Next Act Please
The world today was depressing and somnolent, the clouds hung low and drizzled slightly which served as a blanket of sadness and sickness for me. My mortal body is raked with phlegm and the all too familiar aches and pains. My head aches and my throat and lungs feel as if they are caught in the grips of fire. My physical pain and discomfort is nothing compared to what is now happening to my soul. I find myself falling into myself again, I find myself shutting myself off, letting only one into my world. I am thankful for her; I can be vulnerable with her. So many people expect me to never fall, but fall I do and I do it hard. It is always hard, you know, with me, nothing is ever easy when it involves me. She let’s me bleed and bleed is what I do now. I am thankful for my friend and I am thankful for the love people have for me, as annoying as it can be. Now let me clarify something, this love is annoying because these people stand in my way, they seem to want to protect me from myself since I am so “dangerous and reckless” in their eyes. For some odd reason, my family has this fixation on my impending death. They always think I am going to die or someone is going to get me, or “the devil is going to send a demon to take you out.” Come on man! I am mortal and being so I can die at any moment, what difference does it make if I do dangerous things? I cannot and will not live my life in fear of death for if I do then I can never truly live! It does frighten me, non existence, but it makes me angrier than anything else. Angry at the fact that none of this matters, that all of us live our lives searching for completion and love that in desperation we just crash into each other. We dart in and out of each other’s lives, hoping for resolutions that never come and hoping that this entire struggle is for something. I cannot see this elusive something! Never mind danger, look at that which passes you by!! I am caught in this, this dismal philosophy. I can’t even describe it really! Everything I see is so achingly beautiful (nothing can change this) and so achingly doomed. I am doomed! You are doomed! What difference does it make if I seek out danger?!
I cannot shake this melancholy, I cannot just bounce back like everyone is so used too me doing. They talk about me, you know, I can feel it. They are worried about me, wondering when I will come out again. I don’t have the will to tell people everything that has happened and even if I did, I would be searching for words that would never come. They aren’t coming right now, so excuse these paltry words. I cannot describe the way I feel. I find myself just staring numbly ahead of me in complete silence and stillness of body. I even refused to work today, something I haven’t done in six months. Yeah well, I needed it. My soul doesn’t care about fake smiles and pretenses today; if I went to work I would be horrible. No. It is better than I stay here and contemplate my mistakes, contemplate what I could possibly learn, and contemplate my recovery. Oh yes, ladies and gentleman, I will recover! I will bounce back; it will just take more time that usual.
I always come out of everything on top, right? I always triumph over everything, right? I am one of the luckiest little shits alive, right? Alright, let’s get this show on the road! Next act in my tumultuous play.
Angelina the not-so Radiant
PS: Holly, my lovely lady. I am doing everything in my power to get to San Francisco, trust me when I say this. You will be hearing from me, by phone, soon. In fact I will be letting you know everything and calling you as soon as my voice is returned to it's usual velvet self. Muah!