old things break away to become new things
So I have been in Virginia for a few months now, and have come to the conclusion that nothing changes. Same drama, same buildings, same people giving the same excuses. I have been staying with my grandmother and uncle for a while, trying to get things back in a row like I should have done long ago. And with a little help from my friends (Insert beatles song here) things are starting to come together. Then we get to tonight...
I heard a voice I have not heard for over a year. And no matter how much I try to walk away, no matter how much I say that I want nothing to do with her, and that I don't fucking care...my mother finds a way to creep back into my life. Why I keep opening the door for her, even if she does not know I am, is beyond me. Why the fuck do I give a rats ass what happens to her. I don't know. Perhaps I am a glutten for punishment. I know she will never change. Hello, she is in her fifties and she hasn't gotten her act together by now. Constently living life in a drunken state. I get upset, and I know I shouldn't. But on to tonights conversation. She called to inform grandma she was going into the mental hospital. She is court ordered to do it. ABOUT FUCKING TIME! I have been saying that for years now that she needed help. She honestly admited she had pts.
But why do I fucking care? Why did I fucking listen to half of the conversation? I don't fucking know and now I am acting like I use to twords people and that is mono tone and devoid of emotion. It is like she sucks everything out of me. Is it cause I am an empath and I feel her fucking pain? God damn I want her just to 100% dissapare like she did when I was a kid. From the ages of 13-23. Best fucking ten years of my life. Wait a tick...No I am not going to be like that and say that she has been a curse on my life and thus why every bad thing that has happened to me was indirectly her fault. But hey, kinda ironic. But this is me just letting it get to me. *sighs*
I don't know. I still think emotions are the bane of human esistence. Heh, haven't felt like that for a while now. But sitting here thinking about it, emotions are what causes alot of the shit that happens. I just want to fucking get up and leave. Leave all contact behind aside from the few people I honestly enjoy talking to, ones that could not tie me to my family, and start anew...in france or japan. Hey one can wish.
I heard a voice I have not heard for over a year. And no matter how much I try to walk away, no matter how much I say that I want nothing to do with her, and that I don't fucking care...my mother finds a way to creep back into my life. Why I keep opening the door for her, even if she does not know I am, is beyond me. Why the fuck do I give a rats ass what happens to her. I don't know. Perhaps I am a glutten for punishment. I know she will never change. Hello, she is in her fifties and she hasn't gotten her act together by now. Constently living life in a drunken state. I get upset, and I know I shouldn't. But on to tonights conversation. She called to inform grandma she was going into the mental hospital. She is court ordered to do it. ABOUT FUCKING TIME! I have been saying that for years now that she needed help. She honestly admited she had pts.
But why do I fucking care? Why did I fucking listen to half of the conversation? I don't fucking know and now I am acting like I use to twords people and that is mono tone and devoid of emotion. It is like she sucks everything out of me. Is it cause I am an empath and I feel her fucking pain? God damn I want her just to 100% dissapare like she did when I was a kid. From the ages of 13-23. Best fucking ten years of my life. Wait a tick...No I am not going to be like that and say that she has been a curse on my life and thus why every bad thing that has happened to me was indirectly her fault. But hey, kinda ironic. But this is me just letting it get to me. *sighs*
I don't know. I still think emotions are the bane of human esistence. Heh, haven't felt like that for a while now. But sitting here thinking about it, emotions are what causes alot of the shit that happens. I just want to fucking get up and leave. Leave all contact behind aside from the few people I honestly enjoy talking to, ones that could not tie me to my family, and start anew...in france or japan. Hey one can wish.