(no subject)
Heartache is one of the deepest pains that I have ever experienced. I went through it for the first time when Chris Barnard broke up with me close to a year and 8 months ago; And it hurts just as horribly now that Joey has ended our relationship. We dated for a year on the 8th of November. For a very long time, I thought that the first time my heart was seriously broken would be the worst, and that no one could ever again make it hurt that badly. I have now come to find that my first loss was only the introduction. I have unfortunately proven myself wrong in believing that "The first cut is the deepest," because I know for a fact that the second is cut just as deeply. I'm betting the third is, too. I feel completely pessimistic and horrible in wondering how many more times will I have to bring myself back to life after losing a part of me this way? I honestly don't want to, and cannot even imagine, opening my life or my heart to anyone again for a really long time. My heart is not just some pen that can be given away so thoughtlessly and effortlessly. It takes a lot for me to let a person into my life, and to trust them with basically everything I have. And I feel I have been careful with chosing the right person. And still, you never know when and if the shit will hit the fan. There is nothing that I can do to stop the tears from running down my face right now, and my everything feels crushed and ruined. I feel completely destroyed and devastated. And I have experienced it before - and lived. I know I will live through this again, but I hate beyond belief that the only person that I want, I cannot have. And the only person that I want to kiss, and hug, and hold, and be with, I cannot be with. I have to leave him alone now, and all I want is to be close to him - because I already miss him so fucking much.