What's Knot Got To Do With It {2/3}
Jensen blinked.
Danni, wait!
He had to stop her.
He was almost halfway out the door when he heard it. It pierced right through him, obliterating his heart and clawing deep into his soul, bringing him to a halt. He looked up into the space of the door. And he just stared. His life and future in the wind. He scrubbed his hand down through his hair and over his face, fingers sliding across his mouth. Closing his eyes, he heard that dreadful sound playback in his head, which had broken into sobs. Jared needed him. He took a breath, exhaling audibly, and he closed the door.
Back in the living room he found Jared slumped down on the floor, knees bent towards his chest, making him look so much smaller than his frame would normally allow. Seeing him like this? It made Jensen’s heart clench, “Jay,” he said softly, though it came out more like a question, he wasn’t sure what the best way to handle this was. This was all Jensen’s fault. And he didn’t know if Jared would even want anything from him ever again. But he had to do something.
Jensen approached Jared slowly, crouching down next to his head he very gingerly placed his hand onto Jared’s shoulder blade, in anticipation of Jared’s reaction. He was relieved when all he did was flinch. He didn’t pull away or try and shove him off or tell him to leave. So Jensen rubbed his back in small circles, dropping down onto his butt, he lifted Jared enough to get his legs underneath him and he pulled Jared’s head -and the arm he was using as a pillow- into his lap. His fingers automatically finding their place in Jared’s hair, teasing through the strands to try and calm him, “Shhh,” he whispered.
Switching hands, he started stroking Jared’s back again too in tandem, “Shhh,” and they stayed like that for a while, until Jensen’s glutes started protesting being on the floor for so long. Jensen coaxed Jared to his feet and got him upstairs.
It wasn’t until he got Jared into the bed -into his and Danneel’s bed- that the tears started tracking down Jensen’s cheeks. But he just wrapped himself round Jared’s back and held on tight, doing his best to keep his breathing under control. Going through his mental check list.
He’d locked the front door.
Made sure the oven was off.
Fuck the food that was left lying.
He’d gotten Jared to drink some water.
He’d gotten them both stripped down to their underwear.
And he’d hurt the people he loved most in all the world. He kept seeing that look on Danneel’s face, the moment she crumpled so completely. And Genevieve. So destroyed. And her resignation to it. And the sound that had ripped itself out of the very core of Jared….No. Jensen had to fix it. He was going to fix it. He clung onto Jared tighter, but he kept his hands gentle, lightly stroking Jared’s arms and chest until Jared fell asleep.
When Jensen opened his eyes, he wasn’t entirely sure how much sleep he had actually had. And to be quite honest he really didn’t care. At some point during the night he and Jared had separated. And in the moment just before he turned his head, he clutched at the thinnest slither of hope that when he looked over that Danneel would be there in her space. That the dinner-that-wasn’t from hell was just the scariest high definition surround sound nightmare he had ever had.
But there Jared was. Making his heart ache all the more. He reached out across the small space between them, let his fingertips trail down Jared’s arm. He loved Jared. He had always loved Jared. Was in love, really, if you wanted to split hairs. Jared was his best friend. And he didn’t see why being in love with someone had to be viewed as something that could only exist on a romantic backdrop. There was so much more to love than romance.
Jensen wanted and needed Jared just as much as he wanted and needed Danneel. And vice versa. He knew Danneel knew this. He just needed to talk to her. They would talk and everything would be okay. Jensen pushed himself up, leaning over to kiss the back of Jared’s head before he got up and dressed and headed straight for Jared and Genevieve’s house.
He knocked on the door, nerves twinging in his gut as he waited. Sensing the exact moment that the petite brunette stood on the other side of the door. She didn’t open it right away though. Knuckles twitching to rap on the door again. But he didn’t, didn’t want rush her. He blew out his breath, rocking back on his heels, head tilted back. And when he brought it back down he was greeted with a glare from Genevieve, who looked ready to just slam the door back in his face, "Please. You already opened the door. Let me come in and just hear me out."
Genevieve let out a sigh, her gaze dropping, "Fine," and she let him in, and he followed her into the living room where Danneel was. She was on her feet standing in front of the comfy chair she had obviously just vacated as soon as she heard him. Genevieve stood next to her, brushing the back of her hand against Danneel’s. And they shared a look, both Betas just staring at him. Waiting.
Jensen worried his lip, fuck, he should have prepared something before just marching over here, "Firstly,” he said, clearing his throat, “I want to say I know I betrayed both of you and for that I'm sorry."
Danneel huffed, crossing her arms over her chest, "Just not for the actual fucking?"
"I didn't say that. That's not-"
"You didn't have to. A week, Jensen. A whole week. And you didn't think that was something you should have shared with me?"
"I've never told you about what Jared and I do-"
"That was before you decided to fuck him. Christ, blowing him and rubbing all up on him wasn't enough? I shouldn't have to tell you that that is not normal best friend behaviour."
"Danni-"
She held up her hand, "But you were up front about it. And you spend so much of your time together. I get it. The hours are long. And it's lonely. But you give each other comfort. Companionship. A reason not to look elsewhere," and Jensen was about to argue that he wouldn't have, but she held up her hand again, "I'm not saying you would have. But like an idiot, I took comfort in knowing you had each other."
Danneel wibbled a little and Genevieve squeezed her arm in support, it was then that Jensen noticed just how dishevelled they were too, the weariness of their eyes as they shared a rather hefty look, Danneel shook her head, "We never thought we could come between you two. Or make you stop. Alter your level of friendship-"
"It doesn't have to alter what you and I," he swallowed looking at Genevieve too, "What you and Jared-"
"But it has!” Danneel said with the utmost incredulity, “Fuck, Jensen. Jared is pretty fucking permanently altered. And you think you'll be able to stop yourself? Tell yourself no? You knotted him. You think you're not gonna crave that?"
"I've knotted you too. You're my wife. Fuck, Danni. You think I can just walk away from that? From you?"
"You will."
"And Jared will too," Genevieve added.
"Now, wait a second-" Jensen was ready to defend Jared, but Genevieve shook her head gravely.
"You made him yours, Jensen. You made him yours."
Jared didn’t want to move. Didn’t want to open his eyes either. And he didn’t need to look to know that Jensen wasn’t next to him. Danneel’s scent still lingered on the bedding, cruelly dragging him into the harsh light of reality. Making the bed feel that much emptier than it already felt without his best friend. How much weaker it made Jared feel. Reminding him of just how weak he had been. How powerfully the emotion had slammed him. He hated it.
The way Jensen’s touch had calmed him. That wasn’t anything new, Jensen had always had that effect on him, but last night it had just felt so much stronger somehow. It had been almost instantaneous. Like an entity unto itself, pressing into him, seeping into his flesh, permeating his brain, Jensen’s strong, beautiful arms wrapping round him, more secure than any blanket, as the comfort cradled his heart. And he’d blubbered all the harder for it, knowing he really shouldn’t have been blubbering at all. He had always been more emotional, more empathetic than the average Alpha, but nothing like that. Of course he wasn’t an Alpha anymore. He was an Omega.
When Jared finally couldn’t take it anymore he got up, throwing his clothes back on from the day before. Trudging downstairs to find Jensen in the kitchen, he was making coffee, not unusual in itself, but he was fully dressed and seemed a lot more alert than Jensen was given to be in the morning. Though of course Jared had no way of knowing how long Jensen had been up for. And there was the tiny matter of their lives having just imploded. But still.
“You’re up,” Jensen said as Jared entered the kitchen, glancing up from the coffee pot before his eyes found interest in his feet. It was then that Jared noted that Jensen was wearing boots.
“Where were you?”
Jensen interlocked and unlocked his fingers as he chewed on the corner of his lip, “I, uh, I went to go have a chat with the girls,” Jared watched as Jensen turned, leaning back against the counter, “See where we’re at,” Jensen kind of half huffed, half snorted, shaking his head and he crossed his arms over his chest, “Putting it behind us obviously isn’t an option-”
“Shouldn’t we at least try-” Jared said quickly, but Jensen struck him down.
“You think they could ever trust us again? After what we did. What I did?”
Jared shook his head. He didn’t like the sense of finality that was in Jensen’s voice. It had only been one conversation. And shouldn’t he get to be a part of conversations that were about their future? How could Jensen just go behind his back? Unless he didn’t think he was capable, “Did you do it on purpose?”
“What?”
“You knew this would happen, didn’t you? Fuck, Jensen. I have to register as an Omega!”
Jared felt a pang of guilt as the hurt contorted Jensen’s features, “Of course I didn’t. I’m in the same boat as you, Jared. How could-….we all thought it was bullshit. There aren’t even any recorded instances of that ever happening.”
Jared so did not care about facts or statistics right now, or how Jensen seemed to think the only issue was that Jared was an Omega, and not why he was an Omega, “What about our wives? I mean did you even think about Danni? Or Gen, when you decided to fuck up our marriages?”
“What? Like you did?”
“We cheated Jensen!! We betrayed their love. Their trust.”
“Don’t you think I know that?”
“Do you? What did we do it for? Why did you do it? Just tell me.”
“Shit. I don’t know. We were talking about starting families. Danni and Gen were talking names and pre-schools. And I was looking at you. How happy you were. And I couldn’t help but think how much I wanted that. With you. Raising our kids.”
“You wanted to impregnate me?”
“What? No. Fuck. No. I mean, Jesus, Jay. Why would I even-? It’s not like that could have happened. Physiologically impossible and all.”
“Well not anymore.”
“Shit, Jared. I never wanted to change you. It was just a dumb thought. I never-. I could just never imagine my future without you in it.” Jensen stepped into Jared’s space taking hold of his forearms, “Our two families. Side by side. Raising our kids together. That’s all I wanted.”
“Well you’re not going to get that now are you?” Jared broke out of Jensen’s hold and stormed out.
Choosing to ignore Jensen as he shouted after him, “Jared, wait! Where are you going to go?”
The door crashed behind him as he stepped out onto the porch. Jared wanted to tear it off of its hinges. He wanted to take each of the carefully placed plant pots and smash them into the garden path. He wanted to go back inside and punch Jensen’s stupidly beautiful face. But he wasn’t going to do any of those things. He wasn’t going to allow himself to become a slave to his emotions.
He walked the short distance to his own house. Hand pausing before it even reached the door. He took a breath, pushing his hand back through his hair and then he knocked, “Gen, please,” out of his mouth before the door was even fully open. Only it wasn’t Genevieve, his voice wavered a little, “Danni.”
“Jared.”
“Can I speak with Gen?”
“It’s Jared!” Danneel called out without taking her eyes from him, but she stepped aside when Genevieve appeared. The two women exchanging words in a glance, Danneel nodding her acquiescence and she left them to it.
“What is it?” Genevieve asked, arms folded over her chest.
“I need to stay here.”
“Why?”
“Gen. Just, please let me in.”
“Jared-”
“I don’t have anywhere else to go.”
Genevieve sighed, “You can’t stay in our bed-”
“I know,” he said a little too quickly, and then, “I mean, I understand. Just. Please?”
She sighed more heavily this time but she let him in. Lead him into the kitchen where she laid down some ground rules for their co-habitation. And Jared ended up telling her all about his fight with Jensen.
“Why can’t we just try and make it work?”
“Jared. I know you’re mad at him right now. But there was a moment. And maybe you didn’t make the decision consciously but you made it. And you chose him. And I can’t play second chair anymore. I won’t.”
“Gen,” Jared choked out around a sob, the emotion engulfing him.
“You’re an unclaimed Omega, Jared. And in our business that’s a worse position to be in than almost anywhere else. And even if I wanted to. I can’t claim you. Only an Alpha can. So you’re gonna have to make another decision.” She wasn’t saying it to be cruel, he could feel how much it pained her to have to say those things, “I’m sorry,” she whispered.
“No. Don’t you- you’re not the one who has to be sorry. It’s my fault-”
Genevieve shook her head, “I don’t know that it’s really anyone’s fault. Can’t mess with fate.”
“Fate?”
“We were all foolish to think we could pretend it wasn’t right there.”
It was kind of funny how time could move so fleetingly when each individual day felt like trying to run through a pit of wet cement. Jared had spent most of his time lying about listlessly either on the couch, that was in his office slash man cave. Or on the bed in the guest room on the days where he didn’t quite have it in him to even pretend he was still living life. Mostly he just wanted to stay out of the girls’ way. Though he’d had more conversations with Genevieve than he’d cared to about the dissolution of their marriage. A big part of him still didn’t want to accept it, but he’d given up on trying to convince her to stay.
Danneel had left about a week ago. Jared didn’t know where she’d gone. He hadn’t asked. They hadn’t really talked much anyway, apart from the odd sorry as they stepped around each other in the kitchen, or a half smile as they passed each other on the stairs or in the hall.
And it had been about a month since he’d last spoken to Jensen. He was a stubborn jackass like that. Not that Jensen had gone out of his way to talk to Jared either. Stubborn. Jackass. Or at least Jared hoped that that was all it was. He couldn’t bear the thought that Jensen couldn’t forgive him. That was part of what was holding him back.
As had become the norm, Jared didn’t begin to rouse into consciousness until about midday. He wriggled a little, tugging the covers more fully over himself. He was lying on his stomach and the movement caused the slightest of friction against his not-so-morning wood and he moaned. Pushing up onto his knees just enough to push his ass out and he rolled his hips down into the bed, and his dick slid along the sheets. Humping the bed in earnest, pre-come making the glide smoother, until a sudden burst of wetness dripped down his taint and onto his balls made him stop.
Jared reached back with his hand, his fingers landing directly on his wet, puffy hole, which made him shiver, his breath catching as he rubbed himself. He pushed two fingers in like it was nothing, curving them into his prostate, and he cried out. Bringing his fingers back before his face, the sticky substance webbing between his fingers before the stretch forced to part and slide down his fingers. Fuck. He’d forgotten all about the whole self-lubrication thing.
He pushed himself up onto his knees, leaning back on his heels, which he instantly regretted as his sopping wet pyjama bottoms came into contact with them and he quickly got himself off the bed. His cheeks heating up as he took in his reflection. If he didn’t know any better, it would look like he had wet himself. And as it was the patch of wetness kept expanding, the material starting to stick to him he was leaking so profusely from his dick and his asshole. He needed to make it stop.
Maybe he just needed to make himself come. Yeah. That sounded like a good plan. He peeled off his pants, and whipped off his shirt and walked naked to the shower in the master bathroom. He was alone in the house. Genevieve had gone to her parents. So it wasn’t like he had to worry about anyone seeing. He might have to owe her a new mattress though.
The water felt good on his skin, and he pressed his hands flat against the tile as he dropped his head down under the spray. He just stood for a moment before taking one hand off the wall to wrap around his aching dick. But it barely even took the edge off. If anything it just made him feel hornier. He didn’t even bother with a towel when he got out of the shower.
He felt hot. Really hot. And there was just a really overwhelming sense of need.
He called Jensen. And Jensen picked up on the second or third ring. Didn’t take much to convince him to come over. They were really smart, buying houses in the same neighbourhood. Jensen made it over in record time. And Jared practically whined the second Jensen set foot in the house, before he even called out. Jared sensed him. His scent was so heady, strong, and Jared needed it like breathing, “Jensen, please.”
He had no recollection of leaving his bedroom, but there he was at the top of the stairs.
“Fuck, Jay,” was what Jensen said as he took in the sight of him.
“Yes,” Jared nodded, and he moved to start down the stairs, “Please. Fuck me. Need you to fuck me.”
“Jared,” Jensen swallowed hard, holding up his hands, and Jared stopped moving as Jensen came to him instead, “I can’t-. We shouldn’t. You don’t really want me to.”
Jensen sounded upset by his own words, like he believed them. But they weren’t true, and he had to make Jensen see that. Jared shook his head vehemently, “I do want you to,” and he nodded then as Jensen gently placed his hands on Jared’s shoulders, guiding him back onto the landing.
“That’s just the heat talking. How about I run you a nice cold bath, huh?”
“No.” Jared shook his head again, “Need your dick in me.” And he wrapped himself round Jensen, nosing along his jaw line.
“Jared. Fuck.” Jensen took a breath, “Stop. We shouldn’t do this. Not like this. We need to talk about this Jared-”
But Jared wasn’t listening, he grabbed one of Jensen’s hands and brought it down to his hole, and he arched his back, rubbing himself against Jensen’s fingers.
“Fuck.”
“Please, Jensen. Please. I don’t want anyone else. I need you.”
And two of Jensen’s fingers curved into Jared’s hole, and Jared gasped, his grip tightening on Jensen’s wrist and he brought it up to his mouth to suck those two fingers clean. When they slipped from his tongue, Jensen brushed them over the apple of Jared’s cheek and down along his jaw to tuck his hair behind his ear. He captured Jared’s lips in a kiss and Jared got his arms around Jensen, his cock sliding over the rough of Jensen’s jeans.
Jensen’s hands just caressing Jared’s ass with the lightest of pressure, teasing and he jumped up so that Jensen had to grip on tight to hold him up. Fingertips tickling at his crack as Jensen pulled his ass cheeks apart, Jared could feel the fresh spurt of slick, “Jeeeeensen,” he moaned as Jensen carried him into the bedroom.
“It’s okay, Baby,” Jensen soothed, setting Jared down on the opposite side of the bed away from the wet patch, and he slid his hands up and down Jared’s thighs, thumbs pressing in along the underside, “I’ll take care of you.”
They had breakfast together in the morning, Jared had slid in behind Jensen to give him a hug while he was making the coffee and he rested his cheek on Jensen’s shoulder and he wasn’t going to let go. Then Jensen had to go and remind him about the whole food thing, and he let go to allow Jensen to make pancakes. But Jensen had to go meet with Danneel and their lawyer, so there was no room for lingering after they finished eating. Jared had almost forgotten that Jensen and Danneel were getting a divorce too. It was still hard to believe at times that it was all really happening. How they’d got there.
But in that moment Jared didn’t really care. He was finally Jensen’s and he didn’t want him to go. And he immediately felt like an asshole. Both Danneel and Genevieve deserved so much more.
Genevieve.
The house felt so hollow without her, and it wasn’t even as if she had taken any of her stuff, yet, but it was just that, a house. Genevieve had made it home. And it wasn’t anything. Just a shell.
Jared walked from room to room, unable to settle. He didn’t have the patience or the concentration to just sit and read. And forget about trying to follow anything he could pull up on a screen. He’d checked out the window more times than he’d care to count for any sign of Jensen’s truck, even though he knew it was nowhere near time for Jensen to be back yet.
He groaned a little when he got to the guest room, his room, as he took in the very blatantly sex-rumpled sheets. He smacked himself in the face and then dragged his hand down. He really had ruined the bed so completely. Omega or not, it couldn’t be normal to produce that much fluid.
It was just so mortifying. And oh God, how desperate and needy he had been with Jensen. There was a certain need that came with going into rut. But it had never made him feel so out of control. He wasn’t one of those Alphas that would just get on any available ass. He couldn’t just knot someone he wasn’t in love with. It meant something to him.
And somehow Jensen had managed to get him to forget that sacred vow he had taken with Genevieve. Because Jensen wasn’t the kind of Alpha to just knot anything that moved either. He loved Jared. Jared knew that. And he loved Jensen too. He had always loved Jensen right from the beginning.
He could still remember their first kiss very vividly.
They had been watching tv together, it’d been about a week and a half since Jensen officially moved in with him, and Jared had been surreptitiously trying to alleviate the boner he’d sprung. Or he had hoped. Jensen had caught him of course. But of all the possible scenarios that Jared could have come up with for how Jensen might have reacted, he never would have anticipated Jensen shoving his hand down into his pants to take a firm hold of his dick and jacking it himself. Jensen had kissed the gasp right from his lips.
Actually now that Jared thought about it, Jensen had always been the one to initiate their intimate interactions. The one that pushed things to the next level.
When they were in public Jared was seen as the initiator, the touchy feely one. And he did touch and grope and hug Jensen, and just generally took any opportunity to invade his personal space. And more often than not, Jensen would put on a show of rebuffing him or being uncomfortable with said intrusions.
But in private, Jensen was always the one who closed the gap. Pulled Jared close. A place Jared had never been opposed to being. He wished he could be there now, in Jensen’s arms.
The second Jensen got back Jared threw himself around him, and Jensen hugged back automatically, with a bit of a nervous laugh, “Hey. What’s all this for?”
“I missed you.”
“I was only gone a couple of hours.”
“You didn’t miss me?”
“I wanted to get back to you as soon as possible. Does that count?”
“How’d it go?”
“As expected? Danneel was always too rational for her own good,” Jensen twisted his wedding band with his thumb.
“You miss her?”
Jensen pinched the bridge of his nose and then shook his head, but a single tear still managed track down his cheek, “I’m sorry I fucked us all up.”
“Jensen-”
“We were supposed to have kids. The four of us. Me and Danni. You and Gen. And we’d have barbecues, and vacations, and I fucked it up. It’s all my fault.”
“It’s not like I was a passive participant. I could have stopped it.”
“Why didn’t you?” Jensen asked quietly, not trying to be inciteful or pass blame. Just curious.
Jared shrugged, “I don’t know. It felt good. And it’s not anything I hadn’t done with Genevieve.”
“You let-”
“I asked her to. I’d always wanted to know what it felt like. And you’ve never been rimmed. But it feels so good. And prostate massage….I never bought into that doing ass stuff makes you less than Alpha bullshit-”
“Well, me neither.”
“But you never wanted to try.”
“Not on myself. No. Are you still mad at me?”
“Not as much as maybe I should be. But it’s not something you did. We did it together. And fuck, I was never gonna be able to live my life without you in it anyway. I don’t think I could take it if you didn’t want me.”
“Of course I want you. Shit, Jared. I couldn’t live without you either,” and Jensen pulled him into a kiss.
Another month passes. They go to the conventions, but they don’t make any announcements or reveals, and they wear their wedding bands so as not to cast any suspicions but they don’t really talk about the girls, and no one really asks. Jared was using an Alpha scent to help cover along with Omega suppressors and they were both more hyper aware of just how much they touched each other and how exactly they touched each other in front of the fans, or even in front of their friends and fellow cast mates. But Jared still leaned into Jensen whenever he could, he needed the comfort, the fortitude that only Jensen could give him, especially with everything they couldn’t say. That Jared wasn’t ready to share.
And in between conventions Jensen had scheduled their down time practically down to the minute so that they were always doing something, even their lazy days had an itinerary. Which was something Jared would normally rib Jensen about, but it was what Jared needed right then. There was also no way Jared was getting over how insanely adorable it was and how ridiculously happy it made him that Jensen had actually pencilled in snuggle time into their days together. And how he made Jensen change “have sex” to “fuck Jared’s brains out”. And that one definitely got a “mission accomplished” and an A++ to which Jensen had snorted, “You know, you don’t have to leave feedback on every item.”
“Hey, you put in the work.”
And Jared grinned his face off when Jensen swatted at him.
They’d been so busy that Jared had almost forgot that he was supposed to go into heat. Didn’t even cross his mind until he got back from dropping Jensen off at the airport. Jensen was directing an episode again so he had to go back up early. Suppressors didn’t work that good. He’d read the booklet cover to cover about a gagillion times and he’d asked his doctor all the questions. During a heat the symptoms would be alleviated, the pills making it more manageable but it was very clear that the ache would still be there.
So Jared went to the doctor on his own, he didn’t bother telling Jensen about it because it was probably nothing. It was only his second heat, and his body probably just hadn’t regulated itself yet with the having to adjust to the medication and all. But he finds out that he’s pregnant. And then he really didn’t want to tell Jensen. If he told Jensen then he’d have to tell his parents, and he hadn’t even told his parents that he was an Omega.
He didn’t know how to tell them that he was no longer the Alpha they had raised. Never mind telling them that he was also pregnant with Jensen’s child. Their child. Fuck. Neither of them had told their parents about the real reason they were getting divorced. Jared knew it was unfair to have Genevieve and Danneel and Jensen all still playing along with the charade, but he didn’t want to be an even bigger disappointment than he already was.
Everything felt upside down and backwards. All he had to do was say, “Stop. Not there.” And none of it would have happened. He’d probably have been having a baby with Genevieve and he wouldn’t have to feel like this. He’d never been so ashamed. How could he have let it happen? He couldn’t have a baby. His body wasn’t meant to…hadn’t been meant to.
His phone buzzed. A text from Jensen to let him know he was in their apartment safe and sound. And there was a little heart after his I love you. Jared sent off a love you of his own and then he turned off his phone. He knew Jensen would probably try and call, and Jared just wasn’t ready to deal. And by tomorrow Jensen would be too absorbed by his directorial duties to even think about Jared or why his phone was going straight to voicemail.
CHAPTER THREE