again. A bit more desperately this time. Luhan kept the kiss going until he needed to breath, but after they pulled back Minseok gave him a little smile, "We don't have to tell anyone how we feel." Minseok said quietly, "I don't want to tell people either."
"I'm not, this isn't something I can do." He said quietly, "I'm a good Chinese boy." He said, more to tell himself than Minseok and turned to leave. He nearly ran back to his room and just sat on his bed, staring at the wardrobe. He just wanted to go back in time, stop it all happening, he didn't want to stop it at all, he wanted to kiss Minseok more. He wanted to go to Minseok's room and kiss him until he couldn't breathe. But he didn't want to live with these feelings, he didn't want to have to hide everything and he didn't even know if his parents would still love him if he told them or if they found out about him and Minseok - not that there was a him and Minseok thanks to him running away.
He was a coward, and he knew it. He couldn't even face himself, let alone face anyone else about how he felt. He knew that the school wasn't exactly pleased about homosexual relationships and he'd heard that there had been someone expelled the year before for it, under the terms 'the done thing', and Luhan couldn't do that, he couldn't shame his family like that. Luhan just couldn't stop himself from the way he was feeling, he wanted to make it to the other before he decided that he didn't want to bother with him anymore but he couldn't. He just couldn't get up and do it. He didn't even know what to say.
The next few weeks were awkward, they didn't talk, Luhan tried not to even look at the other boy. He didn't know how he was going to talk about what had happened between them, he didn't know what to say to the other. How he could tell him that all he could do was think about kissing him again, being with him again. How his whole body cried for Minseok to look at him again, to want him. But he knew he'd probably blown it. He should have blown it. He didn't want to have the chance.
Luhan had heard from Tao that Minseok wasn't acting like himself recently, he was locking himself in his room after class and just studying. Luhan didn't want to think that it was his fault, but he knew deep down that it was. He knew that he had hurt the other and he knew that the others could never find out what was wrong with Minseok.
He ended up sneaking out of his room and knocking on Minseok's door. He held his breath pretty sure that the other wasn't going to answer the door. Minseok opened the door and just looked at Luhan. Luhan took a quick breath. "Can we go for a walk?"
"It's past curfew." Minseok said almost flatly.
"I know, but please." Luhan said quietly, "Please just come for a walk with me." He looked directly at Minseok. "I promise, I won't bother you again if you come with me." He didn't want them to be like this, and he hated seeing the other uncomfortable to see him. Minseok nodded a little.
They walked together on the grounds, Luhan didn't really say much, he just walked while he tried to get his thoughts together. It bothered him that he was at a loss for words, he needed to say something to fix everything, but he didn't really know what was going to be the right thing to say. "Minseok, I didn't mean to be like that after we kissed." Luhan said quietly, Minseok didn't react and Luhan felt a sharp knife through his heart. "Look, I am afraid."
"I thought you were never afraid." Minseok scoffed a little, Luhan tried not to laugh at that, because it really wasn't the place.
"I'm afraid of what happens if anyone ever finds out." Luhan said and looked at Minseok, "Aren't you afraid of what will happen if the school finds out, or if our parents find out. Do you know what will happen?" Luhan said, his voice shaking a little, he wasn't sure if it was fear or nerves.
"I know we'll get expelled if someone catches us kissing, but we're not going to get caught." Minseok said with a little shrug, "and our parents aren't going to find out unless we tell them and I'm assuming you're not going to tell them." Minseok said with a shrug. "I'm not afraid of how other people will react. I like you."
"I can't. I shouldn't." Luhan said quietly, stopping and turning to look at Minseok. "I shouldn't like you back, I shouldn't be like this." he stopped talking when he leant in to kiss Minseok gently. Minseok was quick to return the kiss, wrapping his arms around Luhan's waist and holding him close. Luhan kissed Minseok until he couldn't breathe, He didn't want to stop, when he pulled back he kept close to the architect.
"If you're going to run away from this, then you really should stop kissing me." Minseok said with a small smile. Luhan kissed Minseok again instead of giving him an answer. "I promise you Luhan, I'm not going to tell anyone. Don't be afraid, let's just see where this all goes. You know this might not even last long." Luhan wanted to argue, he wanted to tell Minseok that it was going to last a long time.
Luhan was pretty happy when he woke up the next morning, knowing that they had sorted everything out, that they had come to some form of a conclusion. He knew it wasn’t going to be easy but he needed to start to get over himself and try to be happy, to make Minseok happy and to get used to the idea that they were going to have to find ways to be subtle, when all he wanted to do was kiss the other until they both couldn’t breathe anymore.
Author: the_resolver
Fandom: EXO
Pairing: Minseok/Luhan
Word Count: ~4000
Rating: R
Warnings: mentions of homophobia (internal and external)
Summary: Luhan was pretty sure the transfer student was going to ruin his life.
Author's Notes: ***The title is from a translation of Black Pearl***, I hope this was everything you wanted. Originally for seokmonsters
It was called the done thing, well that was what it was called in British private schools back in the day. But even still, it was a taboo, you just didn't do it. You didn't hook up with other boys in the private school. There was incredible pressure to be perfect, to be everything you could be, to be everything that someone who was going to do great things was meant to be. It was too much pressure, it was too much anything. Luhan had been living with if for so long that he didn't even know any other way. He just knew what he should be, wasn't exactly what he was. Luhan wanted to blame Minseok, the cute Korean boy who'd transferred to the Keystone academy in Beijing.
It wasn't that bad, Minseok didn't really speak Mandarin that well, but Luhan thought that was cute, and all the lessons were in English anyway, they were in 'high school', although sometimes Minseok was a bit lost when they were all in the dorms because he didn't always understand what everyone was talking about when they slipped into Mandarin. Minseok was cute, and that was a problem. Luhan was distracted by the Korean - distracted in a way he wasn't supposed to be. In a way he knew he couldn't be. He was supposed to be interested in girls, and Minseok was a boy. Minseok had the brightest smile in the world - and Luhan found himself wondering what he could do to make the boy smile everyday. He wanted to be the reason he smiled - but he also hated him.
Minseok was threatening the flimsy fabric of Luhan's existence. Luhan avoided Minseok, which probably wasn't the best plan he'd ever had. But since Minseok had transferred earlier that year he'd been avoiding being alone with him. He knew he had an instant crush on the boy - he wasn't in love, he couldn't be, not without talking to him more and making him a close friend at least. Luhan didn't really know if there was even a reason for this whole Minseok scenario. He had never had this problem before, he'd never spent time wondering about what it would be like to be with someone.
He'd assumed that he was never going to be interested in anyone, but clearly that was wrong. Minseok was what he liked. He might have avoided one on one time with Minseok but he did spend some time with him. They were in a very similar group of friends, and that meant that there wasn't really much opportunity for Luhan to avoid Minseok. Not that he could have done that subtly, he was going to have to keep on communicating with the other. Regardless of how he felt and how difficult it was for him.
Minseok's smile could light up a room, and that was something that Luhan had always envied, he'd always wished that smile could just be for him, that the smile could be because of him. But he didn't make Minseok smile. Not really, Luhan was too busy on the edge of caution. He didn't want to make himself obvious, he didn't want everyone to know how he felt about Minseok - because that would social suicide, and then his parents would find out and then it would be worse than social suicide, and he didn't really want to have to go through all of that over something that he hoped would pass.
He didn't want to have to explain it to anyone, and he didn't even know where to begin explaining how Minseok made him feel, or could make him feel. But then of course he didn't know the limits of what Minseok could make him feel and this was all too much for him to be thinking about in his economics class. He hated being a business major sometimes but he knew that it was going to set him up for a great life and everything else, the boredom, the hours and hours spent trying to work out how to plan businesses and understand the stock market would be worth. At least that is what he kept telling himself.
He didn't really know why he let his mind wander like this in class. It always went to Minseok - the one place he really wished it didn't go to. He didn't want to constantly think about what it would feel like to kiss the boy. He didn't need that on his mind when he had more maths than he could possibly comprehend being thrown at him. His economics teacher also always picked students he thought weren't paying attention - and if it wasn't for Tao, Luhan was pretty sure he would be on the top of the list of students the teacher hated. Tao quite often fed Luhan the answers to make sure that he didn't make a fool of himself in the class. Tao - like everyone in Luhan's life - didn't know about Luhan's inclination towards men let alone his ridiculous crush on Minseok, but Tao had never asked why Luhan's mind was never focused on the maths.
When they got out of economics the pair walked to the cafeteria to get lunch. Luhan was tired - he'd stayed up all night streaming his favourite movie series. He just had too much on his mind to possibly think about sleeping. He was already starting to flag and it was only lunch time. He knew he had soccer practice after class but right now all he could think about was going to sleep at the lunch table.
He sat with Tao - on the same table as Minseok - and immediately put his arms on the desk and rested his head on them. He closed his eyes and was quick to fall asleep. He didn't really want to talk to his friends anyway, he was stressed and this whole Minseok crush was driving him crazy.
He didn't wake up until he felt a hand on his back and looked up to see Minseok, he wiped his eyes and tried not to look too sleepy, he prayed that he hadn't drooled - because that was really not the look you wanted the person you were crushing on to see. Minseok smiled at Luhan, "Lunch is over, it's time for English" Minseok said, that smile still etched on his face - which Luhan was starting to believe was the case because Minseok secretly knew what that did to his heart. "We can walk together as we're in the same class" Minseok offered.
Luhan nodded and got up, picking his rucksack up from where he left it and started walking with Minseok. Minseok was quiet - but Luhan assumed that was because they didn't really talk much anyway and also the language barrier. As they got to the English corridor Minseok finally spoke. "When's your next game?" He asked, there was still time before class started.
"Friday" Luhan sighed, "but it's our biggest rivals and I heard that they have an amazing team this year, and I don't think we can win" He walked into the classroom and sat down in a seat near the window, he liked to gaze out of the window and look at the view, wondering what it would be like if he could just explore the world.
"You're the best striker in the league's history." Minseok said, looking over at Luhan who couldn't help but blush at the idea that Minseok actually knew about his stats and to make it even better cared. "Well you're going to break the points record this year, I think you can do it." He said giving Luhan the cheesiest thumbs up.
"Thanks" Luhan said with a smile. Minseok was really something, Luhan wondered how Minseok wasn't fighting off the girls. He was attractive, and he was so nice and that smile was just perfection. "I saw your design for a stadium for our matches." He said with a small smile.
"Oh", now it was Minseok's turn to blush, the pink scattering across his face in a way that Luhan thought was ethereal. He wished he wasn't thinking of Minseok in this way but there was something magical about him, even when he was blushing. "It really wasn't good, I rushed and if you look close the lines aren't straight and I didn't quite get the pitch to scale."
Luhan shook his head, "No, it looks amazing, I don't know why you can't see it. I really hope they pick your design. I know the team wants your idea." Luhan said reciprocating the cheesy thumbs up he'd previously received.
"Thanks, but I don't think that it's going to happen" Minseok sighed a little, "but it would be so cool if it did. It would be the first part of my portfolio." He smiled.
"You're really talented so don't worry about it." Luhan said with a smile, "the other entries really aren't as good as yours." Luhan was a lot bias when it came to Minseok's design, but he was pretty sure that even if he wasn't hopelessly crushing on the Korean he would like his design the best, it was the most practical for the sports teams and honestly, he liked the idea of the changing rooms being bigger and further apart to stop people fighting after the games - not that had happened many times.
The game came sooner than Luhan had imagined, and they were down to penalty shots, Luhan was supposed to go last, and so far it was a draw, both teams scoring with every shot. Luhan took a deep breath as he stood getting ready to take the shot. He ran and kicked and watched with bated breath as the ball veered towards the net only to be blocked by the goal keeper.
When the other team scored their shot, it was all over. It was Luhan’s fault. He had missed the only shot that mattered, it was him who had lost the game for everyone. He didn’t know what to say to the team so just showered and then dressed before leaving the locker room. He skipped dinner - he had snacks in his room - he didn’t want to see anyone else. He didn’t want to look at all the people who he’d let down by missing the kick. He would never have done that in any other situation, it had been an easy shot to make. He knew that no one would say it to his face, but they would all be thinking about how it was all his fault. He heard a knock on the door, it was past curfew so he didn’t want to just shout at whoever it was to just go away, so he got up and answered.
Luhan smiled when he saw Minseok standing at his door, "Hurry, we have to be quiet." He said with a small smile moving to grab Luhan's hand and moving to drag him outside. Luhan followed, he was still dressed and he was in no real position to fight Minseok about this and he wasn't going to tell the dorm mother about it either. He wasn't going to get his friend in trouble - that was no way to get a crush to like you back - and he was curious to see what this night time escapade was all about. Minseok kept going, not saying anything until they got to the soccer pitch.
"We're playing soccer?" Luhan said raising his eyebrow. "I missed my last shot, the last thing I want right now it be out played by you." He breathed out, reminding himself not to be a complete asshole. "No offence."
"Well I'm offended, so now you definitely have to play." Minseok said with a small smile kicking he ball towards Luhan. Luhan sighed and moved with the ball trying to out skill Minseok - who he had to admit was better than he expected. He moved to put his palm on Minseok's chest to keep him arms length away to stop him getting the ball as Luhan managed to get around him before moving to kick the ball into the goal.
Luhan turned to face Minseok and smiled. Minseok ran to get the ball and take it back to the place they started from. Luhan stood to defend, there was no way he was going to let Minseok score a goal now, he was one up. He was surprised when Minseok managed to get past him and score. Minseok did an over the top celebration, before turning to face Luhan and giving him a smile, "I knew you'd underestimate me." He teased.
"I won't do it again." Luhan said with a smile, moving to take the starting position with the ball, they were one all and Luhan hated to lose, not even to the cutest boy in the whole school. Luhan was made up of many pieces of a competitive puzzle so he was not about to lose. He smiled as they played, the day before completely forgotten about, everything was gone, it was just him, Minseok and the ball. It was everything that he needed.
The sneaking out started happening most nights, they wouldn’t just play soccer, they also lay on the field looking at the stars, they talked about the most pointless things, food, travelling, dreams. Luhan told Minseok all about how he wanted to be a professional soccer player and play for Manchester United - his favourite team - although he knew he was going to end up following his father’s footsteps in business. Minseok told him all about how he’d never wanted to be anything other than an architect. Luhan really did admire that, it was a passion that Minseok had always had and he was doing whatever he could to get what he wanted.
It would always end the same with them starting to get tired and Luhan walking Minseok back to his dorm. One night Minseok stopped Luhan just as they were approaching the dorm building and pulled him into the shadows. Luhan didn’t say anything he just watched as Minseok moved closer to him. Luhan didn't expect it, it was slow, but also too fast. Minseok's lips were on his and they were kissing. He wanted to keep it going, he wanted to save the moment forever as he held the other's waist close to his. He didn't want the other to pull back. He didn't want it to be obvious that this was the first kiss he'd ever had but he wasn't sure what he was supposed to do - and he could tell that Minseok did know what to do, so he was just following him. They parted and Minseok leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to Luhan's lips.
"I can't." Luhan said quietly. "I can't." he repeated but this time in Mandarin. He felt the walls closing in, from this moment - despite how magical it was, there was no going back, he was found out, discovered, and everything was suddenly so real. He didn't want to do this, he didn't want to be caught here kissing a boy, but all he wanted to do was lean in again and kiss Minseok more, he didn't want to move away from this moment to when he'd have to start facing the consequences of what was happening.
"Luhan" Minseok said quietly, "I'm sorry, I really like you and I thought you felt the same, but it's obvious that you don't and I'm so sorry about that." Minseok said looking down at the floor and Luhan felt as his heart broke just seeing the other so down. "Please, don't tell anyone that I kissed you."
"N-No it's not that." Luhan said quietly, "it's me, I can't be this, I can't be gay"
Minseok just looked at Luhan and shook his head, "I'm not forcing you to want me back, ok, it was a mistake. I shouldn't have done anything." He said and Luhan could feel his own heart breaking more and more as he saw Minseok retreating into himself. Before he even knew what was happening he'd pulled the boy closer and was kissing him again. A bit more desperately this time. Luhan kept the kiss going until he needed to breath, but after they pulled back Minseok gave him a little smile, "We don't have to tell anyone how we feel." Minseok said quietly, "I don't want to tell people either."
"I'm not, this isn't something I can do." He said quietly, "I'm a good Chinese boy." He said, more to tell himself than Minseok and turned to leave. He nearly ran back to his room and just sat on his bed, staring at the wardrobe. He just wanted to go back in time, stop it all happening, he didn't want to stop it at all, he wanted to kiss Minseok more. He wanted to go to Minseok's room and kiss him until he couldn't breathe. But he didn't want to live with these feelings, he didn't want to have to hide everything and he didn't even know if his parents would still love him if he told them or if they found out about him and Minseok - not that there was a him and Minseok thanks to him running away.
He was a coward, and he knew it. He couldn't even face himself, let alone face anyone else about how he felt. He knew that the school wasn't exactly pleased about homosexual relationships and he'd heard that there had been someone expelled the year before for it, under the terms 'the done thing', and Luhan couldn't do that, he couldn't shame his family like that. Luhan just couldn't stop himself from the way he was feeling, he wanted to make it to the other before he decided that he didn't want to bother with him anymore but he couldn't. He just couldn't get up and do it. He didn't even know what to say.
The next few weeks were awkward, they didn't talk, Luhan tried not to even look at the other boy. He didn't know how he was going to talk about what had happened between them, he didn't know what to say to the other. How he could tell him that all he could do was think about kissing him again, being with him again. How his whole body cried for Minseok to look at him again, to want him. But he knew he'd probably blown it. He should have blown it. He didn't want to have the chance.
Luhan had heard from Tao that Minseok wasn't acting like himself recently, he was locking himself in his room after class and just studying. Luhan didn't want to think that it was his fault, but he knew deep down that it was. He knew that he had hurt the other and he knew that the others could never find out what was wrong with Minseok.
He ended up sneaking out of his room and knocking on Minseok's door. He held his breath pretty sure that the other wasn't going to answer the door. Minseok opened the door and just looked at Luhan. Luhan took a quick breath. "Can we go for a walk?"
"It's past curfew." Minseok said almost flatly.
"I know, but please." Luhan said quietly, "Please just come for a walk with me." He looked directly at Minseok. "I promise, I won't bother you again if you come with me." He didn't want them to be like this, and he hated seeing the other uncomfortable to see him. Minseok nodded a little.
They walked together on the grounds, Luhan didn't really say much, he just walked while he tried to get his thoughts together. It bothered him that he was at a loss for words, he needed to say something to fix everything, but he didn't really know what was going to be the right thing to say. "Minseok, I didn't mean to be like that after we kissed." Luhan said quietly, Minseok didn't react and Luhan felt a sharp knife through his heart. "Look, I am afraid."
"I thought you were never afraid." Minseok scoffed a little, Luhan tried not to laugh at that, because it really wasn't the place.
"I'm afraid of what happens if anyone ever finds out." Luhan said and looked at Minseok, "Aren't you afraid of what will happen if the school finds out, or if our parents find out. Do you know what will happen?" Luhan said, his voice shaking a little, he wasn't sure if it was fear or nerves.
"I know we'll get expelled if someone catches us kissing, but we're not going to get caught." Minseok said with a little shrug, "and our parents aren't going to find out unless we tell them and I'm assuming you're not going to tell them." Minseok said with a shrug. "I'm not afraid of how other people will react. I like you."
"I can't. I shouldn't." Luhan said quietly, stopping and turning to look at Minseok. "I shouldn't like you back, I shouldn't be like this." he stopped talking when he leant in to kiss Minseok gently. Minseok was quick to return the kiss, wrapping his arms around Luhan's waist and holding him close. Luhan kissed Minseok until he couldn't breathe, He didn't want to stop, when he pulled back he kept close to the architect.
"If you're going to run away from this, then you really should stop kissing me." Minseok said with a small smile. Luhan kissed Minseok again instead of giving him an answer. "I promise you Luhan, I'm not going to tell anyone. Don't be afraid, let's just see where this all goes. You know this might not even last long." Luhan wanted to argue, he wanted to tell Minseok that it was going to last a long time.
Luhan was pretty happy when he woke up the next morning, knowing that they had sorted everything out, that they had come to some form of a conclusion. He knew it wasn’t going to be easy but he needed to start to get over himself and try to be happy, to make Minseok happy and to get used to the idea that they were going to have to find ways to be subtle, when all he wanted to do was kiss the other until they both couldn’t breathe anymore.