I'm just...sad.
I think I'm going to cry. I think I'm finally going to break down and fucking cry.
Today has been awful. I mean, I've lived 18 long, lovely ears, and I've seen a lot of things, and while I've definitely had off days... But today has definitely taken 'awful' to a whole new level. And I know now that it's effecting me a lot more than I originally thought.
I can't write.
Even with prompts and ideas and every itty bitty tiny thing I need... It's not coming.
And I know that if I can't write, then something really is wrong with me.
And I know exactly what it is.
The guy I've loved for years is getting married. And it seriously fucking hurts. It's a physical ache in my chest, it hurts to breathe, to think, to do anything except sit in utter, complete shock. This morning I was numb. So numb and 'whatever' that I was scared. I mean, I've loved this guy for years. And now he's getting married, and it was like I didn't care. And now... I don't know.
But I want to cry. I want to sit and bawl my damn eyes out and ask him why. But I think I already know. I think I've always known. And I don't think I want his confirmation.
It's taking everything I have in my right now -- all this strength my friend Rachel says I have -- not to crumble to pieces, sobbing on my friend Kim's bed. Everything I have. And it's screaming at me to just sit and cry. And I really want to listen to it. But I honestly don't think I could handle anyone's pity right now.
I'd rather let my body scream at me and break down where no one can stumble across me and my tears, where no one can pity me.
And before anyone asks, no. I'm not suicidal. I'm just...sad. Depressed. Ironically enough, I'm on depression medication. I won't do aything stupid, I promise. I won't cut my wrists open, I won't take a handful of sleeping pills, I won't shoot myself or jump off the highest building I can find. I won't disappear off the face of the earth. I'm just...sad.
So you may ask why I'm saying all this here if I don't want pity.
Well, I can't write. Physically cannot write. The words won't come. And I don't want anyoen to think I'm abandoning my projects, cause I'm not. I'm just...
Sad.
Someday this will pass, and I'll be able to write again. But for now I'm just fighting to survive what life threw at me.
So forgive me for now.
Please.